I don't know how to move forward after this breakup

[TinaM]

Hi everyone, I've been lurking on here a little bit and thought I'd post.

 

Just under a month ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. We'd been dating for about a year. He is 37 I am 33.

 

I felt we had a great relationship. I honestly felt he was "the one" and we were on our way to moving in and eventually getting married. I never pushed him to do those things, he had always been the one to talk about moving in and he and I spent time talking about how we'd raise our kids even. Several weeks before the breakup, we travelled together on a cruise where we spent more than a week together 24/7 and we had a great time - we both came back speaking about how nice a time we'd had. Three weeks later, he'd broken up with me. We got along so well, spent a lot of time together, could finish each others' sentences; literally know what the other person was thinking...

 

It really shocked me and I still feel like I am in a daze.

 

About five months ago he broke up with me saying he didn't know he "felt enough". It had been a shock to me then as well, and I'd been a wreck. But by that same evening he'd phoned me quite hysterical and said he'd made the stupidest mistake ever and couldn't believe what he'd done. He said he'd scared himself and wanted to be with me in a committed relationship. We'd had no issues since then.

 

He couldn't really give me a "reason" for breaking up, just that he said he didn't feel motivated enough to move the relationship forward and didn't know he "felt enough" (again). The reality is he is a very particular person who has very specific ideas about the kind of person he wants to be with, and he says I met everything. He said things to me like, "don't you think I know how hard it'll be to go back out there and find someone else like you?" To which I replied that I was right here, not understanding why he could suddenly say crap like "he felt he loved me, but wasn't in love with me," etc.

 

I didn't take it well and I did all those early mistakes like calling to see if he really wanted this, crying, etc. Part of the problem is that even though I attempted to go NC we work close to each other downtown and I have already run into him. It is bound to happen again no matter what I want.

 

I told him to bring my stuff back and leave it for me on my porch. He didn't. I purposely met up with him last week after work to give him back some things of his and he made no effort to part from seeing me and told me he had held on to my stuff because it seemed wrong to bring it back. He said he still had our picture up on his fridge, he still checked on whatsapp just to see my last login time, and he told me he had been following me on linkedin and facebook, researched my new job, etc.

 

But he also told me he's got an online dating profile - that was devastating.

 

I've started seeing a therapist because the pain I'm feeling from this breakup is just excruciating. I feel like I can't wrap my head around why he'd breakup with me when he flat out told me how much he loved being with me as he was breaking up with me. And when we met that day he said he was happy to see me and it was comfortable and he was glad. He even hugged me goodbye, clasped my hand tightly and we kissed - but then this weekend he came by and dropped my things off while I wasn't home - and I see him online on the dating site.

 

What he says gives me hope for a reconciliation, but I'm scared he's going to start dating and forget about me. I don't contact him, and every time I try to get my head straight about moving on, I keep thinking about how he'll come back... He's 37 but yet I'm the longest most serious relationship he's had and I suggested at one point a long time ago he may not know exactly how good this is. I do know. I was married before for several years and then divorced. I've had a few long-term relationships since.

 

He tells me he'll be coming by this weekend to drop off a blender he forgot to bring back and all I can think about is after that, I'll never see him again. I'm terrified. I want to move on but I don't. How the hell do I do this??

[mhowe]

You show him what his life is like without you in in. Stop posting on social media...call your friends to catch up. Change up your routine at work..where you get coffee or lunch..how you commute. Stop the kissing, hugging and hand holding.

 

He has made his choice...let him live with it.

[shellyf62]

Welcome to ENA.

 

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but he has broken up with you twice now. Do you really want to get back together & have a third breakup in the back of your mind? Could you really trust him to commit to a future with you?

 

He is saying all the "right" things to you, but then putting up a dating profile. This speaks volumes. He is ready to start dating & finding someone new, not staying single.

 

All I can suggest is stop looking at his dating profile and take time to heal and be kind to yourself.

[sky09]

I want to move on but I don't. How the hell do I do this??

 

Day by day. There is no instant gratification here, unfortunately. I still remember how broken and pathetic I was when she left. Needless to say, I've made a lot of classical mistakes before joining this forum. Read, and then read some more.

He lost his "romantic" feelings for you, and it's only been a year. He might've met or received some attention from somebody else and it "felt" different than being with you. It's good that it happened now and not when you had a couple of kids, mutual assets, and other stuff together. In a way, be grateful. One of these days, when you're not in the fog anymore, you will see more clearly that this was for better.

That doesn't mean you won't love him anymore. We will always love the ones we've been with. We'll just have more self-respect to not let ourselves be dragged thru something like this again. That is, of course, if you take this situation seriously and learn about yourself, about what went wrong, what changes need to be made, etc. Once you do, you might not even want to be with that person ever again.

[mhowe]

Six months in, he broke up. Panicked and came running back.

Now...six more months. And just after a vacation.

 

He may be one of those who does not know how to get beyond the beginning.

 

But ultimately it doesn't matter because you don't want to sign up again and have him bolt for the door in six months.

[Willywagtail]

I think he's a commitment phobe and he just can't stand anything that gets to the point of intimacy.

 

Now that he' decimated you for the second time, he thinks you can just continue as friends so he feels good (and not guilty) and he doesn't have to worry his poor little head about commitment. Sorry, but I think he's a loser. He's weak and doesn't have the balls to do the right thing - either commit to what seems like a great relationship or finish it completely. He wants to live in some never-never land that's somewhere in-between.

 

It's really hard, but you just need to stop the contact with him. Really go NC. Ask him to leave the blender on the porch and tell him you're out with friends.

 

I agree with mhowe, even if it's really hard and you're feeling super anguished, don't tell himhow you're feeling and don't have contact with him.

[annie24]

Well, basically he wants to keep you as a backup, while he goes out on online dates, and tries to see if he can do "better." But still wants you as his backup plan. Blah. that's what I say. Don't be his backup plan, or anyone else's backup. He doesn't feel "enough?" Ok, sad to hear that, but listen to that and move on....

[TinaM]

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

 

In the back of my mind, I think I do realize he's keeping me as a back-up should he be unable to find someone more "suitable". In reality, while I'm aware I am not every man's cup of tea, he and I were extremely well-matched. We complimented each other where it mattered, and were on the same page with respect to some really fundamental qualities. For example, we had matching energy levels, fitness habits, views on religion and politics; we were both conservative and serious, educated professionals, etc. I read his stupid dating profile and it's like he's searching for me...because he is. He's said so!

 

Apparently his mother is devastated he broke up with me and has been on his case for him to reconcile with me. He told me this, and then said, "I tell her you never know, who knows?"

 

It hurts to hear this, because I hold out hope - and I don't want to be the backup. Don't they say "don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option"? I think I have a lot to offer someone who will truly appreciate me; I'm smart, attractive, fit, educated, generous, kind and thoughtful. But he was all those things for me as well and I never connected with someone like I did with him. I can't imagine ever meeting someone who I could love more. I hate that I feel willing to degrade myself and accept being the backup just because I want to be with him so badly. I hope he goes on a multitude of unsuccessful dates which make him think about what he's lost with me. I feel pathetic. I hate feeling this way.

[mhowe]

Don't hold out hope. You would neither trust him or respect him if he came back to you when he couldn't find someone "better".

[Willywagtail]

I read his stupid dating profile and it's like he's searching for me...because he is. He's said so!

 

This happened to me too! It's a real downer isn't it?

 

It's like they believe they can find someone better than the reality that was you.

 

If it's any consolation, my ex has been searching for 4 years on dating sites for someone like me. Heh. Guess what? He ain't found her yet!

[TinaM]

Gollum, has he ever attempted to reconcile with you due to his lack of success?

[TinaM]

I just ran into him again downtown on the lunch hour.

 

I feel like I'm living in a nightmare...

[mhowe]

Downtown cannot be that small. Change up your routine...go to different places, bring your lunch.

[TinaM]

You wouldn't think so, but we work in office towers that are all connected by this underground walkway. There are only certain times of the day I can go out to do errands or walk around, and I needed to run some errands. It was already past the lunch rush when I ran into him. It's like there's no getting away from him unless I move! And I just got a new job which will put me into another office tower in the same vicinity. Short of staying inside my office like a hermit, I can't get away from him. I do bring my lunch and eat at my desk; I only go downstairs to walk or run errands. And it's just not fair to me to have to be stuck in my office all day, I'll go crazy.

[mhowe]

I was with my ex for 8 years...he cheated...we broke up.

He lives a mile from my house.

I changed restaurants... Changed were I shopped. In 15 years, I have run into him 4 times.

 

You will change your habits if you want to remain calm. No one said become a hermit. Avoid him until your emotional reaction to seeing him has lessened.

[Willywagtail]

Gollum, has he ever attempted to reconcile with you due to his lack of success?

 

No.

 

He ended then relationship and it would be a massive back flip on his part to do that. In any case, I can see through him now and wouldn't, 'no way Jose', be interested.