This is very long. But please please read.

[hearts11]

This is going to be long, but I feel like I need to tell the whole story to get good advice or opinions about what to do.

 

I have been dating my boyfriend (currently ex, I guess) for almost two years. We are extremely, extremely close. He is my best friend and our relationship was really strong. We currently are in a long distance relationship, but only about 2 hour away. I try to see him at least twice a month for 2 or 3 days at a time. We will be long distance for at least another 3 years while he is in med school and I start and complete occupational therapy school. Another important factor is our cultural difference. He is Indian and I am white. This is not a problem for me or him - however, a HUGE problem for his parents. We went undercover after his dad forced him to "break it off" with me. They do not accept me and have had the wrong idea about me from the beginning due to the fact that he has to lie to see me. I am not not a liar, I can't even tell a lie without smiling. I am very caring, honest, open, etc. So the fact they think I am a liar and horrible for their son is pretty sad. I legit would do anything for him and want the best for him. they think the opposite though.

 

The fact that we are both really open allows us to be really close. We know everything about each other and have great communication. Our relationship is based off trust and honesty. Now, I have some issues myself. I constantly have been doubting it, but this is just my personality. I am 21 years old, have been serious for 2 years and am now in a LDR. Obviously I need to think about the future because why would I stay in a LDR for so long if I couldn't see a future with him? I do, though. He is my first love though so it just makes me nervous. But of course, I doubt and have messed up thoughts and am use to being alone in my own depressed world, so I do struggle with doubts. But he knows all of this. The second I doubt it, the second he knows. When I am with him though I barely ever doubt it..this mostly stems when we are apart and I am avoiding my feelings. I tend to like to avoid my feelings and feel nothing, associate everything around me with no emotion, etc. But my boyfriend works me through my doubts and understands and thinks they are all normal. I should also mention we are each others best friend. I cannot stress how close we are.

 

Ok..now to the infidelty part. So as I mentioned, we tell each other everything. We are constantly in contact (when he isn't in class all day) and when we are home we skype or face time. Even if we aren't talking or are studying. We do it so we can feel close. Needless to say, we know what we are doing about 90% of the day. or so I thought. We even facetime when we are sleeping. So last weekend I went up and I was looking through his Ipad while he was in the bathroom. A new message popped up. "Hi we met on Okcupid." So naturally, I thought this was a joke! I was like HEY stop joking with me!! Then, I went to all his messages. and there were like 5 different numbers I didn't know and all were saying about ok CUPID or other stuff. Nothing was his usual talk with his friends, so I knew it wasn't them. So I start freaking out and he comes out of the bathroom and thats when I knew something was terribly wrong. terribly wrong. This is my boyfriend, of two years, who is so faithful and caring. who has been with me time in and time out and has had so many great times with me. I was SO confused. I started screaming. He first admitted he had been talking to girls but never did anything with them. then I demanded he let me go through the ipad. He wouldn't. I told him he better and so I started going through them and there were these messages from girls, some sending pics some not. Then I saw he sent a couple of pics of his privates to one girl. I lost it. I demanded to know everything. this is my boyfriend who legit no one would ever have suspected this!!!!

 

So he told me about a month ago he signed up for the site. He used to do this freshman year of college. He would talk to girls and if they mentioned "vid?" it meant they were up for video sex at some underground facility place. He would then drive there, someone brings him a video in a room and he video sexes another girl in another room. He did this freshman year of college and stopped and didn't do it sophomore year or hadn't done it when he meant me at all for the two years until the beginning of Jan after our school holiday breaks. He said he mentioned the APP to his friend as a joke and got curious. He said it is an urge he can't explain and a legit problem. that he loves me so much and he has no idea why he would do it. He said after he would cry himself to sleep or sit in his car crying. He said he would drink before and after and was in such a dark place. my boyfriend has never ever talked like that. When I express my depressed feeling he never really understood what it felt like to be in a dark place..and here was for the past month in such a dark place. He told me he did it 3 nights, twice each night. Each night was the same girl (so 3 girls total) so a total of 6 times. he said he would get the urge and then go and masterbate to the woman that asked to meet up, and then go cry and then get the urge again and go back and do it with the same girl.

 

Now the process of getting this all out was very difficult. not because he wanted to lie, but because he couldn't rememebr because he tried to forget. I do believe him because he has a very poor memory whereas I wanted to know every detail and would get frustrated when I'd catch him in his own lie. I also looked through his messages and he told me he did try to "Get off" one time to a girl on there, so all together he did this 7 times (6 video sex and one actual sexting) we decided. I get that the urge part was uncontrollable. I get thats a problem form his past. What I don't get is the fact he would actively text these women. One girl in particular I read the messages. She sent a pic and was not attractive (and I am a pretty generous person). He did say it was purely for sex. Anyways, in these messages were the two pictures I mentioned (this is the only girl he sent them too). He would say things like "beg for it" ..or like looking for attention and stuff. Then one said "you better make up for bailing on me"...and I was like wait...she bailed on the video place? and then I kept reading and it said..."ok here, ok took a wrong turn". I quickly realized this wasn't at the video place. then he admitted he was going to meet up with one girl. yes I believe him it was only one of the girls. He said the first time she bailed on him and the second time (this is the same night) he pretended to take the wrong turn because he couldn't do it.

 

So, I know this technically isn't cheating but I am beyond hurt. The girlfriend part of me is disgusted and the friend part of me is sooo soo sad he couldn't talk to me. I just picture him bawling his eyes out...and that is not my boyfriend at all. The urges that he gets and feeling out of control I do understand because I have had my own share of issues with losing control on things. What i cant fathom is the fact he would text them and say like beg for it or oh you better mak up for it..or the fact he almost cheated on me. the fact he could go and drive to meet up with someone who he even agreed was not even close to being attractive. He gets he has a problem. or had. or whatever. but during this time like I had NOOO idea. which is so weird becaue I catch on to everything. He said he would do it at like 3 or 4 in the morning when our connection got lost. A few times he did go while I was in clas and would say he was at the gym or sleeping. I am so hurt he lied. This is honestly not like my boyfriend at all. I knew his past was filled with a lot of women with weird situations...but this is the one thing he never mentioned...and so I had no idea it could even happen (I mean the whole going to masterbate with another girl). I am so hurt and confused. He is going to get help. and I am going to come to one sessions. I know I need help to but I refuse to go to someone. I am sorry this is so long but I can't tell anyone else about this becaue I would feel horrible exposing his secret. So i am goign to tell people the distance got the best of us. I may tell my girl bestfriend that he did something wrong but I will never say what.

 

It is a very unique cheating experience..so I just don't know what to think or how to move past it. I miss him and for that reaon want him back but then I get really obssesive over the details. I tear him down when i know I shouldn't. He is a mess, he loves me and I know that. He wnats to spend his life with me despite his parents and I know deep down this kid loves me more than anything. as i love him more than anything. But we have fought for soooo mcuh in our relationship, his parents - the distance - my doubts...and now it feels all ruined? How could i even start to get trust back when I am not there? Like when do you give up? I always say like it feels like things aren't meant to be. Hetellls me tht jut because they aren't meant to be doesn't mean they can't be. But now this, everything we worked for, is gone.

 

 

I also need to mention that he says it has nothing to do with us. That he just cant control himself. when he downloaded the app it was right after break so we barely saw each other cause his cousin from india was here and he had to lie to come and see me. When I do see him on the weekend we have sex at least 2 or 3 times a day for every day I am there. He went to the place all in the week AFTER break, then I came up the next weekend, and that following Tuesday he sexted her. The following week (last week) was when he went to cheat. Meanwhile he was coming down to see me on that wednesday. When we video chat we have sex every once in a while but are still very sexual about it. I know he has a problem...but I said to him..if you were horny, why didn''t you come to me??? He is going to figure it out at therapy because I am convicned it has to do with us. I think he misses that new expereince of getting off to someone else. I told him multiple times I miss like thhat pasionate feeling that fades after the honey moon period. Of course I get it back somtimes but most of the time my love for him is a deep deep COMPASSIONATE love. overall, I am really really confused.

 

I know I gave a ton of detail, but if you need more let me know. I just want you to understand fully our situation. but I am sure i am still missing details.

I am just so lost as to how this happened. He is too. I feel so bad because he is really really beating himself up. He knows he made the biggest mistake of his life. it doesn't even make sense because these girls are not attractive. I just can't stop picturing him touching himself to another girl or telling a girl to suck his or other sexual things that we do. I know none of it was in person but he came CLOSE to doing it. and for our relationship, it just doesn't make sense.

 

Thanks so much in advance!

[mhowe]

There is porn --- and there is connecting with live women. HUGE difference.

 

You say you don't lie and that your relationship is based on trust and honesty.

Your relationship is based on lies. He is lying to his parents that he is involved with you. And when he finishes med school and they choose him a wife, you will be left by the wayside.

 

There is another thread on here by mehr that details your scenario. He got on a plane, after a 4 yr relationship, and got married within 2 weeks.

 

But, again -- -to your point. You can now see --- he is a liar.

[hearts11]

I think you are confused. Just because he is Indian doesn't mean he is a part of an arranged marriage. That is mostly Hindu or muslim. of which he is neither. His entire family and distance family was not an arranged marriage except his one set of grandparents who never left India... so while I appeciate your response..I do not think you understand the depths of our relationship and instead responded to a cultural difference that I do not see as a problem. I could very well go and read about a girl who got left along because they chose him a wife. but that would be extremely irrevalent to my situation.

 

Also, his arranged grandparents are the people in his family who love me the most. So please learn that just because you are Indian does not mean you get an arranged marriage. Now a days the percentage is extremely small nor is it a part of the sikh religion. but hey thanks for the response?

[jimthzz]

Um, you two clearly have a different regard for what you think of as a serious relationship.

 

He is filling his time with, at least, some kind of online wanking with other women.

 

You are filling your time missing him.

 

BTW, how are his grades? I understand med school is quite time consuming.

 

I think you ought to re-examine your level of commitment to him. You two are not on the same page.

[mhowe]

But we have fought for soooo mcuh in our relationship, his parents, the distance

 

You have NOT fought his parents --- he lies about your existence.

 

He compartmentalizes:

 

His parents don't know about you.

 

You have fought the distance? Maybe YOU have ---- he wanks off with local women.

 

You don't know about his infidelity issues of long standing.

 

I would suspect that where there is this much smoke ---- there are raging fires.

[mhowe]

So, his parents don't approve of YOU ---- not that you are a white woman?????

[hearts11]

His grades are really good. Yes I get that we are two different pages. but he did go 20 months of not cheating on me? Is that not to account for anything? I get where you are coming from..and I agree in that sense that something went wrong..and which is why he is getting help

[hearts11]

No it is both. and honestly. his parents have nothing to do with this. My point in my reply to you was that just because you are indian doesn't mean you get an arranged marriage. It depends on your religion too

[mhowe]

I get that --- so more to my point(s):

 

He lies to his parents about his relationship with you.

He lies to you about his "habit" of masterbating (seriously) in person with other women.

 

Do you not think that lying is not part of his character?

 

The point is not his parents nor his cheating. The point is you think he is a man of character and integrity. And in fact, lying is a huge part of his character.

[mhowe]

His grades are really good. Yes I get that we are two different pages. but he did go 20 months of not cheating on me? Is that not to account for anything? I get where you are coming from..and I agree in that sense that something went wrong..and which is why he is getting help

 

. I do believe him because he has a very poor memory whereas I wanted to know every detail and would get frustrated when I'd catch him in his own lie.

 

 

NO ONE in med school, who is getting really good grades, has a poor memory. It is one of the most memory intensive graduate schools. Learning every bone/muscle/ligament in the human body requires extraordinary memory skills.

 

He was just getting caught in his web of lies.

[jimthzz]

I get that --- so more to my point(s):

 

He lies to his parents about his relationship with you.

He lies to you about his "habit" of masterbating (seriously) in person with other women.

 

Do you not think that lying is not part of his character?

 

The point is not his parents nor his cheating. The point is you think he is a man of character and integrity. And in fact, lying is a huge part of his character.

 

I agree, none of this is new behavior. It is NEW to you knowing a small piece of it.

[hearts11]

Yes. I can see that now. But for his parents we really don't have a choice and it crushes him. Its either lie to them or I can tell. As for his habits, he did lie for the past month and did not mention it as part of his past. BUT aside from that, I know everything else from his past. esp about his sex habits. I guess he is not as honest a person as a I thought. But i still cannot discredit the past two years over one month of lies. Its not like he spent those nights happy he was getting off to other people. He had his urge, took care of it, and cried himself into misery because he felt disguisting. He would drink by himself and questions what the hell was wrong with him. I guess I know what its like to do things you know aren't right and are going to hurt those you love. I understand the feeling of lack of control to the point of like goign crazy....but yes thank you good point.

[hearts11]

I mean that he isn't the kind of person who says "yes i texted you at 2 pm on Friday after I ate a sandwich with mustard on it. Which is the details I were looking for. I wanted to know what exact time what exact day..and it was 3 week prior to when he actually did the video sex...so thats like asking you who exactly you were texting 3 weeks ago and what time and what did u respond

[mhowe]

Of course he has a choice on whether to be honest with his parents.

 

"Aside from that" ---- hearts11....you have NO idea what else he has kept from you.

 

Not as honest as you thought? There are not degrees of honesty.

 

It's not like he didn't do it the week he was coming to see you!!!! And you believe he cried? He cried in front of you because you caught him!!!

[Dcgent]

You can remain with him and accept the fact that he will cheat on you in the future. The foundation has already been set, that he can do this and you will find it acceptable by continuing on with him and forgiving him. He keeps you a secret from his family (which is ridiculous and you should move on from this fact alone) and he keeps his interactions with other women a secret. So he is pretty good at keeping his sexual exploits a secret. Do you think he is so honest that he would have just told you if you didn't find out yourself?

 

He is not respecting you, his family would not respect you and by letting all of this happen, you are not respecting yourself and your self worth is being hit with heavy discounts as the secrets and lies add up. Why not find someone that respects you? I know, you are young and it is your first love and you can accomplish anything in the world with love...

 

Your choice...continue to be disrespected, or find respect in yourself and stop tolerating such behavior. I think you need to step away from the situation and look at it from a more logical, rational point of view.

 

Good luck!

[hearts11]

No he doesn't? Its "Be honest with them or lose me". There was never a both and he loved me to much because he knows eventually they will come around to it. When he did come hoenst his dad forced him to "break up" with me and tracked every single phone he ever made. they threated to come live with him for the rest of the year...so yeah...he had no choice there.

 

and ...i do believe him that he cried. I am not stupid of course he is even more he is upset I found out but i know what our relationship has entailed and everything he has done to keep it and how much he loves me. This kid would take a bullet for me in a heart beat. He didn't have to stay with me when he found out about my bad past, he didn't have to stay with me when his dad said break it off, or when he went to med school. I know you think you know everything about our relationship. and I know you might think I am being naive and to the extent that he ed up badly, I am, but i believe that the past 20 months were not lies.

[shessofly]

so then you are here because??? you want to know how to get past it? forgive him and i guess *try* to forget it ever happened...give him back your full trust - but how can you do that when you know deep down inside that you will always wonder what's going on when you are not around. that's a tough one.

[mhowe]

His parents are NOT going to come around. When they find out (not if) they will be ANGRIER and will blame YOU. They will not forget your bad past and simply reinforce that you are not worthy of their son.

 

You are simply prolonging the inevitable.

[Unreasonable]

There's way too much questionable and flat out wrong things going on here for me to put up with. I'd walk away, and that's really all I think needs to be said. Good luck to you.

[hearts11]

And I care why? Whether his parents hate my guts or not has nothing to do with whether I can still be with him? I am also confused, they do not know that I use to have a bad past (of which is an eating disorder? so?) so i am confused why you thhink they knw that. whether his parents think i am worthy of their son or not does not matter. Again, he is not muslim or hindu so his religion is against setting people up for marriage.

[hearts11]

ok thank you for your advice!

[mhowe]

His religion is immaterial. He is not strong enough nor mature enough to stand up to his parents. They dislike you...for whatever reason(s)...and when they find out...whether it be in two months or two years that their beloved son has been lying to them since they tried to break you guys up...they will blame the deceit on you.

 

They can certainly make their weak son NOT marry you. Why...because he can't stand up to them. That is a proven fact.

[hearts11]

haha. a proven fact? actually the part I left out is that they found out last monday. Yes, his dad stopped talking to him for a week. but then they talked and although his dad does not approve and will not be visiting him anymore in med school, he said the fact he is getting good grades and doing well says something. Yes, they still shot me down and said he should be with someone better. and yes they once again said break up with me, but he told his dad he would not and his dad simply said he will not visit him anymore. they still talk on the phone. so. Yes i left out that fact for reasons i don't know why.

but it is not a proven fact he cannot stand up to them..and somehow I cannot believe that from someone who can assume every Indian person gets an arranged marriage..I am not sure where this "proven fact" you say comes from...so at this point, I thank you for all your advice. i am sure I am being naive. I know that. and I am sure you have worlds of experience on me. But I did not come to this thread to be treated like a complete idiot nor do I appreciate it. I respect your opinions and will take them into consideration. Right now I am going to finish therapy with him and go from there..whether that be with him or without him. no matter what, his Indian background will not play a factor into my decision.

 

**found out AGAIN i should say.

[mhowe]

You are blowing my original assumption into something to focus on so you don't have to focus on reality.

 

And you "somehow" forgot to mention that in your original post and every subsequent one? Hmm.

 

Your bf is conflict avoidant and lies in order to coved any behavior that will raise conflict. Either with you or his parents. So...bring that up in therapy.

 

You might also look into CBT...as changing any behaviour that has been ingrained for years is very difficult to change (note his return to his masturbation habits with real people even though he was in a loving relationship).

 

I never said you were naive, nor an idiot. Those are your words.

[Clinton]

All I will say is you are very nieve about cheating. No one confesses unless they are caught and you never get the full story.

 

A lot of people do the whole I really love you and it was just a couple of times and I'll never do it again because I love you routine when they get nailed.

 

There usually isn't a lot of truth behind those words.

 

You've made up your mind about it though, so no sense continuing on here. Go do what you are going to do. And realise if it goes badly, you'll be ok in time.