Lack of energy / excitement

[steveasm]

Hi,

So I just got out of a very toxic relationship which was really weighing me down about a month ago. I started therapy and I realized in that some reasons why I allowed myself to be with a toxic person for so long. Mainly that my mother is verbally abusive and toxic as well, which is why I was more tolerant of another toxic relationship.

 

More on the breakup here if you're interested:

 

For some time I realized that I don't really enjoy things anymore. Everything in life is bland. Nothing is intriguing anymore. I think it's a depression, but I'm functional.

 

I'm 25 and finishing up a chemistry degree now with plans to go to medical school (I'll be ready in about 6 months). I have pretty good money, and since I have no girlfriend now (who used to leak money from me like a faucet), I decided to spend my money exclusively on myself. I signed up for a very expensive gym and am buying personal training sessions, so I can get in shape. But in the past when I was in shape, it didn't seem to affect my mood much. Personal training starts tomorrow. I want to go to the gym at least twice a week. I changed my diet to include fresh juice 2-3 times a day and a healthy meal or two with it.

 

I have virtually no friends, just acquaintances at school. This is mainly because I felt pretty guilty about having friends because my ex gf would become really jealous and controlling. I realize now how ridiculous that is. I'm being friendlier with people at school now, and it's progressing well. I do NOT want another relationship, as it's going to distract from my goals. I can't risk another energy-draining disaster coming into my life.

 

I don't want a relationship, but I want sex. I'm not sure if I loved my ex gf or if she just fulfilled my need for companionship and sex. I haven't spoken to her in about a month now, I threw away my phone and cancelled my email - it was a long-distance relationship, and she hasn't tried any alternate routes to contact me. I feel pretty good about the relationship ending, because I knew it HAD to end, and it was coming close to "engagement-time" with her, and possibly kids in the future, which would surely send me straight off of a bridge.

 

Before I met my ex I used to enjoy everything and felt sort of arrogant inside. Now I feel small and drained. I worry that she has caused me permanent damage. But I know I still have qualities I'm proud of like I'm spontaneous, generous, helpful, smart, good listener and friend

 

Anyone deal with something similar?

 

Thanks for reading guys

[charity]

Hey, you know you are actually doing really well. I think you just are expecting too much from yourself at this stage. You want yourself to already BE there- recovered from the break up and moving on with life. But that is a path that that has to be travelled and there are different emotions and stages along the way. Its only been 4 weeks, you are at the early stages. What you are feeling is very normal. You are allowed feel bad and lifeless and dispirited (is that a word?). Good for you for taking responsibility for why you stayed in that relationship for so long. Good for you for now not wanting that relationship back. You will be fine in good time.

[mhowe]

The change isn't permanent. Just temporary. Your new goals...health, fitness and getting ready for med school will help. Go out and meet people. Take the focus off sex and focus on meeting and getting g to know non toxic people. Continue therapy. Time heals.

[steveasm]

thanks for the replies guys

 

i don't think the lack of energy/excitement is from the breakup. if anything, I feel better after the breakup. it was an issue i was dealing with when i was with her, and i believe being with her was making it considerably worse

 

i didn't talk about it much with her, because she wouldn't have cared anyway

[catfeeder]

thanks for the replies guys

 

i don't think the lack of energy/excitement is from the breakup. if anything, I feel better after the breakup. it was an issue i was dealing with when i was with her, and i believe being with her was making it considerably worse

 

i didn't talk about it much with her, because she wouldn't have cared anyway

 

There is acute depression, and there is chronic depression. The acute kind can turn chronic if it's prolonged, so it takes a real change to your chemistry for your body to balance again.

 

This doesn't automatically mean meds. A combo plate of talk therapy (for monitoring and working stuff out) and heavy exercise works for many people--but the idea is to keep an endorphin rush happening consistently enough and over a long enough period time for your brain and body to right itself.

 

While working with a trainer x2 per week is a great way to learn variety and develop good routines, you may want to work out more often than this--especially adding cardio--to naturally bring yourself back to your former glory.

 

Your school offers mental health counseling for which you've already paid with your tuition, so consider using the service. The counselor can assess you and not only assist in monitoring your mood trends, but he or she can help you process your own choices, responses, and behaviors in the relationship to avoid adopting the position that you are (or ever were) somehow powerless over undesired outcomes.

 

Carrying a chip won't help you going forward, and neither will your present assumptions about relationships. Some reality testing could be something you'll thank yourself for later.

 

Head high.

[steveasm]

thanks catfeeder for your response

 

can you please elaborate on this:

"Carrying a chip won't help you going forward, and neither will your present assumptions about relationships. Some reality testing could be something you'll thank yourself for later."

What do you mean by that? not sure what carrying a chip means, and I'm not sure what present assumptions I have about relationships

 

and i think i will look into my school counseling, never thought about that

[catfeeder]

can you please elaborate on this:

"Carrying a chip won't help you going forward, and neither will your present assumptions about relationships. Some reality testing could be something you'll thank yourself for later."

What do you mean by that? not sure what carrying a chip means, and I'm not sure what present assumptions I have about relationships

 

Sure. You wrote:

I do NOT want another relationship, as it's going to distract from my goals. I can't risk another energy-draining disaster coming into my life.

 

'Coming into your life' sounds pretty passive, as though it's something that can just 'happen to you' rather than something that requires your participation and acquiescence. So this isn't actually a risk, because you do own the intelligence to observe red flags and you can ditch anyone who demo's the potential to go that way. You just selectively opt out of recognizing this.

 

You haven't learned how to 'own' your power of discernment yet. That's where the counseling can help.

 

I feel pretty good about the relationship ending, because I knew it HAD to end, and it was coming close to "engagement-time" with her, and possibly kids in the future, which would surely send me straight off of a bridge.

 

More passive voice. When you say "it ended," does that mean you ended it?

 

How was "it" coming close to engagement time--as though you had no choice in the matter?

 

Do you really envision yourself as powerless enough to be dragged into a marriage and fatherhood leaving you no other option than a bridge dive?

 

See, I get hyperbole, but it sounds as though you view yourself as powerless enough to 'get' trapped in a relationship you don't want--and that's not only inaccurate, but it's a faulty perspective that can actually position you as attractive to and attracted to predatory people.

 

So unless you address this stuff and learn the responsible social skills of recognizing toxic people, applying discretion and forming selective boundaries--skills that can be learned but are often not taught by parents who never learned these skills themselves--then you're likely to continue to view yourself as being at the mercy of any flake of a girl who insinuates herself into your life.

 

Before I met my ex I used to enjoy everything and felt sort of arrogant inside. Now I feel small and drained. I worry that she has caused me permanent damage.

 

She didn't cause you damage--your participation with her was voluntary, and you've convinced yourself otherwise. You can do that if you want, but that choice will deprive you of the confidence you seek.

 

Definitely work with a counselor. Ask for an assessment, raise passivity as a key issue.

[steveasm]

ahh wow this was a really insightful post and thanks. you i'm really glad i asked you to elaborate, because now I can identify my passivity as a key issue. I never actually realized I was being passive. I have a problem saying 'no', especially if someone is actively pursuing a 'yes'. i think it all boils down to some sort of issue with a negative self concept. I'm still kind of amazed I had the courage to end the relationship. Probably because I'm getting too old to continue to waste time with that person.

 

i think what i actually mean when I say I don't want another toxic mess in my life is that these sorts of people tend to be their best selves in the beginning (actually, not the case with my ex, but I actively and consciously ignored the red flags), and when you're attached to them, they start to sense your dependency, and they allow their true character to leak through, which of course would cause a great deal of emotional turmoil, which is the last thing i need at the moment. and even worse, a key issue with me staying in that relationship for so long, is that I actually desired to be in a relationship which I knew was causing me harm. Even now, I still get the urges and desires to talk to her, even though she was extremely rude and cruel to me countless times.

 

i see my therapist tomorrow and i'll talk to her about my passivity, thank you