Post-cptsd

[meoww]

It's a little lonely in here, in my mind. I had a lot of angst to distract me, now I feel so alone in the world. I'm kind of realizing my abusive parents would have lost interest in me, decades down the line, they only really enjoyed abusing me when I was really young and full of potential. The discard phase of the narcissism has begun I guess. Feeling very deflated.

 

The obsession (not love) really is conditional isn't it? I was always just a literal projection screen to them.

 

All my angst, was just meaningless. I didn't know how to take the advice about detaching. I had to learn the hard way, that my parents really, really, do not love me. This is like, the most obvious fact in the entire world, like more logical than 1+1 equaling 2.This is a new feeling, I would usually feel regret in this moment, but the time for regret has long passed. I just feel the loneliness I've always felt, completely isolated from the chaos, and anger. This is one of my deepest fears and I should not have been running away from it my whole life. It isn't even as scary as I thought. It's empowering, because I have to live with the fear, in this moment, I don't have any way of dissociating or using some other coping mechanism to distract myself from it.

 

The root of my instability, there is an intangible darkness in me. Who put it there, is at this point especially, completely irrelevant. My limitations are irrelevant, because I have to toughen up, for real. I've spent my entire life thinking everything was kind of a game or experiment. That was the wrong attitude to take. My mother put that evil inside me, when she repeatedly brainwashed me about a life I supposedly could never have. But I didn't have to believe her, that was all me. All I needed was the belief that she was wrong, to start changing absolutely everything about my life.

[meoww]

Dissociation kept me from resolving my anxiety! This is like the epiphany I needed like 4 years ago man. I would dissociate, and then I wouldn't be able reach the dark places in my mind I didn't want to go to. Anxiety is a load of s. It's a made up fear, life is full of terrifying things, but anxiety only attacks certain vulnerable parts of you, even if you have GAD.

 

The worst advice I think ever got on this was, "Be the anxiety," ahahahaha (bitter laughter)

So many quacks out there. That gem was given to me unsolicited by the EX, the one I have been so bitter about for so long. I haven't seen the guy in like 7 years, he probably has no idea what a detrimental effect he had on my life. He would phrase all of his advice in the most obscure, flowery language. Okay I will try to take responsibility for myself, I'm trying, I'm trying. He was just this talking fortune cookie that just followed me wherever I went. Like one of those fortune telling machines from the 70s or whatever, oh god I just realized this is a Wizards of Waverly place reference.

 

Anxiety. The invisible enemy I have overestimated for years upon years. I had so many demons to face I didn't realize this was my actual Big Bad. Nice to finally meet you, thanks for stepping out of the shadows after stalking me all this time!

 

And you know what, I have to give my therapist all the credit for even bringing that to my attention. The problem is that for many years, I couldn't differentiate between anxiety, fear, happiness, sadness, depression, it all seemed the same to me. Like when normal people weep happy tears but a thousand times more intense. I'm finding out more and more how similar I was to my mother, I just didn't know it because 1) I'm not abusive 2) I actually like people and 3) I was terrified of being like her so even the thought of her in general grossed me out. I've come a long way in that I no longer feel such strong feelings of disgust toward either of them. I thought the disgust I felt at them was like universal, like that they radiated sickness from every pore, like that the very flesh of my father's pink potbellied body was rancid and apparent to everyone he interacted with. I had a lot of very, very strong shame transmitted to me. These borderline traits must be passed down through environment because once I connect the dysregulation, I have the capacity to change. I'm not actually genetic trash after all. At the very least.

 

All these horrible feelings were so hard to deal with. It's worth it to try to get past it, for me, just to have the level of perception I have now. This is what it feels like when I'm not full of poison.

 

This just never ENDS. Seriously, how many ways can child abuse screw a person up? There's got to be a limit. I literally do not have enough to spend thinking about all this. I don't have the energy for anymore game changing epiphanies. I need to live my life and be confident in my judgment and decision making. I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS. I don't care if my parents are in some ways, uniquely odd, uniquely abusive.

[meoww]

"the dissociation bone's connected to the anxiety bone, and the anxiety bone's connected to the emotional flashback bone."

(The flashback's connected to the abuse, that's the cycle of PTSD.)

 

Yeah the lyrics need a little work.

The second verse should be about how the abuser pretends to need your help so that you stay in the cycle for longer. This really only clicked for me like, this exact moment, the enablers helped me see that people really don't know how to spot monsters even if they are interacting with one every day. Hell, I lived with monsters and I didn't even know it. My abusers were strategically vulnerable in front of me order to control me. If I felt sorry for them, that could OBVIOUSLY only work in their favor. Dumb dumb dumb dumb. This is like toddler level manipulation, hence why it works so well on empaths.

 

How did I go from being a lost cause to where I am today? Now that's the real mystery. That means I really am strong. I'm not like them. There was something in me that they could never extinguish as hard as they tried. I win!!!!! I didn't even want to fight this stupid battle. But they can't win, because I can't be broken like them, it's not in my nature. What a weird paradox. I can be infinitely wounded, but I can't be pushed over the edge, or can I? How did I become a better person, the person I am today? It scares me to think I might not have ended up that way. That I would have lived with anxiety and fear my whole life, and festering sense of being alone, unable to trust at the deeper levels, unable to communicate my real self, always feeling an unspoken sense if hostility, competition and rejection but dependency all at the same time. So ominous.

 

Having all these weird limiting beliefs.

Gonna make a list, you know I love lists, I overcame limiting beliefs, distorted thinking, a lack of trust, fear, fear of the world ending quite literally (she brainwashed me with this almost every single day), fear of intimacy, judgement of people different from me in both good and bad ways, fear of education, fear of failure and success, fear of my own flaws, a tendency to avoid everything that makes me feel bad, a tendency to think every abusive parent is as bad as mine, feeling disconnected and disappointed when I realized I'm in a uniquely abusive situation with severely ill and strange parents, I've almost overcome being convinced I'm cursed, overcome the limiting belief that you need parents to be a whole person, that only bad people don't have families, overcome the need for approval, the need for romance, completely overcome the need for a partner to complete me, become comfortable being alone, stopped thinking in extremes, stopped being dependent on friends for emotional support, able to have real experiences instead of the fog, gotten past some real, legitimate rage, betrayal, indifference, stereotyping, I've learned to be more self aware, to get in the habit of always trying to improve myself and get real results, framing things more accurately in my mind, connecting to my real wants and needs, not denying my needs constantly and putting myself down, learned to be more assertive, learned to moderate my behavior, learned to communicate way better, got comfortable making eye contact, got comfortable flirting, comfortable with the idea of being a woman, challenged myself to learn things I never thought I would care about, learned to think for myself. This is just off the top of my head too.

[meoww]

I have this very hazy memory of taking an online personality test on some dubious website when I was 19, I think it was called something like, "Which personality disorder do you have?" I think I scored highest for borderline personality disorder. I think my reaction was like, what the hell is that? The borderline of what?

 

I was completely baffled by my result. Borderline personality disorder was something I only vaguely recalled from the movie Girl, Interrupted, and I could barely sit through the movie. It was depressing, weird and I had absolutely no clue what the movie was supposed to be about. I was nothing like any of those characters, right? One girl hid rotisserie chickens under her bed and Angelina Jolie's frazzled hair and crazy eyes terrified me. Growing up I had very little tolerance for that kind of subject matter, surprise, surprise. I've talked about it before, Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands and movies like that were so close to home I couldn't handle it. My genres were limited to blockbusters, dramas, documentaries, and fantasy, and generally gravitated toward escapist junk and teen movies. No wonder.

 

I need to watch that movie again, I swear I'm a low key Winona Ryder. My low key promiscuity kind of went under the radar too. The devil is in the details. It's obviously normal to experiment and date around, but the way I related to men was so messed up. There was something inauthentic about myself that even I found off putting about myself and I just couldn't put my finger on it for so long.

 

Oh my god it all makes sense now. I was very afraid of this label, like it made my credibility even worse than it already is. The thing is, I'm just flat out not manipulative, and lack even the organizational skills to be, I think that's why I took so long to recognize my mother's borderline traits in myself.

 

My current interest in borderline personality disorder was a total accident, that I only stumbled upon through the accidental discovery of the condition of malignant maternal narcissism.

 

I guess when I joined the rbn forum I realized there's something deeper going on with me, that not all of the other posters were going through. There was something needier in me, a sense of abandonment that was more apparent to me and I needed to see it. It's nice to compare notes. I feel this sense of relief, like I'm finally home. I feel comfortable, like it's okay to just admit that to myself. I wouldn't trust anyone else with that information that's for sure, the old naive me would probably. Even if I think I show borderline traits, I'm fundamentally normal. I still think it's so true. It's definitely true. It makes sense, it's nice to have something tangible to recover from. I know I already had the PTSD but it makes sense why it's taken me forever to figure out what's wrong with me.

 

Ok disclaimer here. I have chosen to explore the causes of my suffering beyond what is actually necessary because I was sick to death of settling in my life. I know I have very high expectations in a way. I know I might be asking for more than what's actually possible. But I just wanted to have an awesome life. Or maybe, just an a life that feels authentic to me. I honestly can't be any other way, that's normal. I have said I would feel slightly traumatized if I had to have regular sex with some average looking dad bod guy no matter how nice he is, no matter how much I just wish I could let it go and be happy. I'm beginning to not care so much about this even though the whole point of my self reflection was to get all motivated to get all those high status things. I don't know, my priorities are, dare I say, changing. If I met someone who was a genuine gentleman, I wouldn't really consider it settling. I'll have to figure this out along the way.

[meoww]

I give up too quickly, it's been a bad habit of mine for a long time. I want to do right by my 10 or 12 year old self. She had respect for herself. (Even if I was always affected by the abuse, let's just assume that as a constant in my life.) Like most kids, I started compromising my identity in middle school. In 6th grade I was like the only kid all conservatively dressed up for the first day of school in black and white. I got dressed that morning, put my hair up and put on my black skirt and flats, feeling really good but the second I was in my chair in first period looking around at all the other kids in their colorful outfits, I was immediately like, oh shht. I need to go shopping, I'm a freak, this is horrible I just want to go home and change out of this choir girl outfit, who is going to talk to me now? How sad. I was always making compromises and second guessing myself.

 

The girl in black and white who liked gardening and making crepes on the weekend would have wanted something dufferent for herself. That girl wanted to get married relatively young, and live comfortably in my home state in a large suburban house and raise a few kids. Don't I still want that? Do I really need to just go home? Except, I'm not that little girl anymore. I don't need a companion anymore and I don't believe I can make that fantasy come true for myself. Like I feel like I would have to make too many compromises it would be a pale imitation of that dream.

 

I tried making it fit so many times, but I always chose the wrong people and went about it in completely the wrong way. How I managed to this in a university where I had literally 30,000 people to choose from is beyond me. I could have gone in any direction, and I chose the worst path I could possibly take.

 

It's funny that the interests I had as child are more socially acceptable now, especially as an adult. Regardless, I think in order to feel less disconnected I have to recognize that there are certain parts of me I can't ignore and sweep under the rug even if I think a certain need isn't that important. Just because someone else can live a certain lifestyle doesn't mean I can.

 

Before all the misdirection, underneath the threats and intimidation from my mother, was there a real person with some kind of tangible goal? Is it even feasible to go back and honor those dreams? Am I different now or do I have one continuous identity that has never been quite fulfilled?

[meoww]

Whoa, whoa. My indecisiveness, is also just a PTSD symptom. The stuck feeling is like another way my mom tries to force her borderline traits on me.

She wants me to question my intuition and natural instincts until I become unstable like her. That's why I can never make a decision even though part of me is always tugging in the same direction. That's why I'm not a true borderline, but have problems that manifest in a very similar way. I've never quite framed it that way. It's not really an existential crisis, at least not to the degree that it's been for me. It's not normal to be paralyzed like this.

 

I'm mostly just a highly manipulated victim who doesn't trust herself. It's just hard to take that mental step of trusting myself about certain things because I'm afraid I'll end up unhappy and living a lie like before. I will never live a lie again, I know that. I don't need to be so afraid.

 

Personality wise, my abuser and I have a completely different temperament. She's more of a rebel. Unlike my mom I accept that I'm not free to do whatever I want. She wants to be a free spirit, and force me to be the same but it gives me so much anxiety and fills me with such unhappiness to be that way. Normal people would quickly recognize this as a sign that something isn't working out for them and automatically make changes. But because I've been trained to ignore my needs at all costs, I can never quite get there. I always feel completely off or just a little off. I'm not a risk taker, I'm just me, I've always been a social person who values the collective. God why on earth did she have to go and demonize that and give me this massive, completely ridiculous hang up about it. To the point that I had to give up my dreams, accept them and come back around to them again? What a f-ing waste of time I didn't have.

I can't even tell when I'm being inauthentic anymore. No matter how much I try to understand my self because it can't be understood, it's just PTSD.

 

I might not be flashbacking to actual events anymore, or filled with anger, or in a fog, but the inability to be authentic is totally because of the abuse.

[meoww]

When people have tried to help me in the past, they would often say, just do what you really want to do (Meoww), just be yourself Meoww and I just couldn't. It felt like they were speaking a foreign language. I didn't even know how valuable that advice was, that it was the ticket to my freedom from her chains. You have to get in touch with your instincts, and make your own mistakes and own those mistakes, that's just how it goes. I was so afraid of losing control, being a formless blob, that I didn't even realize I already was one.

 

This is one is not that complicated either. Another piece of conventional wisdom I failed to grasp.

 

There you have it. I am me.

[meoww]

I was pleasantly surprised when I glanced through my journals to check my progress. A more balanced outlook and relaxed confidence are becoming second nature to me but still a new concept to me less than a year ago. So that really explains why I'm still constantly exhausted, having strange (if not disturbing like they used to be) dreams and feeling over capacity despite how far I've come. That's why each day feels so long. Another pleasant surprise was that despite my PTSD symptoms decreasing in intensity, I've remained much more level headed and self aware than I ever give myself credit for. I never get over how reasonable I sound because I guess my abusers made me think it was much worse.

 

I had completely forgotten how my whole body used to shake sometimes when I finally realized I was upset about something. What a change! My reactions are no longer so delayed. There's no longer this massive disconnect between events and my feelings. My memory is clearly still very damaged because I had totally forgotten that symptom, no recollection of it whatsoever. Thankfully I had my trusty journals to keep me informed. I literally could not have recovered without them.

 

What a realization. If I hadn't written all this down, I would have no memory of it.

 

My recent torturous self reflection has already given another piece of myself back to me. I couldn't imagine myself as an older person, when I was constantly in flight or fight emergency mode. After reading something online, I was picturing myself as a grandmother and it made me so genuinely happy. I don't have to overthink that and force myself question my existence because my mother has me convinced that I need to solve the universe in order to survive.

 

In 2016 I'll repeat to myself: It's not that complicated. I can want any simple little thing I want. Normal is okay, it's not evil like she said was. I'm not morally obligated to the save the world, end war, end corruption, stop climate change, become a philosopher and deny my needs like a monk. Leave that to the people who actually had a stable upbringing.

 

Leave all the complicated stuff to people who have had much easier lives than I have, at least for now. I deserve my simple happiness. I know that in my heart now more than I ever have. It grounds me, I finally have ground beneath my feet. What a relief after all this time. I can really put myself first!! It's been such an ordeal just to realize that I don't have it easy and it's okay to just get my life in order instead of worrying about literally every other issue on the planet except for my suffering. I'm useless to others any way unless I'm in better mental shape.

[meoww]

Saw a poster with similar internal dialogue on the abuse support forum, the scattered thoughts and inability to separate metaphor from reality really stood out to me. So familiar. It really was like seeing a computer freak out and just spit out a bunch of output from random areas.

 

I needed to see it from an outside perspective to realize that my PTSD is very similar in the way it attacks my cognition and retards my common sense. This is one of the few things in my life that have been timed well. Even as recently as a few weeks ago, I might not have recognized the unhealthy rambling. The reason I think it's unhealthy, is because I could see the writer of the post wasn't processing their emotions on a deeper level, even if the subject matter was very serious or challenging, it was the animal PTSD response.

 

I started making the connection when heard that SpartanLife guy say that the inner child likes metaphors. I started connecting the dots after that, that sentence really just resonated with me and it was in the back of my mind for a while. I realized that it's another form of escapism for me. I was trying to comfort myself with those metaphors but my over active imagination was making it a little too real.

 

I'm beginning to see this from more of a detached, clinical perspective. I can see how the PTSD turns some of us into deer in the headlights, how the mind gets frozen in crisis mode. So some of us turn out codependent because we revert to a more child like state emotionally, where we can't be alone with the trauma, I can relate more to the people who have more emotional reactions because my mother is a hysteric.

 

Other people shut down, I'm beginning to understand this camp a little more as I put up boundaries. Some people get preoccupied with lofty ideas, love, and other distractions because in a crisis the mundane isn't even on our radar. It totally makes sense, that's why our priorities need adjusting. Not only are we not taught self care, it's hard to break past the barrier and actually learn.

 

The douche (ex) used to say his therapist said he over intellectualized things. He didn't seem to get this wasn't a compliment! He was literally the antithesis of what I needed to heal, he was in effect throwing a grenade into a small brushfire, he really escalated my traumatic response in such a flippant way.

 

I swear we humans have a hive mind though. So many posts I've recently seen on the forum have been about moving on, and how they finally beat the trauma. It's weird but really good news. I guess that's just the way knowledge and healing spreads.

[meoww]

I became conscious of like 7 different triggers in the last 2 days. Actually, it was more like I realized I'm allowed to try to stop reacting to them.

[meoww]

There was this guy I was interested in, and I successfully made myself detach emotionally because we didn't have a lot in common. It really hard at first because I make excuses for myself and get convinced the connection is special and unique and all that. It took a few tries. When it came down to it, I can live with it just fine. Sometimes I want it all, I see someone living a certain lifestyle and I want to pack up and move and change my entire life to become someone else. Then I'll see someone else I admire and I often feel like I'm pulled in many directions at once. He's still just as attractive but I'm not changing my life for anyone.

 

Self-discipline is going to be my thing in 2016. It's going to be a year where I use my head and not my heart for a change. I want to be a stronger person. I don't feel like I have much of a choice. This should be interesting! I spent a few years catering to my every whim, and I know what that feels like. Those wounds have healed. I'm not this suppressed, confused person anymore. I'm not an abandoned child anymore. This is inner child stuff might be the most relevant concept I've ever encountered. I didn't have 18 years to undo the damage my parents did but 5 years is a substantial amount of time.

[meoww]

I'm excited to toughen up. I may have had to do it on my own terms, and it may be the obvious conclusion I should have reached many years ago, but I'll be satisfied enough if I can really pull it off. Knowing my tendency toward burn out and over eagerness, I hope I have the strength not to go overboard and stay balanced. The point of my New Years resolution isn't to become an island, but to show myself what real love and support are, not in a metaphorical way but on a practical level. To parent myself, my parents have given me literally zero experience of guidance and foresight. No wonder I didn't realize how valuable it is. No wonder I have no concept of what self improvement even is! I don't even understand the basics of building a complex foundation based on years of effort, self evaluation and honesty. No wonder it's hard for me to develop skills at the adult level because there's no clear steps involved in those transitions. I am going to be my own parent, I'm going to be my own everything. I really like my life better that way. Is this really how some lucky people get to live from start to finish? There's no reason for self-sabotage, it is a very insidious form of self-harm that can take on the form of settling in so many ways. I didn't even know I didn't love myself or that I was hurting myself to this extent.

 

I've been consciously suppressing the feelings of empowerment, I don't want to go off the rails and get all manic and stuff. That sounds a little bipolar. I think it's mostly my conditioning from my mothers rapidly cycling narcissism and brutality. I'm okay, it's just a habit I picked up from when I was really young. It was either dissociate and be numb, or have my head in the clouds or down in the depths of misery and self-hate. Now I know there are a lot more options than that!!! Thank god. I'm not a lost cause anymore.

 

I read something funny on a depression support forum last night. Someone was like, what if this really is the Matrix and we're the chosen people of Zion? And someone else is like, "The last thing we need is delusions!" And someone else chimed in with, "That would mean that in order to know the truth you need to be an abused child lol." It's so true. Trauma isn't the truth. The truth isn't in my mind, there are things out there that aren't me, I was experiencing a bit of delusional thinking. I really felt like there was only me and my mind at times, but if that was true I should be a lot smarter and knowledgable than I am. It's shtty but whatever.

 

Anyway I know I have to stop writing in here so much. I know when I'm wasting my time, or too afraid to break my unhealthy habits. It's seriously crazy how much progress I made in a few weeks. I might be back and I may not. I might even go on medication! I am so excited. I feel like it actually makes sense for me now because I feel better ironically I was too damaged and afraid to be on them before. I now know what symptoms I want to target, I have very different expectations. I'm not afraid of it changing my personality because that would be a welcome change if it actually works. I think before I was so confused and disoriented that it didn't even seem to have a clear purpose to me.

[meoww]

My resolution (I feel well enough to make one!)

 

Use my head and not my heart.

That will be my guiding principle in ALL matters this year.

[meoww]

My other resolution:

 

I'm not going to try to change but anyone but myself this year.

 

I say this year because I'm not sure that's sustainable in the long term, I just want to train myself to focus on myself and my goals, and not get sidetracked or go down the wrong path.

 

I think I've been putting in a lot of effort into things I don't need to. Like communication, it's exhausting for me sometimes because in a crisis, or when someone has a problem, I expend a lot of energy trying to empathize and communicate in a way that will resonate for them specifically. I typically assume that platitudes are ineffective, but I'm realizing a lot of the time, people just want to hear them. People are quite perceptive on their own and already know what they need to do and sometimes all they need is a little encouragement. I guess in some ways that makes me highly sensitive, because regular communication can sometimes look like dogs barking at each other to me. I got in this bad habit of trying to frame things differently from what they might have heard before. Which can be a bad habit because you don't want to automatically assume you need to give advice and your thinking can get distorted.

 

That's part of why I want to see if I can just say I'm "supposed to" to people who are struggling, with better results. I took it for granted that there was "a better way" to communicate, but how can even be sure of that? That's just a very unscientific idea that I came up with due to my very limited experience in life.

 

I'm going to stop resisting and try to be one of those people who just says the right things even if it's not always helpful. I'll feel more normal, I'll be able to sleep better at night and I won't take on too much responsibility, in a situation where I'm not even expected to do more.

 

I don't think it's all bad though. I've wanted to fully Americanize my mindset, I'm realizing I have one really, really valuable strength a lot of people don't have. I'm not stubborn. Some people can be outgoing , communicative, and interesting but they still get undermined by their inability to change. At least I don't have that problem. Well I've taken my values for granted, I really need to find out if they need adjusting, and hold myself accountable for the times I let myself off the hook, the grieving period is over. I really want this year to be a reversal of how I've been living the past couple years. At least I know I can change because I've made many changes to my life before.

[meoww]

I'm so concerned about giving off the impression of shaming, that I can be way, way too subtle, not direct enough and I can seem weak or something, in my delivery. I still think it's important to be approachable. It's just that there are many more ways to do so than I realized. There so many ways to offer your support. Ugh it's probably because I think of criticism as a largely shaming experience because of my abusers. Ugh ugh. I really believed I was good at handling constructive criticism, but how did I expect to be able to identify it when I'm always on edge, try to read body language, facial expressions, for the slightest hint of hostility?

 

I touched on this already but I have undervalued strength. I've always looked for the truth like it's some kind of secret hidden away somewhere for a precious and lucky few to find. Sometimes it is what it is.

[meoww]

Everyone's always trying so much harder than I am. I feel so sad because I really didn't know about these rules in life. It's not like I wanted to be this way. I just thought everything just sort of happened. That you just wished to be smarter or prettier or better in some way and ideas just sprung up out of nowhere. I think life is such a precious gift and I would have done such a better job with it if I knew that there aren't that many opportunities to be "off," you always need to be alert and paying attention, and that even kids are building identities for themselves, not just killing time the way I did. It's soooo sad, all my curiosity and energy went to waste because my parents just locked in a house with a couple of books and toys for, I thought that's how you were supposed to pass the time. I think I really on some level was conditioned by this until this exact moment. I was neglected and I didn't even know it.

 

I no longer feel same in my own mind. I was so afraid to be alone that I couldn't even face that for decades. It's a waste of time trying to interpret and analyze things if I'm drawing the wrong conclusions. I'm not even really free to relax in my mind, if it's not functioning properly. I finally put words to the way I space out when I'm reading messages from people, interacting on forums, speaking even. I never think before I speak. I never try to change anything. I either assume I'm being authentic, or think I just have to "fake it till I make it," without even knowing what means. You have to know how to fake it, you can't just be like, well it's magically going to come to me because I want it to be different and my intentions are good. That's not good enough. I've always felt so vulnerable and naive, and just thought, that's just who I am.

[meoww]

Apparently the world's highest paid athlete was a chariot racer from back in Roman times, I can't really remember the specifics. People really haven't changed much, it's me that's changed. This guy's 15 billion dollar equivalent salary wasn't exactly the norm, but average people have so much going for them too: genuinely beautiful singing voices, artistic talent, many are excellent cooks, athletes, comedians, writers, business people. Excellence seems like the norm. This is obvious to any normal person because that's all they know. My whole life, everything existing outside the family unit was presented to me like a fantastical illusion, like it was a painting. What a horrible, unusual way to spend over 20 years of my life.

 

What I thought was being human was just what it was like to be me. Being me sucks. Not necessarily because I'm genetically inferior, but because the veil of ignorance wasn't lifted until these past few weeks. It's been too long, I would genuinely prefer to be reborn. Real engagement with the world is so much work. I really didn't mean to be this way. At the very least I don't feel so cursed. I know it's probably not personal, and that I actually do deserve better.

[meoww]

Staying present is painful right now. It's still preferable to brain fog any day. Dreading the days and weeks to come. My so-called positive thinking probably falls into the category of maladaptive day dreaming. Sick of the vices. I suffer from denial, avoidance, wishful thinking. The people who had emotional baggage from their parents ended up being so similar to them. I was on that path too. It's so creepy.

 

My mom sloppily tries to make reality fit her fantasy life. In her mind, my dad was a prize, I was unaware of this because it was so clearly deluded. I can't believe the older I got the more my relationship patterns and coping mechanisms started resembling hers. I feel horrible. Her narcissism is disturbing.

[meoww]

My mom was in and out of my life, just enough to seriously undermine my perception of reality. With my dad it was so clear because he had nothing in common with my friends parents, no connection to people in general. I didn't even know what an miserable outcast she really is. Her friendships were based on smoke and mirrors, and as times changed she couldn't keep up anymore (or so she thought.) The reality was she only thought she was a peer.

 

That's literally exactly the way I am. It would have been so much easier to face this even 2 or 3 years ago. Wouldn't it have been so easy for someone to pull me aside and say, "Keep your eyes open. You don't have be so insecure, you can learn to have a place in the world if you observe the people around you and imitate them." I don't have the luxury of an identity.

[meoww]

I've accounted for my naïveté. My entire "personality" is based on around it. My mother calls this my "creativity." I feel like I'm the Dandy (from AHS) in the family now! Or more like, Dandy's weak little protégé. I don't want to pick up the baton but I have no idea where to run. As a side I never could relate to how people found him intriguing as a villain. The enmeshed psycho mom thing is such a typical horror trope.

 

The question right now isn't, "Who am I?" But to go through the motions, try not to get too down, try not to think too much because it's a dark time in my life. The only thing I can do is try to find something better out there. My mom used to call herself "a weed." I wish she could have kept her negativity to herself, her crazy ass fears to herself. It makes me hate myself even more when I get insecure now because I'm like, ugh I'm even thinking just like her. Everything about is me screwed up just like her. I want to cry. I wrongly labeled this toxic shame in the past. Nope. This is reality. I'm not unfixable but it's every bit as difficult as I feared.

 

I really want to cry. For some people being like their parents isn't such a terrifying thing. But how do the kids of murderers feel? Do they feel sick when they share unrelated interests or personality traits?

 

I'm freaking out. I keep running away from her and I can't escape no matter what I do or how good my intentions are. This is so horrible. Why didn't I see this 5 years ago? Why does it take me 5 years to figure out something the average survivor figures out WHILE they are growing up with their abuser!?

[meoww]

At least I'm staying on track with my resolutions. I'm not day dreaming this away anymore.

[meoww]

I did it. Starting to take control of a pretty weird problem of mine. My one billionth trigger is that I have this random way of dissociating when I interact with people. I would describe it as half-listening and relating everything to the way I would feel or react. I wasn't even trying to be this way! I've said before that I approach giving advice very timidly. Nonetheless I make a lot of weird assumptions. That's why I had this nagging feeling I have Aspergers. I don't even care if I do now. It's nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest it would be nicer if I fit the criteria more closely because I wish I was obsessive about a hobby or interest! That would be a welcome change. Anyway, my deepest insecurities are out in the open now.

[meoww]

I'm listening. This is going to take some practice. I'm finally realizing that even if people in my life make mistakes and hurt me, it's not the end, it's okay to forgive. How did I suddenly get here? I need to learn to read between the lines, pick up on people's intentions and stop being so critical, and I also have to figure out how to express myself. I'm so imprecise in so many aspects of my life. Even the way I communicate is disjointed.

 

It started out with me realizing the way I read and skim constantly instead of taking in each line was really affecting me, I take in emotions very vividly and forget so many details. Sometimes I lose the big picture. My thoughts are also vague in the same way. I can't believe HOW MUCH I was spacing out all the time.

 

I don't want to be in love with the sickness. I'm relating to others in a way that makes me feel good about myself. I feel like I'm finally developing real empathy.

[meoww]

Opened up to a stranger, someone I thought I didn't have much in common with. I was wrong, I'm glad I was. Hopefully this means I'm coming out of that morbid spiral I have been in the last month. It's hard to put into words how good it feels to relate to people without the fear, or the weird thoughts, it's like my world is ever expanding. I want to keep building, making connections with people wherever I go because you never know where they might lead. Finding value in the right things.

[meoww]

Ugh a bad thought popped into my head. I think I'm just used to writing down all my dark thoughts in here and it's become a habit. I still have those, "Why me?" moments daily. I literally make no sense in the world. Born in the wrong era, to the wrong parents, grew up in the wrong country, went to the wrong school and went on to make all the wrong decisions in life.

 

Is this because I never knew my biological father? Would it make sense to me if I did? I still think she's lying about it.