PaperSt1537 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 So I'm basically posting a rundown of a date I had last night to which I am completely and totally confused about. I can't tell if I crashed and burned or if I'm ovethinking and overreacting. I guess I'm just looking to get an objective perspective on the situation to maybe have an idea as to how to move forward. Any and all criticism is welcome. I started chatting online with a woman through one of the popular dating sites out there a couple of weeks ago. She was super friendly and very chatty, asked me a lot of questions about myself, replied quickly. Sometimes I have problems remembering to text people back and with this one I was on the fence about whether or not I saw us as a match. However, she invited me to a show last night and while I started out fairly confident in our meeting (I was dressed well, looking pretty good, all things considered), but when I met her in person all my defenses imediately dropped and I became very nervous and self conscious. Her charisma, her self assured manner, her physical beauty, she was quite stunning. Basically I went into this thing like a badass and turned into a pile of nerves once we met. Although our conversations were flowing decently, I wasn't getting the usual nonverbal cues of attraction from her and it made me even more awkward. A couple of times (yes, more than once) I made a half-joke about feeling like I was "bombing" the date. One of these times she said "I don't see us as soul mates per say, but I'm having a good time." It was after this that she got up to use the ladies room and it gave me time think about how I was acting like a complete wierdo, so when she came out I grabbed her hand and said "forget about all that stuff I said, let's go see the band" and we went into the show and immediately started dancing together, very intimately and eventually started making out on the dancefloor (to a few people's dismay, I know PDA of that nature isn't cool but at the point I didn't really care). We continued our make out session outside while we waited for a cab for her to go home, we talked a bit about going home together but that wasn't in the cards and I definitely wasn't pushing the issue. One last time, for some reason, I just couldn't resist mentioning it, I said "I'm sorry again for being weird before, I was pleasantly surprised after seeing you and I got super nervous." To which she replied, "the only thing that's weird is you keep saying you're being weird, I had a good time." She got in the cab, I asked her to text me when she got home, she did and I asked her for dinner on Sunday, to which she said she had plans but offered for another day. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Apologizing can be a turn off as it shows lack of confidence. She offered an alternative date which means she is open to seeing you again. Check your anxiety at the door and try and relax. Do an activity that keeps the date active and less focused on you. Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Sounds like a pretty good date to me! And if she follows through with the second date, it means you didn't blow it at all. One thing you NEED to stop doing is apologizing for everything - it's a major turnoff. Yes, we all know there will be nerves involved, when you meet a stranger for the first few times, I bet she had them too, but that's no reason to keep apologizing and making things sound more awkward than they were. So on your next date, leave the nerves at home and be yourself. Sounds like she had a good time and is willing to see you again. Link to comment
Antago Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I think apologizing can be cute; you never know what's really going on inside a person or where they're coming from—so a little nervousness is absolutely a sign that a person cares. I think if you enter into a cycle of being an apologetic drone, then it can be very annoying ... But alas, I don't think a person has to be perfectly confident or come from a long history of no-disappointments in order to be attractive. Some people are only attracted to confidence, and I find it fairly disgusting as life is far more complex and you wouldn't be looking for a partner if you "had it all". Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 If you "had it all", it would be the best time to look for a partner...in order to share it! A confident woman, as the OP described her...is not going to remain attracted to a guy who is passive and apologetic. A one time "ahh, I'm a bit nervous" is cool and acceptable. She has already told you that the only weird thing was your co tinued apologies. Link to comment
Antago Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 If you "had it all", it would be the best time to look for a partner...in order to share it! A confident woman, as the OP described her...is not going to remain attracted to a guy who is passive and apologetic. A one time "ahh, I'm a bit nervous" is cool and acceptable. She has already told you that the only weird thing was your co tinued apologies. Oh my gaawd ... There are so many things wrong with this mentality. Okay, no one "has it all". He felt nervous, and he can't change it; the girl walked up confident and then made out with him all over the dance floor. I doubt, despite her demeanor, she's as confident as she portrays. And quite frankly, no one in this world is perfectly confident. Society and life are difficult enough; they met online. His nerves got the best of him because he felt attracted. As a very intelligent, beautiful, and wise man—I can honestly tell you that I am repulsed by people who are unwaveringly "secure" with their selves, because all we have is a gift from the grace of God—and if you don't feel even a little flutter or passion for me, then you can hit the road and keep chugging away in your boring self-righteous existence. A little nervousness and apology can be a sign of appreciation is what I'm saying. But, again, I am looking for something deeper and someone who knows what they want—and believes in love. In the same way that you would be nervous for a job interview or your first day at work, there is nothing wrong with looking for a partner you're attracted to and hoping it works out. It takes work to get confident and the right person—the person you want to spend your life with—will be willing to boost your confidence and for the returned favor. A marriage should certainly be symbiotic. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 That's great^^^^ for you. But this isn't about you and your preferences! Lol. Link to comment
Antago Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 That's great^^^^ for you. But this isn't about you and your preferences! Lol. Advice is almost always a reflection of the one who gives; by showing him that he shouldn't worry and beat himself up, it can make him feel more secure. I think both of our perspectives are welcome Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I think you did fine and hope tomorrow's date goes well! Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Advice is almost always a reflection of the one who gives; by showing him that he shouldn't worry and beat himself up, it can make him feel more secure. I think both of our perspectives are welcome I would add that a female's perspective on this is very important. I think most women prefer that a guy NOT profusely apologize as the OP did. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I think apologizing can be cute; you never know what's really going on inside a person or where they're coming from—so a little nervousness is absolutely a sign that a person cares. I don't see anything wrong with someone being a tad nervous in the beginning of a date but apologising and making references to "bombing" the date throughout the night is displaying a lack of confidence and, speaking as a women, I wouldn't find that attractive. Neither does a woman want to be put in a position where she has to help build up her date's confidence by telling him everything is OK. OP, take her cue when she said "the only thing that's weird is you keep saying you're being weird, I had a good time." When you grabbed her hand and led her to the dance floor she spun the situation around and look what happened!! Unfortunately you then went and apologised. Nevertheless, the date seemed to go pretty well overall and the fact that she offered up an alternative day for your second date sounds promising. Go have fun, don't worry about being nervous but, for goodness sake, don't apologise anymore! Link to comment
cbh1979 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I agree with everyone else, stop apologizing. And I don't understand thinking it went poorly...you made out on the first date. Obviously it had to have gone pretty well in her eyes. Link to comment
Antago Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I would add that a female's perspective on this is very important. I think most women prefer that a guy NOT profusely apologize as the OP did. I don't think gender has anything to do with this—thank you. That is sexist. There are plenty of men and women who dislike insecurity, and plenty who are capable of appreciating a person and accepting them as-is. I think we've all offered enough opinions here that gender doesn't need to be called into play as if any of us has been appointed by God to speak on behalf of 50% of the population. Every case is individual, and in the grand scheme of things—he did perfectly fine. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I don't think gender has anything to do with this—thank you. That is sexist. There are plenty of men and women who dislike insecurity, and plenty who are capable of appreciating a person and accepting them as-is. I think we've all offered enough opinions here that gender doesn't need to be called into play as if any of us has been appointed by God to speak on behalf of 50% of the population. Every case is individual, and in the grand scheme of things—he did perfectly fine. This is within the context of a guy relating to a woman and wondering what a woman's perspective is when approached a certain way. Link to comment
Antago Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 This is within the context of a guy relating to a woman and wondering what a woman's perspective is when approached a certain way. First off—this scenario is 100% free of gender and sexual orientation limitations. Second off—he was asking for advice from people on an open forum, and did not specify anything anywhere in his OP that he wanted perspectives from heterosexual women as if they were the only valid form of emotional support in this instance. If all heterosexual women were the same, and uniquely so—your assumption would be correct. However, this isn't reality—and I'd appreciate it if you would drop the topic as it's encroaching on bigotry. Link to comment
Antago Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 And FYI, no one can speak for this woman except herself—so this idea that "only a woman can understand her" makes zero sense. As a homosexual male who has experienced a number of different kinds of relationships and gone into extensive, deep conversations with both men and women when it comes to sex, dating, and intimacy—I can absolutely assure anyone reading this thread that the ultimate form of justice in this instance is to not beat yourself up about the topic nor feel as if you "struck out". If this is how the girl feels, it is a reflection of her own insecurity about being with a man who cannot compensate for her ego; no human-being should feel regret for having been nervous and did their very best to vocalize and remedy the experience in an effort to connect with someone they're hoping to be in love with. Man, woman, heterosexual, transexual, bisexual, homosexual—you are human and full of complexities and deserving of respect. If someone doesn't like you the way you are and tries to subject you to superficial rules and details such as some people are in this post—DO NOT ACCEPT IT. There is a difference between understanding and accepting a perspective, and allowing other people to judge and define your reality for you. It took courage to go on this date, and even more courage to continue through it and apologize (explain your anxiety) when you felt you were getting lost in translation. Give it time and know that the RIGHT GIRL will love you for you—even if you are neurotic. God made you the way you are, and you should be allowed to grow in your own confidence and security at your own will and rate without being judged and dismissed for living life and being a part of this great, human journey. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I don't think gender has anything to do with this—thank you. That is sexist. Oh behave! Here we go ... more labels! What Rosti meant was that it is beneficial for the OP, as a man, to have the insight of a woman. It would work the other way around too. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 And FYI, no one can speak for this woman except herself—so this idea that "only a woman can understand her" makes zero sense. You haven't understood the point at all. All comments were based on the OP's situation and the OP's situation alone. It has nothing to do with being bisexual, transexual, heterosexual yada, yada, yada! Good grief! Link to comment
Antago Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Oh behave! Here we go ... more labels! What Rosti meant was that it is beneficial for the OP, as a man, to have the insight of a woman. It would work the other way around too. No; she replied to MY comment in order to say that a female's perspective is important; this is not my thread, so I don't see why I am being dragged into this loop about how a female's perspective is especially relevant here. And, again, I didn't add the label—she did. You think because I'm a man that now any and all discussion involving gender is suddenly my fault? SHE brought it up to me, and I responded that gender has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not ANY RANDOM HUMAN-BEING WOULD FIND AN APOLOGETIC PERSON A TURNOFF. Get off my back Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Wow! I've had lots of dates just like that....well without the making out...but otherwise very similar. It's easy to be confident while messaging or texting and even on the phone so she probably assumed you had an at least average level of confidence before meeting her. I agree with the others that one little mention about being nervous is no big deal maybe even a couple mentions of nerves are easily overlooked....but saying you're bombing or failing...yep that would be an instant turn off for me. However, after that she seemed to give you a second shot and I think you were on a roll until you apologized that last time. Bottom line is I'm not sure how many more apologies she can brush off, so you have to stop. The date was enjoyable for both of you so it was not a failure...no one bombed and you shouldn't bring it up again. If I were in this situation and decided to give the second date a chance....any little mention of nerves, failure or bombing and I would politely call it night after dinner and never see that guy again. Link to comment
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