Dumpers POV: Rebounds and How We Really Feel

[southernbell22]

I notice a lot on this website and all over the internet seem to wonder what goes on in the dumpers head when they decide to break it off with someone that they truly loved and I thought that maybe I could help shed light on the situation.

 

This is more of a POV of a dumper who has left someone that they still loved where there was no cheating or fighting or any other kind of really bad endings.

 

Around two years ago or so, I was going out with this boy and I was madly in love and head over heels about him, he was my first love and I adored him. The reason why I decided to leave him was because he was ignoring me and not making time for me at all for several months so I got fed up, decided I deserved better, and called it off. Now, I will add in the fact that I had begun speaking to another boy (who I wasn't really into at all) while we were still together because of the loneliness and hurt I'd felt from my ex ignoring me (no, I am not proud of this). Having this person there and to talk to is what really gave me the balls to dump him, so when people say that dumpers usually have someone on the side... it's kinda true, but that doesn't mean that they feel for them or anything.

 

So, after breaking up I was already on the rebound with this guy (it never went anywhere, of course) but I really did miss my ex and I was in so much pain thinking about the break up and I couldn't cope with it on my own so I went on the rebound. Yes. Dumpers can rebound. Although I must admit, I felt really relieved and happy that I broke up with him because it took a lot of strength and I was just so tired of the way the relationship was making me feel. During this time sometimes I would message my ex or find excuses to speak to them (not all dumpers will do this though, I did this because I was young and stupid and didn't really have pride. If I had been in the same situation now, I probably would not contact the dumpee even if I felt like it. It all depends on maturity I guess.) which I guess on here would be called "bread crumbs". The conversations were never meaningful though, and I never asked them back although I really wanted them.

 

So, the first rebound ended on poor terms (the guy stood me up, never heard from him again) but I didn't care about him so I went along. A few weeks after that rebound, I left the country to visit family and boom I am on the rebound again with a different guy, which lasted about two weeks because I had to go back home obviously. Even with him, I still thought about and cried over my ex. That rebound pretty much ended when I got back though and I was sad over it for a bit because he was actually a pretty nice guy and I knew he liked me a lot. If I had stayed I would have probably dated him, but that probably wouldn't have been good and I'll tell you why in a bit.

 

I can't lie though, rebounding was really fun. It did keep my mind off of my ex and made me feel attractive and like I really did have options outside of that relationship. It gave me the attention and intimacy that I craved and kept my spirits up. But of course, when I was on my own I was still hurting because I wasn't properly dealing with the pain of breaking up.

 

After I got home and the rebound ended I was pretty depressed, I guess I was starting my mourning process. Well, I couldn't have that, now could I? About a month or so after I got back home I found another rebound guy but this time there was no stopping it, he lived in my area. About a week after meeting him we were together. This new relationship seemed so amazing and perfect and wonderful to me, and we moved very quickly. I feel like it's true when they say that when the dumper rebounds, they project their feelings of their ex onto them. I mean, we said we loved each other within a week or so of just meeting.

 

After putting it on social media (FB at the time) that I was in a relationship with this new guy, the dumpee returns and tries to speak to me. I was super cold to him and I rejected him in every way possible and was really passive aggressive with him. I still loved him yes, but hey I had this new boy and he was here and he wasn't sooo. But the point is that I still really loved him.

 

Now, going back to what I said about how dating the rebound is not a good thing. First of all: You can really end up hurting the other person that you were rebounding with. Just because you didn't feel anything towards them that was real, doesn't mean that they didn't. The boy I rebounded with in my home country was really hurt that I was in a relationship with someone else as soon as I got back home. So, there's that issue. Secondly: You don't really make the best decisions for who you want to date when you're still hurt/in love with your ex. The new guy was a lot better in some way than my ex, he was there for emotional support, he understood me better, and he was more loving and affectionate. However me being in a rebound mindset I ignored a lot of other things that would normally put me off about a guy like drug use (aside from weed), alcohol use, being disrespectful towards parents, not being serious about their education and so on and so on. It really why rebounds fail in the end most of the time. But here the interesting thing: Dumpers don't know they're on the rebound or that the person they think they like is a rebound. (I would convince myself that I did like this person as much as I said I did and that I never loved my ex)

 

It wasn't until a year and a few months after I started dating that boy (when we broke up) that I realized he was a rebound (that I grew attached to over time, I probably did really love him though but I'm not entirely sure). Here's the thing, rebound relationships don't have a set end time, they can last for any amount of time really but of course generally they last under 5 months or so (which WAS true for the other two rebounds). And now he's (maybe) off with a rebound of his own (he was the dumper).

 

It should be important to note here that the last rebound really did get me to feel like I stopped feeling for my ex and really forget about him. But I was still emotionally affected within the relationship from my ex (I was anxious a lot), but I didn't think about it too much. But here's the catch. You can't escape the pain, it will come at you eventually. In my case it came back after two years.

 

When my most recent ex broke up with me, I first cried for my ex. So not only did I have to deal with my most recent break up but I had to deal with my two year old one as well. I felt a burning desire to contact him, to talk to him, to tell him how I really felt about him, to try maybe again. I thought of all the good times and all of the bad moments faded and I realized that I still loved him.

 

This time, thankfully I have learned and I have not rebounded at all and I plan for it to stay that way. I am pretty much healed at this point and am able to better reflect on it all. I still sometimes want to speak to him, but I'm not really sure if I'll act on it at all or if I want to be together. Mostly because of pride, partially because I don't know if it could ever work again.

 

So, that's that. This is my personal experience as the dumper and I hope this helped shed light where it was needed for some of you. Of course, every break up and person is different though.

 

If you have any questions I'm glad to answer!

 

Best of luck!

[Denguin]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I'd like to hear your opinion on the following as this may pertain to my situation some day:

 

I noticed you were a little hot and cold towards your ex. Going through what you've gone through, would you say you sporadic (i.e. every 1-2 months) contact from the dumpee is good or bad idea? Assume that a significant time has past since the break up, and it was fairly amicable (but was not mutual in any regard; just no big fight/cheating/etc.). Also assume the dumpee is in no way looking for reconciliation, and is contacting you out of a genuine care to a) find out how you're doing, and b) update you on how he/she was doing.

[Heavy]

^^^^Same for me I'm very interested in reading this response as this is what my ex has done to me^^^^

[southernbell22]

Honestly, I'd say to just not contact them. Although I felt that I still loved him the reason I was so cold towards him was because I still had some bitter and angry feelings towards him because of his actions when we were together. I feel like if he had kept contacting me (especially when I was in a relationship) it would have just annoyed me and push me further away. The way the dumper sees it, when the dumpee contacts you it is more like a "ugh, they just wanna get back with me" kinda feeling regardless of what they say their intentions are.

 

Also I think it's the fact that he did not keep coming back and trying to talk to me that probably made me still have positive feelings for them at the very end.

Really if the dumpee has no feelings for the dumper, then there is no reason for them to be wondering how they're doing or what they're doing or asking them about such things. Although you may feel like you're ready to be friends again or go into casual contact I say step away from them, do not contact them.

 

When you say "that may pertain to my situation some day" I am inferring that you're still not at the point where you can speak to them and expect nothing (correct me if I'm wrong). If this is the case, you will see that over time, you won't feel the need to find out how they are. You'll realize that when you're truly and completely over them, you just won't care they're just another soul on the planet.

 

Let them come to you first, but also keep in mind that they may never contact you again (even if they feel like they want to) and don't hold your breath.

[Denguin]

Very interesting input. I think a lot of people view their exes very differently on the forum, and this is one example. To me, if I've genuinely cared about someone for a long period of time, I'll never stop caring about them. They'll never be just "another soul on the planet" to me; they're real people who I share great memories with. In fact, I'm very good friends with one of my exes to this day. While we don't necessarily keep in touch regularly, we do talk to each other on and off for weeks at a time throughout the year. We act as each other's shoulder to cry on sometimes, and even go as far as giving each other relationship advice. We know things about each other that a lot of people don't, and I see no reason to turn my back upon someone I share that with. It's really quite special to hold such a strong relationship with someone, and if you ask me, we could all use more relationships like that. Perhaps a catalyst to this was the break up was more of a mutual decision, and the fact we harbor zero feelings towards one another any longer.

 

When I say that, yes, you are correct. I was recently dumped by a more recent ex, and am at a point where I've debated "checking in" with her. Time has made me see that while it was truly an amazing few years together, the relationship was by no means perfect. I'm truly happy I spent the last three years with this girl, but at the same time, I have enough objectivity now to realize that the break up was for the best. Don't get me wrong, I miss the relationship a lot, but no part of me wants to go about re-opening that door at this stage. In fact, circumstances have it that it wouldn't be possible anyway (we live very far apart now... on the order of thousands of kilometres). I truly want nothing for the best for this girl, and I genuinely care to hear that she's doing well/achieving every thing she's wanted with regards to education/career. I know she would appreciate the same from me.

 

I don't believe I'm completely over it yet, and that is why I said, "some day". That said, I'm at a stage where if I were to look at an old picture of us together, all I do is smile about it. I can picture her with other guys and feel relatively indifferent to the thought of it.

 

One concern I have is indeed that I'd give off a mentality of trying to "get back with them". While I did some begging/pleading when I realized things were going downhill, I never ever contested her decision to end things when the time came. I told her I understood her decision, and I supported it if she thought it was for the best (deep down I knew it was too, but it was just hard to let go). In reality, all I'm really looking for is minimal contact. Perhaps a single phone/Skype call every 1-3 months just to update each other on our lives. We've both undergone or are set to undergo massive changes to our lives in the next while, so I think it'd be nice for both parties to know how the other is doing. I don't believe that's a lot to ask for, and given the way the break up went, I think it's reasonable.

 

 

Edit: Oh, and I should mention... The reason this is in a thread about "rebounds" is because I have a feeling she's probably in a rebound right now. She was honest with me at the time of breaking and said the distance was tough (led to her losing interest in me) + she began to be interested in someone else. While I do not particularly care about how this rebound ends up anymore (if it's even happening), I just was wanting insight on how the dynamics of someone in a rebound might work so I can make an informed decision about how to act.

[southernbell22]

Well, I can definitely relate with you on the distance thing because my ex (not the most recent one) was a long distance relationship right from the start. He lived overseas so there was pretty much no way to see each other in person and what not, so you may also want to take the into consideration with my story.

 

It's not that my exes are dead to me or anything, I just don't worry about them and let them be because I think that it's true when they say that if you really loved someone, you can't really be friends. You know the saying Where there was fire, ashes remain . Also, I feel like it'd just undo all the efforts I've made to get over them and the relationship. Even with my most recent ex, I feel like if I spoke to him again it would just send me back to the pain I felt three months ago, when he ended it. But I suppose that kind of thing means that it was real. Perhaps that's why you and your other ex got on so well since the both of you ended it mutually and there were no feelings left over.

 

Looking at this from both a dumper and a dumpee's perspective, I'd say that if you think that she's on the rebound, definitely do not contact her at all during this time. It's not a good look for the dumpee and the dumper may feel annoyed. Also, I don't think it'd end well and you also may have this expectation in mind for it to be like you and the other ex that you're friends with now and that may lead to some serious disappointment and prolong your healing time.

 

I must stress here that it is the distance, the no contact, and the time which probably contributed most to me still feeling for my other ex. I knew nothing about him anymore and that made him seem more interesting. I am feeling the same as you, though. I do wish to speak to my ex and see where we're at and what's happened since we stopped talking and all but the difference here is that I am the one who called it quits, so I have a little more power over the situation.

 

What is it that you hope to gain from contacting her? (you need to really ask yourself this question)

[SooSad33]

I have had an ex (or2) come back my way.. wanting to meet up for coffee etc, again.

last one contacted me twice within a months time, around NY's Eve thru End of January. he's the one who 'wandered

and I think he was trying to keep me as a 'fallback' because for some reason, I guess things weren't going to sgreat with him & her.

But.. I said very little to him and he knew how I felt for him.. & that i was hurt, etc.

 

So.. I never did give n fully to him. Letting him deal with HIS choice on his own. Don't be using me, man!

[Denguin]

Again, I wish to truly uphold a lasting friendship with this ex. I do not wish to reconcile in any way... Time has allowed me to see that there were always issues between us (i.e. incompatibility) that shouldn't necessarily be present in a healthy relationship. In fact, there were times where I was ready to break our relationship (more than once), so perhaps I knew it all along but just didn't have the guts to go through with it. I know deep down this break up was for the best and would've happened eventually; perhaps this is why I never really fought her decision when it happened. As I've previously said as well, we're going to be thousands of miles apart for the foreseeable future due to life getting in the way (she has moved away), so realistically a reconciliation or even going as far to meet with her for a coffee isn't in the picture.

 

I don't care whether she "feels" for me or not. I just want to know whether she would welcome some contact or not, and if so, when likely the best time to do it would be. The last thing I would want is to come accross as wanting to get back with her. I was the one who broke contact off, and she was genuinely sad about it at the time.

 

Again, I don't aim to shoot higher than ever being friends with this girl again. I think she's an amazing person, and given the type of friendship I have with that other ex I have, I see no reason why I cannot achieve the same in this case (once I'm completely over this, of course). I do agree that what I have with my previous ex may set my expectations too high, but I'd like to still try regardless. You'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and I don't think there's much to lose in my current situation seeing as she's already completely out of my life.

 

Again, I'm at a stage where I'm almost over the hump. Today I ran into one of her family members today by complete coincidence... They happened to be visiting my city, and I honestly did not feel any pain/emotions at all during the encounter. Considering how I was really close to this ex's family, I'd say that's a pretty good indicator I'm getting to a better place.

[southernbell22]

In fact, there were times where I was ready to break our relationship (more than once), so perhaps I knew it all along but just didn't have the guts to go through with it. I know deep down this break up was for the best and would've happened eventually; perhaps this is why I never really fought her decision when it happened. .

 

I can really relate to what you're saying here, as I felt and feel the same way. I didn't fight at all for him to stay or beg or anything. I personally want nothing to do with my ex, but since you feel so strongly about this you'll probably contact her eventually anyway so I will give you some advice haha. Basically the obvious thing here is to wait until you're over her and the whole relationship completely (I am proud of your progress by the way!). After that moment comes- and you'll feel it when it does- you may want to allow yourself some time still maybe a month max then I'd say go for it. Basically don't jump into it until you feel you're 100% over it all.

 

If I were in your situation I would contact them through something like facebook or text, don't call or skype. I would state that I wasn't interested in rekindling the relationships with her and tell her that you don't want to leave on bad terms (blah, blah, blah, you get the idea) and ask her if she's cool with it. Remember, she needs to be okay with this too.

 

That's pretty much all the advice I can give you! I cant really get into any details because, well, I've never contacted any of my exes after a break up.

[Denguin]

We actually did leave off on quite good terms, which is why I think she'd be open to contact. I simply had just told her it was too tough to remain friends with her at the current time, and I'd see down the road if it was ever possible for me.

 

I think what's good it that as it stands, I'm not in a rush to contact her. I'm not going to set a deadline for it, and really want to be 100% certain I'm over her before opening up communication again. It's been a long road to get to where I am, and there's no sense risking a relapse so I can have contact once every month or two.

 

Thank you for your input silversea, and I will take all your advice into account. It's always nice to have things from the dumper's point of view. While it was not necessarily what I wanted to hear that contact may not be so well received, I do appreciate an honest opinion over a sugar-coated one that gives me a false sense of hope. I will re-evaluate where I'm at in a couple months and go from there.

[sky09]

OP, I hope your post doesn't give the dumpees of this site any kind of hope of how every ex feels about their decisions. Your post would probably apply to longer-term relationships, where people actually lived together. You sound young, and looks like you're on your way up. Best of luck to you. Definitely reflect on your past.

[southernbell22]

Well, I thought of the possibility of this bringing false hope but I honestly don't think it will. In the end, as I have stated, although I missed my ex I have not gone back to him. Yeah I missed him and still loved him (but not with the same intensity as before), but I did not take action on it and I also did not regret my decision as he wasn't the best.

 

I tried to remain as honest as possible so that the readers wouldn't be filled with any false hopes