struggling to take things slow with ex

[Natmendez]

My ex and I were broke up for 2 months and a week ago we decided to exclusively date. She broke up with me to begin with because I had trust issues from a past relationship and she also said she lost herself through out our almost 2 year relationship. Well this whole week of taking things slow was good in the beginning but now it has turned sour. Mostly on my side of things. I feel like I put more effort in communicating with her. When we text her answers are short or she takes awhile to respond. Also, we don't ever talk on the phone. Times that I have tried to call her she says that she's with a friend and would rather text. But times that's she's alone she doesn't call me. Yesterday I had an emotional melt down because I feel like I care about this more than she does and it hurts. I want to be apart of her everyday life. We have seen each other three days in a row and that was nice, but when she leaves it's like I hardly hear from her. She told me yesterday that she's scared things will turn to S*** if we just go back to the way things were and she doesn't want that to happen. I understand that and I don't want things to go back to exactly the way things were, but i do want more from her. When I'm with her she always has her phone within arms reach and if someone texts her she responds immediately, but when I text her it takes her awhile to get back to me. She also told me yesterday that she got used to us not talking for awhile but that she would put more effort into communicating with me. I told her it shouldn't require effort you should just want to do it. Anyway she told me loves me and wants to start a new life but still just wants to take things slow right now. I want that too but i also just want to be closer to her and not feel like im here at her disposal. I don't feel needed or as important anymore and that really hurts.

[mhowe]

Taking things slowly does not mean constant contact. And her wording of the reason for the break up was that she lost herself in the relationship translates into...the relationship was too much of her life. I would guess you are both young. She wants to have a life that includes other things besides being focused on just the relationship.

 

And it sounds like you only want to be with her. Try to develop your own life.

[Dcgent]

Let's call a spade a spade here. You do not want to take things slow with her, you want her to be at your disposal. Your trust issues are still strong and you expect her to respond to all of your texts/calls without a delay. You are not respecting her space and quite frankly she is right to state that she is worried the relationship will return to Sh.... It will. She is smart here. You need to figure out yourself and respect yourself before you can provide anyone with respect. You are way too dependent on her right now and I can only imagine that is a huge turn off for her. I know I would want to break 100% free from someone with such depends and insecurities. I was once in a relationship where my girlfriend at the time expected I would respond to texts or calls immediately. It is as if my life did not matter. If I needed alone time, or if I was busy, I didn't want to get involved in a phone call or text discussion. From how you describe the situation, I have zero confidence in their being a healthy relationship between you two blossoming out of this. Figure out yourself and come to peace with yourself and then pursue a healthy relationship... Good Luck.

[Cadence44]

My ex and I were broke up for 2 months and a week ago we decided to exclusively date. She broke up with me to begin with because I had trust issues from a past relationship and she also said she lost herself through out our almost 2 year relationship. Well this whole week of taking things slow was good in the beginning but now it has turned sour.

 

So you agreed to take things slow?

 

I feel like I put more effort in communicating with her. When we text her answers are short or she takes awhile to respond. Also, we don't ever talk on the phone. Times that I have tried to call her she says that she's with a friend and would rather text. But times that's she's alone she doesn't call me.

 

Has it occurred to you that her definition of taking things slow may differ from yours? Your communication needs sounds relationship-level. People who are dating don't necessarily talk or even check in every day. It sounds like you might be smothering her, and she feels like if she communicate as often as you want, it's like you just jumped right back into a relationship, which she told you she didn't want.

 

Why aren't you listening to her or prioritizing her wants and needs? Why are yours more important? I have a feeling that this behavior of yours is behind the original breakup.

 

Yesterday I had an emotional melt down because I feel like I care about this more than she does and it hurts. I want to be apart of her everyday life.

 

How does being a part of her everyday life = taking it slow? A boyfriend is a part of everyday life, a person she is dating is not. She told you she didn't want to jump back into things. It's pretty obnoxious that you're ignoring that really crucial piece of information.

 

I feel like you are feeling so insecure and needy that you have totally lost sight of what you agreed to - taking it slow. You read her not wanting to communicate on your schedule as rejection, then you get insecure, panic, and begin to resent her for not doing what you want her to do.

 

What if she just doesn't want to communicate with you? So what? You're the one placing all sorts of meaning onto it.

 

Did the two of you ever talk about how often you'd communicate? Because this may be one grand miscommunication because you're both just making assumptions that have never been cleared with the other, and then both of you are disappointed because you have expectations of the other person that neither one knows about.

 

We have seen each other three days in a row and that was nice, but when she leaves it's like I hardly hear from her. She told me yesterday that she's scared things will turn to S*** if we just go back to the way things were and she doesn't want that to happen.

 

Roughly translated to "You are smothering me and acting like my boyfriend, and I didn't want that. Please stop acting like my boyfriend because that scares me and makes me nervous, so I avoid communicating with you hoping you'll get the message but you don't."

 

I understand that and I don't want things to go back to exactly the way things were, but i do want more from her.

 

Tough - you agreed to take it slow. It doesn't matter what you want, you need to hold up your end of the bargain or you will be left with nothing. You are being needy and it is making it so you cannot see past the end of your own nose.

 

When I'm with her she always has her phone within arms reach and if someone texts her she responds immediately, but when I text her it takes her awhile to get back to me.

 

Because she is trying to get you to back off. She doesn't need to do that with other people.

 

She also told me yesterday that she got used to us not talking for awhile but that she would put more effort into communicating with me.

 

So push things faster than she's comfortable with. That sounds like a winning strategy for reconciliation.

 

I told her it shouldn't require effort you should just want to do it.

 

*headdesk*

 

This is teenage girl reasoning. OP, have you ever heard of giving someone space to miss you? That keeping distance allows them the emotional space to miss you? And that makes them want to talk to you? Because you're doing the opposite, being demanding, and then wondering why she doesn't want to talk to you. You are your own worst enemy, and you need to get a clue quickly or this will all fall apart.

 

Anyway she told me loves me and wants to start a new life but still just wants to take things slow right now. I want that too but i also just want to be closer to her and not feel like im here at her disposal. I don't feel needed or as important anymore and that really hurts.

 

Roughly translated: I have some bad feelings about being separated from her so I want her to ignore her own needs and solve those bad feelings for me by being available to me on my schedule. Even though I agreed to take it slow, I'm feeling needy and I want her to make it better. I am effectively steamrolling over her needs and acting like she's being selfish, and cannot see how selfish I am being because I am so insanely needy right now.

 

Dude, you're going to blow this. You need to get a grip and honor your agreement. You need to back way off. Tell her you've realized you've been pushy, and you're going to back off and she can call or text when she wants. And in that time, you need to find ways to soothe yourself. Separation makes you anxious, independent of whatever woman you are with. It's not her job to make you feel better. It's your job, and trying to hand it over to someone else is way too much pressure, and it is keeping you from getting what you want. Open your eyes and change your ways, quickly.

[shessofly]

your trust issues and her need to find herself have not been resolved in 2 months time. being needy, clingy and overly emotional is going to drive the nail into the coffin of the already fragile remnants of your relationship. i say back off lots, give her space and relax. find some other things to do - new friends, hobbies, etc., so your focus isn't on her all hours of the day. you don't want to seem like you're at her disposal at all times...then don't be. things may still not work out, but you will surely speed up the re-breakup process the way you're handling things at the moment.

[Natmendez]

The only way I know how to back off is by no contact and I don't want to ignore her, but I know at this time I want more from her and I don't know how to take things slow without feeling some sort of rejection. I am aware I over analyze certain things, but I have never dated anyone. It's always been a relationship right after a few hook ups. I know I need to get a grip if I want things to work out between us. It's just that the night we got together we hooked up and since then when I see her she tells me she loves me we kiss and she calls me honey and acts like my gf. All of those things make it hard for me to accept that she wants to take things slow. I'm thinking of packing up and moving. I have no ties to anything other than family. I'm lost.

[shessofly]

you don't have to ignore her completely, maybe just decrease contact and give her a chance to initiate something. i think the way you are feeling, may be a signal that you know she's not really "into" this as much as you'd initially thought. she has said she lost herself and is trying to get back into the swing of things so i find it odd that she would suggest (or was it you?) getting back together and taking things slowly. were you in contact the whole 2 months between the breakup and now? were you begging or trying to manipulate your way back into a relationship with her?

 

maybe a fresh start is in order. only you can decide what's best for you...but maybe some time off from her to get to the root of your trust issues and put things into perspective would be more beneficial to you than trying to resurrect your old relationship...i don't think 2 months is enough time. she is distant because she still feels the same way she did when she broke up with you. i assume contact has been pretty consistent throughout this entire time. maybe it's time to walk away...

 

also, maybe starting a relationship after a few hookups isn't such a good idea either. get to know someone before hopping into the sack and then starting up a relationship hoping it will work out. try something different, ya know?

[mhowe]

and I don't know how to take things slow without feeling some sort of rejection

 

Then you need to work on this. Because most relationships do not go from "hook up" to relationship right away.

[Natmendez]

After the break up she wanted to remain friends, but I couldn't just be her friend. Anyway we weren't in constant communication. The longest we went without talking was 2 weeks, but other than that it was a text or call here and there. I started coming around with the friend thing and we hung out every now and then. She started communicating with me more there after and one night she came to visit me at work and we had along talk about everything. She said she wasn't happy without me and she missed me blah, blah, blah. She had a hickie on her neck and I asked her about it. She said she felt bad about it but i told her not to because we weren't together and its none of my business. This back and forth is re-opening all the wounds that had slightly healed over the past two months.

[Dcgent]

It sounds like you are full of anxiety. Do you happen to run? If you run, do you happen to run for more than 5 miles? Do you do any sort of physical exercise for extended periods of time on a daily basis to work this anxiety out. Just hearing your anxiety issues is making me want to lace up my running shoes right now and go for a 5+ mile run despite the freezing rain outside....

[Dcgent]

She had a hickie on her neck and I asked her about it. She said she felt bad about it but i told her not to because we weren't together and its none of my business./QUOTE]

 

I am now assuming you guys are quite young. This alone would have me looking towards the future without her and not looking back.

[Natmendez]

She had a hickie on her neck and I asked her about it. She said she felt bad about it but i told her not to because we weren't together and its none of my business./QUOTE]

 

I am now assuming you guys are quite young. This alone would have me looking towards the future without her and not looking back.

 

I am 25 she's 24.

[Glen1987]

You need to slow things down mate. Id give anything to have the second chance you've got, but to me it seems like you're being a bit silly and throwing it all away.

Let her go at her own pace, you've seen her 3 days in a row, that's awsome. She's probably trying to get a feel for the relationship again and you need to let her do that. Do ask for too much too soon.