would love to understand

[ftkdancer]

First, let me say, sorry for the long post, and im not sure why im typing this, maybe just so i can feel better.

What drew me to him, ( i will call him J), was he was kind, attentive, and extremely passionate. Was a single dad, raising a teenage daughter. It seemed that he had his sh**t together.I enjoy a few drinks, every now and then, but what i didnt realize, or maybe i just wasnt paying attention, was that when he drinks, he drinks until all alcohol is gone. And this has been going on since the beginning. I would go to his house, to stay over, and i would have to leave, to go and let my dogs out, and would only be gone for 15 minutes. But still he would text and say dont bother coming back, because he knew i was with someone else.

And the name calling, was rediculous. So what did i do, i changed, and believed he was right, that i was taking too long, and that it was me that had the problem. One thing, was before we met, i was hooking up with a guy, every few weeks, and i told J about him. I texted this, guy, in front of J and told him i was done, and please dont text. J asked that i show him if there was a reply. I agreed. Weeks later, the guy texts to ask what im doing tomorrow, i just deleted it. Could have cared less. But J read my messages, to my friend, ( i had told her about the guys text), and from that day forward, i have been a liar and a cheater, when he drinks.

Many more things have happened, since then. Living together, telling him to leave, screaming, physical, and emotional ( i am guilty of this, also) abuse, trying really hard to get along with his daughter, wanting to understand his very different way of parenting, and his drinking. I am not a fighter, or yeller, however, we have a screaming match at least every 2 days. J doesnt understand that sometimes, drunk or not, he says things that hurt. And no matter how hard i try to explain this to him, not whining, not blaming, only asking that he understand my feelings, even if he didnt mean it, it still turns into him telling me that i have issues, and that i cant just leave things alone, i have to push them until they " go all over the place", and the fight and drinking start.

I have learned to walk away, and sit upstairs, because he choses not to understand, only to blame. I also would like to say that his daughter is not a " normal" teenager. She is extremely introverted, does not ever get angry, keeps feelings to herself, will tell you what she thinks you need to hear, and does as she pleases. She is now 16, does not have a job, ( she cant understand why her dad wont get her a job), sits in her room, has maybe 2 friends, washes 2 loads of laundry every day ( who is that dirty?) Has no problem eating supper, in her room, i may add, and contributes in no way to household chores.

She drinks, smokes pot, steals cigarettes, lies about where she has been. Falls asleep at boyfriends house, in his bed. And J says nothing to her about any of this. He just lets her float along, and make her own decisions, which is not good, as she is extremely naive. I have tried to be involved with the decision making, when it comes to her, his wishes, but it never goes any where. So i have been just amicable with her. At this point, i could care less what happens to her.

So there are many issues here. I know that some of the things that have happened are my fault. J losing his job, because i wouldnt let him drive my car, because the night before he was so drunk, and rude to me, he says i am a control freak, it hurts so bad, that i want to make him hurt, also. This happens quite often, i take things to such extremes, because i am so exasperated.

Well yesterday was the end. He had been drinking for 2 days, even tho i have asked him to not bring alcohol into the house, and he texted me, from the basement, informing me that his daughter does not want to be here ( she has a mom that is kinda in her life). So im assuming, they are both going. He has gone and stayed there before. Her mom comes, and they both go out. And my frustration gets the best of me, so i yell " your a little b**ch, meaning the daughter, ( this is the first time my anger has been directed towards her) and you can go and f**k her any time" meaning J and the mom Yes, i know, should have kept my mouth shut.

So we are finished because the kid doesnt want to be here, which works for me, and she always wins. He has been nothing but rude to me, since then. Yes i bashed his daughter, bad choice. All his stuff is still here.

In a nutshell, he has made me someone, im not. And that is my fault, for letting him.

I guess what i would like to understand, is why was i always the one that apologized, and tried to make things right? I tried so hatd to show him i loved him, and cared about everything in his life, but he always found something that i did or said wrong.

I miss him terribly, ( not the kid), and most likely will for a long time.

Thank you for reading this, and listening to me.

[mhowe]

Because he is an alcoholic. It is that simple...and that complicated.

 

Even though the relationship is over, I would encourage you to attend an Al-anon meeting or do extensive reading about how/what a relationship with an alcoholic does to a partner so that you do not choose this again. Knowledge is power.

[reinventmyself]

""I guess what i would like to understand, is why was i always the one that apologized, and tried to make things right? I tried so hatd to show him i loved him, and cared about everything in his life, but he always found something that i did or said wrong.

I miss him terribly, ( not the kid), and most likely will for a long time.""

 

Because your own self esteem is so low you don't believe you deserve anything better than an abusive alchohic. So much so you are willing to take the blame for his outbursts, his lack of employment and his horrendous parenting skills.

You can't love someone into being sober.

HE has a drinking problem.

And the perfect partner for alcoholic is someone codependent. Read up on codependency and consider therapy or AL anon.

 

His daughter is the product of her environment. Her unhealthy behaviors are nothing more than coping mechanisms.

(yet you`love' him and won't miss her)

She is a victim of all of this just like you BUT she is a child and doesn't have a choice. You do.

 

Consider this breakup as a gift. . There are some very valuable lessons here and I hope you take the opportunity to learn some.

 

If not you are likely to sign up for a similar scenario with someone similar.

[ftkdancer]

I have been reading about alcoholics, and wow, he definitely is one. And yes, i do realize she is a child. Her and i have talked, in length, when things were good, and she understands how she is, and why. I tried so hard to get her going in the right direction. Maybe too hard. Perhaps that is why i dont like her. Because she understands.and doesnt want to take the steps to change the way she is, even tho, she says she wants to. She wanted to go to alanon, but quickly changed her mind. I have gotten her counsellors, to talk to. Its all so frustrating.

[reinventmyself]

''Because she understands.and doesnt want to take the steps to change the way she is, even tho, she says she wants to. She ''

 

That must be like looking in the mirror. Surely you might consider having some compassion for this girl seeing you are one in the same?

 

I don't mean to be harsh. But you and this young girl are in the same boat. . . Just something to think about.

[ftkdancer]

Yes, you are very correct. And i know that calling her that name, was so wrong of me. I do feel extremely bad. We sure are in the same boat. She can take the steps to become an outstanding person. But i do understand, she feels safe where she is, and how she thinks. It is definitely a coping mechanism. I feel terrible that she will never amout to anything , ( there is proof of that, as there is a 25 year old son, this has happened to). Maybe im wrong. Perhaps one day she will get up and make a stand. I have begun turning myself around, because i have the means to do that. Hoping one day, she will understand that she also has those means.

[ftkdancer]

And she has been living with it for years. She even told me that thats the way she thought it was supposed to be, until she met me. I dont have to live like that. And i refuse to.

[reinventmyself]

And she has been living with it for years. She even told me that thats the way she thought it was supposed to be, until she met me. I dont have to live like that. And i refuse to.

 

She is also a child. . She has a much harder road than others. .She doesn't have a support system nor maturity to guide her.

[puggles]

I lived with and had two children with a man who turned out to be an alcoholic I understand how manipulative they can be. Addiction strips the people around the alcoholic of every ounce of self esteem. The alcoholic them self has drunk away theirs and guilt and anger at their addiction makes them worse, they can turn any situation on hits head and lay the blame at someone else's feet very successfully.

 

His daughter is a product of her environment.

 

On the rare sober moments it is easy to feel you can save them, you can see their hurt and it's nice to feel needed.

 

I would take this split as a gift too, he will without doubt try and reel you back in at some point and you need to be strong and resist.

 

I spent years trying to understand my ex, asking myself what I could have done differently, the answer turned out to be nothing. He is your addiction right now and you need to break free.

 

YOU can not win against addiction, only he can do that, it's not your fight.

 

I walked away from my ex for my own and my children's sanity and he vowed he would change, promised them and filled them with hope.

 

And a year later we were lowering his coffin into the ground.

 

Walk away and don't look back and the suggestions of going to Al-anon come recommended by me too.

 

Good luck and stay strong.

[ftkdancer]

reinventmyself...Yes, she is a child. And does not have the means or the knowledge to know what would be best for her. But is it right to take her away from her comfort zone, and tell her we are right? That i dont know. Only time will tell.

Puggles.......that is a very sad story, i am sorry for the loss of your childrens father. That is one thing that i can only hope and pray that does not happen to these kids. I am looking at this as a gift, for me. I know what i should do, and am in the process of doing. I am doing my best to stay strong. I have gone to an alanon meeting, it really was good for the soul.

Thank you

[reinventmyself]

........................................................................

[ftkdancer]

Yes this is her normal. Looking at it from the outside, is it right to instill what we believe is " normal", and take her away from it? That question has been in my head, and i dont know the answer. Im guessing thats why i just gave up

[reinventmyself]

Yes this is her normal. Looking at it from the outside, is it right to instill what we believe is " normal", and take her away from it? That question has been in my head, and i dont know the answer. Im guessing thats why i just gave up

 

If it's all she knows she may find that things can be different, but nothing happens overnight. Probably after some time and she may see it differently.

She's not your family. . don't know what you have in mind.

[ftkdancer]

She may is right. I honeztly dont have anything in mind. Was pretty much just wondering what will happen to her, if someone, not me, doesnt do anything. Just an update on my situation. J is now texting me, drunk. Trying to blame me for being abusive and controlling, and cheating. I am so very angry...

[puggles]

Don't give him any response, being drunk he won't need one anyway, he'll be having a dialogue in his head so any response from you is wasted energy. I got to the point where I would rather my ex be totally out of it than drunk enough to try and communicate.

 

You need to look after yourself and carry on with Al-anon meetings. Letting go is the hardest thing to do and taking responsibility for how we unknowingly enable the addict.

 

He can drink himself into oblivion and find those few moments of false peace where as you will suffer every moment if you allow yourself to.

 

Take care xxx

[ftkdancer]

Thank you puggles, for your advice. I will not reply to him. I know what you mean about being totally out of it. It is so very true. This is all so new to me. I have never been involved with an alcoholic. Nor have I ever had my self esteem ripped from me. I do love the man, but not enough to ruin my life, any longer. I am going to work on keeping myself happy. Im sure there will be times, i will still cry, and wonder what if........

[reinventmyself]

Thank you puggles, for your advice. I will not reply to him. I know what you mean about being totally out of it. It is so very true. This is all so new to me. I have never been involved with an alcoholic. Nor have I ever had my self esteem ripped from me. I do love the man, but not enough to ruin my life, any longer. I am going to work on keeping myself happy. Im sure there will be times, i will still cry, and wonder what if........

 

Best of luck to you!

[ftkdancer]

So, i screwed uo and let him back in. Thought i could save him. He has been in jail, since the last post. Because of his drinking ( he leaves for days at a time) And tonight, he broke in my back door, after being gone for 3 days. The police were called. I havent heard if they found him or not.

Am i stupid, to keep falling for his promises? After all he has done to me, and his daughter, i miss him! Why is that?

I dont have low self esteem, at all. And i am a very strong person. So why do i let him get under my skin? Why cant he realize how much he is loved by us, and get help for his alcoholism?

Sorry, for venting, im not sure how to feel about this. After all he has done, i still feel bad that he is out there, cold, with no where to go. And i know i shouldnt. Please help!

Thank you

[mhowe]

You really need to attend some Alanon meetings. He will never choose anything but his addiction. And you need to learn how to turn a deaf ear.