Irrationally feeling disrespected and unloved

[agvl222]

Hi everyone,

 

I'd be really grateful for your tips/viewpoints on this. So I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we've been living together for the past 7 months. I find that I sometimes get really hurt by him not caring about me or not respecting me, only to realise when we're talking about it later that I'm being really irrational.

 

Case in point: we went rock climbing yesterday, and went to get changed. I waited for him outside the change rooms, not realising he'd already walked out. After a while of waiting, I went back in and called out near the men's change rooms but heard nothing. I came back and looked around. Finally, I saw him at the end of the corridor in the climbing hall, sitting there putting his shoes on. He was watching me, and when I got there he laughed. I got really angry and upset, because I thought he'd been watching me the whole time and hadn't come over to tell me he'd already left the changing rooms. He then told me to chill, and went over to start climbing. I just felt so alone and belittled, and that he wasn't looking out for me the way I was for him. I had to leave and pull myself together for a few minutes. When we talked about it later, he said that he saw me there, and then saw me go into the change rooms, but he only saw me for the last part, so he didn't realise I'd been waiting a while. He also said that when I came over, he was laughing at the situation, not at me.

 

All of this is totally plausible, and he's quite honest. I just don't know why I jumped to my conclusions and felt the way I did about it. It's so stupid isn't it? Anyway, if you're still reading through this ridiculous story, thank you. This just keeps happening - where something silly happens and I completely overreact. I'm just hurting both of us, and I don't really understand what's at the bottom of it. I've never acted like this with previous boyfriends.

 

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated!

 

Thanks again,

agvl222

[mhowe]

He is neither disrespectful nor unloving....the source of those feelings comes from...you. Your self esteem is low for some reason and you are projecting your own feelings about yourself on to him.

 

Therapy would be a good place to start...or reading on self confidence and building self esteem. Meanwhile...realize that your initial reactions are not reality and don't keep blaming him.

[pinkchick]

Hi

 

No I don't think it is silly at all. Everybody has different needs/feelings.

Seems strange why he let you carry on but he probably just thought it was funny and was waiting to see what you did next.

 

i am very much like you my boyfriend can do something so small and I overreact. He calls me needy and we end up fighting. I am having major problems at the moment with my boyfriend and I miss him.

Are you sensitive?

 

I've pushed my boyfriend away so many times by getting upset. Then I also feel like they should notice what upsets us and try not to do it in the first place.

 

I really would not worry though he probably just thought it was funny and wasn't trying to upset you x

[missmarple]

The fact that you weren't like this with previous boyfriends make me wonder if it's something this particular boyfriend does that triggers that reaction from you.

Usually, there's a reason someone feels disrespected and unloved. The incident you've described does, indeed, seem minor but if many such incidents keep happening, it could be because of him.

[indea08]

You sound kind of like me. I get frustrated when my guy stays out until 1, 2, 3 o'clock in the morning. He doesn't do it that often (anymore) so each time individually it shouldn't be a big deal. However, he came home at 5am via a friend who was drunk (not safe!!), and was completely trashed, woke me up to take care of him for three hours while he was sick/dizzy. The next time he was out, our car (a pretty expensive one) got hit in the parking lot. Not really his fault, but when you're out late at bars where people are leaving drunk, stuff like this is more prone to happening. That was a $500 fix. The next time, he lost his vape. That was a $120 fix. The next time, he drove home at 3 am and it was icy out, he slid and hit a curb. That was a $400 fix. Each of these times I was annoyed but let it go because it wasn't intentional, he was sorry, and I was happy he was okay/safe. However, now when he wants to go out, I'm like "come home at 3 am again and im gonna be pissed." He's 21 so he should be able to go out, but nothing good ever happens that late so I'm pretty much over it. Therefore I get "irrationally" upset, like you.

 

My point is....are there other situations contributing (like my examples) that are making your small situations with your boyfriend become straws that break your back?

 

If there are, I don't think you're being irrational. I think you're holding in the feelings that should be let out, which is causing you to blow up at little things.

[gone]

Or, your boyfriend is a sociopath who delights in your confusion while he gas-lights you and mocks you all in one sweep. I would listen VERY VERY closely to your intuition. It is your friend. If no one else makes you feel like this, the answer is outside of your behavior.

[catfeeder]

I don't think you're silly, I think you're smart for recognizing this, and you're brave enough to ask about it and to want to learn how to resolve it.

 

I say brave, because typically, the very stuff that causes a person to feel ashamed becomes a taboo they won't speak of--with ANYone.

 

So consider yourself already ahead of the game, and then apply this same theory in finer strokes to the strong feelings that embarrassment evokes in you.

 

Embarrassment prompts some people to giggle or laugh at themselves, it causes others to reflect instantly on potential harm and to apologize if appropriate, it causes others to fold up and sulk, it causes others to shut down and pretend it never happened, and it causes others to rage defensively.

 

All but the first two are responses to shame, while the first two are healthy ideals rarely attained by any of us. So you're in great company.

 

Author Brene Brown is a psychologist who has specialized her studies in shame. Her early books and TED talks address the subject in depth, and her observations are funny and interesting because she doesn't limit her research to subjects, but rather she applies her learning to herself--and that's a great model for the rest of us.

 

If you're still in school, your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus, and since you've paid for it anyway, why not avail yourself of it? Otherwise, if you have access to hiring a counselor or therapist, it sounds like you're primed and ready for tackling this area of work. Awareness has spared you a ton of money in assessment time--you can go straight to the issue and work backwards from there.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll write more about your discoveries. This is a common enough issue for your learning to be helpful to many.