Write him off after this blow off?

[leseine7]

And yeah, I invited him over for dinner but that was mostly because I figured, well we're in the making out phase of things so why not watch a TV show together rather than go out to another expensive restaurant since I know he doesn't make very much? We'd already gone there at that point so it doesn;t seem weird for 'romance' or making out without going all the way to sex and a sleepover to occur. But yeah, I guess that could have been forward of me haha.

[wilyone 11]

Oh yeah, I know - I wasn't meaning in this situation. I don't really need to know his reasons, it doesn't matter at all, haha.

 

I was mostly curious if this is a frequent guy thing out there, in general. Won't change my approach but curious about the dating culture of now!

 

Yes, this is a pretty frequent guy thing in my experience (everyone's experience is different obviously).

 

They come on pretty strong in the attraction stage, sweep you off your feet, notice that you are starting to fall for them and they freak out a bit and back off to safe ground. The book Mars and Venus on a Date talks about how the stage of uncertainty always follows attraction.

 

Offering to cook for a guy early on will sometimes make him think you are way more serious than he is. It smacks of auditioning for a wife role. Not saying that it should. But I've seen guys back off quite a bit after I offered to cook them dinner.

 

Also, talking about past relationships and "bonding" early on sounds great to a woman but it's often too much for men, again in my experience.

 

My guess is that he was going back and forth in his mind about whether to get together until the last minute. Part of him wanted to, part was hesitant. Waffling.

 

Definitely give him tons of space. He may very well come around in a week or two.

[catfeeder]

And yeah, I invited him over for dinner [...], I guess that could have been forward of me haha.

 

...and also lovely. So he was not writing you off for zero potential for sex. I'd chalk it up to a head cold bringing out the lazy in him, and that came out sideways on you.

 

Just out of curiosity, and maybe this should be a diff thread, but assuming this WAS because he wanted to sleep with me and I wasn't ready... is that really such a big thing in dating these days?

 

It's a no bigger a 'thing' these days than in any day and age. If it's a screening device for a guy, it's also a screening device for you. Either two people share the same agenda, or they don't.

 

Your private timeline for sex is irrelevant when you're not trying to 'market' yourself to the masses. Simpatico with the right guy who wants to get to know you will be rare, but that's what makes him 'right' for you.

 

Most people are NOT our match, and while that's easy to understand in terms of math, it can be difficult to stay clear on this when someone stands out as soooo ~close~. That's time to dig deep into your gut for clarity about allowing wrong matches to pass early.

 

Simple and easy are not the same things. The simplicity of keeping a long range focus is ~not~ easy. We're not robots.

 

Head high.

[leseine7]

Wow, offering to cook for someone sounds like auditioning for a wife role? I cook for all my friends because I cook all the time in life, haha. It was offered to him casually like "You mentioned you wanted to see the first episode of something with me, so maybe just come over sometime on Thursday - I was going to make dinner/ you could check out the show." Then we set that in stone as the plan. He had asked me about my cooking on day 1. Also, boys and girls both cook nowadays. That's lame if ANYone looks at that as 'wife audition.' LOLZ. (rolls eyes).

 

Also, the 'bonding' I mentioned was on both sides. HE brought up his ex first. The details I gave him about mine he asked for.

 

And whatever, if I'm talking to someone every single day and those kinds of questions come up, I'm not going to pretend I don't have a past and act ashamed of it. Nothing we talked about was oversharing - he shared just as much as I did.

 

Anyway, I didn't ask WHY he has blown me off in this thread at all - I actually don't want to date someone who would blow me off for any reason, my main questions were about if it was an overreaction if I write him off for it. Any guy who would be weirded out by my cooking him dinner or not sleeping with him on a third date is pretty immature and ridiculous, and blowing someone off is rude and inexcusable, case closed.

[leseine7]

Thanks for this. I didn't mean for this thread to become an analysis of what I did to scare the guy off but it seems to have veered in that direction and I needed to read this!!

 

Anyway, yeah the 'third date rule' is an interesting one, but I'm also kinda grateful for it because it will probably effectively weed out jerks before I get too involved with them.

 

Head very high, yes! Thank you!!

[EmmaB78]

Les, something sort of similar happened to me recently. I think if someone shows these small instances of rudeness early on, then it's better to just write them off. Sure, could be x, could by y, could be a million things. But, I just think of how I would act in the same situation, and I'd never leave someone hanging like that, so if they can't do the same for me, we are not compatible.