A story about reconnecting

[Cadence44]

I didn’t post about my breakup here, but I thought my experience might be helpful for others to read. Reading others' experiences helped me, so I feel a need to give back in the hope that it can help someone who is struggling.

 

I'm in my 30s and have been around the block before, but this particular breakup was incredibly painful for me. I thought our relationship was “it”. We'd been together for 2.5 years and one day last summer, my ex ended it.

 

When he broke up with me, I was devastated. To me, it was out of the blue. I went through horrific grief, I wailed at 3am like someone had died, and my hair fell out and got thin from stress (yeah, perfect – alone and feeling ugly, too!)

 

We saw one another exactly three times during the 8-9 months we were broken up. One, a week after he dropped the bomb, to meet for “closure”. Once one month afterwards for him to bring my things to me (they wouldn’t fit in my car). And one random run-in in January where he showed up somewhere he knew I frequented. He looked awful and weary and he had no reason to be there. I chatted with him briefly, then said “Okay, great to see you. Bye.”, spun on my heel and left. I think it was the first time he ever had to face the fact that I might not be an option for him if he wanted me.

 

Given that we were about to progress our relationship to a new level, that he’d been married once before and had been miserable and felt trapped, and that he’d expressed to me that he felt the right relationship would “just be easy”, I think it’s pretty clear he simply doubted my value to his life. That was why he was able to leave like he did. And, boy, did that not feel good once I figured it all out.

 

In retrospect, he’d been only paying attention to my flaws and the negatives of our relationship for about a month and half prior. I didn’t see it at the time, but after the breakup I could see it. I knew he’d gotten himself in a panicked state about committing to me, and I knew he’d taken all the good things about me and our relationship for granted. He’d previously frequently expressed how pleased he was with all of those things, so I knew I had to let himself figure it out.

 

The first two times I saw him, I was calm, let him know I didn’t want to break up, but if he did, I’d respect his decision. His specific reasons for the breakup didn’t make much sense to me, but I kept that opinion to myself. It really felt like he’d panicked and then was looking to explain his actions to himself after the fact. I didn’t argue with him - I just nodded and apologized if it called for it. The second time I saw him he considered working things through and said he’d be in touch, but then I never heard from him, and I had to face the fact that it was over. I went NC.

 

My experience with NC: it wasn’t easy. Even though I’d done it in previous breakups and read all about it here, I was frightened whether I was doing the right thing. I felt lonely. Every cell in my over-analytical body wanted to find him, tell him what was going on, and “fix” it. But I knew I had to give him space and time to live without me if he was ever to assess and believe my value to his life. The only way he’d see what he’d been taking for granted was to live without it. Plus, he knew I wasn’t up for friendship, so it was the only way.

 

I kept busy and I got to know myself again. But if I wanted to lay on my couch and feel sorry for myself one night, I did it. Eventually I was tired of wallowing, and resolved to say “yes” to every invitation I received. I traveled, played in a kickball tournament, learned meditation and started living for me.

 

Then in late March I did something that is a big “no no” on this website. I felt as emotionally stable as I was going to get, and, because I knew him well, I knew that seeing him in January was a signal that he wanted to talk to me. He’s a rather passive guy in some respects, so I thought about sending him a message asking to meet to catch up. One of my parents suffered an injury, and the tipping point for me was that parent randomly asking me if I’d talked to him, and telling me to call him. I protested, saying “but he broke up with me”. “It doesn’t matter, Cadence44. Call him.” So I contacted my ex with a short message. I was terrified.

 

My ex responded extremely quickly and very enthusiastically. Instead of coffee and catching up, he proposed meeting for a cocktail and toasting. All seemed very encouraging, but I was wary. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. We met, and we kept it light. His eyes lit up hearing about all that I’d been up to, and I loved telling him about it all. He asked if we could get dinner, so we went, and he – sort of awkwardly – asked if he could sit next to me rather than accross from me. I laughed and said "yes". During dinner he slipped and called me the pet name he always used to call me. He touched my hair. We saw a crazy dish another table had ordered and he said we should get it next time. He made a noise he only makes when he's happy and feeling close to me. During all of this, I didn’t react. But I do still love him, so soon I found a reason to touch his shirt when I asked him about it. It felt really natural to be giggling and touching him.

 

On the walk from the restaurant, under some very pretty lights, he pulled me close and kissed me.

 

We walked together hand-in-hand and talked a bit and he told me he’d realized how special our relationship was and that it wasn’t easy to find. He said I was a remarkable and generous woman, and that he still loved me, and really hoped we could reconnect. I told him I was very happy to hear that he’d realized those things.

 

I cheekily asked him if he’d been trying to run into me in January. He sheepishly admitted that he had. I laughed and said “I knew it!” and squeezed his hand. He said he’d wanted to talk more with me, and I said that I knew and apologized for cutting it short. I told him I felt cornered, and wished I’d had the option to consent to seeing him instead of how it happened.

 

We kissed a bit more and made plans to see one another again.

 

Since then, he’s called me twice, and has been thrilled to talk to me both times. I’ll see him again this weekend. We are taking it slow and steady, but he seems to have both feet in the door this time around. In the meantime, I am not walking away from me, and I am not rearranging my schedule to see him. I’m making time to see my friends, and prioritize things in my life. I am looking forward to reconnecting with him, but not at the expense of losing my connection with me.

 

Now, this post may be premature, since we’re not formally back together. I almost feel afraid to hit the "submit" button, lest I jinx myself. But I am so happy with how I handled myself, and I know that finding stability and independence allowed me to get the result that I had hoped for, so I'm going to press submit and not worry about it. (Also, I do still need to hear where he stands on a few topics that were of concern for me the last time around. But they’re not emergencies, and right now it’s best just to spend fun times together and try to rebuild something better than what we had before.)

 

For all of those in pain, find the courage to respectfully walk away from someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You’re doing the right thing. Sometimes leaving them to work through it themselves is all that is needed. Sometimes it won’t be. But no matter what happens, you’ll get yourself back, and that is what is most important.

 

I disagree with the folks on ENA when they try to put every breakup in the same box. I knew my breakup had some quirks that made it a little out of the ordinary, and I tried to lose hope but I never quite lost all of it. But I wholeheartedly agree with the methods on here – don’t hang around to try to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, prioritize your life, and don’t settle for less than you deserve.

 

Things may just work this time around for my ex and I, or they may not. But I know that I'll be okay either way. If you try to reconnect before you get to that place, you're not yet ready to try. Let go and get out and live your life for you. Let time pass by and don't be afraid that your ex is out there living life without you, because sometimes it can work out in your favor.

[dave_1966]

As someone who's girlfriend of ten years walked out two months ago I find this encouraging, but after five weeks of no contact initiated by me I feel I'm getting to that point where if she contacted me I'd just say 'yeah, whatever'. I think you're very forgiving, just don't get messed up by this guy again. Have you asked if he left you for someone else? Or perhaps you called him when he'd just been dumped or similar? I'd be super cautious.

[kathy679]

Dave 1966, after 5 weeks of bu, u will still be very angry and wont prob want to see ur ex. As time goes on u do come to terms with it. Cadence u came to terms with it and when u met again u had found yourself again. Maybe that's all you needed to do. Feel the pain and learn a lesson.

[Cadence44]

As someone who's girlfriend of ten years walked out two months ago I find this encouraging, but after five weeks of no contact initiated by me I feel I'm getting to that point where if she contacted me I'd just say 'yeah, whatever'. I think you're very forgiving, just don't get messed up by this guy again. Have you asked if he left you for someone else? Or perhaps you called him when he'd just been dumped or similar? I'd be super cautious.

 

Dave, I'm sorry for your pain. Maybe what's happened with me is different than you, since you two were committed for a long time. (That's not to say you can't have a good outcome.)

 

I don't share what sounds like a punitive view of him, because I don't think that he did something wrong by ending things when he did. It wasn't the decision I'd chosen, but it was right for him at the time. The fact that it caused me pain was my issue, you know? If he was happy, he would have stayed with me, but he wasn't. Ending things was his prerogative. It certainly does come into play in deciding whether to get back into a relationship, and I'm looking forward to hearing his thoughts about what happened. (Reconciling is a bit tricky, in that you have to communicate but you also can't really delve into heavy topics all at once.)

 

No, I am confident that he didn't leave me for someone else. I believe he'd have been honest with me about that. Plus, he never gave back all of the things I had at his house, so it was pretty clear he was holding onto a lifeline to me, but I didn't know what that meant or how long it would take.

 

I'm not sure whether he dated anyone else while we were broken up. I did. I went on a bunch of first dates, and dated someone exclusively for a month and a half. That didn't have legs, though. It was just for fun. And, because of the circumstances of my ex, our former relationship, and the breakup, I knew dating others could be good for him in realizing that you don't come accross a relationship like ours very easily. It doesn't mean I liked the thought of it, but I knew the relationships he'd had before me never came close to the love that we shared, and I welcomed the thought of him having that "oh sh*t" moment when he saw what else was out there.

 

As for being dumped before meeting up with me, I don't think so but I haven't asked him specifically. I'd be more worried about that if he'd been the one to contact me!

[Cadence44]

Cadence u came to terms with it and when u met again u had found yourself again. Maybe that's all you needed to do. Feel the pain and learn a lesson.

 

I did, and now I'm much stronger and capable of facing it and seeing what happens.

 

I tried my hardest to stop loving him and it just... didn't happen. It seems like it was similar for him. I will say that I'm not as "ga ga" for him as I once was, but I do still love him on a pretty deep level. So I'm willing to give this a try in a slow, measured, and thoughtful fashion!

[Cadence44]

Update of how things are going if anyone is interested:

 

We've gone on two more dates, and he is consistently loving, attentive, and fully invested in making a relationship work. We talked a bit about what changed for him, and he said he felt that we were both taking one another for granted prior to the breakup, which I agree with.

 

Although I did not want specifics, he told me he did go out with other women in the 8-9 months that we were apart, but he found that he spent most of the time comparing them to me, with other women coming up short. He jokingly called me his "gold standard." He says that, in retrospect, he feels like he needed that perspective to realize that we had something truly special. He also studied his guy friends' relationships, talked to some long married men for advice, and concluded that he'd foolishly walked away from something that could have gone the distance.

 

(And no, I have verified that he did not break up with someone before we met back up. I am confident that I am not serving as a safety net to him.)

 

As I said before, I dated around, too. I felt the same way he did, but I already consciously knew that I was having trouble with not loving him from afar. I had moved on from the relationship we had, but I hadn't fully moved on from him. I did not enter into any serious relationships, or lead on anyone I dated, because I knew I wasn't ready for that.

 

He is willing to move forward at the pace that makes me comfortable, which is important to me. He gets that it is difficult to trust him again because he was the one who left. And we both do not want to rush back into it and build something on a shaky foundation. I want it to be solid before we go back to consistently being a couple. So we go on dates, be affectionate, have serious talks, and then go back home alone. I'm not ready to make things physical, aside from hand-holding and kissing, and he's in agony over that. He's definitely ready for sex, but that's just something he's got to deal with. (Our attraction has always been off the charts. Trust me that it would be really easy for us to jump into bed and jump into a day to day relationship, but we recognize that we cannot.)

 

We've had a few more talks about how we can prevent our old patterns from resurfacing, and aside from specifics to our relationship that I don't want to get into here, a big piece of it is his realization that he used to have a foot out the door, but now is sure that he wants to have both feet in the relationship and work through problems that come up. He keeps talking about future plans and vacations he wants us to take, and I keep dialing him back, because we both need to be in the now.

 

We spoke about how both of us had dysfunctional relationship role models in our parents, and realized which parent we were both role playing in our prior relationship and are committed to exorcising those demons and learning to treat each other with kindness and treasure one another.

 

To anyone in pain, who feels like they shared something special and loving with their ex but that he or she took that for granted, don't be afraid to let it go. Sometimes space and time are exactly what is needed to have the necessary ingredients so that you are able to build something even better in the future. Be brave and work on yourself - face your grief, find yourself again, and find your independence and comfort living on your own so that you're ready for a strong relationship (whomever it may be with.)

[mhowe]

Sounds like you are laying the necessary ground work for a successful version 2.0!

[Cadence44]

Sounds like you are laying the necessary ground work for a successful version 2.0!

 

I hope so! I very much identified with your reconciliation story when I was grieving, so hearing that means a great deal to me.

[hopefulandhurt]

congratulations! this is a wonderful story. sounds like you took enough time apart and in NC to really grow and experience life without each other and are going back into this as a fresh relationship with a renewed sense of commitment and appreciation for each other. you seem to have a great outlook and handled everything so well. good luck!

[Lkut8]

Well, this sounds familiar! ;-)

[Cadence44]

I was thinking about this place because it's coming up on a year since my guy and I broke up.

 

Things are still really wonderful at about 4 months into our new relationship and over 3 years since our first date. We don't take one another for granted anymore, and we're both certain we want to be together.

 

A couple of months ago, he took me on a romantic weekend trip for my birthday. I felt quite spoiled. We've just booked a trip to the beach in Mexico for a months from now. We are "out" to all of our friends and family (I kept our reunion quiet from a few people I feared might be judgmental) and everyone is thrilled that we managed to work it out. We are good together, and others could see it, too.

 

He has been bringing that he wants us to move in together, and I've asked for some more time before we have that discussion. Things are nice now, and there's no need to rush back into it. Perhaps we'll talk about it in another month or so.

 

Looking back on our relationship pre-breakup and what we call "relationship 2.0", I can say that 2.0 could not be as pleasant as it is if I had not worked on myself and rediscovered who I was without him. It's so tempting to wallow and cling on to hope, but - after a bit of time to be self-indulgent - you've got to dust yourself off and start thinking about yourself and what you can do to make your life happier.

 

You've got to have the courage to be alone and fully let go of what you had and improve yourself so when you do find someone you want to be with, you're ready for it. You have to be selfish. It is ludicrous to want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. That doesn't mean you have to force yourself to believe that you don't still care for them - you do - but do not sell yourself short and chase your ex because you're scared to be alone. Instead, be alone. You can do it.

 

I've been there. I felt sick all of the time and I was scared and felt alone. But I let him go because I didn't have a choice. I didn't pester him, I didn't contact him. I knew I had to let him live without me. It was really hard, and I spent every waking moment on websites like this one, looking for reassurance. But by letting him be free and not chasing him, I allowed him to see that I was strong, confident, and willing to live without him. That allowed him to see me through a different lens, and it helped him to see my value.

 

And looking back on it, if I knew I had to go through that awful time of the breakup to be this happy and in love with a guy who is now 100% sure about being with me, I would do it all over again. We know how to appreciate one another now, and that is worth its weight in gold.

[mhowe]

Excellent post.