Lucha Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 When my ex of one year ago called in january, I decided to ignore her, based on the advice given here and also knowing last time I broke NC she just basically texted me 'hey, how are you? I am in a new relationship' (not literally bit that was the message). However, she called again and texted twice, asking how I was. So I caved and texted back. She wanted to call - I didnt accept and had my friend check her fb to see if she is still in a RS and what would she possibly be needing to call for. And there it was; She is still in a RS! Ofcourse there is no way I am answering her calls anymore now. But I am shocked. Really. First of, she doesnt deserve to be in a RS while I am working my ass off 60 hours a week and having no social life left, and a love life that is so dead there isnt anything moving at all. And she is still in a RS! The person I thought was incapable of beinh with someone longer than a four month honeymoob phase. What the. I have recently bought a new phone which thank god, allows me to block phone numbers. I know what to do. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 You working your butt off has nothing to do with her love life --- "she doesn't deserve".... come on Lucha. You are angry that her rebound isn't a rebound. And you are wayyyyy to angry after a year. And ---- since you really wanted to be friends afterwards, she may be thinking that enough time has passed (a year). Clearly --- not enough time for you. Link to comment
jennylove Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Yea, your schedule and her love life are moot points. Did u work tgat brutal schedule while with her? If yes, was that why she left? But it's all whatever. You are being neutral, and she's dangling the carrot. I'd send her a very direct text telling her that she is of your past and you see no reason to communicate any longer, but you wish her health and happiness in life. And then block her. Done. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Morbid curiosity got to you didnt it. You wanted an excuse to justify your pain and you went out looking for it. All you had to do was ignore the texts. Read it and delete it and think nothing else. But curiosity got you. You wanted to know why and rather than accepting and letting go the "why" was too strong so you had to find out that she was in a relationship. Who the heck cares if she is in a relationship? Its been over a year, why are you so afraid to let go? To me you think you two are on the same path and she cant advance further than you. "Oh she doesnt deserve to be happy when Im not" Who controls your happiness? Who is the one who is preventing you from being happy? Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I feel your pain and anger but as has been said, her state of affairs at this stage is meaningless. People move on and find other relationships after they break up. Sometimes they find a permanent partner. It's no reflection on your life. The longer you hold onto the anger though, the worse it will be. It hurts only you at this stage. Sounds like she might want to be friends, you don't. Nothing wrong with that, you owe each other nothing at this stage. Block her and try and move on. Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 You working your butt off has nothing to do with her love life --- "she doesn't deserve".... come on Lucha. You are angry that her rebound isn't a rebound. And you are wayyyyy to angry after a year. And ---- since you really wanted to be friends afterwards, she may be thinking that enough time has passed (a year). Clearly --- not enough time for you. I never wanted to be friends, in fact, I repeatedly stated very clearly I would never be her friend - not even after enough time has passed. Otherwise, you are right and I feel like a loser. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Yea, your schedule and her love life are moot points. Did u work tgat brutal schedule while with her? If yes, was that why she left? But it's all whatever. You are being neutral, and she's dangling the carrot. I'd send her a very direct text telling her that she is of your past and you see no reason to communicate any longer, but you wish her health and happiness in life. And then block her. Done. No it wasnt the cause of the breakup. Cause was lost feelings and her wanting to be with her friends more than me . Basically also due to lost feelings. Anyway, I know it is irrelevant but I can't help but feel like a victim. I have been working SO hard over the past year to NOT feel this way, but it appears -unless what everybody is telling me- I have zero control over meeting someone or being able to spend quality time with friends. The meeting someone part is a matter of luck (ofcourse, I dont stay at home moping either) and the friends part: 90% of them is in a LTR and doesnt have time to spend outside their own little lives they are building with their own new founded families. Sorry for the rant, I just wish I could get myself out of this desperate state already. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 You are not a victim except in your own mind. People lose feelings all of the time. Which leads to break ups. And both people eventually move on. You chose your profession and in so doing, the lifestyle commitments that go with it. I was single thru most of my 40's. All of my friends were married...I still socialized with them. Not r as often as I would have if they were single...but I went to lunch, dinner and even on vacation with them...and their families. If you cannot stand the limitations of your job commitment, there are certainly other doctor jobs that don't ask for the time commitments of your current job. Maybe you should look into that. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I dated a really selfish man but was really in love with him because of other good things we had going. But I eventually had to say goodbye to him because he was incapable of being monogamous. He kept after me for YEARS periodically popping up and trying to be friends and/or start up a FWB situation if I'd let him. Everytime he'd pop up, i'd immediately hit him with, 'has anything changed are are you ready to be monogamous? If not, sorry, not interested and i won't do friends or FWB.' So he'd disappear and pop up repeatedly, hoping I'd soften and eventually agree to a 'just friends' or 'FWB' scenario. I think your ex is the same... She is just being selfish. She probably wants you as a friend and wants to have her cake and eat it too. But you don't want to be friends. So the answer here if she contacts you is to just immediately focus on what your goal is and what is right for YOU not what SHE wants. Because if she is with someone else, what she wants from you and what you want from her are not compatible. So just stick to your guns and don't play. But you will not really heal until you decide to totally cut her off and accept that she is not offering you what you want and need. And don't settle for crumbs. And try very hard not to be bitter. She didn't owe you a lifetime of commitment just because she spent a year (or whatever it was) with you. I know you had it bad for her, but if she didn't reciprocate those feeilngs and stick around, there is no point to this. It's like continuing to fantasize about buying a house that got sold to someone else. No point in that, and the only person you are hurting by being bitter is yourself. So focus on acceptance. You may not like how this turned out, but it is what it is. It was fun for a while but she didn't want it to be permanent. So rather than trying to hang onto the past, work on accepting the past is past and it is your task to make your own life as fulfilling as possible. So stop looking back and start looking forward and setting in motion things that will add joy and benefit to your life. Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 You are not a victim except in your own mind. People lose feelings all of the time. Which leads to break ups. And both people eventually move on. You chose your profession and in so doing, the lifestyle commitments that go with it. I was single thru most of my 40's. All of my friends were married...I still socialized with them. Not r as often as I would have if they were single...but I went to lunch, dinner and even on vacation with them...and their families. If you cannot stand the limitations of your job commitment, there are certainly other doctor jobs that don't ask for the time commitments of your current job. Maybe you should look into that. I know mhowe I try very hard to meet my friends as often as they can. But things just go very difficult. For example, I planned a week of vacation with a friend - asked many but she was the only available. It was settled and theb yesterday she said she couldnt go anymore due to a student job she took. As for the limitations of my job.. I love my job.. So I take the hours.. But I hate not having enough free time. But as a doctor unfortunately - where i live - all doctors have deadly working schedules. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 When I was focuses on my career..which I loved...I worked a 60 hr week and commuted 4 hrs a day (2 hrs each way...daily) for 8 years. Did my social life suffer? Yes. I could only socialize on Fri or Sat night. And sometimes was too tired to do so. But that was my priority... You cannot have everything you want, all at the same time. That is life. If you love your job...then by your own actions...work is more important than a relationship right now. So focus on that. You cannot change your hours, you cannot change the availability of others. You CAN change your mindset. Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Now I had the worst nightmare ever where she is all settled down with a house and a partner etc. Awful Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 The thing is, she will move on with someone else and make a life with them. Nobody joins a monastery after a breakup. We all move on to lives with other people. That's just life and the sooner you really come to terms with that, the better. Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I have a hard time accepting she has better luck in her future love life than I do. That is my main problem. I have a strong sense of justice and unfortunately, in many ways this world doesnt work that way. I should probably just work on that. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 When I was focuses on my career..which I loved...I worked a 60 hr week and commuted 4 hrs a day (2 hrs each way...daily) for 8 years. Did my social life suffer? Yes. I could only socialize on Fri or Sat night. And sometimes was too tired to do so. But that was my priority... You cannot have everything you want, all at the same time. That is life. If you love your job...then by your own actions...work is more important than a relationship right now. So focus on that. You cannot change your hours, you cannot change the availability of others. You CAN change your mindset. The thing is I don't want to accept it's either work or a social life. Because work is work and you HAVE to work, the money they pay you is EARNED. But friendship and love is optional, and it's not like you can 'deserve' love. I just feel as if it is due to luck, mainly. And that I have bad luck in love. Correct me if wrong.. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 This isn't about luck nor justice. It is about her having more time to dedicate to a social life than you do. And ultimately, that is YOUR choice. A side note: No one ever said life was fair. Because it isn't. Good things happen to bad people ---- bad things happen to good people. Innocents die young and nasty people live forever. Check out the Serenity Prayer. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I have a hard time accepting she has better luck in her future love life than I do. That is my main problem. I have a strong sense of justice and unfortunately, in many ways this world doesnt work that way. I should probably just work on that. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk We all think our exes are evil, manipulative, daughters of Satan. Problem is they're not. Most often they're just people who decided we didn't fit in their lives. A lot of times they do a really bad job of ending it, but that's just being human. No one is any good at this stuff. Accept she's gone, accept she will never come back, and accept that her happiness or misery should have absolutely no effect on your life. Only you are responsible for your ultimate happiness, no one else. If you continue to be miserable by dwelling on this, that's your problem not hers. She is probably very happy in her life and wishes you no I'll. The past is the past, leave it there and move on. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Lucha, In my family there are 3 doctors and I used to date a doctor and have seen how much time it takes and how hard it is to be in a relationship when first starting out. Its hard. The internships, 24hr shifts and then all you want to do is sleep, then the brutal hours. All this to learn your craft. Now, look at the other side once you are established. Once the dust settles youll get to have both a life and a career. Right now you are in a part of life that socially is going to be hard. Youll have very little time, but thats just temporary. Is it fair that youll end up making $400,000 a year and someone from Mcdonalds makes $20k? Is it fair that a drunk diver survives a crash but the family he runs into dies? Life has nothing to do with fairness, nothing is fair, however there is something that is called balance. Right now your work is out weighing your social life and this balance is killing you because you dont think its right. You are striving for a better life, your X is the type to ride coat tails and work at nothing to get what she has. She is waiting for you to be rich so you can blow your money on her. She is selfish, conceded, spoiled, manipulative, brat that doesnt deserve anything from you. She abandoned you, and yet you forged on, you powered thru and you are going to be highly successful, rich, and you will be happy. All your X is doing is keeping tabs for when this day happens so she can come back into your life and say "we did it" The ones that stuck by with you, the ones that never let you fail the ones that never left you, the ones that were always there are the ones that you should be focusing on. And if you say no one did that, then it makes your journey even more successful. You are a remarkable woman.. you accomplished something that most of us cant or wont do. In time you will enjoy the fruits of your labor.. Life will balance out Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 We all think our exes are evil, manipulative, daughters of Satan. Problem is they're not. Most often they're just people who decided we didn't fit in their lives. A lot of times they do a really bad job of ending it, but that's just being human. No one is any good at this stuff. Accept she's gone, accept she will never come back, and accept that her happiness or misery should have absolutely no effect on your life. Only you are responsible for your ultimate happiness, no one else. If you continue to be miserable by dwelling on this, that's your problem not hers. She is probably very happy in her life and wishes you no I'll. The past is the past, leave it there and move on. Exactly the past is the past. Why would you want to contact an ex years after the breakup?? Ofcourse she wishes me no ill, I didn't do anything wrong. She was the one roaming dating sites while she was still in a RS with me. She has no reason to wish me ill. I don't wish her ill either, but I don't wish her well. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Then why are you still so angry a year later? You have seen multiple threads here where an ex will reach out after a period of time to be friends. And if you don't want that then block her. You keep putting your hand back in the fire and wonder why it hurts. Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Thank you for this it actually made me feel a little better. Nice to hear some people actually value what I do.. I wish having a good job and stable finances actually meant something in gay world. Unfortunately it doesn't count. All that matters is if you are a party animal with extreme hair and tattoos.. But that's just me being bitter. And going out in the wrong environment.. Obviously.. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Then why are you still so angry a year later? You have seen multiple threads here where an ex will reach out after a period of time to be friends. And if you don't want that then block her. You keep putting your hand back in the fire and wonder why it hurts. I'm angry at life for giving her a new love (attention and affection) and leaving me alone and exhausted. I told her twenty times I never want to be friends ever. I don't do that. I guess I mistakenly assumed that she would eventually apologize and have regrets.. As what we had was imo special.. She even admitted that herself by not wanting to lose me as her best friend.. But whatever.. I probably just think too much of myself and am no better or more special than any of her exes. The joke's on me. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Life has not left you alone...your chosen career takes up a lot of time. Your value system is not the same as hers. There are many successful gay women who have life partners... And I am sure you will at some point as well. Being gay isn't the issue. Being bitter is the issue. Link to comment
Lucha Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Life has not left you alone...your chosen career takes up a lot of time. Your value system is not the same as hers. There are many successful gay women who have life partners... And I am sure you will at some point as well. Being gay isn't the issue. Being bitter is the issue. True.. It is hard not to be bitter about it all. Everything I do to improve my social life fails ik one way or another. Plans to go out? Friends cancel lastminute. Go on a trip? Friends can't go after all - i'm bitter because I desperately need social contact outside of work and it isnt easy... But i just need to steer clear from any information about the ex and ill be fine. Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
No1 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sounds like you are frustrated with many things and your X is the most logical choice to project those frustrations on. On a side note. I have traveled thru the US and Europe by myself and have had great times. Why cant you just be happy going out on trips by yourself? If you cant enjoy your own company how to expect others to? All this is just temporary... there is light at the end of the tunnel.. dont give up.. you will have a life soon. Link to comment
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