Please Help, so many confusions about our break up

[Jmal1994]

Dear eNotAlone

 

Right, the situation is confusing, and perhaps not even a situation anymore, but I can't help wonder about everything. My ex girlfriend and I, both 20, we're together for 2years and 8months, we were each other's first love and even were each others first 'mate'. She split up with me about four days ago though

 

We had been so dependent upon each other in the relationship, talking about our future and our dreams and hopes together, our intimacy in the bedroom started to slip a few months ago due to stress of work and college.

 

She commuted to college from her home, as did I, she initially rejected college because she didn't want to move away and wanted to stay at home near me, we seemed perfect, never argued, just accepted the other person for who they were, and she was perfect

 

The past few weeks were difficult for us, we were both really busy and she started to develop feelings for someone else at her college, he's 18, taller and slimmer. She left me because she was confused about us, her future at university and what she would do after. she shut herself away from her family. She said she still 'loves me' and 'cares for me' and wants to remain friends and I initially told her NO, she had hurt me.

 

My confusions stem from the fact that I don't know where I went wrong, she saw this guy more than me, but I would take her out for dinner, we would go places, and she told me she would always love me because I made her feel so secure about herself. A week later, she's telling me she needs to be on her own, breaks up with me, and kisses this guy a few hours after the break up. 2years and 8months out the window!

 

Although I wanted no contact, I've had some trouble with my college future in the past couple of days that no one else would understand apart from her, we didn't talk about us, just that, she kept saying she was really sorry about everything, but I didn't want to chat about it, and now I feel guilty for breaking the no contact.

 

I'm just not ready to let go, the memories we made together, the holidays we spent together, I'm afraid that I can't trust anyone like that again, I'm scared that I won't fall in love, because she was my first, the first person to ever make me feel secure and confident about myself, and now I'm so low

 

Will she ever forget about me? Will she ever return, I'm willing to have her back because I understand that all girls want to see if 'the grass is greener on the other side'. I'm trying to move on, but I don't know how to, we invested so much time into each other, and now it's gone. Any advice would be great!

[kbbcoop77]

You're both very young. Relationships rarely last a lifetime that start so young. My first serious girlfriend dumped me after about a year and a half, I was 22 and literally crushed. Couldn't sleep, eat, cried every night, sent her flowers, etc etc...this was in 1986..! Since then I have had several relationships, some lasted a few months, a couple over a year, and then I met my wife and we were together 24 years and split about a year ago. The point is you have an entire life ahead of you. Many many relationships if you want them. I'm so happy I had so many different ones as I experienced all different kinds of women and had a great time doing it. You will get over her dude, believe me you don't want to go backwards once dumped, I tried that ONCE and it was a total disaster, it was NOT the same, that pain doesn't go away and I just ended up resenting her. Just take some time now to heal, but you're young and will bounce back as long as you allow yourself to. It took me a few months back then but I caught some gals eye in some bar and we ended up together for a few months and then that ended and I met some other gal at a club etc etc...the getting dumped experience taught me a lot. You need to go through it once to steel your heart a bit and learn for the next gal. Take care, you'll be fine! I wish I was 21 again

[Jmal1994]

That's really helpful, I know it's a learning curve, and it was only four days ago, so I'm feeling a bit rough, I said to her we can only be friends once we feel secure about ourselves, and feel comfortable, I don't want to completely erase her from my life, I don't think I ever will, but yeah onwards and upwards, I will be the perfect guy for someone one day, I've learned a lot from the relationship and the break up, I know how much trust to put into someone, I've learned more about girls, about sex, we have helped each other I think, I hope she never forgets that, and I know I'll stay mature about it now, but in a few hours I'm bound to be distraught again, I have to grieve, but that's a part of life, life is a roller coaster, I've taken the biggest drop, and it's up again, the next fall won't be as hard, thanks

[kbbcoop77]

Look I won't lie..4 days is nothing and you're in for a bit of a rough road ahead. But the best thing you can do is stay no contact and stay busy, take a look at this online guide it helped me when my marriage ended a year ago.

link removed

You will get over her, but it's up to you how long it takes! Take care buddy

[Arnulfo28]

Props for the commenter that is above me; you still have many nights of pain and doubt and confusion. Keep talking to commenters or friends to help you analyze things. Take your time. I wish you luck. I'll see you at the other side.

[Arnulfo28]

Will she ever forget? I doubt it. I have a theory that a person doesn't completely forget his or her lover.

[Jmal1994]

That guide is helpful, I've realised now that I can have happiness again, not with her, with someone else, someone who will perhaps have more interests, there is someone for everyone, a classic cliche, I've been unsure whether to post my emotions, but I'm glad I have, I'm glad there's other people out there

 

Of course I'm only 20, it sounds like my world has ended, but you make new plans, someone else is round the corner, you never know when they will come, if I've got someone new, someone I can trust, someone else that makes me happy, makes me comfortable to the point I have been, then I feel it would be right to reconcile with my ex, as arnulfo28 pointed out, you don't just forget about people, especially after you spent your entire time and experiences with them for almost three years.

 

I shan't rush into anything too soon though, I'll grieve, I've got a great network of friends, family and colleagues who have experienced this, I'll take advice, and as hostile as it is at the moment. It's her loss!

[Arnulfo28]

That's the spirit! Reminds me of the cheesy Bryan Adams song Sound the Bugle. In a good way, of course.

[Jmal1994]

Well her mother has just messaged me saying she is finding everything really hard and difficult because she 'knows' the hurt she caused. Of course she doesn't, I sent her mother a simple, firm, but not cynical quote

 

'When a heart breaks, it doesn't breakeven'----> that's what she needs to learn

 

If my emotions do play up again, then I shall return to the forum, it's good to vent my emotions by typing and listening, thankyou guys

[Doofus]

Two years. At that age it's always 2 - 3 years. It's nothing you did or didn't do. It's biological. Think of all the times during the relationship that you noticed a hot girl and thought - just for a second - what you might do if you weren't involved. Now you can. Get out and date. That's my advice.

 

And though she's not coming back (at least in the near future), don't worry about her forgetting you or whatever. She won't I'm 50 years old and I still remember every woman that I ever made out with, let alone had LTR. She's never going to forget you. Never. Try to take a little heart from that.

[DepthOfField]

I'm 50 years old and I still remember every woman that I ever made out with, let alone had LTR.

 

OMG. Phew. I though I was the ONLY one!