Do I stay broken up or try to repair us?

[merbe01]

I've known this girl since 2011. We were really good friends and then she started opening up to me more personally which led me to really take an interest in her. So we started dating, and we have been dating since July of last year. A year isn't much time, but she occupied nearly 99% of my time every single day and I couldn't have been happier with it. She has grown on me so much.

But over the course of the past few months, she's become less patient, more irritable, she never used to insult me but now every time we get in an argument she easily calls me names and puts me down. So I finally got sick of it all and ended it. And then immediately after this break up, i turned to my facebook and added all of these toxic girls that she deleted off of my facebook account because they posed a threat to our relationship. She saw it and it threw her into a horrible depression because I did it the same day of breaking up with her. So that made me feel awful that I upset her like that. I wasn't really thinking when I did that. I acted on impulse. But I felt awful when she mentioned how upset she got but a simple "sorry" can't repair how hurt she was. So I stood by my decision because I didnt know what else to do.

And then when I explained to her that I'm dumping her because of how hostile she's becoming, she starts promising it won't happen again. But I find it hard to believe because we've broken promises of that nature before and I dont want to get sucked back into a relationship where I'm put down for making small mistakes. She even threatens to dump me during these arguments, which I'm also fed up with, but afterwards she always says "I'm just being dramatic because I'm hurt I wouldn't actually do it"

However, I'm torn. I've always told her I would never give up on her and that I would always be there for her. It was only a year (not counting the 3 years of being friends), but because she was constantly with me I felt like I knew her entirely and I was in love with her. I envisioned marrying her and it just felt right. I made her fall in love with me and now I feel like I owe her that. To never give up on her. To stand by her through everything even at the cost of my own emotions. Its not like shes completely cruel. Shes really great when she's not being hostile. but these outbreaks are becoming too frequent for me to handle. But now that she's gone, not even 4 hours later I already regret my decision and I want her back. But part of me doesnt and I'm so confused.

I'm tired of her verbal abuse but I miss having her as my girlfriend because of the times where she's being amazing instead of being harsh(Which are just as frequent as her harsh moments).

I know how much I hurt her by adding those toxic girls on facebook, but I know if I told her I was sorry and made up for it and deleted the girls, she would take me back. But I feel like I cant do that. I don't deserve to have her after putting her through that kind of pain and it would be completely horrible of me to be greedy and take her back just because I miss her. But I also know that she doesnt want to be split up or else she wouldn't have tried to stop me from breaking up with her.

So I don't know what to do.

Do I do her the favor of leaving her alone so she doesnt hurt anymore because of me and the pain I caused her?

Do I leave her because of her frequent insults and put downs and the toll it has on my own emotions? I've made it aware that it hurts me but it doesn't end.

Do I overlook it and try to get her back because I absolutely love her?

Do I owe her for the promises I made to her?

Do I trust her promise to not be like that anymore and try again even though these promises have failed before?

This is our first love for both of us.

We're both turning 20 July, so I'm also confused as to what our love really is. For all I know we could just be stupid teenagers and because its our first love we think its the most true love on the planet but in reality its just petty feelings. But based on my own emotions and knowledge and her words and actions and from knowing her for so long, I feel like I really do love her. Idk. Any words of wisdom?

[catfeeder]

she never used to insult me but now every time we get in an argument she easily calls me names and puts me down.

 

You spent 99 percent of your time with this girl, and that alone is toxic. Add insults and taking you for granted to the mix, and you were smart to break this off.

 

Good relationships don't join two healthy people at the hip. Neither of you sound all that healthy. This sounds like the perfect time to stop all contact, let her move on to grow in the ways she needs to, and you do the same.

 

We all need to find interests and goals that sustain us in autonomy before we can join our lives with someone else who is equally as autonomous and happy with their own life. Then we can join out of choice, not dependency.

 

If your ex is ever capable of meeting you on higher ground someday, you'll cross paths again and you'll recognize this. But in order to meet on higher ground, you need to go there yourself first. Do that. Focus on your own life and cultivate a healthy one. From there you'll be in a much better position to choose a GF wisely.

 

Head high.

[Iggles]

I agree with catfeeder.

 

It's tough figuring out how to mange this break up because it's your first relationship, but OP you are not obligated to fulfill any promises made while you were still together! I think you made the right call, as things between you and your Ex became toxic. Her putting you down/insulting you just as frequently as being "amazing" to you is a bad ratio!

 

For a healthy relationship experts say it should be 5:1, meaning for every negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be five positive ones! So you see, how off your past relationship is. Time will bring better perspective. Not getting back together provides a valuable lesson for her -- she will learn how she treats her partner matters and false promises to change her behavior won't cut it. She has to do the work to change or risk driving good, decent guys away.

[relevart]

If you read your post from the POV of an outsider, as if someone else wrote it, there's no way on earth your advice to that person would be, "Sure, give it another shot." You're 20. You're so young. In time, this girl will be a blip on your radar screen. You may remember her as your first love, but the vast majority of folks break up with their first love for one reason or another. She's given you plenty of reasons to do so.