modesty/shy guy vs. arrogant bad boy

[odysseus77]

I'm just gonna post an experience/experiment that I recently did, any comments as to why in gods name this is true would be helpful....

 

My whole life I have been "who i am" just waiting for some girl to appreciate my modesty, shyness, true character, respect for women, and nice guy attitudes. And for the last 8 months it has gotten me NO WHERE, I got about 3 dates with one girl, then found out she was using me for leverage against her boyfriend...anywhoo

 

The I decided to see if there was any truth in the bad boy thing, how all girls will woo for a bad boy, and arrogant, self centered jerk...I've put up the bad boy act for about 2 weeks and I already have 4 girls who wont stop calling me...what the heck is this?

[SpoOnDiDdlY]

Yeah, I had a bad boy phase for a little while. Though, rather than being an arrogant jerk, my "rebel" was a dolt. Not my cuppa tea. I'm not exactly sure why it works that way, but perhaps I can figure it out as I type. Girls like to be risky, and dating a rebel can bring many prospective risks. I hope I used that word right. Anyhow... girls also like it when they adore someone that no one else does, so there's no competition. For example, I know many a girl who swoons over the most obscure person in a rock band in hopes that no one else will notice him. Doesn't work. EVERY girl notices the obscure guy. Just how it happens. I don't know what else to tell you, but I hope I helped at least a little.

[ShySoul]

It's crazy, it's stupid but alot of girls fall for the bad boy thing, especially at your age. At that age most people think they have to be wild and party alot. The bad boy gives off that wild, "i don't give a darn" image so girls will go for it. But eventually they learn that the nice guys are the ones they want and who will treat them right. Not that all girls are like that, just a number of them. It's a phase they grow out of. Plus, the bad boy seems to give off more confidence and be more outgoing, more likely to grab someones attention and go for a girl they see. The shy ones can be too laid back and not as willing to put themselves out there.

 

In the end, the nice guys are the ones who win while the jerks are lonely. It isn't about the quantity of girls you get, it's about the quality. Do you really want dates with all sort of girls who just want to have a good time or would you rather have one girl who is interested in a real relationship? Would you rather, as you said, put on an act or stay true to who you are? I am the shy, modest, nice guy who has zero luck with females. But I'd rather stay true to myself and wait for that one special person who I can have a meaningful relationship with then pretend to be someone I'm not and go out with girls who don't know or respect the real me.

[SkyFire]

I'm just gonna post an experience/experiment that I recently did, any comments as to why in gods name this is true would be helpful....

 

My whole life I have been "who i am" just waiting for some girl to appreciate my modesty, shyness, true character, respect for women, and nice guy attitudes. And for the last 8 months it has gotten me NO WHERE, I got about 3 dates with one girl, then found out she was using me for leverage against her boyfriend...anywhoo

 

The I decided to see if there was any truth in the bad boy thing, how all girls will woo for a bad boy, and arrogant, self centered jerk...I've put up the bad boy act for about 2 weeks and I already have 4 girls who wont stop calling me...what the heck is this?

 

Bro...

 

You have much to learn. It is not women's fault that you cant get them.. it is yours. The whole nice guy thing doesent work. But dont be a jerk either.

 

Be the nice guy who has enough respect for himself not to treat a woman like a goddess, and who can drop her any time he wants.

[caminokid]

i have the same frecking problem, shy,modest, respect for women and all the other things. and i dont get noticed, what sucks for me though is i just cant "act" like a bad boy. so im stuck in my rut of being that nice guy... i dont get it.

[ShySoul]

To all the nice guys: I know your frustrations and venting them can help. But remember, in the end it is the nice guys who win. Girls eventually see all we have to offer and realize that we are the ones they want. The jerks are the losers who will end up alone and miserable. Don't feel bad about being a nice guy, be proud of it. We'll all find that person who is right for us and when we do it will be worth all the waiting.

[wlfpack81]

WTF ever man. Nice guys don't win in the end b/c women don't grow out of this phase. To all you guys who can't change being nice I feel for ya, I really do. Mine as well try to get a good job/ get a lot of money so you can at least pamper yourself and buy the women you want or just eventually just break down and get an escort or something.

 

For those who can change or at least put up the act of being a jerk...more power to ya my friends. Have fun in the dating world.

[Ghalerine]

have you considered as to what kind of girls dated with you when you've been what you so-called "bad boy"?

[MetalJoe]

Well, my married female friends are all with nice guys, and some of my nice guy friends are married or in pretty successful relationships - so there is a happy ending.

[Danielle_5]

I think maybe you are missing something...As a shy nice guy, I think you are missing all the girls who do notice you. I'm one of the girls that is atracted by the shy nice guys, and yet because they are shy, they either don't notice the girls that are interested in them, or are too afraid to ask. Being shy myself, this is really a bad situation for me...haha. Anyway, my advice is to look aorund..Maybe you are only noticing the girls who are attracted to the rebels, I bet you there are a tonne of girls who have noticed you, but they are in the same boat as you, shy and feeling unnoticed.

[DropToZero]

Here's a short an quick explanation on that....take every SINGLE IDEA that you have about being a nice guy....do a 180....dont be mean, but be confident...tease...make fun of a girl in a fun way... In modesty..dont be too modest...accept compliments...make them yourself. As a modest person and shy person, you may be confident(who knows, I dont know you)...but whoever is dating you, or talking to you, will not think that. You have to emit that confidence and show it...almost make yourself like a 'prize' in the eyes of the girl you're talking to. Don't make it like you should be glad you're talking to her, make it so she should feel lucky for getting to talk to you. There's such thing as overconfidence...but if ..and only if that happens...lemme know.

[ShySoul]

Sorry man, but people shouldn't throw out there ideas of what a nice guy is. Yes, you should have confidence, but if you truly do then it will be picked up by the other person. You sound as if you are trying to completely reverse the situation. But that's not going to work either. Instead you need to meet in the middle. No one is a "prize" who the other person should be glad to be talking to. Look at it as simply two people who are talking and getting to know each other better. Being a nice guy isn't about a lack of confidence or being too modest, it is about being nice and polite. There is nothing wrong with that and no reason to change. As long as you don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of, being a nice guy the right way to be.

[DropToZero]

Okay...shysoul...I know you're royal member, you've probably given plenty of great advice...not to mention the word 'shy' is in your name. Im not trying to be cruel, but in some ways your counter attack of all my advice...is driving me nuts. I'm not going to get into your personal life....but please just for reference...How many girls have you dated? are dating? g/f's?...anything....I am interested in knowing for my own knowledge.

 

I have been a nice guy...for as long as I can remember back to the first time I started talking to girls. So please...just b/c you have 3 years on me....don't think you know so much more about it. I know EXACTLY what it is like, and it will get you NOWHERE... God, do you have any idea how many girls I know and have said they want to meet a 'nice guy'....okay, so why until college, did I NEVER have a date....b/c being NICE is not all it is. ANYONE can be nice....I even got a 'compliment' when I was in highschool that I was the 'nice guy'...no.....did I ever date that girl? no...b/c all I could be was nice.

 

See, what I've finally learned...is that being NICE, doesnt attract girls to you. I'm still a nice guy...I can't help it...its just part of me. What I have learned is that all these shy people, the nice guys....they are the ONES who invented the word "JERK"....they came up with that word for the guys who get dates, and have girls always around them...why? b/c they're jealous....if you don't believe me...just think about it in a context of your own experience.

 

On your 'two people talking and getting to know each other'...yea...umm....tried that....if you get a g/f that way, good for you, I hope it lasts more than a month....unless you are both the same way. Guys always want girls to like them, just b/c they like the girl, and that's not how it works. Every guy worries about what the girl thinks of him, and then he starts acting 'nice'...then he gets put into a label of a 'friend' by the girl, and he'll never get out of it. Even to the point when he breaks and tells her that he is 'in love' with her and then when she rejects him....he has no idea why she doesnt feel the same way. It's b/c being nice again...is not what attracts girls. I don't want to make this post any longer.....there's so much more info that Ive learned that has turned my girls and dating perspective around since college.... If I'm wrong, tell me why I have so many more girl friends than guy friends right now...tell me why Ive been on more dates in the past month, than I have in my entire highschool career.....I really want to know

[doorik]

I always read and hear that girls go for the bad boys because "they're dangerous",

"unpredictable", "exciting" etc..

 

I don't think that's it - It's actually because the're safe. With guys like that, you always know it's going to end.

[ShySoul]

First, I wasn't trying to counter attack you. I just disagree with how you are thinking and wanted to present the opposite point of view so that you and others can see which side makes more sense to them. Trust me, I know how lonely and painful being a nice guy can be. I've dated zero girls, no girlfriends, no kiss. It can get me down at times. But in the end, I know that I have to stay true to myself. If I wasn't myself then I wouldn't be happy with my life. I am a nice guy through and through, it's part of me and i can't deny that. Yes, not having a relationship hurts. But it isn't because I'm a nice guy or because I'm shy. I simply haven't found that right person yet where we have that connection, that spark and something develops. I know it will happen someday and when it does then it won't matter how long I waited, or what my past has been like. What will matter is that bond we share.

 

Also consider that when you say anyone can be nice, remember that some people ACT nice when they really aren't. They put on a fake act to try to impress the girls that are looking for a nice guy. They know how to manipulate things to appear better than they are. But in the end there real face will show and they will be alone. Yes, probably all girls will say they want a nice guy, and in the end they do. But we are young and people make mistakes. Some are getting fooled by the people I just mentioned. Some know the nice guys are better but think they should be acting wild while they are young and so they end up with the jerks who will act wild. Others may think they can change the jerk, bring out the nice guy inside as a challenge. There are all kinds of reasons why things don't work out, it's not as simple as people make it out do be. You can't just say "girls go for jerks" or "nice guys finish last."

 

Nice guys didn't invent the word jerk. A jerk is someone who treats others poorly, takes advantage of them, puts them down, etc. I would think it would be just as likely, if not moreso, that girls started using the term to describe the guys who were rude and mean to them. In my experience, the people I would consider jerks aren't the ones who have dates. Jerks are the ones who would leave there dates in tears crying, would blow the girl off to be with someone else, would say rude things to her, would take advantage of her, would ignore her, etc. They are jerks. The nice guys ae the ones who wouldn't dream of doing such things and who would be there to comfort a girl after she wen through something like that.

 

I think you are falling into the same trap that alot of people do when it comes to defining what a nice guy is. Yes, a guy shouldn't want a girl to like him because he likes her. He shouldn't try to act nice to get her to like him. Those people aren't true nice guys. A true nice guy would be themselves and hope that she likes him for who he is. If it doesn't work out, it may hurt, but it isn't the end of the world. They know there will be other opportunities and girls that they will connect with. All of the lasting relationships I have seen started off with the two people simply being friends first and letting what happens happens. If a person is rejected, it isn't because he is nice. It is because the other person just doen't have the same feelings. I'll even admit that some girls are shallow and would turn down someone who is really nice, but those girls are very rare. There are any number of explanations for why things don't work out. To just blame it on being nice is way oversimplifing things and is just a quick, easy answer.

 

So, why has things turned around for you? Again, could be any number of reasons. Maybe you've developed more confidence in yourself and that is showing through. Maybe once you had a couple of dates you got more comfortable with the idea and with yourself and just decided to go for it. Maybe you've just now gotten around girls who see you in that way. Maybe the girls in your highschool didn't know what they wanted and couldn't see what you had to offer. Maybe the girls you are seeing now just want to go out since they figure it's college and that's what they are suppose to be doing. It could be any reason and without knowing the exact details I can't say for sure. But being nice or a jerk doesn't necessarily have anything to do with it.

[Shidoshi]

I don't think attracting women is as black & white as being a nice guy or jerk. However, depending on what kind of girl your looking for you can behave in a jerk sort of way and score big with some of them. This is because these types of girls are insecure with themselves and they need that drama in order to feel the attraction. I personally know a few women like this, some are smart, attractive, caring people but they are with guys who cheat, physically abuse them, etc.

 

They have a twisted sense of what "confidence" is so they stay with guys who behave in this way. I know some girls who did not pursue me until they knew I was involved in a relationship. I can attest to acting a little jerky to get some girls and it worked like a charm, but it all depends on the "type" of girl you want, and how far you want to take it. The experience I had with my first girlfriend made me change how I acted to a certain degree because I was dumped for not being enough of a challenge. I don't put on an act around women, but I do know how to manipulate them to get what I want.

 

LOL, even though it doesn't always work out the way I want, I do know that you should pay more attention to the way they act then what the say, because it can change without any warning.

[hungryhippo]

I think the bad boy thing is just a phase, but we really want a relationship with a sweet guy. I like confident guys but not coc ky just self confidence- guys who know who they are and happy with who they are, bc if they are happy with who they are they are most likely more positive and fun to be around

[DropToZero]

Okay..fine, you have an opposite point of view. We both have opinions....we both have our reasons. The only difference I see is that mine...work. You have nothing to back up your being nice b/c of what you have told me. I'm not saying your a bad person or that you're wrong, but there is such a thing as "CHANGE"...and change is a good thing. I honestly, and hopefully pray to god that you will consider that for yourself even.

 

Umm....The idea that you're 'waiting for the right girl'.....Ive been there, and done that too. I was so obsessed over a girl in HS b/c I swear I thought she was just the one.....ya know what?....I never even got a date with her. Waiting for the 'right' person is the biggest load of bull, its just you trying to make up excuses for the fact that you are not dating anyone right now. Please don't even get mad, I had to admit it too....its an excuse. I'm not saying you have to change your whole self and be somebody you're not, I've changed in my confidence(so you were right there), and in turn its actually helped me to be more calm and controlled around girls. I never changed who I was, I changed my beliefs, b/c what you think( and what I used to think) about women, will NOT work. In ten years, you'll still be posting about waiting for the 'right' girl.....think about it. You need to decide what you want, and go after it....you need as much help as I did. There's even something I finally came to agree to, "nothing is going to happen, unless I make it happen'. Face it, most girls dont have the guts to approach guys, and guys are the same way sometimes, so what makes you think some girl is going to 'accidently' bump into you and she'll be the one. You cannot choose the 'right' person w/o dating at least....you remind me of every single thought I used to believe....

 

Okay...the work 'jerk'....fine...then call me one....I started teasing and flirting with this girl in a class, I make fun of her(but make it funny b/c I act serious)....every single thing that I say to girls now to flirt, is something that a year ago being the nice guy, I wouldve been like 'NO, you cant say that to a girl, that's mean!' or 'No, she'll hate me if I say something like that' i.e....making fun of her. Ya know what tho....she wont leave me alone. She loves talking to me. She says I'm more interesting than her b/f, yet I have no intentions of trying anything like taking her. ....so call me a jerk....I call it being smart, learning something new that works, and having fun at the same time....

 

Nice guys being their to 'comfort'..ya..done that too....if she did end up liking you b/c of that....its just rebound till she gets her b/f back or something....

 

Girls arent 'shallow' for turning down guys that are nice....lmao....girls turn down guys that are nice to them b/c that's just it, they're nice, they don't make the girl feel anything for them. I really like another thing I learned....'attraction isn't a choice'.....just being nice won't make a girl 'fall' for you.....and being a nice guy you and myself, we both know that.

 

Haha, that last paragraph you wrote....those are excuses again....It's just simply b/c I've changed for the better....I'm happier now than I've probably ever been. I really truly wish you would consider this all, I have been in your shoes, I was exactly like you.....You may be older than me, but I just figured this out a little bit sooner, and I think you should too.

[Cougar_20]

Well here is my take on everything. You can be a nice guy and still get girls, but you can't do it by just being nice. The problem with nice guys is they often get labeled as pushovers. If you are constantly kissing a girls butt and doing everything that she wants (the ideal nice guy routine), most girls get bored with that pretty fast. You have to create attraction between the two of you. Send her mixed signals. Hit on her big time one day, then don't talk to her for two days. Buy her flowers on your own terms, then ignore her for a week. It's all about building attraction between yourself and another girl and you simply can't do that without playing games and using the nice guy routine alone.

 

I've gotten a lot more girls myself by using this routine. I am never disrespectful, dishonest, or even a jerk to these girls, I just keep them on their toes and it works like a charm. Sure I may tease them a little bit, and maybe be a bit of a smarta**, but that is my natural personality and is how I act around everyone, but I am never disrespectful. In my mind, the only "jerks" are the ones that lie, cheat, abuse, and disrespect women.

 

We just all have to come to realize that you have to play games in dating. You can't put it all out there initially and expect to be successful with women. It really is a damn shame too, because sometimes you just want to call her or tell her how you feel so badly, but you just know that you can't. Women are crazy I tell you, the one and only thing I've learned about women is that they just don't know what the hell they want.

[ShySoul]

Actually, I have a lot to back my position up. I have seen examples of how a nice guy does end up with a good girl, including my older brother who I’ve always shared much in common with. If he can find someone, than I have no don’t that I will too. There have also been plenty of posts on this site from women wondering where they can find a NICE guy to be. With. Obviously, there are girls out there looking for nice guy and nice guys do end up finding someone. Yes, change is good, but it has to be the right kind of change for the right reasons. Changing from someone who is polite and respectful to someone who is rude and says hurtful things, that’s an example of negative change. It’s taking a giant step back, not forward. Yes, some girls may respond to it. But are these the types of girls that you really think you can have a long meaningful relationship with? Or is it that you just want to be dating so bad that you aren’t thinking about things like that as long as you can say you have a date? I’m not saying that’s how you are, again, it’s something to think about. I’ve changed a lot over the years, but the one thing I will NEVER change is being a nice guy. It is who I am and I will never violate that, especially if it’s just to get a date.

 

“Waiting for the right person” is not an excuse, it’s a goal. I’ve seen plenty of people who settle for what comes along only to regret it later. Read through these posts and you’ll find the vast majority of people advise to do just what I am doing. You only get one first kiss, first date, first love, first time, etc. I want those firsts to be special, not something done to get it over with or something that feels rushed and uncomfortable. I promised myself from the first moment I learned about relationships that I wouldn’t go into one unless everything felt right, unless it was the right person. I promised myself this from the beginning, long before dating someone was a realistic possibility. I was 5 then and 17 years later I’m still waiting. That’s not something I’m ashamed of or would feel like I have to make excuses for, it’s something I’m proud of. Few people would have the determination to sick to their belief this long, and I don’t see any reason to change. Even if 10 years from know I’m still waiting, that just means there will be all that more love and passion waiting for when it does happen. Nice guys may finish last but they finish best and nice guys end up with the nice girls.

 

If this girl really was “the right one” then it would have worked out. There will be girls you wish were the right one and some who really feel like it. But if they don’t work out, then they aren’t. They are there to help you see what it truly means to have that kind of connection with someone, how rare and special it is, and how you should cherish it when it does come along.

 

My thoughts and believes, including my thoughts on women, are who I am and they will work with women. Then again, that’s not even my goal. I don’t care if they attract women. I’ll be myself and live my own life. If something happens between me and a girl, then I’ll let it happen naturally. Yes, you do need to be willing to speak out, that’s something I’ve worked on. But you can still make it happen without resorting to teasing or being a jerk. Let the friendship and interest develop naturally and when you feel like that connection is there, politely make a move and see what happens. And if you want to say that it won’t happen, every girl I’ve ever been interested I grew to like them over a period of time, after first being friends. Plenty of other people have similar stories. So it does happen.

 

If attraction isn’t a choice, that still doesn’t mean being nice is the determining factor. The point of being nice is not to have girls fall for you; the point of being nice is to be nice. If a girl likes you it will be because of the whole package. Being nice may not be the only thing, but it is help. If after being in the “comfort zone” the girl still doesn’t feel that way about you, then so what? It’s her lose. You were merely helping her out like any good friend would do. It will be appreciated and that’s all you should expect. Again, you aren’t nice to make the girl like you, you should be nice to simply be nice. If you really think you are correct, then go ahead and keep it up. Personally, I think you are making a mistake and will see that one of these days. As for me, I like who I am, love my believes and won’t compromise my values for anything.

[sparkey]

It is not about being a "jerk" or a "nice guy" or any of that.

 

It is about RESPECT!!!

 

Respecting the other person and just as importantly RESPECTING YOURSELF. That means being able to say NO to a woman if you really do not want too do something. Being able to have boundaries and stand up to them. Its human nature but things that you have to work for are always more valuable to you than the things that are given to you.

 

So, if you go out on a date and afterwards a woman tells you too call her at a certain time and you already have plans. DO NOT CHANGE YOUR PLANS! Tell her you are busy and that you will call her another time. No games, no manipulating, jsut be truthful to yourself.

 

See, women want a guy who treats them nice, who respects them, makes them feel special, but they DO NOT WANT a guy that is a pushover and gives in to everything they want.

[DropToZero]

Wow...god this is gonna take a lot longer than I thought. So b/c of your brother being the 'nice' guy...you think that the same will happen to you?....good luck

 

Okay...just to clarify this...I've never said anything MEAN or HURTFUL...this is where I have finally found THAT line between being mean and joking around. From what I get out of you, is that all you are IS nice....you don't sound like you flirt at all or do anything to even make an effort to get a girl. I don't know how many times I'd have to say it to get it thru your head, that I was and still am fighting it, exactly like you.

 

As for 'waiting' for the right person.....I hope you wake up in life and realize what you want out of it, or you're going to be waiting for a very long time...

For your beliefs....wow...again, exactly like mine....till like the past couple of months or so. You don't see any reason to change? BS...I know you're like me, its driving you crazy on the inside everytime you screw it up with a girl and become her friend or just plain don't do anything w/ the girl that you are attracted to. If you think that's not true....then you are blinded by your own beliefs to how everything really is. No one wants to be alone....its human nature....and I highly doubt YOU want to picture yourself sitting at your comp in the next few years typing on this site b/c you're still WAITING for the one, and YOU aren't doing ANYTHING to make an effort. Being nice alone won't cut it....you gotta make an effort to change in some other way, whether it be to up your social skills in general, or learn how to flirt...etc.... and its not a bad thing.

 

With every girl you've grown to being friends with....you end up liking them.....most likely then you have told them?....and they either said 'lets just stay friends' or .....you can fill that in...b/c from what you've told me, nothing has happened in any relationship matter in your life out of that.

 

Haha...I like that sentence...'It's her loss*'.....you and I both know that's how it should be, but that's not how you feel inside. Enlighten me tho...tell me the 'huge' mistake I'm making when I feel almost like I've made a breakthru in my life in general.....where do you see harm in my making more friends and dating more girls? It's not like I've thrown out everything I've ever known about myself, I've just changed a few things, and from what I keep reading from you, you're not making an effort to improve yourself....you're just staying the same....even if you won't admit to me that you don't want to change(for the better)....I know you do

[spatzcolumbo]

It is such a long time since i posted to anything on here, but for some reason this post grabbed me and i thought it was kinda interesting.

 

Everyone is so keen to make this definition that you are either a nice guy or a jerk. That is just not the case - it's not that black and white. I picture myself as being a nice guy, but i also like to think there is something else about me that runs a bit deeper than just being a nice guy. I like to think there is an edge that i have which allows me to act a certain way with certain people. Most of it is to do with confidence. The people i wanna be a 'nice guy' to, i will be a 'nice guy'. The people i am interested in on more of a relationship level, i will be a nice guy, but i'll also have that edge that says to the other person "There is something more to me, and i know that you want to find out what it is". Its a way of talking to someone, a way of acting around someone, and a way of using your body / body language around someone. It is asserting confidence and control on a situation. The fact is, a lot of it IS about manipulating someone into taking an interest. Everyone does it - even the 'nice guys'. Everyone does it because it is human nature, and something we do without a second thought.

 

Take the whole teasing thing for instance - it is saying "i can tease you all i like, but i do it in a way that i know intrigues you, and keeps you coming back for more". The whole 'nice guy with no edge' thing doesn't have that. I'm not saying the nice guy doesn't get the girl, but i'm saying that maybe the 'nice guy with an edge' has more chance, just because they are slightly more interesting / intriguing.

 

The fact is, dating, and relationships are a game. They always have been. its a ritualistic thing - and there are, and always have been certain behavioural traits and attributes that appeal more to the opposite sex.

 

I've seen the movie 'Swingers' quoted a lot on this site, and it really does sum it up...you don't wanna be the nice guy in the PG movie who everyone is REALLY hoping gets the date (but ultimately doesn't), but you DO wanna be the guy in the r-rated movie, who you're not quite sure about yet, but you wanna find out a bit more about him to make up your mind. Being that guy doesn't make you a jerk, it just means that you have the social awareness to realise that different people like different things. It usually means that you know how to identify these things, and more importantly, how to adapt to those different people in order to appear more appealing. It isn't a 'jerk' thing to do, it is a human thing to do.

 

Just my opinions!!

[ShySoul]

Sorry, I don't think dating, love, attraction, or things along that line is a game. If it is, it's only because people think they need to make it into one. These same games that may fascinate one person only annoys and frustrates others. I'm one of those people. Why play games and leave room for misinterpretations and misunderstandings, when you can be honest and know where everything stands?

 

Why put on an act and adapt to others when you can be yourself? People should be proud of who they are and not be afraid to show it. If I am a nice guy, why should I be anything else? Is this edge thing really me? If it's not, then don't do it. And especially don't do it just to get people, to notice you. I think that people should be accepting of you, not the you that you try to display to the world but the real you. By trying to be manipulative or mysterious, your just putting on a facade. And would you whether have a girl who became interested in you because you appeared intriguing or one who became interested because she can relate to the person you are deep down inside? I'll take the latter.

[spatzcolumbo]

I think you may misunderstand me...i'm not suggesting it is a game in a childish 'messing people around and manipulating' way, but in a more natural way. To get what i mean, you can look at so many different parts of the animal world - there are so many mating rituals which go on. Have you ever heard of the term 'Alpha Male'. These mating rituals are all games, but not in the same way as your understanding of the word. The Alpha Male thing can be applied to humans as well - go to any bar and look at the body language of the guys in there. You are bound to see some 'Alpha Male' behaviour - people trying to assert themselves on the entire room, and become the 'Alpha Male'. Such signs are people sitting back with their hands behind their heads, or talking and laughing loudly, or appearing to be the 'storyteller' of the group - the one who EVERYONE is listening to, hanging on their every word. Women do it too. They flick their hair, show their wrists, lick their lips, etc. This is all a game. It is the game of getting people to notice you. It is not something that most people even think about - they just do it. People naturally gravitate towards people who look like they are having a good time. People who seem to be holding the attention of lots of other people. The reason for this is it makes you think "what has that person got that is holding the attention of ALL those people". Success breeds success, confidence breeds confidence.

 

You say that it can fascinate one person, but can annoy and frustrate the other person. To that other person, i suggest doing something about the thing which frustrates you. If something else frustrates you, do you keep going at it in the same way until something eventually gives, or do you sit back and think "maybe i could do something a bit different".

 

The whole 'game' should be fun and enjoyable. I know it is not always like that, because i have been in your position, and i have also had some really low times through relationships, but now i feel happier than ever. The reason is because i have my confidence back, i don't take things too seriously, and i leave things to happen in whichever way they are meant to happen. But at the same time i am happy to nudge things in my direction if i so wish. If someone happens to like a bit of teasing, then i will tease them, and let them tease me back. Doing this isn't bad. It is a form of manipulation, but not in a bad way. You make it sound like a criminal offence. If you tease someone because you know they enjoy it, all you are doing is making them feel better about the contact they have with you. They associate having a good time with being around you. That is a form of manipulation, but is NATURAL. Infact YOU do it all the time with the people you get on with. Similarly the people we DON'T get on with are often people who we argue with, thus we associate BAD times with these people.

 

And would you whether have a girl who became interested in you because you appeared intriguing or one who became interested because she can relate to the person you are deep down inside? I'll take the latter.

 

Is it not possible to have both?? You say because i APPEARED intriguing. Could it not be that i actually AM intriguing. You are too quick to suggest that you have to be one or the other - be a nice guy or be a jerk, be yourself, or be mysterious / intriguing. It is possible to be both. The fact is when you first meet a person, it is VERY rare for them to be able to see the 'deep down inside' person. They will see the outer persona that you put out there. 'Deep down inside' comes later in a relationship.

 

As for waiting for 'the one'...i like to think that there is 'the one' out there too, but the fact is that you don't know who 'the one' is unless you have something to compare them against. This is where it is a 'game'. the idea of the game is that you go out, meet as many people as you can, and get an idea of what you actually want. There is nothing wrong with this. If you just sit back and hope to meet the person of your dreams, you run the risk of missing out on the person because you are not proactive enough. You may have already met her, but did not put yourself out there enough. You have to show people that you are interested, and this is where it is a game. People do not just KNOW that you are interested. You have to do things to show them that there is interest there.

 

One last thing i have to disagree with in your post is your assertion that people like myself are putting on an act, and not being true to self. In actual fact, i see this as being who i am. I am the kind of person that will naturally adapt to different people, and can get on with a relatively wide range of people. This isn't putting on a front, it is just being friendly and fitting in. If it makes me feel good at the same time, then so be it!