Advice on Friendship I Lost due to Abuse

[Anaya]

I am trying to decide if/when I should contact a long-term friend of mine. Of course I miss her and am a tiny bit hopeful that someday we may be able to have some sort of friendship again. I'm feeling like I want to reach out to her in the next few months (give or take) but am still not sure if it's a good idea.

 

The story is complicated. My friend is 20 years older than me and was one of my professors in college. We became friends and rode horses together, saw movies together, met for coffee/lunch, etc. regularly. Even though she was much older than me and I moved out of the area, I still remained in contact with her every couple months and would see her when I came back to my college town to visit (about once a year). This went on for about 15 years.

 

In August of 2013, I was supposed to be meeting her for breakfast, but was unable to travel at the last minute because my husband and I got into a huge argument which turned physical. I told her I was unable to make it and outlined what had happened with him. She completely freaked out on me, saying that he had abused me and I needed to get out.

 

I didn't leave my relationship at that time (I'm married for 7 years with 3 children), but she told me she wanted to hear from me regularly because she was so worried my husband was going to kill me.. I expressed my concerns that I didn't want to burden her with my problems and ruin our friendship. She said it would not ruin our friendship - that friends don't bail on each other during these types of things, and that she was worried for me. So I did write to her regularly until May 2014. Around that time there was another incident with my husband, which I told her about. My friend then contacted my mother without my knowledge and told her she was afraid for my life, that my husband was being physically abusive again, that she thought I was depressed and suicidal because of it, and that my husband was not allowing me to get help. When I found out she had called my mom, I felt extremely betrayed and got quite angry at her, telling her I didn't need her help, or my parents help. She responded with an email that said, "I've decided I simply cannot help you anymore. And you have made it clear you don't want my, or anyone else's help. So this is goodbye. I wish you well in your life, but please don't contact me anymore."

 

I felt like I was caught completely off-guard. I had no idea that she was even considering "getting rid of me" and I became even more depressed because of it. I sent a very sincere apology and thanked her for contacting my parents, but she did not respond. It was pretty horrible time for me, feeling like I'd lost her. And I definitely feel true remorse for becoming angry with her.

 

Then, in July 2014 my husband and I had another incident (a really bad one), and I called the police that time. He was arrested (and later got a spousal battery misdemeanor conviction). In a state of extreme upset shortly afterwards, I wrote to my friend and told her what happened and that I knew I was a terrible person for how I had treated her. She responded immediately and told me I was not a terrible person - that she had always liked me, and that she was not surprised with what had happened with my husband. She said she hoped I realized the gift of a second chance and would actually leave him this time. In closing she said, "I wish you all the best in your healing process and rebuilding your life. I really do. And I can’t imagine a world where I would ever hate you - so please wipe that thought from your mind. I truly want you to have a happy productive life. But I cannot do this journey with you - you need to do it yourself."

 

I didn't reply to her, but later that week I found out from my parents that she had called them again to make sure they knew that he had hurt me again and gone to jail. So I wrote to her one more time and thanked her for contacting my parents and told her I was so surprised at how nice and caring everyone was. She wrote back saying, "Of course we care. A lot of people love you and we all want you to have a good life. I was praying you would get another chance and voila!"

 

So, I have not tried to contact her in any way since then... and it has been 7 months. I have gone through extensive counseling (both individual and group) and am currently living separately from my husband (he also is going through court-ordered batterers counseling). I believe my husband and I are done for good, although sometimes I still doubt and feel like running back to him.

 

Anyway, I really have been feeling lately like I want to email her and let her know I'm doing well, say thank you for sacrificing so much time and energy for me, and tell her that I miss her. But I do not know if she was still hinting that her "don't contact me" statement was still in place, or if she was possibly leaving the door open to the future. I'm not sure if she meant she does not want to do my "healing" journey with me, or my "life" journey with me.

 

She really was a good friend for 15 years and I do miss her. Does anybody think it would be a bad idea to contact her (now or in the future), or should I just let it go? Does it sound like she still does not want me in her life, period, or that there may be a door open once I get my life figured out again?

 

Thanks, in advance.

[catfeeder]

I have gone through extensive counseling (both individual and group) and am currently living separately from my husband

 

You're golden. Give her a call or email. This is what she needed to hear--that you're away from the danger, and she won't be enabling you by allowing you to vent about your situation without a desire or plan to correct it.

 

She was smart, and she did it for you. If she remained in contact, she'd be embedding you deeper in your danger than you realize. When abused people vent to others, they release just enough pressure to keep themselves locked in the problem, and your friend was smart to back out of playing that pressure valve role.

 

She legitimately cares for you, and given that you're away from the abusive spouse, she'd likely be happy to hear from you. If you ever opt to go back to him, however, that's another closed door to her--so don't even go there with her.

 

Head high, and enjOy your liberation and your special friendship.

[Anaya]

Thank you for your response. I do hope you are right. I asked my therapist about it, and she said to go with my heart. That if my heart felt I wanted to extend an olive branch, then there is nothing wrong with it.

 

My biggest concern has been her "don't contact me anymore" statement. I was not sure if she still meant that or possibly was implying it with her "I cannot do this journey with you" statement that came later. That statement felt much more ambiguous to me, and of course it left me with hope. Mostly because she was/has been a very important person in my life and has been there through so many of my young adult experiences (college, first job, marriage, kids). She was a good role model and we also had a lot of the same passions. And I have really cared about her, too. I did not want to have to say good-bye to her for good. And I truly don't understand how she could have completely wanted me out of her life, either. So I do hope she cut contact with me because she felt it was just simply the best thing to do at the time, and not because she didn't care. Another friend told me that if she absolutely, 100% did not want me in her life, she would have either never read my email, or would not have responded if she had read it. She said the fact that she responded means she never was truly gone.

 

Anyway, at this point in time I do think that if she were to tell me that she doesn't want to be friends anymore (or ignored me... although I can't see her doing that), I think I would be OK with it, and I would respect her. It would make me sad, but I know that I will be fine. But, of course I am hoping that she will be happy to hear from me.

 

Thank you for your reply! It does make me feel better and give me even more insight into what she was possibly thinking!

[shellyf62]

I totally agree with Catfeeder. I think she wouldn't enable you but now that you have left & you are building your life without him she would be very glad to hear from you.

[abitbroken]

My biggest concern has been her "don't contact me anymore" statement. I was not sure if she still meant that or possibly was implying it with her "I cannot do this journey with you" statement that came later.

 

I was in an abusive relationship, and have had friends who had gone through it. Sometimes you need to give a friend space, not hold their hand, and set a boundary if they are not willing to take action to better their situation. It is hard to hear someone constantly tell you how abusive a spouse is, then seem to go back to acceptance of it time after time. Its called tough love. She never left you as a friend - she called your folks, etc, but she did not want to enable you.

 

She basically told you in her "this is your journey" is that she needed to leave you alone and give you space to act. SHe couldn't just go back to normal conversation like everything was peachy. She could no longer hold your hand.

[abitbroken]

I believe my husband and I are done for good, although sometimes I still doubt and feel like running back to him.

 

You need to get this straightened out. I would get those divorce papers filed. ASAP. You can't just "believe" you are done, you have to make yourself done. He will convince you he has changed, and then after a few months, he will attack you or one of the kids, or use them as pawns. Talk to an attorney. If you make the first move in doing so, you might be able to deny unsupervised visits with the kids because of the assault on you.

[Anaya]

You need to get this straightened out. I would get those divorce papers filed. ASAP. You can't just "believe" you are done, you have to make yourself done. He will convince you he has changed, and then after a few months, he will attack you or one of the kids, or use them as pawns. Talk to an attorney. If you make the first move in doing so, you might be able to deny unsupervised visits with the kids because of the assault on you.

 

You are absolutely right on that. I think that's why I want to contact her, but still think I should wait a few more months... until I can be sure I will not go back to him. (Although, I do wonder if she made up her mind to not be in my life regardless of whether I'm with him or not... I just don't know her thought process and she didn't clearly indicate it to me) He got a job about 3 hours away and actually moved out. I told him I wasn't going with him, and he said he was just going to leave the kids with me because he has no desire to raise 3 kids on his own. So I guess I've been dragging my feet on finalizing things because I'm still not emotionally ready 100%, and it's not like he's threatening to take the kids away from me or anything. I've been their primary caretaker for quite a while now. My therapist says I need to file for divorce soon, even if I don't end up going through with it, at least I'm setting a precedent.

[abitbroken]

Oh no, honey.... you NEED to file. If your therapist is saying "even if you don't end up going through of it" to make it less scary for you so you will take the first step, that's one thing. But if the therapist is implying that you shouldn't divorce and it is just a game playing tactic to scare him, you need to review your therapist. You are justifying this by his committment to take the kids or not - when your justification to divorce should be to get you and your kids safe. As long as you don't arrange a custody agreement because you have his "word" that he doesn't want the kids, you will be sorely mistaken because at any time he could instantly change his mind. He may not want to take the kids with him now, but he surely will be back to try to take the kids for visits and you need to not be naive that he is just going to stay away. Divorce will take quite some time because you have kids and property. The process won't happen immediately - might as well start the momentum before you have a weeek moment. It could take months or a couple of years to final settle depending on your state and how amicable custody and support payments are worked out - but it needs to be in writing. You also have to cut off his access to your personal banking legally.

 

I think that you should not worry about what the friend would think - instead of ringing her, if you are worried about it, I would send her a card and a handwritten note and make sure she has your contact info. This way she is not required for an immediate response. If you send St. Patty's, Easter, or even a "just a note to say hi" type of card - it would be nice - just let her know what has happened and update her on how the kids are. She will be glad to hear that your guy has moved out.

[Anaya]

I just wanted to give an update, because I've been crying happy tears these past 2 weeks.

 

I wrote to my friend almost 2 weeks ago. I told her I was no longer living with my husband, that I'd been in therapy for many months, thanked her for all her help, and apologized for what I put her through.

 

She replied and said she was so glad I'd written. She said she couldn't tell me how many times she'd thought of me this past year and had been so scared my husband was going to kill me and/or my kids. She said she'd stopped communicating with me because she felt she had become my crutch and that it was maddening to her that she couldn't find the right trigger to make me leave before I got hurt.

 

So... I suppose this is a happy ending. She did ask me if I was in the process of a divorce. I was extremely nervous telling her that I had not yet filed for divorce, but I did. She said she realizes divorce is a big step, but hopes I will keep taking baby steps forward.

 

I'm happy. I just wanted to update.

[mhowe]

Good for you...keep moving forward.