AintEasy Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Allow me to explain I've been lurking this forum for the past 3 months. I'm more of a researcher than a poster. But to this day I am still trying to figure out what TRULY went wrong so that I can improve. - Woman I was a few months away from proposing to decided to end it. It wasn't mutual, but I knew it was coming. I fought it hard, but deep down I knew it was the right thing. We have been best friends for 8 years, relationship for 5 years. It never wavered. Only stronger and stronger. I still feel so blessed to have experienced a love like that. Honestly the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. She wasn't my best friend, she was my partner. But we were young. I'm 24, she's 22. We always noticed the strain that put on our relationship. I knew if it ever failed, it would be because of this. And I was right. - I found her a place she could afford and she finally moved out of her extremely restricted parents house. She suddenly had more freedom than she knew what to do with. - I found her an amazing part time job to support her. She did well and moved up a bit, started making more money than she ever has. - I found her a university she's never even heard of, did everything I could to help her get accepted and get out of community college and she did. So now she's living that university life. She was extremely emotionally mature during our relationship, but that began to waiver. She started partying more, became obsessed with the money, hung out with coworkers, worked as much as possible, got a little crazy. To be honest it felt like she was slowly becoming more and more immature. We started arguing because of this, alot. Within a month of this arguing/stressing/crying/etc she ended it. Said she wasn't happy anymore and wanted to be single for once in her life. Fine. I respect that. I love her dearly and want her to be happy. I've always kind of wanted to experience the single life too, so why not. Here is the issue: We have a strong group of mutual friends. From what I hear she is not happy. She is depressed, tired, stressed, and partying like crazy. They say they don't even really recognize her right now. She's like a loose horse. She constantly tells them that we broke up because I had too many anger issues, my life grew too stagnant (I'll admit I'm in a bit of a rut), and she wasn't mature enough to communicate properly during our arguments causing serious strain. She constantly says I had my chances to fix these issues but I never did. She once drunkenly admitted "We were a match made in heaven, but whatever." So she says those things, but then her roommate texts me one day saying "Hey. I know I shouldn't be contacting you, but I thought you should know this. She left her journal open in the living room. She wrote about you. She wrote "I wanted it to be you so badly. If there is anything I ever desperately wanted, it was for it to be you. I just wish it could have been you. If whatever happens, I did, I do, and I will always love you. But I have to find my own way now. Too much love, too soon in life...." " So, do I believe what she is forcefully telling friends to convince herself she made the right decision, or do I believe her private journal? Because if it's her journal to believe, then I am going to focus completely on myself, and give her the space she wants and just accept it. Spoken words or private words? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 In my private journals, some of which is here but including written books of my youth, there is no need for context. The pleasure of a journal is one's emotional experience can be intense and changeable, and every experience is valid. What she wrote in her journal and what she is telling friends are consistent ideas btw. She has concluded you lack the skills necessary to sustain a RL. Maybe you do, maybe she does, maybe this is bunk. Only you know that. She wanted it to be you, she felt you were made for each other, sshe has to move on. This is both her public and private message. Do not try to reconnect until you have tested yourself and experienced something life changing. Link to comment
Circe Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 People do embellish and over-romanticise in private journals so no, it's not always the case that you should disbelieve spoken words if they are inconsistent with private ones - it depends on the purpose of the speaking. People can over-romanticise relationship endings in private diaries because writing about it in that way gives them the type of closure they want. BUT - I agree with IthinkIcan that in your case her diary is not actually inconsistent with what she's telling her friends. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Maybe she wanted to make a few of her own life decisions seeing as you found her a flat, a job,& a uni! Stop being so controlling! No wonder she is partying, she feels free !!! Link to comment
AintEasy Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 In my private journals, some of which is here but including written books of my youth, there is no need for context. The pleasure of a journal is one's emotional experience can be intense and changeable, and every experience is valid. What she wrote in her journal and what she is telling friends are consistent ideas btw. She has concluded you lack the skills necessary to sustain a RL. Maybe you do, maybe she does, maybe this is bunk. Only you know that. She wanted it to be you, she felt you were made for each other, sshe has to move on. This is both her public and private message. Do not try to reconnect until you have tested yourself and experienced something life changing. Thank you for putting it all together for me. It's a nice little wrap up of it all. I know that I need to make some serious changes, and she needs to experience life before we can ever considered reconnecting. Link to comment
AintEasy Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Maybe she wanted to make a few of her own life decisions seeing as you found her a flat, a job,& a uni! Stop being so controlling! No wonder she is partying, she feels free !!! Uhhhhhhhhh who on earth said I was being controlling? Do you know the meaning of true love? Doing everything you can to give someone happiness? I was enjoying a peaceful 3 week vacation with family when she started freaking out about not being able to find a house before the semester started. I took time out of my days to help her search, research, and contact landlords. I also fulfilled her request to check every house and read the lease with her to make sure she was making a smart decision. Once she got the house I helped her move in, and take care of things that needed fixing around the house. I helped her more than you would ever know. She began feeling desperately anxious, stressed, and scared when she found a place, but hadn't found a job yet. I went with her to apply to over 20 different jobs, all failed. I contacted every friend I could think of and found her a restaurant that was opening in the next month. Thanks to my friend letting her use her as a reference, she got the job. She felt like community college was suffocating her and thought she was a failure. She applied to 7 universities last fall and got denied by all of them. This fall she applied to 3 and got denied. She felt hopeless, stupid, and pathetic. I suggested a university she had never heard of, helped her ace her finals, helped her write her entrance paper, and she got accepted. Controlling? Try caring about her own happiness way too much because look what it got me. Her feeling like now that she has this life she doesn't need me anymore. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 You can't do everything for a person! If you do somewhere along the way they start to resent you. The way you worded your opening post it looked as though you were the one doing all of it alone, not helping her as you just stated. She is now flying alone & making mistakes that you can't fix for her. Let her go !!!! Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She went from controlling parents to a bf that acted parental. It is no wonder she is flying around like a hummingbird feeling her freedom. She has never felt it before! Time to let her make her mistakes AND live with the consequences. It is part of becoming an adult. Link to comment
AintEasy Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 She is now flying alone & making mistakes that you can't fix for her. Let her go !!!! Time to let her make her mistakes AND live with the consequences. It is part of becoming an adult. Thank you so much. This makes me feel better as it explains her latest actions... such as drinking so much she passed out and fell and got a concussion. When I heard about this I won't lie, I cried. But if you love something, you let it go. She needs to experience all this. And I need to focus on myself and grow and find myself. If it's meant to be, it'll be. Also just to clarify, I have let her go. We haven't spoken in a month, and I deleted her off every social media. I love her more than anything, if she's happy, then that is all I want. Link to comment
sky09 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 - I found ... - I found ... - I found ... Was she incapable of doing those things on her own? Were you her care-taker, in essence? I, too, did "big things" that I thought were my showing her how much I love her, not realizing that they were not healthy for a grown individual that should be capable of some autonomy. Time to do some reflection on your own actions. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Was she incapable of doing those things on her own? Were you her care-taker, in essence? I, too, did "big things" that I thought were my showing her how much I love her, not realizing that they were not healthy for a grown individual that should be capable of some autonomy. Time to do some reflection on your own actions. When you're in a long term serious relationship you will do whatever it takes to help your partner. Some people will appreciate this and others won't. She seems like the type that didn't appreciate it. Link to comment
sky09 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 When you're in a long term serious relationship you will do whatever it takes to help your partner. Some people will appreciate this and others won't. She seems like the type that didn't appreciate it. There is a limit on the things that you do for somebody else. I think the greatest thing I've learned since my breakup up was what the term "boundary" meant. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 There is a limit on the things that you do for somebody else. I think the greatest thing I've learned since my breakup up was what the term "boundary" meant. I get what you're saying. However, if your significant other is asking for help, you are not going to say no. Link to comment
AintEasy Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Was she incapable of doing those things on her own? Were you her care-taker, in essence? I, too, did "big things" that I thought were my showing her how much I love her, not realizing that they were not healthy for a grown individual that should be capable of some autonomy. Time to do some reflection on your own actions. she wasn't to be honest. Yeah, in a way I was. I did a great deal of things for her and because of that, I became way too invested in her life, and lost focus of mine. It was unhealthy, I have no problem admitting that. A week before we broke up I was still helping her sell a laundry machine, and showing her how to do something online related to school. I can't remember specifics since its been so long, but I think she told one of our friends that she felt I was so focused on her life that I forgot my own. One of the biggest awakenings I've had during this break up is realizing that the mistake I made was losing myself. I got so focused on us, that it was all I started to care about. It was definitely a crucial mistake and a lesson I won't forget. Link to comment
AintEasy Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 I get what you're saying. However, if your significant other is asking for help, you are not going to say no. bingo. I would have never said no. All I wanted was her happiness, and that was my mistake. Helping her wasn't the mistake, it being all I wanted was. And she was very appreciative, but I think she just began to see that I was losing myself. I mean she said herself to our friend "he's just not the same man I fell in love with" Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 When you're in a long term serious relationship you will do whatever it takes to help your partner. Some people will appreciate this and others won't. She seems like the type that didn't appreciate it. Honestly, it probably feels like she was using you right? Probably because she was. After she felt like she didn't need your help anymore, she dropped you for the other guy. Link to comment
sky09 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Definitely read up on "boundaries" and how to apply them. Like I said, there's a limit on the amount of giving one person can provide to another, w/o the other one trying to carry his/her own weight. Great time for some self-discoveries. Link to comment
AintEasy Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Definitely read up on "boundaries" and how to apply them. Like I said, there's a limit on the amount of giving one person can provide to another, w/o the other one trying to carry his/her own weight. Great time for some self-discoveries. agreed. in a way i'm actually happy this break up happened. it has shown me so much about myself I wasn't aware of. some of the greatest lessons i've ever learned. Link to comment
trust101 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 This is exactly what I thought. After the OP helped her out in every possible way, her life is now much smoother and concrete. It's not the mess it was thanks to OP. Now she has steady job, flat, education it's all smooth sailing and she no longer needs the OP. I'm willing to make a bet that if something tragic happens to her in the near future, such as losing her job or getting evicted, she will come running back to you. As for the title qs, I think spoken words are more valid because anything written usually takes time to write and is thought out, so it can sometimes be artificial so it makes for pleasant reading. Spoken is done on the spot, sometimes your subconscious echoes what you're actually thinking and your facade gets broken, revealing to people what is actually on your mind. Link to comment
oneK Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Quick response to your question: Option C: Actions speak more clearly than both private and public words Link to comment
AintEasy Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Quick response to your question: Option C: Actions speak more clearly than both private and public words well yeah, there's that too haha. i don't think our break up can be confined to one explanation, such as her not needing me anymore. there are so many factors that led into it. She told a friend that she needed to "find her own way now, and she wishes she had met me later in life" so do I feel a bit taken for granted? yeah. but can I truly blame her? it makes sense to me now, that she was controlled and restricted her entire life, and then I, in a way, controlled her life without realizing. she needs to experience what it's like to make her own decisions. Link to comment
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