Update - 4.5 months later!

[hopefulandhurt]

Hi everyone,

I first came on here about 4.5 months ago when my boyfriend of 7 years (ages 15-22) broke up with me seemingly out of the blue because he felt "too young to settle down" and had "what if doubts" and the need to "explore and date other girls to confirm if im the one". I was completely devastated and shattered because we had a great relationship and all of this came seemingly out of nowhere for me. I begged, pleaded, called and texted constantly for answers and all he would tell me is to let time do its job and we would know what's right in more time. He refused to give me any type of closure and repeatedly told me he saw himself marrying me one day but needed this time to date others. In my opinion, this is one of the most frustrating break ups to deal with. I came on this forum and for the first 3 months I became obsessed with what I could do to get him back. But something changed with me over the past month. He left ME for no apparent reason for anything I doc wrong - they were his own doubts. I now recognize my own self worth and if he doesn't appreciate me, goodbye and good luck!

 

Since my break up I have had a lot of mixed emotions. On one hand, I can't blame my ex. I think it's normal to want to explore others before settling down and im grateful he's done it now before we were engaged or married but on the other hand he walked away from me, broke our trust, and had no problem letting me go. Despite always feeling like he was "the one", im not really sure anymore. I still think about him everyday but I am feeling SO much better about everything and I can wholeheartedly say if he never comes back I will be ok. I've spent so much time with my girlfriends who are all amazing, focused on getting my masters, signed up for cooking classes, and am training for my second marathon. I have even started dating a great guy! Im taking things very slow and he knows exactly the situation im in but it's been really refreshing for me.

 

My point in posting is to offer some encouragement. I have a really long road ahead of me still. My ex sti occupies a lot of my daily thoughts but I don't cry everyday anymore and am able to focus on the positives I do still have in my life. It's really helped me to write down 5 things every night before bed that im grateful for that day - big or small. Im not sure what the future holds for me and whether or not my ex will return but I no longer want to "get him back". If he realizes on his own that im the one for him and comes back, it will be my choice and I will see how I feel if that time comes. But im not waiting for him. He could come back next week, next month, next year, or never. If it's meant to be he will be back when the timing is right but I refuse to sit around and wait for him.

 

Im in my third week of Nc now - the longest I've gone since my break up! I know my ex is seeing someone casually and im honestly ok with it. This was the point of our break up - to see other people. Nc has been so much easier and more natural this time around because I have absolutely nothing left I want to say to him. He knew how I felt about the break up and I have no need to make small talk with him. The ball is in his court if he has a change of heart so for now the focus is on me!

 

Im far from healed but I just wanted to give a lot of hope to all of you who are only a few weeks out of your break ups. The first 3 months were a nightmare for me - no eating or sleeping, constant crying and begging, but I've pulled myself together now and I am really ok. Im excited to see how much stronger I will be in another 4 months. It does get easier! Nc also is so helpful. I didn't listen to everyone who told me Nc was the only way initially but now that I've been sticking to it I feel 1000x better.

 

I don't know what the future hold for me and whether or not my ex will be in it but one thing I do know is that my own happiness is the most important thing and that "getting an ex back" is a silly thing to try to do. All of our exes left us for one reason or another - they're loss. They will be in touch if they want us back so for now the only way forward is to focus on ourselves and move on!

 

Thanks for everyone for all the support I've gotten here over the last few months!

[jphcbpa]

thanks for sharing. 7 years is a long time and my suggestion would be take this year off from dating. You are very young and the bread is not going to stale. In fact it will be more valuable and delicious on the other side of proper healing.

[pippy longstocking]

fab fab fab fab fab fab fab fab fab

 

and a thousand more fabs ....xxxx

[and so it goes]

5 years from now...or even less, you will thank the powers that be that this relationship ended.

People change, their tastes change, their priorities change.

The 15 year old is very different from the 22 year old. One should never marry the person you dated just because you sat beside them in grade 9 home room. It just doesn't make sense.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to get through this, so good for you!! Be strong, it does get better.

[JA0371]

You have soooo much to look forward to. You will look back on this in a year and laugh that you were ever so upset. So happy you are doing well. Please keep us posted

[Denguin]

Thank you for your post. As someone who's just gone through the whole GIGS thing (which sounds a lot like your case), this is encouraging to hear.

 

It's been a tough road, and it's nice to know that even though things look so hopeless some days, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[boltnrun]

This should be required reading for every person who posts "OMG, he/she dumped me, please tell me how to get him/her back!!!111"

 

Also, I am so glad you realized that all the people who recommend "No Contact" were actually right! No one wants to believe it right after a breakup because they fear the person who dumped them will "forget" about them if they don't bombard them with texts. Or, they think begging and pleading are an attractive way to get someone who doesn't want them anymore to change their mind. Sometimes I guess one needs to send oneself to one's own rock bottom before the realization sinks in.

 

Best thing is you're feeling and doing better. That's great. Carry on!

[Limiya]

I'm really pleased for you. 7 Years is very long, and i'm sorry but if after 7 years he still didn't know if he wanted to settle down with you? Then there's your answer. Mine left after 6 years and to be honest, i'd never take him back now. When you find the one, he won't want to 'try out' other girls or get GIGS syndrome.

 

Good luck in your future.