Torn between two

[Friendzoned929]

This is going to be lengthy. Thanks in advance.

 

I am torn between my soon to be ex husband and my ex boyfriend. I'll refer to them as eh and eb.

 

I met my eb in April. We work in the same building. We quickly began what I would consider an emotional affair.

 

Eh and I have been together for 13 years and have a child together. At the time of meeting, eb had a live in gf of a year and a half.

 

Over the summer eh and I experienced the same difficulties we had been facing for years. Him being a workaholic (not being home for dinner, missing things with our son) , not interested in things I am, his overbearing family who has been verbally abusive to me for years. The straw that finally broke the camels back and led me to move out: I had been coming home every day to his family at my house after work, they practically lived there because we have a pool. Eh never had to deal with it since he works 14 hour days in the summer. I told him I was getting to the point of not wanting to come home anymore. He replied, don't f'in come home then. That was enough for me. He had always supported me when it came to them and that was the first time he was openly letting them run the show. I moved out a week later.

 

In the meantime, eb's live in gf had moved out late June but continued to try and work on the relationship living apart. When I moved out it was mid August. Soon after I moved out eb learned about it, told me he was in love with me and stopped trying to work things out with his exgf. We began to date officially on labor day.

 

All was well until late September when he suddenly broke up with me. Told me he was very stressed and feeling guilty about the ex still. She had some mental health issues and he felt he had contributed and needed to go back because she was not doing well. That lasted three weeks. Then he was calling me back, said he had made a huge mistake and let his guilt overtake him. He called things off with her once again and we got back together. This was now October 20th. (I have had no communication with eh during this time aside from about our son)

 

Fast forward to December. All is well. We've introduced our families and children. We've made holiday plans. Seems like we are on the right track. I started (or so I thought) to get depressed. I figured it was the stress of less income over the holidays and it being my first without being a family unit with my eh and son. I realize now eb was withdrawing from me, and I think I was placing the blame elsewhere and assuming I was the problem rather than seeing he was acting different. I started to really miss my eh during all of this, but again, assumed it was just the holidays causing it. Although unsure of my own feelings, I finally noticed it was eb, not me, acting different. I called him out on it. He told me he felt we were more like friends than lovers and broke up with me on Christmas eve.

 

Through Facebook I realized shortly thereafter he was back with his ex again. I let it go. I didn't message him. I was trying to move on. My eh knew that I was once again single and began to express his love for me again on NYE , and wanted to work on things. I agreed to try but made it clear I was unsure as nothing had been resolved with our issues. Aside from his family, work and lack of common interests... sexually, I felt the spark died many years ago. For me, not him. He never noticed I wasn't enjoying it because he always finished and had a great time. In 13 years I had one orgasm. I thought it was me who was incapable.

 

So I agreed to give it a go. We've talked about many of our issues. Haven't resolved any but put it all on the table. And what do you know? Here comes eb creeping back. This time it's all different. He says he cheated on me with her and that's why he pulled away, he felt guilty and couldn't tell me so broke up with me. At that point he claims, she asked him to try to work things out again (I've since spoken to her, she also stated they were never back together). He says she has had a toxic pull on him these last two years because she has no family (adopted and abandoned) lives in a room she rents from some random guy she fees uncomfortable around and never has money's since she only works two days a week since she goes to school. He says she began to message him again telling him how alone she was and she had no one and it was his fault. She couldn't afford gas to get to school, her car broke down, her friends abandoned her.. Long story short... He felt bad.

 

And here we are again. He is now more than ever professing his love for me. Tearful apologies. Begging. I've heard it all. I'm his forever. He messed up. He has never felt this bad in his life. She is toxic to him and he is done. He did block her number. It's a company phone and he cc'd me on the email requesting it. He has stated he will give his dog to his parents (we live an hour away and now I feel like I can't trust him) so he can spend more time at my house. He keeps saying he is going to prove it to me. He will show me I can trust him. He knows for certain I am who he wants forever. And I keep telling him, it all sounds great but we've been down this road before.

 

As for eh. I told him last night I need a break. I don't feel the intimate vibe with him and I need to clear my head. Truth be told, I don't feel the intimate vibe with him, but I only need to clear my head because eb is back in it again.

Eh is stable, safe, familiar, trusting, loves me beyond belief

Eb is funny, adventurous, romantic, has similar likes as me, makes me feel alive.

 

I am torn between them both for very different reasons. And I know the obvious choice seems to be eh... But I am so afraid of that missing spark. When I kiss eb or he touches me it like I am walking on air. I have never felt so complete from ssomeone's touch alone. Not even sexually. But then I think about the trust. I have no trust issues with eh. He is the most loyal man I have ever know.

 

I told eb I need time. I cannot trust him right now. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me, it doesn't erase the pain.

[mhowe]

No matter how many time ex bf comes back, he will leave again.

 

That is a simple.fact.

[Raoul]

So you screwed over your husband (and your child) while married. You like the results of his long hours but not the long hours themselves. His family may be a bit of a problem.

 

You have an on-again-off-again affair going on with a man-child that is either deliberately lying to you or genuinely suffering from terminal adolescence.

 

You believe you are entitled to the benefits of your husband's long hours and the joys of an affair partner and cannot understand why 'drama' comes along with this.

 

Count the number of times you typed "I" in your post.

 

Good luck.

[Friendzoned929]

I'll have you know I am the bread winner. My husbands long hours are at a self employed job that has put us into debt and caused our home to go into foreclosure. And made negative $2000 last year. But thanks for thinking you have any clue about my financial situation or the many reasons my husband an i struggled

[Friendzoned929]

Further more.. I'd like to add my husband quit his full time job because he is a pot smoker and they were starting to drug test. Then the self employed debt began. So, sorry there are a lot more issues that led me to an emotional affair and me leaving my marriage then I have time to mention. I didn't ask for your criticism, I asked for advice. You don't know all of the facts, just the parts I am mentioning.

[Clinton]

Then mention more. We can only go by what you tell us.

 

Sounds like you need to be single for a while. Niether guy sounds like a prize. Sort yourself out first and then see what you want.

[mhowe]

If you want to leave your husband...do. But your bf/ex bf is no prize.

[bulletproof]

So how's your son through all this?

I think you should let both of these relationships go and focus on your son. He must be incredibly confused and upset right now.

The ex-bf is unreliable and immature. His reasons for breaking up with you are irresponsible—he's put all the blame on his ex-gf.

Your husband may be a perfectly nice guy, but if you were never physically attracted to him, there's no point in going further.

Please check in with your son and get him therapy if need be. Introducing him to another guy within seconds of your husband leaving has probably really messed with his head.

[Friendzoned929]

I've already left my husband and we have filed for divorce. The papers have not been signed yet as there is a waiting period where we live. I'm not sure how I will feel when they arrive for my signature. And there was a time I was physically attracted to my husband but years back he began using sex as a tool. If I didn't sleep with him he wouldn't speak to me for days. We had a lot of issues, some we have worked through some we haven't, some that cannot change (his family). The sex as a tool stopped. I finally spoke up and explained how I felt as though I was only sleeping with him to keep the piece which just made me resent him and feel like an object. It took a while but he has stopped that. My husband isn't a peach and neither am I. But our issues for the most part have gotten better as we aged. He is a good father and husband. He is now realized the faults he made by choosing drugs over financial stability. He was very responsible when I met him. Balanced his check book to the penny. Then after 7 or 8 years together he came reckless with money. He had acquired 40k on credit card debt, had to sell the second home he owned since he was 18 because his self employment debt was eating us alive. I'm not sure what happened to him. I fell in love with someone much different then he is today. He has become so obsessed with making his business work these last three years that he has neglected every other area of his life. And thus our issues began. If I spelled out everything over the years I feel some would be irrelevant because we were kids and you live and you learn. But his pot and job have always felt like his first priority. And when the ship sank and I had to carry all of the bills I detached more. I was working full time. Being a mother full time. Entertaining his family full time. Running the house. It was as if I were already single. I supported him through three different "dream self employed jobs"... Two of which have failed and one that is still dragging him down. And to say I've had a bit of issues with his family is an understatement. His mother tried to get him back with his ex while I was pregnant, his brother has stolen things from my home, his sister had vandalized our property. They have all gone above and beyond to make it known to everyone that they hate me but yet have no issues spending 7 days a week at our house, swimming in our pool, eating our food. If I speak up his mother takes it out on my husband and son and ignores them both and makes me out to be the one against them.. So I feel bad, and I'm a pushover and I apologize and let them back. His mom has come into my house twice when I was on vacation and redecorated rooms in my home. These people are a huge nuisance. When we had a family and could no longer afford the extravagant gifts they were used to my husband buying them they accused me of not allowing him to buy things for them because I was selfish. When our home went into foreclosure they wanted to take my swingset from the yard for our niece and nephew and asked what other things we might lose if we lost our home that they could take. Seriously, I could go on all day. I've told my husband it's more his family then anything that causes a huge stress on me but again, we have our issues too.

 

I would love to have sexual attraction towards my husband again but have never been able to get over the resentment of how I felt for years and am unsure how to. There were countless times I cried during sex and he was unaware.

 

But I hate to sit here and bash my husband because everyone has their bad faults. And I do feel like we had a lot of rough years financially which put a bigger strain on everything else. He has been trying to change. He hasn't quit the pot, but has drastically reduced. If I say no to sex now, he doesn't get angry. He has recently started to defend me and our privacy to his family. He has suggested we move even because after I left his mother turned to his sister and her relationship and has started to interfere there and he sees it now as an outsider. His sisters spouse is now threatening to leave her because of the mother.

 

Also, my son is fine. He met my ex a handful of times as a friend. We were never affectionate in front of him. Even the holiday plans did not include my son.. It would have been during the hours he was with his father. I have 50/50 custody so there are many opportunities for me to be alone with eb and not have my son around. He has met other male friends I had in the past too that I work with as well as female friends. He wasn't made aware that it was a physical relationship. He also does not know that his dad and I have been discussing working things out. He is a straight A student with a lot of hobbies. If I feel he is being affected, and if I see any noticeable issues I would certainly get him a therapist.