As92 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Hi I need some advice and opinions any would be great. To give you some back story my family are Muslim my father is Asian and my mother is English but converted. Me and my brother have been brought up on England in a western way. I am not a practicing Muslim neither is my mum but the rest of my family are quite religious. Saying that I have been able to do things (drink, have boyfriends, wear what I want, eat non halal meat) whilst being honest with my family so I would say they are quite liberal. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years pretty much apart from we had a 8 month break up after we finished university as we both lived apart. We lived together throughout university in the same house with other people. Now we want to move things forward and start a life together I am planning to move to where he lives (around 3hrs from home). I've told my family my plans and I have basically been told that he has to convert to islam and have a Muslim marriage blessing or I can't be with him. My father has said he will not support me or visit me and tell his family to not talk to me (please bare in mind that both parents knew we lived together during university and my parents actually lived together 1 year before they got married and before my mum converted). I am against making anybody convert to something they don't fully believe in and my boyfriend is an atheist therefore it will be really hard. My mum says that he needs to convert or I will have to choose between him and my family. I am finding this situation very distressing because firstly I'm not very religious and have been brought up extremely western culture, secondly I really love my boyfriend and can see myself marrying him but at the age of 22 I'm not ready (and don't feel like I should be forced) to marry someone. I love my family and the thought that my parents may not care for me like they have before and my dad's side to completely disrespect me makes me very upset. It doesn't help that my dad is seen as a respectful Muslim business man and my family are quite prominent figures in the country. Therefore if I moved in it would seem to bring shame on the family. I don't know what to do I will talk to my boyfriend but I don't believe anybody should convert out of love for someone. I want to move because it will make me happy but obviously if I lose my family or cause arguments I will be so distressed. I can't get my head around the fact that i feel the only reason my family are going to mental over us living together without him converting or getting married is to save face because of what other people think. Why does religion have to cause problems at the end of the day I always though religion is about your relationship with god. Therefore shouldn't you not judge others and always support your family. I just don't know what to do if I end up being forced to break up ith my boyfriend I feel like running anyway life would be easier if I didn't have to think about what anyone else thought of me. Where I could just be happy and live my life. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 More conflict in this world has been fought in the name of religion than anything but oil. Your family's prominence and your fathers more strict adherence informs his mindset. It is odd that throughout your relationship with this boy they have said nothing. Perhaps they thought it was a passing fancy. You can do what you want. You just will not have your family support in so doing. Your family has supported you to be this point in your life and allowed a more Western upbri ging. But you are an adult now...and your decisions have consequences. If they do not agree with your decisions...they need not support them. And since you are not necessarily planning on marrying this guy...it may be something to think about. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Well, I guess you need to decide then, him or your family. It is not reasonable to expect your BF to convert to Islam, even as a sham. If you decide to marry him, there is a chance your parents may turn around. It's happened. Don't count on it though. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Seems like your parents are more about maintaining appearances for propriety's sake than religion as such. I also wonder if they would throw up obstacles for you to just move - no boyfriends, just distance. In other words, I wonder if some of their resistance is more the pains of letting you leave the nest and lead your own life. Letting their baby go so to speak. I don't really know what advice to give you other than you are the one who gets to live your life. Not your parents, not your community. Make choices that suit you. If you don't, it will be your price to pay. Either way, all choices in life come with a cost. You have to figure out which cost you can live with. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I really feel for you. You're between a rock and a hard place. I can't imagine how the threat of being disowned from your family would feel. One of the things that is odd for me, is that your parents have allowed you to be a non practicing Muslim, to live the Western lifestyle, to live with your BF previously. So what has changed? Do you have a sense of why they would suddenly demand you adhere to the requirements of their faith? I would be telling them that you don't want to get married at this stage. Very gently if you can, I'd remind them that they lived together, unmarried for a year whilst your mother was non Muslim. Perhaps ask them to extend the same grace to you? I noticed that you said your parents were fine with you living with your BF when you were in a share house. Maybe you could move in with a couple of other people and it would be viewed as the same by them? The other thing is, do you HAVE to live together? Why don't you live separately until such time as you really know what it is you want to do? I know I haven't offered any real solutions, but I was trying to think of ways that yoiu could still have a relationship with both your BF and your parents. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Her mother and father lived together. Her mother converted to Muslim and negotiated a Western upbringing. Her father is devout and a community leader. So...does she want daddy's money and support...or true love? Link to comment
alli Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Someone already mentioned it, but is getting your own place in his vicinity not feasible? I know it's more expensive to live alone. Or perhaps find a female roommate. So you can live closer to your boyfriend, not be pressured to marry immediately & not risk losing your family. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 So...does she want daddy's money and support...or true love? Does it have to be either/or? Maybe there is a compromise for the time being while she works things out ....... and figures out whether it actually is true love ..... Link to comment
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