frustrating situation

[CovertCactus]

So there is a woman (let's call her Maria) at work I like and I think she likes me. A couple weeks ago I was training with a woman (Julie) and she told me Maria has been looking me up and down every time we walked by her. So with my training finally done I started working in my store full time last week. I noticed she would look at me a lot and say hi to me with a big smile. Today I finally had a chance to talk to her alone and I told her a little about myself and she told me about herself and I enjoyed every second of it and I could tell she was having a good time too. She was smiling the whole time and was very enthusiastic with me. I made her laugh a lot and she was truly interested in what I had to say. She asked me if I was doing anything on new year's eve and I told her I wasn't doing anything. I could tell she wanted me to ask her what she was doing but I didn't and we had a bit of a silence. I know you're probably thinking "What's the problem? Ask her out".

 

Here's the problem. I do loss prevention at my company. My company takes loss prevention seriously. The company trusts me with a lot of sensitive information and records and I am expected to be doing internal investigations along with stopping external theft. For all intents and purposes I am a part of management but I don't even answer to the managers at my store, I'm pretty much a separate entity. Basically I'm in a position that requires a lot of trust. Obviously dating her would a huge conflict of interest especially if I were to ever have any reason to suspect her of stealing. It would compromise my ability to do a fair and impartial investigation. I may be moving to another store soon because of staffing issues which would technically allow me to date her per company policy but there is still a lot of stigma that would probably ruin my chances of advancement and I have a very good (almost guaranteed) chance of getting a big promotion in about a year. LP dating within the company is very much frowned upon even when policy says it's ok. Julie started dating another LP guy after she was moved to a different store and my managers weren't happy about that and they were both under a lot of scrutiny for that.

 

I just can't seem to attract women that are right for me. There always seems to be something that gets in the way of developing a meaningful relationship (interest, attraction, relationship goals, etc). Maria is very attractive, nice, fun, and smart. Seeing her makes me feel a bit better especially when she looks and smiles at me. I know she likes me and she has dropped some hints that she's available. Now my job is getting in the way and even if I do date when policy allows it, it will become a road block to any future promotions. I really want to throw policy to the wind a take a chance with her but I know if something goes wrong it could spell the end of my job. Julie almost got fired because she gave her number to an employee and they texted each other. It was nothing romantic, they both used to be cops so it was more platonic and discussing future law enforcement careers. They won't hesitate to terminate me. I know the right answer is to leave her alone. It's just so frustrating that I finally meet a girl who seems genuinely attracted to and interested in me and I can't do anything. I'm generally a straight arrow, follow the rules type of guy but this a tough situation. I think about her a lot and I look forward to seeing her at work. Now I just want to talk to her more and more. If I do that then I'm going to end up asking her out.

[Ellie7]

Get your priorities straight. You want love or career? Is the job that important or is she worth it?

If your job is preventing you to have love and happy relationship then I think that job is sh*t.

There are also planty of other jobs. I personally think it's easier to find a good job then the great person for love relationship.

If you get together, does anyone needs to know that? Can you keep it a secret, at least till your promotion?

And decide soon if you care for the girl at all cause as much as you prolonge this it's more painful for her.

[catfeeder]

Lay down the seeds for future contact down the road, but be subtle to avoid harming your rep in your new job. Then after you're transferred to another store, you can contact her for a date--and keep your contact outside of work.

 

However, if you suspect that any whiff of the two of you dating could harm your rep on the job, skip the idea. Enjoy the fact that someone finds you attractive, and use that confidence to build your dating pool completely outside of your job.

 

Most people who have career goals know that dating and work are not a mix. Use work for it's intended purpose, enjoy the social parameters within in, and be competent. This will build a foundation both financially and emotionally for building your personal life as a completely separate entity.

 

Head high.

[mhowe]

Get your priorities straight. Everyone knows the dating rules...and Maria is blatantly ignoring them. A short term fling vs. A secure job with a promotion in the offing? That's a no brainer.

 

Dating at work...especially where your position is to police the actions of employees...is a no go.

As Catfeeder noted...be friendly and move on.

[Sarah691607309662]

When someone is falling in love there is always a situation like this - something is in a way. It because life does not chose the perfect moment. Life just happens. It is for you to make a choice what is more important for you.

 

Modern society most likely would recommend you to choose career over relationship. I believe this is current definition of strength.

 

I would choose relationship. And here is why. In my life I changed quite a few jobs. I have seen quite a lot. I had started from scratch several times. And I learned that as long as you are strong and solid, if you are independent and intelligent - employers will always hire you. Employment is not about self-advancing really, it is about being needed for a job to be done. And when employer does not need you, it will expel you right away without a single sentiment. I have seen this happen millions of times. I would never sacrifice a real connection with a human being for employer's needs. There are many jobs but only a few precious people.

[CovertCactus]

Thanks for the replies. I've been single for almost a year now and I haven't been able to get beyond a first date. Just getting a date was hard enough. The fact that a woman seems interested in me is like a dream come true. I really need someone in my life again. To love and be loved. I've wasted time and money trying to find and date women and now I have an easy opportunity in front of me. I don't even have to try because the attraction and interest is obvious. At the same time I really like my job. It's the first time in a long time that I'm actually happy with the job I do and the company I work and I don't want to lose that. At one of my old jobs I would regularly come in late or call off because I absolutely hated working there. Now I actually look forward to going to work most days. A lot of people in general can't say that about their job.

 

My thoughts are like your replies, conflicting. I think about my old jobs and how much I love my new one and I want to keep this job and advance. In a few years and some moving around there is a real possibility that I could be holding a 6 figure position. But when I go home I can't help but think about how lonely I am and how depressing it is. It takes the energy right out of me sometimes.

 

As far as keeping the relationship a secret, yes it could happen in theory. Do you know what the best kept secret is? The one only you know. Once you share a secret with someone, even if it's with romantic partner there is always the possibility of it spreading because everyone has that "one friend" they can trust with any secret and they too also have that "one friend" that they can trust with any secret. I don't know how her relationship is like with the other employees.

 

I was hoping to see Maria at work today but I didn't. Instead I found more evidence of theft by an employee I have been investigating. A nice little reminder of how I'm expected to keep everyone at a distance so I can continue to ruthlessly investigate internal theft. I was dumb enough to pay to see who liked me on hot or not and the girls who liked me were ones I rated as "not". That was a nice reminder of how my dating life has been an absolute failure for the past year. It's almost as if God/Allah/the flying spaghetti monster/universal powers want to my work life and dating life to keep clashing so it can amuse itself in watching me make tough decisions. I wish I was born tall, handsome, and rich then I wouldn't have these problems.

[CovertCactus]

Well, I did it! I asked her out. So today I dressed up a little bit instead of my usual low key outfits. As soon as I walked in I was complimented by one of the female employees. Later I saw Maria with this same employee and they were both staring me. I saw them again a few minutes later and I said "hi, how are you?" The other girl said hello and that she was doing ok. Maria nervously said hi and the other woman called her out on it saying she was being weird and didn't answer my question. When Maria left for the day, I asked her if she wanted to go out for new years eve and she said ok and I got her number.

 

After I got her number I was pretty nervous because it felt like everyone knew what I had done even though I asked her outside and no one was there. I constantly had to stop myself from smiling throughout the day Right now I'm feeling pretty good and I guess it remains to be seen what the future holds as far as the job and a possible relationship go.

[CovertCactus]

I got a text earlier today. She has a boyfriend and now I feel like an idiot. I thought she was interested because I would catch her staring at me a lot and smiling at me. That's generally considered to be a sign that a woman is interested in a guy right? I'm a little embarrassed but otherwise alright. I must have the worst luck when it comes to dating. I attract women I'm not attracted to, I've been stood up quite a few times, I asked out women who are dating, now I just need to ask out a lesbian and I think I will have covered every way to be rejected. Anyways, lesson learned, I will never mix romance and work even if a smoking hot brunette employee comes up and asks me out. Actually I would hard pressed to say no in that situation but I know that situation will never happen lol so no worries there.

[Rosti87]

All you can do now is try to learn a lesson from this situation. If you are consistentlly attracted to emotionally unavailable women you need to look within yourself to figure out why. If you consistently are not attracted to women who are available you need to look within yourself to figure out why.

 

I would also strongly advise that you improve your people reading skills. I'm sure she gave off plenty of signs that her attraction was not what you thought it was but either you ignored them or lack the skills to see them.

 

I believe that you attract where you are in that moment in time. Inner work on your part is needed here in my opinion.

[CovertCactus]

All you can do now is try to learn a lesson from this situation. If you are consistentlly attracted to emotionally unavailable women you need to look within yourself to figure out why. If you consistently are not attracted to women who are available you need to look within yourself to figure out why.

 

I would also strongly advise that you improve your people reading skills. I'm sure she gave off plenty of signs that her attraction was not what you thought it was but either you ignored them or lack the skills to see them.

 

I believe that you attract where you are in that moment in time. Inner work on your part is needed here in my opinion.

 

I wouldn't say I'm consistently attracted to unavailable women. I did not know she had a boyfriend at all. If I did, I wouldn't talk to her. I'll admit that I should have taken more time in to trying to figure out if she was dating or not but I'm not attracted women who are dating. If I find out they are dating they essentially become a guy in my mind. Yes I've had female friends and I think some of them are physically attractive but I don't get caught up on it and I don't spend time wishing they were single. I just keep searching. I've gone on dating sites, those sites that are for single people who are looking for a possible romantic relationship just in case you were wondering, and I've had women who would tell me they think I'm attractive and can't wait to see me who do a no show and never hear from them again. I remember this one woman who invited me to her house for the first date, we spent all day texting while I was at work and she was telling me she was very excited to see me that I was like "omg so cute, I mean like really cute". A few days later she said she was dating someone else and getting serious with them.

 

So what's your suggestion then? Twist every single thing a woman says to me in to something else? If they say they like me, it actually means they don't and if they say they don't, they actually do? So according to your theory that women mean the opposite of what they say then wouldn't that mean Maria actually wants me to pursue her? No. I'm not going to sit there and try to decipher every little thing like some ancient language that has been long forgotten. I take things at face value. So I don't know why I attract flakes sometimes but it's not my fault.

 

As far as attracting women that I don't find attractive, it's purely a physical thing. If I don't find a woman physically attractive, she pretty much becomes a dude in my mind. I'm not going to date her or act interested in her romantically. I can't date a woman I don't find physically attractive. Yeah it may seem shallow but it has to be there. It's not just me, most guys are like that. I'm not going to subject myself to dating someone I don't find physically attractive at all and spend my time wishing I was dating someone else. It's doomed to fail from the start and it's just going to cause unnecessary pain for both of us. It doesn't happen all the time either and I certainly don't give off false signals and I consciously make sure that I seem as uninterested as possible so I don't have to put us through the embarrassment of having to reject someone because I don't find them attractive.

[Rosti87]

I merely brought up what you shared 'I'm attracted to women who are not interested in me' (unavailable whether they be attached to someone or not), and I am 'not attracted to women who are attracted to me' (available women). At the minimum I would advise you paying more attention to the bread crumbs that people leave telling you who they are and what they are about.

[Sarah691607309662]

What exactly her text said?

 

Having a boyfriend and agreeing to see you on NYE is something that does not add up. She might be in a process of breaking up with her bf and told you about his existence in order to be honest with you because she might be serious about you. Life is not as scheduled as we would like it to be and sometimes people do meet during situations that are messed up and unclear.

 

I do not think you misread her signals because we read those signals on deep unconscious level and not through conscious analysis. For example once I was very much romanced and there were lots of love declarations and I myself was so much in love that it seemed like a dream came true.... however at night when I slept, I would see this person in my dreams and it was not love at all. it was all scheming and betrayal and almost hate.... I could not figure out where all those dreams came from? But later on I learned that what I saw in my dreams was an actual reality. I explain it that my subconscious picked up on it and I "knew" deep down the truth but I wanted it to be something else so desperately and plus I have been heavily romanced and swept out of my feet.... My point is we are rarely mistaken. We are all animals after all.

[Sportster2005]

Don't throw policy to the wind. It's easier to find a girlfriend than a good job.

[CovertCactus]

Her text said she meant to tell me the day I asked out that she had a boyfriend but she didn't. She said we could be friends and maybe go get a beer sometime. I'm not looking in to it. I think she was just nervous that I put her on spot the other day and didn't know what to say so she agreed. I think she finds me attractive but she's in a relationship so I'm just "eye candy". I don't know how her relationship is with her boyfriend and I'm not going to speculate. I'm going to treat it like she's committed to the guy and move on. If she does break up with him/change her mind then that's nice but other than that no real loss other than a bit of embarrassment.

[Sarah691607309662]

I see.. I am curious though how it will be from now on. If there was mutual attraction, how it can be turned off... I have never been able to turn off attraction. It could pass with the time and with knowing the person more, but in the beginning if I feel chemistry, the more I try to turn it off, the more it flares up. I hope you will be more successful. Good luck!

[CovertCactus]

I see.. I am curious though how it will be from now on. If there was mutual attraction, how it can be turned off... I have never been able to turn off attraction. It could pass with the time and with knowing the person more, but in the beginning if I feel chemistry, the more I try to turn it off, the more it flares up. I hope you will be more successful. Good luck!

 

What ever happens, happens. She knows I'm interested and if something changes she can text me. I talked to her today and apologized if I made her uncomfortable and she said it was ok. Then we talked like nothing happened. It wasn't awkward or anything. She seems to enjoy my company and I enjoy hers. Who knows. It would be nice to date her because I do like her. I guess we will stick to small talk and looking at each other through out the day.