Thoughts Surplus

[LC8328]

I have too many things on my mind.

 

This is funny because, most people would tell you I don't have much of anything on my mind at all. So, this is an attempt to clear my mind a bit and get rid of the mental garbage so I can work, so I can write.

 

First off, spiritually speaking, I am tired. Born into a religious family, got rebellious in teen years which got to a bad extreme in my 20's, and now at the end of my 30's I'm back where I started. Sort of.

 

Except now I'm experienced more things and I feel...spiritually tired. I know what I believe but I feel like something's missing and I don't know what it is. I feel like I'm going to feel empty until I figure it out.

 

I feel guilty about things. I feel guilty about things that aren't even my fault. I am ultra-defensive in nature. I don't know why. I think I have always been like this. My mother made sure to point that out many a time.

 

I don't talk to my mother often. I used to. She and I used to be close. But as she got older (as you may have read in threads I've started previously), she became more cruel. Insult my siblings, me and our children. It's gotten to a point where, when I talk to her I have to let what she says go in one ear and out the other...it's the only way we can converse like civilized adults.

 

I am conflicted, however. I know she won't be on this Earth much longer as every year she's getting closer to 80 years old. When she dies, I am going to miss her and feel even more guilty, but today she's still alive yet I have no motivation to talk to her. What's up with that? Am I purposely creating issues for myself? If I know this, then why can't I do something about it instead of whine and do nothing? The conflict continues.

 

I hate that my current manuscript is just sitting there lonely, and I haven't done anything with it for a while. It's a good story, but I have no motivation these days. Motivation seems to be a problem for me. Is it confidence? Maybe that's it. Who's going to read it anyway? That's the thing with small publishers - they reach smaller audiences. Which brings me to another problem. If I aggressively promote my books and/or submit a manuscript to a big publishing house, would I be ready to deal with it?

 

When I started writing my first book a few years ago, I told Hubby that all I wanted to do was get published, that once I did I'd be happy. It was accepted quickly...and here years later, my third book about to come out soon, and I'm still not happy. Will I continually be unhappy because I simply can't get the right mindset? How did I lose focus of what I originally wanted, which was just to get published? Will thinking in 'bigger terms' distract me from the craft of writing? Finally, is it right to want that, to want a bigger audience?

 

I struggle with this. I don't know what I want. It's all very annoying. Sometimes I wish I were more like my friends who are focused and do what they need. Since I'm the more creative type I'm very undisciplined in my work ethic and I drive myself crazy.

 

On the other hand, there are good things about me. I want to help people. I am much better in writing than speaking, which is one reason I'm on ENA. I'm a slow thinker in some ways, yet very fast in meaningless ways. LOL. Self-disparaging, yes. It's in my nature.

 

Well! This has been quite an experience, typing all this out. Night all.

[LC8328]

So here I am again, but this time it's morning.

 

The first entry that I did above really helped, because yesterday I was able to write, for the first time in weeks. So I'm almost feeling like myself again.

 

One thing I've noticed about myself, is that I still have issues with my nerves. I try to take my B12 supplements, and it does help. But problems - even small problems - make me panic when I can't think of a solution. It's the same reason why I failed Algebra 2 in high school, LOL. Seemingly complicated things make me panic and not want to even try to figure it out. That's why I'd failed, the only class I'd ever failed. Not because I didn't understand it; it was because I didn't want to put forth the effort into dissecting complicated formulas.

 

It's a lazy brain. I think if it were not for that disasterous mindset, I could have done things differently in my life. But I'm a work in progress. So be it.

 

Anyway, back to the nerves.

 

I don't want to become too dependent on external forces to soothe my nerves, nor do I want to give myself an excuse for being this way. I need to work on it, need to take a deep breath and think through these problems rationally, and when that's done, tackle the next problem. I can do it.

 

People do it all the time. I need to do it, too. This is the real world, and as they say, the real world doesn't wait for anyone. I have a family to take care of so I have to step up to the plate.

 

Anyway, as it's morning, have a schedule to keep, have to get a little one to school.

[LC8328]

So this morning, I'm driving my little one to school and he says something, and I'm zoning out while driving and only half-listening. I think he'd said something about 'moving' so I say out loud, "No, you move," absentmindedly. He said, "But we're family." (He's 6 years old.) That's when I realized I shouldn't have responded to him if I didn't fully listen to and/or understand the context of what he'd said, and that my response was somehow wrong.

 

Then he said, "Maybe if I move, then you will follow me later." I guess he was talking about him moving away, and I had inadvertently told him that he would be moving by himself, alone. Of course this immediately made me feel sad and guilty. I told him, "No. I will be right here next to you. You will never lose me. No matter what, okay?"

 

Now I'm feeling emotional and sad for little children who feel abandoned and helpless. Not that that's how my son felt, but one thought and feeling led to more.

 

I'm just a walking ball of emotion. How in the heck do I turn it off? Where's the darn switch?!

 

All right, enough of this soul-baring for now. Have to pick up the kids.

[LC8328]

So here I am again. I've written, I don't know, maybe under 3,000 words this week, which is not a lot.

 

Sometimes I think I'm inspired and I have it again, but it dies out quickly. It's a bit maddening really.

 

Still haven't spoken to my mother. Thought about calling her the other day and then conveniently forgot. I haven't seen her since before Christmas. I know I am just protecting my kids and myself from her hurtful words, but as with most things I'm on the fence about it, and indecision has led to inactivity.

 

In regards to the writing, I just need to change my attitude, I know. Maybe I just need to watch some motivational stuff, some Joel Osteen. Maybe it'll make me feel better, like I'm not hopeless or a waste of a human being.

 

If anybody ever invents that 'Emotions Turn-Off Switch,' please let me know immediately.

 

Today I realized that I might be so introverted that it's painful. Sometimes when I'm talking too much, I actually begin to get stressed and like I can't breathe. That's weird, isn't it?

[LC8328]

All right, I was going to post this on my personal blog on my website, but I like posting on ENA for some reason.

 

I feel like I am constantly getting 'punished' for not being a pushy kind of person. It has never been in my nature. When it comes to my family - hubby and kids - it's pretty different, but in normal everyday life when I go out and interact with people, I have never been the pushy type.

 

Growing up I always thought this was a bad thing. A friend of mine did a paper on shyness and she said something interesting: That the USA has the highest number of shy people, because in other countries it's considered a good thing, and in this country we see shyness as a negative thing, something to overcome. I agree it's important to be aggressive in business, but on a personal level, I think people need to be who they are.

 

And who I am is quiet, slow to realize things, respectful of people's space. I used to envy being like my best friend, who is extroverted by nature, but now that I'm 38 I realize I'm happy with the way I am.

 

For example: I'm driving in a parking lot. I stop because there's this couple getting out of their car and they have a baby, a literal baby who is in one of those infant car seats. I don't want to drive around them so I kind of sit and wait there. And this guy in the parking lot watching me shouts at me because I'm just waiting there - he probably didn't see the people getting out. Or maybe it would have been the norm to drive around these people. But I prefer to err on the side of caution.

 

And now it makes me mad. Things like this happen all the time, and I'll be brutally honest in saying it makes me hate people at times. You know? I'm just being me, not wanting to cause trouble, being careful and being respectful of people's space. I don't like to be considered as nice - for some reason I feel uncomfortable referring to myself that way - but I do think I am very good at knowing when something isn't any of my business. I like to stay out of people's way. Am I to be punished for that? I think so.

 

I refuse to be anybody's emotional punching bag. If you've got something to say to someone, say it to them, and don't make me suffer for it.

 

Ugh. I need a vacation or something.

[LC8328]

Note to self: It's okay if they don't like you. It's okay, CML. People don't have to like you. They have ideas about who you are based on their limited experience with you in the past. You have to learn to let it be.

 

Okay, the insane part of my post is over. Today I got an invite for a FB group planning our 20th high school reunion. Looking at all the names I was overcome with emotion. Some people I liked, some people I knew didn't like me and probably still don't. To be fair to them, I was pretty self-absorbed 20 years ago. I had my good qualities, but I could understand why some didn't like me.

 

Not sure if I should go or not. I would love to see everyone, but if I get the cold shoulder from certain people, well, it would hurt. I know it shouldn't matter. They're people from 20 years ago. But I'm like this, you see. Extremely ultra-sensitive. Sigh. I don't know. Maybe I should send my regrets and stay home in my safe zone.

 

Looking at my journal posts so far, I now realize...I am a mental case. Wheee.

[LC8328]

OK, so, for no apparent reason at all, I have been feeling inadequate in most areas of my life.

 

Now, although I said 'for no apparent reason,' I did suspect part of it was the fact that my 20-year-high school reunion is coming up. That can't be a coincidence, that I get invited to this and now I feel inadequate.

 

But that can't be the entire reason. I know this because I have reasoned it out and discussed this with hubby and he made me feel better about not reaching certain academic goals that I had 20 years ago, etc.

 

I still feel this strange cloud of darkness, this strange feeling of me not being able to get anything right. Sure, there have been little things, stupid mistakes as well as instances of me not thinking things through, that have contributed to this, and really none of it was terribly important, but for some reason lately I can't escape this feeling.

 

What the heck, man? I tell myself things, such as, "It's all in your mind. Think positively." And so forth. But I still can't escape it. Like my signature says at press time, my mind already knows this yet my heart won't follow. It's maddening.

 

Honestly, just now I laid down for a minute and cried a little bit. Why, you ask? No reason. I just feel inadequate. I would say it's been like this for the last handful of days or so.

 

The reunion is not really on my mind anymore. I think what I really need, is a vacation. But there is no vacation from your feelings.

[LC8328]

So, you wanna know what 'overdramatic' means?

 

I've been slowly losing a little bit of weight for the last month...not on a diet but utilizing my energy for my own maximum benefit, and moving my eating schedule around...and I really think at least some of my mood swings lately has been because of this, because these things affect my mood quite a bit. Because today I haven't had any stress-related issues and I feel just fine and dandy; in fact, I feel pretty darn good today.

 

So, that's what overdramatic means, also known as Drama Queen, etc. I guess those inadequacy feelings are still there, but I don't have time to think about it because I'm getting other stuff done.

 

Upward and onward.

[LC8328]

Almost out of patience. Not asking for advice on the forum because I know what I need to do. Just need to express my anger, and need to let you all know to pray for whoever gets in my way.

 

Even nice people get furious, because often we get pushed too far.

[LC8328]

There are too many little misunderstandings here and there in my life. Like a bad 80's sitcom.

 

I'd tweet this, but I don't feel like having to explain myself to anyone who'd see the tweet. So I'm posting it here instead. LOL.

 

It's obviously just me then. I'm the one who misunderstands things, or causes the misunderstandings. I don't think I do it on purpose. Maybe I'm just a moron.

[LC8328]

Thought about posting this in the forum but then realized I didn't really want advice (at least I'm admitting it, unlike other's I've seen that will post a question then attack the people who respond...lol).

 

I don't know what to do about my mother. She is approaching 80 in the next few years and is starting to lose her marbles. As in, leaving a pot of water boiling and forgetting, and going out. As in, believing every numbskull psychic that sends her a letter. I no longer believe she should be living alone with just my dad. (My dad doesn't have a sense of smell anymore so he didn't notice the burning of the pan...I think my sibling happened to visit and was able to turn off the heat.)

 

Also, even before she got older, she was difficult to deal with. Always insulting people, mostly her family. Now that she's older it's even worse. For those of you familiar with my situation, there have been times (like a few years ago) when I've walked out on her yelling at me in order to shield my children. This is nothing compared to what my siblings have been through with her.

 

It has come to my attention recently that when my husband I move (maybe within the next year), we are going to have to take my mother with us (my dad can move in with a friend or come with; it's not him I'm worried about and he's fine living with or without her, from what I could tell). I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I think I am the best of her children to do this because I 'get along' with her (if you can call it that) and I was a brat when I was little so I figure it's only fair she drive me just as crazy as I had driven her. But I do not like the idea of her being around my children, who she loves but she is just too rude sometimes, i.e., telling my son he he's fat, etc (which he isn't). Of course, if I had to, I choose my children over my mother. They need me and she is toxic.

 

The truth is, I love my mother very much (she's the only one I have after all), and at the same, I hate her guts (I have so many issues because of her). It makes no sense. I am always on the fence with what to do about her. I am at a loss. I'm hoping that by writing this down, it'll make sense to me.

[LC8328]

OMG!!!! I am trying SO HARD not to attack the next person who insults one of our members just because they didn't hear the advice they "wanted" to get.

 

There has been SO MANY horrible new people/ guests on ENA lately. They're making it worse for everyone who really does want help.