I'm such a pushover and need advice

[HonestAbe]

Dear forum readers,

 

I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I have been in a relationship with my wife for 9 years and have been married for 6. During this time, I have had one kid with her, my daughter who just turned 3. My wife is currently 3 months pregnant with our second child. I work roughly 40 hours a week as a self employed business owner and she works full time as a first grade teacher at a private school. I am hoping that this gives you just enough information to make judgement calls about how I am feeling.

 

The night we got married, she let her true colors show. When she doesn't get her way, she turns into a first class B and throws temper-tantrums. I can't take it, and she knows I can't take it so I clam up. She hasn't done it very often since then. But here's the thing... Every single major life decision such as buying a car, buying a house or trailer, circumcising our "imaginary" son - (since we don't know the sex yet), religion other major financial decisions, she tries to make them herself, without my input. Whatever she wants, she gets - and when we can't get something, she blames it on me. Always.

 

I am non-religious human secularist. She is an Assembly of God - which is like a mix of Presbyterian and Baptist. She wants to keep me from teaching my kids about my point of view on religion. She wants to censor me and keep me from telling my side of it. She doesn't want my children to know that there are other sides of the story or other points of view. I'm extremely upset about this. But, of course, I am a pushover.

 

We went to go buy a car at a car lot. She went to one single car lot because she said that her mom said that was the place to go to get a car. I told her we needed to look around, find out some prices and get some good deals and look at different websites to see if we could save some money. Before I knew it - she was buying a $22k Chevy Impala and I let her, because I'm a pushover..... and I don't like to listen to these tantrums.

 

So, since she has gotten pregnant again, she decides to "nest" and by nesting, she means buying a three bedroom house so that our kids can have their own rooms. I told her that I wasn't ready to buy a house and maybe we could find a three bedroom rent to own on the outskirts of the city so we aren't locked into a mortgage. No. So, she went and got a realtor, talking to a loan officer, giving them all of our financial information and because I have been self employed, the bank doesn't count my income. So, now she resents me and my job because I'm not able to qualify her to buy a house and so she wants me to change over my whole payroll system and way of doing things at the shop so that I have other proof of income - or get a different job that pays more... so that she can buy a house... and I probably will,... because I'm a pushover.

 

Circumcision is something that I highly disagree with. Period. I don't care about what your opinion is on the subject either. I feel like the man in the family gets to decide whether his son will be or not. But she is adamant that she wants it done and offered to pay for it herself and that it doesn't look good or girls will think he is weird or whatever flawed logic she is using. I do not wish this kind of mutilation on my son. period... but I probably will let her do it, because I'm a pushover.

 

I try to get her to save money. I try and I try. I give her money every single Friday and her portion is completely gone by that Saturday. She ran up $6,500 in credit card debt, partly because she was trying to make money with Mary Kay - which is an outright scam that I warned her about. She seems like she can't live within her means and she is dragging me down with her. She doesn't want to save money. I have since then taken 3k and paid off half of the debt. I am nearly paid off all my own personal debt, aside from student loans. She is a spender, not a saver - and at this point, we will never own anything of value or have a retirement saved because she loves material things...... and I let her do it,... because I'm a pushover.

 

I stand up to her - don't get me wrong. I put my foot down. I say this is it, this is over... I have broken up with her 7 times in the last 9 years - and somehow, I am still living with her, under the same roof. Every single time she says she is going to do better and do this and that... and it never happens. Sure, it gets better for a while - but like any roller coaster ride, it has it's ups and downs.

 

Now, when I look at my own life, I want to have a very few, very nice things and be proud of them. I don't want a 30 year mortgage for a huge house that I might not be able to afford in 20 years if the market for my job collapses. I want a small home - even a tiny house on wheels - with no mortgage and land that I personally own and manage. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck like we are now. I want to be able to take a vacation every now and then instead of having to work because I won't be able to pay a bill. I want to be completely debt free. I want to be able to potentially one day just live simply and deliberately. I know what I want out of life. I know what I like - and the path that I am on now is not the path that I want for myself. I have told her this - and I feel like she simply does not care. She uses the kids as a bargaining chip... As a way to say - "your going to do it my way, because I know best and if you want to be with me, then you will do what I say." kind of thing.

 

If I break up with her, I feel like I will be abandoning my kids and shirking my responsibilities as a parent. I feel like if I break up with her, I wouldn't be any more happy then I am now - and that maybe if I just stay in it long enough, things will only get better. I feel like if I leave, I might be as equally unhappy as I am now, but I won't have a shoulder to cry on (so to speak) about being depressed because I did move on with my life.

 

OK, that's enough rambling. Tell me your thoughts. I need help and advice. Please...

[Andrina]

I would highly recommend marital counseling. It will be great for the both of you to hear an impartial third party's professional thoughts, and the counselor will give you both skills to improve your marriage. Clearly, what you've both been doing has not worked. Time to try a new approach. The counselor will give you homework on things you both need to work on. In the meantime, there are books you can get from the library, such as Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus, which also give you insight and skills to improve your marriage. If she refuses to go, go yourself to show her how serious this matter is, and that you're not willing to live like this anymore. Take care.

[Deciduous]

Hi Honest,

 

The question is why? Why are you a pushover, as you call it? What is it you fear from happening? It's like you've been given the message that if you don't "play nice" all the time and acquiescence, that you are some-how UN-lovable, totally unacceptable and beyond the pale.

 

And this isn't originating from her. It's coming from you. She simply mirrors it back to you. You are making choices every day, that demonstrate it's more important to be liked, than to be happy. She bullies, you cajoule, then acquiese and the cycle continues. A cycle that is killing your marriage. Respect is a key part of a relationship, and with-out it relationships surely wither and die.

 

Her behaviour hasn't changed, because you behaviour hasn't changed.

 

Or maybe there is another unhelpful message in there that needs to be exposed, at a conscious level, so you can first understand and come to terms with it, then re-encode with a message that is more conducive to a successful and healthy relationship.

 

Whether that be with her or another, remains to be seen.

 

Until you understand the reasons behind your own pattern and what subconscious trigger drew you to this woman in the first place - you run the risk of leaving this relationship only to find yourself drawn to one with similar dynamics.

 

When we lay the blame 100% at the feet of others we miss a fantastic opportunity for growth and self knowledge - and self empowerment. By putting all responsibility for our unhappiness with others is terribly disempowering. It sends a message to ones own psyche that we are entirely helpless and powerless. I'm willing to buy that if you were interned at Guantanamo Bay...but you are not...not physically.

 

So what are the internal emotional chains?

 

I'm sorry, sweetie, but I'm not going to buy the "she was all sweetness and easy going light" until we got married. I hate to be tough on you (you have my every sympathy, she sounds like very hard work....BUT it's not a random set of circumstances that led you into marriage with this women.

 

Subconscious choices were made. So what are they?

 

Is it childhood pattern. Did your mother bully you, your Father? Why is this unhappy, wretched pattern so familiar, so comforting to you. What you do gain by being the victim without recourse and her the bully. Because there is always a pay-off at a subconscious level, or the relationship would have long ago destabilized.

 

Start peeling back the layers. You have picked this person for a reason. What is it?

 

Once you understand that, you then have a golden opportunity to break this pattern, (not only in romantic relationships, but all others) - and work out what your needs are and why, so far, you have been very reluctant to make them clearly heard.

 

I do wish you luck. You do have my sympathy

 

Decixxx

[Deciduous]

I would highly recommend marital counseling. It will be great for the both of you to hear an impartial third party's professional thoughts, and the counselor will give you both skills to improve your marriage. Clearly, what you've both been doing has not worked. Time to try a new approach. The counselor will give you homework on things you both need to work on. In the meantime, there are books you can get from the library, such as Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus, which also give you insight and skills to improve your marriage. If she refuses to go, go yourself to show her how serious this matter is, and that you're not willing to live like this anymore. Take care.

 

Whereas I would strongly, strongly suggest individual counseling at this stage, so Honest clearly understands his own psyche, motivation and patterns, and gains emotional clarity on hidden issues going on behind his own internal scene - thus making him a much stronger and assertive participant in marital counseling.