Staying with family for a few days after fight, don't know what to do next

[bananashampoo]

I have left my boyfriends to stay with my family for a few days after we had a fight. It wasn't a particularly bad fight in relation to what we usually fight about but I felt like it was just too much to handle so I left. I have multiple stresses in my life right now and he is aware of all of them. I told him when I'd be back.

 

We had a fight because I told him that it is unacceptable to get mad at someone for not wanting to have sex. It snowballed from there and with all my stress and such I got really upset, I apologized over text the same day I left. It has been so bad I haven't been going to work or to school because I'm so stressed and worried about my life.

 

Now after a few days of me being away he is displaying guilting behaviours telling me I should have apologized better and that I should have come to talk to him about it instead of staying over at my parent's house. He did say, when I told him I was thinking about staying over at my parents house, that he doesn't think it's the best thing for our relationship but that it would be the best thing for me. I thought that was reasonable. I told him I was staying anyway.

 

This is what he said:

 

I don't like that you made the decision to be away, which affects us both, without even talking to me about it. You just kind of let me sort it out that you were gone. Then when I asked you about it directly, you wouldn't really answer, and finally got annoyed that I was asking. Like it is weird to want to know if your girlfriend is coming home.

 

You like about yourself that you are mercurial, but this isn't all mercurial and charming. The liberties you are taking and harmful to us. To me.

 

I get that you didn't know all this. I told you that you being gone was bad for us, but I know it didn't sink in. I guess that's one thing about you leaving, it means you don't know what is going on at home.

 

The worst part is, I don't see this playing out all happy and positively. You leave, make me feel sad and betrayed, then tomorrow I'm supposed to swallow my feelings and say welcome home and make you dinner and hang out and be happy like nothing happened? And you still don't offer to come home now, even after I say all this, because you 'feel like you have to be away'. I feel like I don't know how to pick up the pieces of your mess and also appear for your sake to be cool about it.

 

What do I do? I'm at my wits end. He makes everything into my fault and I don't know how to deal with it. I have spoken about him in this forum before and I have been told to leave him, but Its come to the point where I just don't know if he's being abusive or if I'm just a terrible person and deserve it.

[Willywagtail]

'I'm being a terrible person and deserve it'

....... how?? By telling him how you feel? By telling him it's not appropriate to get angry with you if you don't feel like sex?

 

I looked very briefly at your other posts and he sounds immature and entitled to me.

 

May I say that nothing will ever be good enough for him -

 

You apologize - and you could have apologized better

You decide to take some time out - you're wrong because he feels sad and hurt

You fight - and he makes it all your fault

 

Your guts are telling you something. They're telling you that you feel confused, gaslighted, stressed and anxious. Who mostly creates these feelings for you? Your BF. It's moving pretty close to emotional abuse, I would suggest.

[redswim30]

....... how?? By telling him how you feel? By telling him it's not appropriate to get angry with you if you don't feel like sex?

 

I looked very briefly at your other posts and he sounds immature and entitled to me.

 

May I say that nothing will ever be good enough for him -

 

You apologize - and you could have apologized better

You decide to take some time out - you're wrong because he feels sad and hurt

You fight - and he makes it all your fault

 

Your guts are telling you something. They're telling you that you feel confused, gaslighted, stressed and anxious. Who mostly creates these feelings for you? Your BF. It's moving pretty close to emotional abuse, I would suggest.

 

^ALL of this. KEEP re-reading this, OP.

[bananashampoo]

It's true. I realized he does three abusive things to me, he gaslights me, criticizes me, and he guilts me in order to control me.

 

It's very strange though because he is very good at pretending to be the martyr, no matter what I do he says I don't put I'm nearly as much effort as him. He says that it's my job to not accept things while he keeps trying constantly.

 

 

Last night he said he doesn't know how to act when I get back so I told him we could meet somewhere else. To him that's unacceptable too. Then I say do you just want me to get my stuff and leave and he asked is that what I want to do and I said yes because why would I want to be with someone who guilts me constantly and makes me feel like crap. Then he hung up. He called me back and said sorry I didn't mean to hang up, then acted nice and ignored what I said. It could have been innocent but I feel like he's manipulating me.

 

What's the best way to break up with someone you live with?

[mhowe]

To get your things and move back with your family. You don't need his okay to do so.

This is your life... Your decision. If he isn't treating you with respect...leave.

[redswim30]

It could have been innocent but I feel like he's manipulating me.

 

What's the best way to break up with someone you live with?

 

YES. He IS manipulating you. And very sorry, OP, but that is CLASSIC abuser behavior. Be incredibly mean, then pretend like nothing happened. Also, the whole everything is everyone's else's fault except for his.

 

This is emotional abuse.

 

Get yourself safe first. Make a plan of where to stay. Then break up, take someone with you to help you move out.

If you are really concerned, you can get a safety guard, police officer, or another protective resource to ensure your safety.

[overthemoon86]

I agree with everyone else, this is an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship with all the points said above. You don't deserve to be treated that way and clearly he doesn't repsect you. It's all very selfish. You need to get your things, stay with your parents, and break up with him. He is going to push back so be strong and firm in your decision.