I just don't fit in

[prettycutie]

I have little to no sexual experience and I feel I don't fit in with today's society. It bothers me every day because I know it turns many guys off. Like who'd want to be with someone who is boring and won't please them asap? I've tried online dating but all the guys seem like creeps or pervs who just want sex or quick hookups which isn't me. So I guess I'll just be single forever because I'm pretty sure the whole "just wait and he will find you" won't happen. I'm in my mid 20s and I feel so different and out of the whole dating scene and stuff with today. I've dated guys who have said they'd wait but it turns out they've just led me on and they left to find easier girls. They leave because I bore them and they don't get what they want. Maybe I just attract the wrong crowd, idk. It really does a number on my self-esteem. Where are the decent men who will wait and who are mature?

 

 

Anyways, just thought I'd throw this out there.

[greta96]

You are being way too hard on yourself! Just because you don't have much sexual experience doesn't mean you're boring, and the fact that you prefer to wait to have sex within a committed relationship, and not just casually, proves that you have standards, which is a great thing. You don't even realize how much this is going to help you in the long run! The only guys who don't appreciate your way of thinking and think you're wasting their time because you don't put out quickly are the ones who are not looking for anything serious, so bullet dodged here! By being the way you are, you are in fact weeding out those looking for quantity as opposed to quality, for casual instead of committed - what's so bad about that?

You just need to stop telling yourself that you're boring. Work on your self confidence, personality is much more important than how experienced you are in the sack! Sex is not what defines you, there are many other more important qualities that a woman has, that makes men stick around. Being easy will never accomplish that. Be aware of your own value as a person, and be patient, you're still very young, it will happen for you too. You know that saying, "good things happen to those who wait". When your time comes, it will happen. In the meantime, live your life without waiting for a man to come along, be out and about, spend time with family and friends, enjoy your youth, and don't lower your standards just to keep a guy, because that's when you actually lose him.

[Heavy]

I know what you mean, maybe live life a little get out and get outside your comfort zone as get a feeling that you lack some confidence within yourself.

 

Nothing wrong with waiting, my last relationship I waited 9 months before she was ready to sleep with me because she was not ready. But she jumed into bed with the next guy pretty much straight away after we broke up lol.....

[prettycutie]

I know what you mean, maybe live life a little get out and get outside your comfort zone as get a feeling that you lack some confidence within yourself.

 

Nothing wrong with waiting, my last relationship I waited 9 months before she was ready to sleep with me because she was not ready. But she jumed into bed with the next guy pretty much straight away after we broke up lol.....

Lol...wow. I'd never do that to someone especially after they waited for me. At least you waited. That's what I need, is a guy who will make the effort to communicate with me that he will wait. And if he can't, then at least man up and tell me and not leave me in silence guessing and feeling miserable.

[catfeeder]

Most people are NOT our match. The idea is to use dating to screen OUT people, not to invest in everyone. Most will NOT own the right lens to appreciate your unique value, so what good are they to you?

 

True simpatico is rare. Love is rare. That's how it's supposed to be, because if finding love were simple, what would be so special about it?

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early. Make this about getting them out of your way. You're trying to fit pieces of a puzzle together and forcing a match would only harm the outcome--so learn how to roll with plowing through bad matches.

 

Think resiliency, and trust that you're only supposed to hit it off with ONE right guy. Hunker down for the long haul to find him, and don't allow all the toads to matter.

 

Head high.

[John John]

I personally respect women much more when they wait to give it up. I have known a number of guys who waited a long time to have sex, months into the relationship. One guy waited three years because she was super religious! Another guy I know waited about a year until they married (she was also very religious). If I met the right girl, even though it would be hard, I would wait.

 

Don't compromise your values and become easy just to appease random guys from online dating. Most of the guys you meet will either be jerks who are secretly (oh, not so secretly, as the case may be) looking only for sex, or guys you otherwise aren't a match with (for whatever reason).

 

Love takes time. And it's hard to find. You're in your mid 20s...you're young. No need to worry.

[prettycutie]

I personally respect women much more when they wait to give it up. I have known a number of guys who waited a long time to have sex, months into the relationship. One guy waited three years because she was super religious! Another guy I know waited about a year until they married (she was also very religious). If I met the right girl, even though it would be hard, I would wait.

 

Don't compromise your values and become easy just to appease random guys from online dating. Most of the guys you meet will either be jerks who are secretly (oh, not so secretly, as the case may be) looking only for sex, or guys you otherwise aren't a match with (for whatever reason).

 

Love takes time. And it's hard to find. You're in your mid 20s...you're young. No need to worry.

Well, it's good to know there are good guys out there. But it's not just online dating because at this point I've given up on that. They all clearly want what I don't. And I've dated a couple I've known (not close friends) but guys I've known for a few years and those didn't work well since they rushed into everything. So I think at this point I'm just gonna focus on me for the time being and as you said, I'm still young and not to waste time on those who don't matter in the long run.

[prettycutie]

It's just sad some guys can't wait. They're missing out on decent girls and it's like they don't even care...

[PH Suite]

Wait.... how long? I have extensive sexual experience. It's taught me to insist on waiting. I simply won't even respect a woman that jumps into bed with me too easily, because she really doesn't even know me yet so it says nothing flattering about her. I'm all for moments of passion, but there's a line somewhere. I have too much to offer in bed and out, to give it away easily or to risk having my judgement clouded by sexual intimacy with regards to finding a suitable match for a serious relationship.

 

I definitely would not wait until marriage. Sexual compatibility is important. If a girl doesn't seem frigid, which is to say I think we'll have good, open-minded fun in bed and out, I find waiting actually makes it that much better. Build desire.

 

My current gf is hot beyond words, visually and sexually. We had a tremendous physical and personal attraction (values, interests, intelligence, etc.), yet waited far longer than either of us were used to before having sex. It was well worth the wait!

 

Keep your values intact.

[getupkid]

Women like you are the ones I personally would feel better being with, not ones who are "sexual veterans." For example, I've had plenty of girlfriends, some more serious than others and a lot of them have been around the block a few times. My last girlfriend who is now my ex basically has said the same thing to me as you said here. That she feels like her sexual inexperience wouldn't please me and that I would leave her. She's told me she can count on one hand all the people she ever kissed and 2 of them she's slept with once each and she's 22, never even had a boyfriend before me. She held onto this with much insecurity and it made her feel indifferent about us and herself thinking what you do. But guess what? She's the girl I would do almost anything to be with again and she was the one I fell for the hardest. Her "lack of experience" told me not that she was prude or whatever but that she has self worth and cares about herself and has high values which to me is a bigger turn on that how quick a girl can get me off.

 

Excuse my choice of words but I feel like you should look at yourself as somebody with values and self respect not somebody who needs to please anybody else but yourself. Congrats because you have my respect.

[HappyisMoho]

I have too much to offer in bed and out, to give it away easily

 

And modest too!

[prettycutie]

Thank you, that really means a lot to me. I'm so used to guys leaving because I wouldn't sleep with them and it makes me so insecure and sometimes miserable. But after what you've said, I believe saying no and respecting myself will be a very good thing eventually for the future and for myself. If only more guys (like you) had respect for girls like myself.

[PH Suite]

It's just sad some guys can't wait. They're missing out on decent girls and it's like they don't even care...

 

A decent girl is not what they're after. Probably because they're not decent guys. Consider it a win and move on.

[Batya33]

"So I guess I'll just be single forever because I'm pretty sure the whole "just wait and he will find you" won't happen."

 

Who ever says "just wait and he will find you?" Not what I did and not what I would recommend anyone do. If you're not meeting men you have things in common with, including values, be proactive and start getting involved in activities you enjoy or think you might enjoy -take a swing dancing class, volunteer backstage at community theater, look on link removed, do other volunteer work. I never had casual sex and dated on and off for 24 years. Some men did not want to wait and they did me a favor because usually you know that within the first few dates so you move on to find someone who does share your values. Please do not give up. And as far as focusing on yourself, that's a great thing to do while meeting people (men and women), doing activities, etc - it's not done in a vacuum, at least not in a healthful way.

[prettycutie]

A decent girl is not what they're after. Probably because they're not decent guys. Consider it a win and move on.

I feel some guys know I'm a little experienced so they try and take advantage of that and if they don't get their goal, they get bored, frustrated and move on. Some don't even have the decency to tell me face to face why they leave. But it's their loss.

[PH Suite]

^ Yep. Some are very predatory, even sociopathic, and have a keen radar for that sort of thing. The stories I've heard from women...

 

I'm all for easy sex, if that's all it's gonna be about, still I can't wrap my mind around guys who act this way. Lack of self-respect I guess. Women do it too, maybe not so much with respect to sex but with other very bad, rude, manipulative behaviors and motivations.

 

It's just what we all have to sort through, which is why it's so important to know and respect yourself, and not lower your standards or waste any time and effort on the undeserving. No excuses made for them, no maybes, no hope that you can change them or that they value your special qualities and that this time it's different. Good sex with a quality person is worth waiting for.

 

Your thread title is "I just don't fit in". You *DO* fit in on the High Road. Meet people there, they won't play these games.

[Jean-Luc]

Most people are NOT our match. The idea is to use dating to screen OUT people, not to invest in everyone. Most will NOT own the right lens to appreciate your unique value, so what good are they to you?

 

True simpatico is rare. Love is rare. That's how it's supposed to be, because if finding love were simple, what would be so special about it?

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early. Make this about getting them out of your way. You're trying to fit pieces of a puzzle together and forcing a match would only harm the outcome--so learn how to roll with plowing through bad matches.

 

Think resiliency, and trust that you're only supposed to hit it off with ONE right guy. Hunker down for the long haul to find him, and don't allow all the toads to matter.

 

Head high.

 

No wonder so many people have so many problems with dating if this is their philosophy of how to go about it.

 

You should go on dates with people who you've already interacted with at places like work, school or events/trips with friends etc. Go out for a cup of coffee or something simple. I think having the philosophy that you should make it about getting people "out of your way early" is just self centered and short sighted, and a recipe for unhappiness.

 

Also there is more than one right person. Billions of people on the planet. Take it one person at a time, get to know them a little bit more, and if it doesn't work out, go your separate ways and go out with the next person who you meet and share a mutual interest in each other.

[catfeeder]

No wonder so many people have so many problems with dating if this is their philosophy of how to go about it.

[...] I think having the philosophy that you should make it about getting people "out of your way early" is just self centered and short sighted, and a recipe for unhappiness.

 

When a woman can learn how to spot a one night stand before it happens, you don't see any value in that?

 

Shyguy, you may not appreciate what it feels like for a young woman to be confronted by one player after another, but it can start to wear a soul down. If she's not resilient enough to plow past such guys without allowing her self respect to take a beating, she may start to believe that there is something wrong with HER for not buying into the casual sex thing.

 

Getting wrong matches--such as guys who only want to use you for sex--out of your way, as opposed to pretzeling yourself in an attempt to convert them into respectful and worthwhile dating material makes perfect sense to me.

 

 

Also there is more than one right person. Billions of people on the planet. Take it one person at a time, get to know them a little bit more, and if it doesn't work out, go your separate ways and go out with the next person who you meet and share a mutual interest in each other.

 

We essentially agree. The idea is to hold out for a good match rather than to continue seeing anyone who would devalue you if you won't have sex with him unless and until you want to.

[PH Suite]

No wonder so many people have so many problems with dating if this is their philosophy of how to go about it.

 

You should go on dates with people who you've already interacted with at places like work, school or events/trips with friends etc. Go out for a cup of coffee or something simple. I think having the philosophy that you should make it about getting people "out of your way early" is just self centered and short sighted, and a recipe for unhappiness.

 

Also there is more than one right person. Billions of people on the planet. Take it one person at a time, get to know them a little bit more, and if it doesn't work out, go your separate ways and go out with the next person who you meet and share a mutual interest in each other.

 

I personally refuse to date within the work or friend pool. Not cool, and when it ends as most relationships do it just makes it awkward for friends and colleagues too. Even if you do date from those pools, you quickly find out the person they portray in one situation such as the workplace may be very different than who they are for real. You've gotta cut your losses.

 

When you meet random people, especially if online via dating sites, you've really got to have your guard up. It's not just men that are phony and have ulterior motives, it's rampant among women too. They totally misrepresent themselves, and their motives, as much as men. Again, cut your losses ASAP. Yes, there are great people out there worth taking the time getting to know. You can't do that if someone is obviously a fake from the get-go.

 

If someone seems genuine and compatible, then by all means get to know them and ideally don't muddy the waters with sex too soon. Emotions cloud and it becomes more about staying in to romp rather than going out to bond over experiences and getting to know each other better. I recently heard the phrase "no sex before monogamy". It's a fine idea.

[Batya33]

I think the best way to meet people is through friends or at work as long as neither of you is in a supervisory role and preferably you do not work closely together. I originally met my husband at work and we also happened to have mutual acquaintances unrelated to our chosen careers.

[prettycutie]

Yeah, I've been manipulated and led on and it's been hurtful. I've heard that "girls shouldn't lead guys on" in that girls lead guys on into believing they want sex at a certain point or whatever the reason be. Well, maybe guys shouldn't be leading girls onto the point where they feel the girl is leading them on. Actions speak way louder than words. Like I'm sorry, but unless the guy hears it from me that I'm ready for anything further in a relationship, then I'm not going to just give into them.

 

Some say that saying no early on is good because it's "weeding out the bad." Which is true, yet it leaves girls like myself who don't want to do online dating or who have no other close dating options, miserable and in the dust. Most of the times I didn't put myself out fast enough, I see the guys on online sites a bit after. I don't see what the big rush is. No doesn't always mean they won't get what they're after. But guys well some, need to realize not all girls are the same. And if they don't or won't bother communicating about how childish and cowardly they acted, then why bother trying to keep a relationship going, because clearly all that meant is they were in it for sex or some other superficial reason. I really hope someday I meet one of those in the higher crowds who won't play these childish, immature, cut off games when they don't get what they wanted.

[prettycutie]

As much as I hate saying at times, I'd rather stay single than be used for someone else's pleasure and manipulated and hurt when they didn't even care about the girl to begin with.

[greta96]

As much as I hate saying at times, I'd rather stay single than be used for someone else's pleasure and manipulated and hurt when they didn't even care about the girl to begin with.

 

That's exactly why you need to take your time and weed out those looking for casual. There's nothing wrong with casual sex or whatever, if both parties agree that 's all there is, and are ok with it. But then there are those who pretend to want a relationship and would say whatever they know the other person wants to hear, until they get what they want. These are the dangerous ones, and that's why holding off having sex can keep them away. Now don't get me wrong, it's not fool proof, there may be situations where they will still go MIA after sex, despite you holding off for months...but more often than not, those looking for easy sex will get bored and not wait.

There are so many great, decent guys out there, who appreciate girls like you...just wait until you meet one of those, and you'll thank yourself for being the way you are.

[getupkid]

To elaborate my personal opinion even more, the wait makes it better anyway. A lot of girls I slept with before we even had the dating title and it more often than made me lose interest somehow and I ended up moving on from them. Self respect is one of the most attractive qualities I see in women.

[jimthzz]

So there is a lot of passionate interaction that can leave you a virgin but getting to explore intimacy with another person.

 

Respecting your desire to stay chaste, where is your line in the sand?

 

It may be that you have dated good men, but most men are not used to just sitting in the park holding hands watching the clouds.

 

You may find one who is, and that would be great. What happens though when that guy won't progress from that to full on passion?

 

You're in your 20s and presumably the men in your life would be of a similar age. I would not fault them for having desires. They have the most testosterone that they'll ever have for the rest of their life.

 

BTW, I'm not suggesting that you get used or harmed.