Sexychiick16 Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 Am a strong enough girl to not care about this or something... The law is involved and everything , but i have so much heart and choose to forgive these guys...I just dont have the heart to go through withthis. Has anybody ever been in this situation? why am i acting like this after such a seriousl thing happened? Link to comment
Howtocope Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 I read your story, and, from what it sounds like, you feel this way: Because you were drinking so heavily, and making out with these guys, you put yourself in a position where you didn't know what was happening. It sounds like you think that these guys were kind of led on by you.. and that you feel it was somewhat your fault... so, why get them in trouble.... Am I on target with this? Is this how you feel about this situation? Link to comment
sisterlynch Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 You have checked out emotionally after a traumatic experience, and you are wondering if this is normal? I would say yes. I think that eventually you will feel the emotions that you are dealing with in private. You are just going on shock or pure emotional distress. There is a delayed effect to some sorts of trauma, and I don't know how long it has been, but you may feel differently in a month or two. I would go to counseling as soon as you can, that way as the more deep seated anger or aggression comes out in you, you can feel that the way that you are feeling is normal. Stick it to the fellons, if they truly raped you, they are only sorry because they got caught. If you let them get away with this, they will do it again and then they will have no pre-existing circumstances to judge what is going on with them. How to cope are you excusing their behavior on the basis that she was drunk or made out with them? If she said no to some guys having sex with her at one time, not sure if this is true or not, and they forced sex on her, and she resisted, is that not a traumatic event for her? I am not saying that they need to go to prison for ever, but she needs to make sure that they receive the proper consequences. Link to comment
Sexychiick16 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Share Posted January 22, 2005 Howtocope- You are on target..But i still don't understand I know i am in shock , but i was emotional and scared when my friend passed away...But when it comes to myself i blame it all on me b/c i was trying to have fun...i guess in a way i was trying to escape my father because he is so controlling...I was trying to let go but i didnt mean it to get as far as it did. I was planning to have my virginity until i got married...Than that would be the next chapter of my life. i feel like i betrayed and cant be trusted or i cant every have fun and i think i am giving up alcohol forever now. Im goign to my aunts today and she wants to talk to me but im not sure if im at ease to talk to her about it in person and all...It hurts and i feel like i may start crying as i type this but im gonna hold it in. Link to comment
Howtocope Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 That is what I thought. That is the reason I asked. No, I do NOT excuse their behavior.. I was wondering if Sexychiick16 did.. and it sounds as though she does.... When I was 17, I was raped by my boyfriend. I said no, but I was so emotionally weak, that I let it happen anyway. This happened 3 times in our 3 month relationship. I was so scared that he would call Stat rape on me ( I had just turned 18, he was 16) that I went along with it. I didn't tell ANYONE about it... becuase I felt that, because I didn't force him off me.. and I didn't say no stronger, it was really my fault. He knew I didn't want to do it.. and I stayed with him because of his threats. I know how it feels... but, if anyone has sex wiht you.. whether you are drunk or not.... it's NOT your fault. When you are intoxicated you are NOT in control. And these gentlemen should have realized that. Girl, trust me... it is NOT your fault at all!!!!! These guys should have known better. Link to comment
Sexychiick16 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Share Posted January 22, 2005 i think it is starting to hit me...I hope everything is okay with you too..I think that you area great person and he shouldn't have gotten away with that. I took the day after pill..Its a birth control so i dont know if im pregnant still because i spotted but i didnt start my actual period...I have been having mood swings and im starting to cry but im replacing the sad feeling with anger and i have been yelling quite often now.... I don't really know how to cope and i thank you for ur pacience... and honestly.... I hope all is well...and Thanks again..take care Link to comment
69_king Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 Maybe you feel this way because it wasn't like they set out to rape you. You were so intoxicated that you lost control of your actions. Were they equally intoxicated? Because then they would have lost control of their actions. I'm not really trying to defend them but perhaps you don't blame them as much because the alcohol was in control. I don't know the details and I don't know what kind of people they are so I can't really judge the situation properly. Still, they should receive some kind of punishment for this whether they were drunk or not. But maybe you would feel a lot worse if you had been assaulted on the street or in a park by someone who had intentionally set out to attack you. You have to admit it was partially your fault for getting into the situation in the first place. So you will learn from this experience and hopefully you won't let it ruin your life. Link to comment
Goddess4ever Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 69_King, I was curious...if you walked down a dark alley, and 4 huge guys jumped out from behind a garbage bin, beat you up and then stole your wallet...would it be appropriate for me to say you were "asking" for you wallet to be stolen? That it is all your fault that you walked down the alley? That you deserved to have your wallet stolen? I do not believe so. There are 2 kinds of rape situations...one where the perp jumps out of the bushes and rapes someone (a stranger), and the other, which they call "date rape", this occurs at parties or at someone's house...ie you know them to some extent. The problem with date rape is there are so many people that blame the female. REGARDLESS of the situation, it is not her fault for putting herself there. It is the MEN'S fault for taking advantage of her whether she was sober or not. And just to be technical, NO ONE can give consent when they are intoxicated. You can't walk to the bank and sign a loan when you are drunk...you also cannot give consent when you are drunk. Place the blame where it lies, with the men. It doesn't matter what she was wearing, drinking or doing...the fact remains she was raped. Once this society learns that rape is about control and power, and not about SEX, the better off we will be. Link to comment
Sexychiick16 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Share Posted January 22, 2005 69_king Getting drunk has NEVER caused me to Black out and willingly let someone take control of me...I think i have some of myself to blame because of where i was and who i trusted , but besides that well... when it happeneds to u then we will talk..Until then Thanks for ur input Link to comment
69_king Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 69_King, I was curious...if you walked down a dark alley, and 4 huge guys jumped out from behind a garbage bin, beat you up and then stole your wallet...would it be appropriate for me to say you were "asking" for you wallet to be stolen? That it is all your fault that you walked down the alley? That you deserved to have your wallet stolen? I do not believe so. YES!! It would be very appropriate. It would be partially my fault for walking down the alley. I would know I was taking a risk. And if I decided not to go down the alley then it would not have happened. You have to understand the world we live in and the risks that are out there. Whether you like it or not you need to think about these things and be careful. Like if you walked into a Lion's den and it ate you are you going to say that is entirely the Lion's fault?? These guys were lions and she walked into their den. People have to be somewhat responsible for their own actions. This girl would not have been raped if she had not spent the night getting drunk with some guys. She took a risk. What they did was wrong and they should be punished but she put herself in a bad situation. Just like if she decided to walk alone through a city park in the middle of the night. She had the power to avoid it. That is what I am trying to say. I am not defending the guys, they are b@stards, I am just saying that a tiny bit of the fault is hers. And also, I must point out that not all rapes are the same. There are definitely many situations in which the victim is at absolutely no fault. The topic of this thread was "I was raped so why was it not affecting me?" I offered a possible answer to this question, I was trying to help. Maybe I can't tell from personal experience, sorry, I didn't realize that you wanted advice only from women who have been raped. My 16 year old niece died in a car accident last year because she was with a bunch of guys who were drinking. Was it entirely her fault that she died? Of course not. But it was at least a little bit her fault for getting into a car with drunk guys and nobody doubts that. She could have avoided the situation if she was more responsible but she didn't. Link to comment
69_king Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 69_king Getting drunk has NEVER caused me to Black out and willingly let someone take control of me...I think i have some of myself to blame because of where i was and who i trusted , but besides that well... when it happeneds to u then we will talk..Until then Thanks for ur input Sorry, I didn't realize the extent of it. You blacked out? If they drugged you or something then that is a different story. That would have been pre meditated and that is definitely more serious. In the eyes of the law too, I think. In that case it's hardly your fault at all. Link to comment
69_king Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 Ha! There is a bowling alley accross from my house but I'm kind of at war with the owner so going in there is a dangerous situation which I am going to avoid! I read over my other post and I think it sounds a little harsh. The point I was trying to get accross is that, though it is mostly the guys fault, the girl in a situation like this needs to admit to herself that she could have played the situation differently and possibly have avoided the outcome. And that this was a lesson and in the future she will be a little more careful. (of course though, as I said above, if she was drugged then there wasn't much she could have done) Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 PS - I really want to commend you on your strength for going to the police. Trust me, it's not the first time these guys have done this, and it certainly won't be their last if they don't get the message LOUD AND CLEAR. Don't feel bad for them if they get locked away. Do you want them doing this to other girls? Because they will... Link to comment
69_king Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 People should be able to go to parties and walk down the street at night without fear of someone harming them! Yes they should , but they can't !! We do not live in a Utopia, don't try to be an idealist, there are dangers out there and we need to be aware of them. If you want to be safe then you need to be careful. You need to accept the truth!! You can't just say that something should be this way or that and live your life asuuming that is how it is. You need to realize how things really are and live your life according to that! This is a big problem in today's society. People do not want to be responsible for their own actions! If someone goes running down the sidewalk in the middle of winter without looking where they are going and they slip on an icy patch and break their leg, what do they do? Do they accept the fact that it was their fault for not being careful in the wintery conditions? NO! They find someone to sue for not putting salt on the path!! Watch out for yourself and be careful, as much as you don't want to admit it, life is dangerous !! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 People should be able to go to parties and walk down the street at night without fear of someone harming them! Yes they should , but they can't !! We do not live in a Utopia, don't try to be an idealist, there are dangers out there and we need to be aware of them. If you want to be safe then you need to be careful. You need to accept the truth!! You can't just say that something should be this way or that and live your life asuuming that is how it is. You need to realize how things really are and live your life according to that! This is a big problem in today's society. People do not want to be responsible for their own actions! If someone goes running down the sidewalk in the middle of winter without looking where they are going and they slip on an icy patch and break their leg, what do they do? Do they accept the fact that it was their fault for not being careful in the wintery conditions? NO! They find someone to sue for not putting salt on the path!! Watch out for yourself and be careful, as much as you don't want to admit it, life is dangerous !! Funny you should say that - I broke my ankle last year after a fall on the ice, and no, I didn't sue anyone. But what you never ever ever do is blame the rape victim. If you read sexychiick's other post, it's very clear that she was drugged. Sex isn't consensual if a person is drugged. And furthermore, these are guys she thought were her best friends. Haven't you ever had drinks with friends. So, would that make it ok if you passed out and they did terrible stuff to you? I think that in the future, Sexychiick will be more careful who she calls her friends. I'm sorry that at 16 she had to go through this. To go through this at any age is terrible. Listen to me: The last thing any rape victim needs is to have even 1% of the blame put on her! Do not judge a person until you have walked through their shoes! Link to comment
69_king Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 But what you never ever ever do is blame the rape victim. Listen to me: The last thing any rape victim needs is to have even 1% of the blame put on her! Rape is such a difficult subject and I think as a man (and I'm not being sarcastic or anything here, this is what I truly feel) but as a man I'm not qualified to comment on it. It's just not possible for a man to understand what it really means. So I will cease to discuss this further because I don't think I can help any more. Link to comment
mgirl Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 No, they are not different scenarios. Drugging somebody and then raping them is pure evil also. Where do you think they got the drugs? Do you think they realised she was drunk and said, " quick, let's go out and get some drugs"? No, i don't think so. It's obvious they had them lined up which means to me that it was premeditated. Drugging somebody or taking advantage of somebody while they are drunk is equally as evil as pouncing on them in the street. It is just a slyer way of doing it. It is never a girls' fault for putting herself in the "situation". These people were her "friends" and should have behaved as such. Why is it somebodies fault if somebody is not trustworthy? Obviously it's bad character on the behalf of the assalients. End of story. Period. Link to comment
mgirl Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 You can get raped going to the supermarket. You can get raped taking your dog for a walk, and you can also get raped walking through a dark alley at night. But the point is, going to a party is a pretty regular thing and you wouldn't *usually* expect to be sexually assaulted at one. Anyway, it gives us all food for thought. Perhaps there should be awareness campaigns aimed at educating people on the dangers of parties and date rapes. Link to comment
mgirl Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 Dude, I have moved the conversation from the specific to the general! I was just saying that, in general, drugging people and raping them is just as low as pouncing on them in the street, although probably not as scarey. Anyways, this conversation is going nowhere. Link to comment
mgirl Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 Yeah, i agree with watching your own behaviour. It's just a shame "we" (we all i guess) have to learn our lessons the hard way. I have certainly learned mine ! Link to comment
nexus532 Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 You are a very strong girl. Yes you should forgive these guys. The universe has a funny way of getting people back. But you should never trust any of these guys again. They are not right in the head. Link to comment
Sexychiick16 Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 I will be talking to a detective and so is my brother...Tomorrow morning ... I was clearly taken advantage of without my awareness and i didnt have much stregnth... I dont even knwo what to say to all of u who commented on this but im just trying to get help...Im not trying to start a big ol fight over this... 69_King...See he thinks like any other guy...The first thing my dad told me was something close to ...Did u know ? Where u Drugged? Are You Physically Hurt? Im takeing you to the hospital? Cops..Sain Nurse and the whole detective thing is in this now.. Sooo Oviously this is something big accoridng to the law and accordin gto my father who has raised me NOT to surender my purity to anybody Until MARRIAGE...Thats what makes me have guilt The other thing that makes me feel guilty is that i allowed my self to drink and keep on drinking at YES A GOOOOOD Friends house...I NEVER thought it would have been pushed as far as it was pushed With this guy...He is the typical BmXer Dirkbike Riding "Cool" guy.. I seriously wasnt expecting waking up with my top totally off and my pants ripped along with worse on my draws..Ide reather not get into that tho...I hardly remember but i remember it gettin pushed in and them talking to me and I BLACKED OUT and ive never blacked out before.. It was more like a dream or something but not remembering Vomitting NOT remembering Saying YES to Anything like that... YESS agreeing to kiss that one guy who i thought was very cool at the time...he turned out beign the bad guy yesss...but i still am really scared with going through all of this.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 You sound like a very stong young lady to me. You're doing the right thing - I know it must be hard. You will be a stronger person as a result of all of this. Sorry, I didn't mean to participate in an argument. Just that what happened to you makes me very angry. I've never been raped, but I have been sexually assaulted. These things are just not cool. That's the thing about acquintance rape and date rape - every girl I know that has gone through it feels guilty because they were hanging out with the guy and drinking. But, just because people are hanging out and drinking doesn't give anyone the right to rape. Rape isn't about sex - it's about power. For what it's worth, I think you're still pure - you didn't willingly give up your virginity. Please talk to a therapist to work out your guilt issues. Like I said before, I think that part of the reason that it wasn't affecting you initially is that after a traumatic event, the brain tries to block things out - a form of self-preservation. But, you need to get these feelings out of you. There are also a lot of books and articles out there on surviving rape. Please read them. I think you are so brave for going to the police. Regardless of whetjher or not you forgive them, these guys need to be punished. Take care - you are in my thoughts. Link to comment
Sexychiick16 Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Thanks Annie i really appriciate the thought...I just dont want a pitty trip from people...Im In enough self pitty right now for being so Naive ...i think Naive may sum it up for me... I Wish you the best luck and pray that this NEVER happeneds to ANYONE...NOBODY deserves it.. I may Pm You sometime to let u know what happeneds as far as detectives go and all... I hope u take care of urself and Have Self Pride..Im lacking that right now unfortunetly..Even after church and my father accepting the Lord as his personal savior ....I am still dwelling and Its like Im blocking it out right now but tomorrow I have to spill EVERYTHING to Strangers... And then Counceling should be starting soon enough...On top of that Im switching schools because of this...I am avoiding that girl who left me there with them that night..And i saved my messages from her...From the friends and family i have told this story too They believe i was set up..So We'll see if there is any drugs that were in my system ...The police took my clothes and will be running test and taking samples of that..Kinda grossed me out , but i can see how that can help my case with Evidence and all... I wish u the best and i will talk to you later.. Link to comment
sisterlynch Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 This is a trying time for you and your family and I wish you the best...pm me too if you need any quick advice or to lay down any stories, I am already pretty desensitized by now, and I am also interested in police work and the law in general, anyhow, good luck stay smart, know that you are doing this for all of us, if you need strength!! Go forward!! Link to comment
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