Need some perspective on relationship crisis

[edg0414]

Hello everyone,

 

It's my first time posting here. Allow me to introduce myself and my case (I'm afraid this is gonna be a long one).

I'm a 25 year old guy, who is shy, introverted and not incredibly outgoing. I'm currently in process of finishing my masters thesis in jouurnalism, as well as looking for a job. My girlfriend of two years and I have experienced a crisis, which frankly left me in a deep state of mistrust and doubt.

 

A week ago, I was texting her - we live a couple of hours apart and usually meet up a couple times a week. I try to compensate that by communicating through phone and other media. That time we were planing a weekend at my parent's place, to celebrate my birthday with my family. There was an issue, as when I was with her on her birthday (a week earlier), I accidently overheard her parents talking that they are having financial problems. Now here's a weird thing for you all - we both live with our parents, as in our country it is customary for young people to spend few years building their own financial stability and living with parents, before they move away. Now this might be a part of the problem for both of us, but I'll let you decide on that. Anyway, her parents financial problems meant that by extent she wouldn't be able to come visit me, so I suggested to spend an afternoon during the wednesday or thursday before. She also seemed really unsure about the weekend anyway, so I thought it would be best for both of us. I didn't mention the conversation I overheard - didn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

We met up on thursday, spent a great day together and the question about next weekend came up. She admitted she couldn't go, but suggested we spend weekend after that. I agreed and we were really happy. I started planning our activities, which included going sightseeing, visiting historical places - she really likes that, as well as just spending nice and cozy evenings watching movies while drinking hot cocoa - just cozy and fun weekend. She was really happy, but after a few days she suddenly asked me if I REALLY want her to come. Confused, I asked "why are you saying that?" and she mentioned the fact i was initially suggesting on not spending the week together. After initially skirting around the issue, I decided to admit what I heard her parents talking and that I didn't want to hurt her by that.

And after that all went downhill. She started accusing me of hiding things from her, which, in this case, was true. But then she started telling me how I hurt her by reminding that her family is poor. Then she started saying she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. Stressed, I seemd to talked her down a bit later that evening. She went to sleep seemingly cooled off, yet there was still that air of uneasines around her.

 

Next day I chatted her up, hoping to arrange a meeting and solve the issue. However, she seemed reluctant to do that. Texts soon turned to wild accusations - that I only love her for her achievements in university, that I am unwilling to move forward in our relationship (even though I already had an engagement ring prepared), that I only want her for sex (while we were intimate with each other, we hadn't had sex, as she believes in saving herself for marriage and I honored her beliefs - sex isn't as important to me too, though I don't dismiss it completely). After that she started repeating she never felt happy with me, as she always doubted and never completely trusted me. I was desperately trying to find out what I did or said wrong, but it was all in vain - she never said anything about that. Just how unhappy she feels in the relationship. And the thing is, this was completely unexpected.

 

I had a girlfriend before and it didn't end well. But I felt that trust and love in that relationship gradually eroded over time. In this case, we both seemed happy. Sure, we had differences, some fights happened, etc. But I never felt unhappy. and neither seemed she. In fact, just before our fight we told each other how we miss and love the other. There were no signs of misery. And then I hear she spent two years of her life unhappy. It just completely ruined me. I withdrew for any contact with anyone for five days. I started talking with my friends and family about this later. they said "don't worry, she should be calmer now, you'll talk and work it out".

 

And then BAM, she messages my mother on facebook, asking to be removed from her friends, expressing doubts that I ever loved her, saying we probably both always felt miserable and saying we were broken up, even though neither she, nor I never said "we are breaking up" to one another. That was weird, because usually when we had our first big fights last nNovember, she would kick me and my family members from her FB friends list, only to sent invitations to them after we made up. That happened a couple of times and my sister eventually refused the invitation, as she felt like my girlfriend was acting childish and immature - which I agree. But my mother relented and now was being asked to do what my GF has shown being capable of before. When mother told me about this, I got angry and wrote her a message, saying she should discuss our relationships with me directly, and not involve my parents in this. The next morning, my and my family have been kicked out and she refused to communicate ever since.

 

So there you have it. I'm very confused about this. The implication to me is that she never actually loved me - how can you love anyone who makes you miserable every moment? And yes, she explicitly said "every moment". I wrote this wall of text just to gain some insight into this relationship problem, if it's salvageable or not. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[Willywagtail]

Sooo, do you live in a culture where pride is really important and 'losing face' is mortifying for the person experiencing it?

 

All I can think is that by mentioning her parents' finances, she felt that she had lost face and that then started a domino effect in terms of her justifying you being a horrible person.

 

If the situation is as you've explained it, then her behaviour does seem like an incredible overreaction. However, you also said that you'd been having some fights late last year, and that members of your family think she's childish.

 

So, the latter combined with a false sense of pride might be what's going on. I can understand that you feel pretty shocked, but maybe she's done you a favour? She sounds like drama queen material.

[edg0414]

What you said is spot on. Our culture and society is rather rigid and values status above else. Yet for me, it was never that important and I thought I was clear to her. The fights we had last year touched upon that too - she claimed my social and economic status is too high for her. Even though we both come from middle class, blue collar families.

 

As for her being a drama queen.. She reads a lot of classical literature, so there's definetly a sense for the dramatic in her. However, I always thought being a 'drama queen' means constant flow of drama in everyday life. And we had about four months period of peace and quiet, where only minor disagreements popped up.

 

Still, I am confused, as there was no concrete issue for us to fight. My friend raised a theory: maybe my GF really wanted to spend the weekend together, yet her parents explicitly forbade her, because their finances. And yes, she's the type of person who still is heavilly influenced by her parents. Unable to blame her parents, yet not wanting to blame herself, she put the blame on me, along with a nasty heap of other complaints to more effectively free herself from the guilt.

[Swanseagirl]

All I can think you can do is continue trying to prove your love, and tell her you had planned on proposing and that you love her so much you don't want this to be over ask her if she does and ask her what u can do to fix it. It's a terribly

Confusing situation x

[edg0414]

I did tell her that. She said, and I quote: "You think you can just wave a ring in front of my face and have me back?"

[Willywagtail]

I think you've probably got a handle on the situation, OP.

 

The question is: is this the sort of woman that you envisage a future with? How she's reacted in this situation gives you a glimpse of her responses and character in situations when she's displeased. Could you deal with this on a long term basis?

[edg0414]

That would require me to grow too - I don't consider myself the most emotionally mature person around. And, of course, her willingness to work the problems out.

 

Also, there's a chance that removing her from her parents' sheltering influnce, she could mature. But that's a 50/50 chance it would work.