I found out me boyfriend has a dating site account...am I in the wrong here?

[Gaynor]

Basically he is my ex and we got back in contact just before Xmas. It's all a bit complicated but I suspect him of cheating whilst we were together, and when we split up we were in the process of getting back together and he gave me up to go with another woman. His nana has just died so in have tried to be there for him recently. I went round there last night and he was showing me his phone and I saw he had the plenty of fish app..he couldn't deny it so he said he'd just been looking about..well of course this made a huge bad atmosphere and I was expected to drop the subject which I did. When he was at the toilet I looked at his phone and saw his profile, it said he was looking for a relationship etc..although no messages had been exchanged. After a while I couldn't help myself and I made a remark I said I feel like he's just looking for someone else and using me until something better comes along. Well he told me to get out his house and never call him again...my taxi wasn't due for an hour so I had to walk the streets in the dark for a while and he's never texted since. Also I realised something else later, I once caught him in a sex hookup site and he said it was his mate not him and denied all knowledge..but his username was the same. Am I right in thinking he's not to be trusted? Even though he hadn't messaged anyone the intention was there I think.

[pippy longstocking]

Your gut is screaming at you here ... telling you its all wrong ...

 

there is nothing yo have said that makes me think this will be a good ending ...

 

You need to gather up your pride and self respect and walk away from him and never ever look back .

[Gaynor]

I just feel bad about it somehow, like I shouldn't have said anything especially as he is recently bereaved...but iv barely said anything about the other woman since we started meeting up again.he gets annoyed if I ever try to talk about anything. I was thinking of sending some explanation in a text but I dunno..you're right, maybe I should just walk away.

[blueidealist24]

Drop him! He doesn't even feel guilty and is actually making you feel guilty, it sounds like, when it also sounds like you didn't do anything wrong!

[pippy longstocking]

I just feel bad about it somehow, like I shouldn't have said anything especially as he is recently bereaved...but iv barely said anything about the other woman since we started meeting up again.he gets annoyed if I ever try to talk about anything. I was thinking of sending some explanation in a text but I dunno..you're right, maybe I should just walk away.

 

 

you have nothing to feel bad about ,..yeah it is not good looking at someones private stuff ..it is the ruin of many of us .. how many times do you see it on here .. but none the less you did look .. he is clearly out there looking ...the last time you nearly got back he left you to pursue someone else ..I dont want to hurt you darling , but this man is using you as a stop gap in his dating life ...

 

he then kicks you out into the dark and you are left walking the streets and he hasnt even checked that you are ok ...can you see this darling .... you feel bad and are thinking of sending him an explanation ...SENDING HIM AN EXPLANATION ..the ass hasnt even checked to see if you made it home .....

 

no you are better than this gaynor ..he is using you to fill a gap ..you cought him out .. and he behaved like a pig .

 

please think this through before you get in touch to lay yourself out for this man to trample all over you again *hugs* and glad you are safe xx

[Gaynor]

Do you not think the fact he hadn't actually sent messages makes it better somehow? And I know were not officially back together so I guess he's a free agent..but it still feels wrong like he's just not to be trusted. He doesn't seem sorry about any if it just mad at me.

[pippy longstocking]

Do you not think the fact he hadn't actually sent messages makes it better somehow? And I know were not officially back together so I guess he's a free agent..but it still feels wrong like he's just not to be trusted. He doesn't seem sorry about any if it just mad at me.

 

oh darling ...youare trying to find something good in this situation ..and there isn't anything .. you have to focus on the whole thing as a big picture .. he has done it before ..you cought him on sex hook up sites , he is on pof , he kicked you out ... not sending a message is a small drop in a very big ocean ... because he will send a message ... or he wouldnt be on ... we dont get back with an ex by kicking them out and joining dating sites .

[Gaynor]

Thanks shooting star I think you are right. Unfortunately that is what he's doing I think. I'm not gonna text him.just felt like I should tell him how I feel about things but guess I tried to last night and he doesn't care. I feel like he must really have no feelings for me whatsoever. It hurts. And he's acted like he needs someone lately what with his nana dying so I have tried to help him. But things can't go on like this. He said last night that there's too much badness in our relationship now for it to work, but he's the one who has poisoned it not me. His behaviour makes me feel unhappy when I'm with him.

[pippy longstocking]

Thanks shooting star I think you are right. Unfortunately that is what he's doing I think. I'm not gonna text him.just felt like I should tell him how I feel about things but guess I tried to last night and he doesn't care. I feel like he must really have no feelings for me whatsoever. It hurts. And he's acted like he needs someone lately what with his nana dying so I have tried to help him. But things can't go on like this. He said last night that there's too much badness in our relationship now for it to work, but he's the one who has poisoned it not me. His behaviour makes me feel unhappy when I'm with him.

 

you are a nice person and to try and be there for him during his grieving process is very very kind of you ... there are a hundred of us just reading this I bet who wish they had someone this thoughtful . I know its a cliche but he doens't deserve this from you ..and you certainly dont deserve this ...I am sorry , and believe me I am an optimist and if I thought any of this was ok I would honestly be encouraging you to go for it ..but it makes painful reading .

[Gaynor]

Thank you.. I think I am a nice person and I do try to treat others well. In a way I felt uneasy about him leaning on me lately because I didn't feel I owed him anything and he can be a bit controlling...like last week he refused to take me out cos I wasn't ready early enough( it wasn't late) and the day after his nana died he sent a nasty text because I hadn't messaged good morning and asked how he was. I just feel uneasy about him and this just proves me right I guess. God knows what he had been up to.

[pippy longstocking]

Thank you.. I think I am a nice person and I do try to treat others well. In a way I felt uneasy about him leaning on me lately because I didn't feel I owed him anything and he can be a bit controlling...like last week he refused to take me out cos I wasn't ready early enough( it wasn't late) and the day after his nana died he sent a nasty text because I hadn't messaged good morning and asked how he was. I just feel uneasy about him and this just proves me right I guess. God knows what he had been up to.

 

 

oh good god ...bless your heart ...it is obvious that deep inside you , your intuition is screaming at you ...listen to it ....he is treating you like crap ...yes his nan died ..that is not a licence to treat anyone like this .

 

he is probably sat there as smug as you like expecting you to now kiss his ass to make it better ..... ggrrrrrrrrrr

[Gaynor]

Yeah I know. He told me never to contact him again though he seemed really mad. I just can't keep brushing things under the carpet and ignoring these issues. He won't discuss anything where he has to be held accountable. I guess technically he is single but surely he should not be on dating sites if he thought there was a chance for us or he cared for me. Argh my head is battered with it all feel so upset today xx

[lukeb]

When you're dating it is a good time to figure out what you are comfortable with and what your boundaries are. It is easy to see why he wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust him and need to check up and him. He made that abundantly clear. The question is why would you want to be with someone you don't trust, and never really trusted? Some people have dating apps on their phone and online profiles and don't think it is a big deal when you are dating and not exclusive, some people clearly do.

 

You could have stood your ground and made it clear that you were going to wait for a taxi, or have him drive you home if you had safety concerns, but he was probably right to kick you out for snooping through his phone. You guys have major trust, boundary, and compatibility issues and it is probably best to walk away. No need for apologies or explanations, best to make a clean break.

[pippy longstocking]

Yeah I know. He told me never to contact him again though he seemed really mad. I just can't keep brushing things under the carpet and ignoring these issues. He won't discuss anything where he has to be held accountable. I guess technically he is single but surely he should not be on dating sites if he thought there was a chance for us or he cared for me. Argh my head is battered with it all feel so upset today xx

 

 

aww darling xxxxx

 

yes technically he is single ... which makes this even worse ...can you imagine been a girl on the dating site receiving a mail off him , then finding out you ,his ex , is still in the picture and going round ... they would drop kick him in his nuts in seconds ..

 

it is hard to step out and see things for what they really are ... because then we have to face the truth , and that can hurt so bad ..it is actually more comfortable to go with the flow even though we know its wrong ... this is how I ended up with 12 years of abuse from 3 different men tucked under my belt ....I concocted all the " but ifs" you could ever come up with .

 

I say again to you darling ...his behaviour and his actions are cruel and you are setting yourself up for so much hurt .... you will get over him and you will find happiness , you will, one day , look back and wonder how the hell you put up with that you did .

 

you deserve to find your equal ..equal love and friendship , equal care and dedication and equal respect . I did ... it was the man who split with me that brought me here and although we are not together , I saw for the first time in my life was true love and respect actually is .

[Gaynor]

Yeah he's proved how much he cares for me and how little he respects me. Yes I shouldn't have looked at his phone but he was actually showing me it at first if I hadn't seen that app if never have done that. Anyway it proved my suspicions right. And still had no text from him to see if I got home ok. I still feel bad that this has happened when he's got so much going on. But guess he doesn't care much. You're right it must be nice to meet someone with whom these issues don't arise and mutual love and respect is there, I hope we both find it someday! Glad you refuse any more abuse good work xx

[greta96]

It's a good thing you looked at his phone, otherwise you would have still lied to yourself about him and you would have given him the benefit of the doubt, wasting precious time out of your life on this jerk. As much as I hate snooping without a reason, just because one is insecure, I'm starting to change my tune when it comes to people having strong gut feelings about something being wrong. It is naïve to hope that cheaters will come clean if confronted, some do, of course, but some will lie through their teeth to cover their behinds. And with online dating sites and sites like Ashley Madison, that put sexual variety and ease of meeting people willing to hook up at anyone's fingertips, sometimes one has to listen to their gut feeling and act on it, to protect themselves. So, don't beat yourself up for looking, you discovered something that helped you immensely.

 

Also, what kind of nasty moron yells at a woman to get out of his house, and lets her wander in the streets in the dark, without lifting a finger? He was ready to risk your life, only because he was angry you found out his little secret. He wasn't mad because you snooped, don't be naïve! He was mad because you found out, and he looked like an idiot. And he used the reverse psychology all cheaters do, they try to shift the blame, so that the partner ends up feeling bad, instead of the wrong doer, and the partner starts bending over backwards to "redeem" him/herself. Don't fall for it, it's a strategy and it borders on abuse.

 

He showed you who he was a long time ago, but you chose to ignore the red flag. You brushed off other signals that this guy was a jerk, and forgave him too easily for stuff that you shouldn't have. Now he showed you once again how little he cares about you, it's time to listen and end it with him once and for all. I agree, the fact that he was online while you were broken up doesn't mean he was cheating, but he had no intention to delete those apps, and he might have been on other hookup sites as well, that you don't know about, so at some point I bet he was going to cheat.

 

Let him go, don't feel bad and thank your lucky stars you're rid of him.

[Gaynor]

Thank you that really helps clarify things for me I believe you're right he's angry he was caught. If he was serious about me he would have no inclination to use those sights. I've kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt I've even tried to forget and excuse the fling he had with the other woman...but to me that shows deep down what he feels for me. I think he's a selfish person and he's been using me to give him attention somehow. The thing is I would have gotten back with him in time I think I was just seeing how things went and well this is the way they went. You're right I've already wasted nearly two years on him..we have been apart since last march really apart from these on and off periods when he has been otherwise engaged

[lukeb]

It was never a secret he had dating apps on his phone, and he never denied it. I'm not sure why anyone would say it was a good thing you snooped through his phone especially since you never found any evidence he cheated on you. What kind of a nasty moron tells a woman to get out of his house? Well a guy who is angry, for snooping through his phone, he wasn't mad that the OP found out about the apps, that was never a secret in the first place. So it is really up to you to look out for your own safety, and made sure you got a cab or a ride whatever it is you need to do. I agree with everyone though that you guys are finished, I'm not so sure it ever really started to begin with.

[pippy longstocking]

gaynor darling you did not deserve to be thrown out onto the streets ok ..please don't think this is in any way your fault xx

[Dixi]

Anger is no excuse for a total disregard of another persons safety. Keep walking and don't look back Gaynor.

[lukeb]

Anger is no excuse for a total disregard of another persons safety. Keep walking and don't look back Gaynor.

 

I agree, but it is the wrong take away to think that your safety is the bf's responsibility. Ultimately your safety is your own responsibility, and thinking back on what happened and realizing this makes you a more assertive and responsible person.

[Gaynor]

I don't hold him responsible for my safety..I am my own responsibility. Really I should never have gone there in the first place. I only went there to try to make him feel better and so he wouldn't have to be alone after his nana died. But it just turned into one horrible night. I think I am glad I know now that he's pursuing other women still because at least I know now it's just a matter of time before another opportunity arises for him to hurt me. Earlier on on the day, prior to my visit, he had made his own mother get out of his car at the roadside after an argument, and in his own words to me later, he screamed abuse from the car window at her. I guess he was just not in the best of moods yesterday!

[annie24]

He has an account on a dating site?? Dump him. he's looking for someone new, and you're just there until he finds her.

[ParisPaulette]

Earlier on on the day, prior to my visit, he had made his own mother get out of his car at the roadside after an argument, and in his own words to me later, he screamed abuse from the car window at her. I guess he was just not in the best of moods yesterday!

 

No, this is not this jerk being "just not in the best of moods" this is him being an abusive a***ole. You are so much better off. The dating website was just the tip of the iceberg and the least of your worries. This guy sounds like he has a deep hatred of all women. Head for the door and don't look back.

[Gaynor]

I think he does have issues with women, yes. He has a deep seated hatred for his mother, but that's a whole other story. I am definitely choosing to walk away from this, I doubt he will care much. We aren't good for each other now, too much has happened now I think.