jayne Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I need help! I was snooping at my boyfriends house today (we are both professionals in our 30's) and I found several pair of womens underwear with stains in them that look like a man had worn them. I also found a box with womens clothes, make-up, and sex toys. In addition, I got on to his internet and found where he had been surfing sites about transvestities, gay and anal things. What should I do...is he gay?? bi??? Link to comment
DN Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 possibly not gay or bi - he may be a transvestite but what he certainly is is someone who gets a sexual thrill from wearing women's underwear. It's not that unusual and lots of women tolerate it in their husbands, boyfriends and have successful relationships and sex lives. Others cannot tolerate it and leave. It's a quirk is all and is not that different from any other sexual fantasy that people may have. (No I don't! I've just read about it). Snooping in his stuff is a really bad idea!! Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 oh boy.... first of all, start from the beginning...why were you snooping? are there things you didnt trust him about? sexual issues? maybe you thought he was cheating? but the way to handle this is to sit him down & try your hardest not to be angry. talk calmly to him & say i think we need to discuss a few thigns. expect him to get pissed that you were 'snooping' but explain why you were. & say you just want whats best for the 2 of you. if he is gay or whatever he can not help it so try to be as understanding as you possibly can. its imporant to be calm when you talk to him abiut this b/c the more you 'attack him' the less he'll open up about. explain your concerns & tell him to be completely honest with you. good luck with everything. -DG724 Link to comment
jayne Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 Thanks for your reply. The reason why I was snooping is that I was at his house a week ago and checked his caller ID while he was out of the room...an ex-girlfriend had called him and I became suspicious. I am very calm right now...just don't know if I can trust him to be honest with me about this. Link to comment
DN Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 so the reason you were snooping is because you found something while you were snooping on his caller id? Snooping is still a bad idea. You have some 'splainin to do!! Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 yeah you do have explaining to do. you shouldnt have gotten all bent over an ex calling him but re-read my first post. i think thats about the only way to handle it. appologize for snooping, you know its not right to do. you both have some 'splainin' to do. -DG724 Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Maybe your bf is gay or bi or a transvestite but snooping is not the way to find that out. How serious are you guys? If he has sexual tendencies that he hasn't told u about maybe he's not ready to yet? Just some suggestions. Why are you suspiscious that his ex called? She may have called for any number of reasons. I talk to my ex all the time even though we're both with other people. I don't think that alone is something to worry about. Now, if he were seeing her behind your back, that would be another story but the call could be totally innocent. Maybe you should ask him about what you saw in an indirect way? Perhaps you can ask him what his sexual fantasies are so that you can see for yourself how he feels instead of trying to figure out stuff about him by snooping. More often than not, snooping will give you only some of the facts and can give you only a partial understanding of someone. It's usually much easier and effective to just talk to your partner and find out more about him by asking him about himself. Since you are dating this person, you should be able to talk openly with him about everything. If you admit to snooping and apologize, he will forgive you and probably explain. Then you can decide for yourself what to do. But whether he is gay, straight, bi or whatever, he is first and foremost your bf so just go ahead and talk to him. Good luck! Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 if she did not snoop she would have just continued being with someone who is hiding something from her. how would she have known. i dont think she would have randomly asked without seeing it before "do you wear womens underwear?" snooping to an extent is bad...but sometimes you gotta follow your gut feeling to a little bit. it seems that when people snoop they usually do so for a reason, they have a gut feeling, and that feeling is usually right. its been right for me in the past. it seems we're making the snooping to be the issue here when its really a distant second to the real issue..what the hell is this guy up to!?!? Link to comment
GettingOverIt Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hockeyboy, I dunno, man, they seem to be pretty close to me... I mean, the whole issue of snooping brings up all kinds of trust issues... And, yes, the sudden discovery of women's clothes in the bf's possession also needs to be tackled... This is going to need a very delicate touch when it comes time to talk about it, for sure... My advice is to try and remain as calm as possible... Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 where would she be if she didnt follow her gut and go snooping? she'd be ignorant to the truth. i wonder how long she would be ignorant..then what if she finds out years later. thats not fair either. Link to comment
jayne Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 Thank you for all your insights...I think I am going to be extreamly calm and tell him everything and then tell him that I don't know what to think. How will I know if what he is telling me is the truth or if it is just his way of minimzing the situation?? Link to comment
DN Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 hockeyboy - sorry but that's the old "the end justifies the means" excuse. If it had turned out there was nothing wrong would she still be right. You can't retrospectively claim a wrong is a right because you found something out. I don't agree that it comes a distant second. Snooping means lack of trust/insecurity/jealousy issues that poison relationships. Link to comment
DN Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 You will have to hope that he is telling the truth in the same way that he has to hope that you will tell the truth when you say you won't snoop anymore Link to comment
jayne Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 Snooping was completely wrong of me to do. I did not trust him...that however, in my opinion, is minor to the fact that my boyfriend who I love may be GAY! Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 ok, you can be ignoratant if thats your choice. im not saying snooping is always right. of course its not. but when its justified...it can be right. obviously she was right, look at what she found. it all depends on the circumstances. theres not such thing as doing the right thing for the wrong reason. if its right, its good in and of itself. you asked "what if...." i dont play the "what if..." game, because it did not happen. she found what she found...thats the issue. if she is insecure etc in all relationships regardless of the situation that would be one thing, but as far as we know she has not been this way in the past. i dont know..either way, but ill give her the benefit of the doubt. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 what made you snoop in the first place? a gut feeling? if so...you'll probably get that again to know if he is lying or not. plus...you can usually tell when someone is trying to cover something up. what possible excuse could he have for what you found? i'd be interested to hear it. Link to comment
Mun Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Snooping is such a bad idea. I once told someone " If you can't handle what you are going to find then don't go looking for it" I predict that you will lose trust in each other after this--BIG TIME...I wonder if your relationship will survive this. I'd like an update once you tell him that you found out he wears womens clothes and you think he is gay.. and you found this out because his ex girlfriend left him a message on his machine and it made you jealous Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 not sure why everyone thinks the trust will be lost cause she snooped...what about what he was hiding!?! isnt that a much bigger deal. i sure would say so. the snooping is not what would ruin the relationship...hiding your sexual preference/gener/and sexual habits is a much bigger deal then looking at a stupid caller ID. Link to comment
sisterlynch Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 If you don't trust him and just want to break up with him, I could totally understand that reaction. I think that anyone would be totally discouraged by someone that is playing you, and that is what it breaks on down to, he is playing like he is straight when he has all this crooked that aint... Confront him with the stash, let him explain himself, then say this isn't for me, I didn't know that you were like this, hold up a dildo or something to make your point clear to him... Don't let him talk too much... Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 hold up a dildo or something to make your point clear to him. hahaha...sorry but something about that sounds comical, like out of an "American Pie" type movie Link to comment
Beec Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Let's see. First, I am not getting in any debate with someone about when one can ro should snoop. I picked one bone on this board today, that's enough. Second, ask yourself, what you can and cannot live with him being. If he is gay, then you probably need to mvoe on. If he plays dress up, maybe you don't, maybe you do, maybe you can havhe fun with it and him. Not suggesting you do anything, but you need to assess things about what you feel you can lvie with. Third, bringing it up. Well, I would not let him know. Instead, I'd hide that and stumble upon his secret when he is around. Before I did that, I might give him a chance to confess, but onyl by bringing it up in a round about way. Like asking him about his fantasies and things he would like to do. Maybe first ask him if he wants you to wear anything, then ask about him. Of course, if you are not interested in his games, don't ask. Link to comment
sisterlynch Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I should write a movie I have so many weird ideas lately... Listen to BC, he knows what he is talking about...no implication intended!! Link to comment
Beec Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 not sure why everyone thinks the trust will be lost cause she snooped...what about what he was hiding!?! isnt that a much bigger deal. i sure would say so. the snooping is not what would ruin the relationship...hiding your sexual preference/gener/and sexual habits is a much bigger deal then looking at a stupid caller ID. I don't know. If he is hiding his masturbation fantasy, I may not see it as a big deal. If he is hiding a bi or homosexual preference, then it is a really big deal. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 well considering what she found...the clothes for example and the dildo...i'd be suspect to believe that he's up to something. even if he wears the clothes and uses that thing on himself....thats enough to make me think the person isnt who you thought they were. you think you know someone...when you find that out...your naturally going to wonder what else they do you dont know about. Link to comment
Mun Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I see it like this: If he is hiding that he wears womens clothes then he doesn't want her to know. If he doesn't want her to know then he doesn't trust her. And if he doesn't trust her...and she went through his stuff...guess what...he is going to feel justified in not trusting her. I personally would be livid to know my boyfriend went through my stuff when I wasn't home. Don't you think if he was gay you would have been able to tell? Maybe it's just a fetish...maybe they aren't even his clothes Link to comment
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