Could use some advice this week

[can1328]

I last spoke with her last week. She sent the unnecessary "The End" e-mail and told me many things about how she doesn't feel the same way, she is only into me sometimes and not ALL the time. Hot and cold was how she described it to me. For those of you who aren't aware of my story, this was after I took her back from our original break up in September. She wanted to take things slow, go to couples counseling, etc. We did, and then she decided she still didn't want me. That e-mail was a kick in the gut.

 

I've been good this week but i'm starting to go downhill a bit. My head is in the right place because I recognize how unhealthy the relationship was. She had a substance abuse problem (alcohol which caused many fights in our relationship.) She didn't respect me the way she should and had some strange opinions on normal things in life. But I still can't get over the pain and her absence. Aside from her negatives, I really loved and cared for her and I know she did too. We were together 5 years and bought a home together 1.5 years ago. I'm trying so hard to let her go. So here's the things that really seem to bother me.

 

Our mutual couple friends - They are my (our) best friends. I love them both and actually look up to them and their marriage. Just a few weeks ago we both went to visit them together when we were working on the relationship. They just found out they were having a child. I'm so happy for them. My ex told the girl to wait for her on the next one, they were supposed to get pregnant at the same time. It bothers me so much to think I may lose them as friends and that my ex will have a baby with someone other than me and they will all hang out without me. It sounds foolish but I was ousted in a former relationship and it hurt to the core.

 

Her extended family - I really enjoyed all of them. They had a Christmas party every year. This would have been my 6th one that I was going to attend. It hurts to know I won't be there anymore. My ex told me that her grandmother gave her a very negative response when she informed her we weren't together any longer. So bad that her grandmother had to write an apology letter to her later. They really enjoyed my company and I did theirs as well. I think they thought that I was really good for my ex and took care of her well and gave her stability that she didn't really have before me. I never got to say goodbye to her parents or extended family. I spent nearly 6 years with them. This bothers me a lot. I don't want to look desperate by writing them a goodbye letter/e-mail. I sent her brother an e-mail a few weeks back before my ex and I started talking again and he never responded. That was unlike him as we got along really well. That still bothers me.

 

These are things that I cannot get out of my head. I haven't gotten a Christmas tree yet. Partly because of some current renovations that are going on in the house but the other part is because I'm nervous to do it. Last year we spent the entire weekend going out to cut a tree down, then coming home and decorating the entire house together. It was one of my best memories since Christmas has always been my favorite Holiday. Now I can't even bring myself to put a tree up. I'm afraid to open the decorations since this is the only box I haven't gone through since she left and took all her stuff.

 

I'm really trying. I'm keeping myself really busy but these things stick in my head daily.

[Clinton]

Unfortunately we often lose a lot more than just a partner when a relationship ends. Friends often have to choose sides and our relationship with our partners family is over.

 

I've done this twice in my lifetime after relationships that each lasted a decade plus.

 

You do get over the losses and move on though. I won't lie, I still miss the relationships I had with my in-laws a bit, but not enough to make me unhappy. Staying connected to them would have made life much worse.

 

Hang in, we all go through rough patches, especially at holiday time. Stay strong and maintain no contact and you will get through it.

[Alittlelost]

It sounds like you really had a life together and this may explain her hesitation in breaking. I know its hard but look at it this way are they good reasons to be together? Should you be together simply because her family approve, you share friends and had a good life? Is that all your worth? A good life. It's nothing to knock. I know people who are togther simply because of all they share.

However, don't you want real love? Passion. Somebody who loves you for you. Who thinks your amazing. Who drives you so crazy you could scream but still can't help but love them everytime you look into their eyes? Who smells great. Who makes you laugh just because your sad. Who cuddles you when your ill even if your to poorly to shower? Who can't wait to kiss you? Who calls you even though they are on their way home because they have missed you so much?

I know it's really hard to loose so much but I hope you both find real love and have more than just a nice life.

[ThatwasThen]

I know its hard but try your best not to concentrate on what you'll be missing but rather focus on what is ahead that will be much better for you.

 

She has a drinking problem: You'll now be clear of all the negative issues that being with someone who is an alcoholic entails.

 

You will be free of the drama of splitting and trying to glue a relationship back together. You know now that its over for good so you can accept and move on to find someone new without substance abuse issues.

 

You can see your (once mutual) friends without her and her embarrassing drunkenness where you'll enjoy their company. Just because you and she broke up it doesn't mean you have to give up friends you shared. Hopefully those friends understand that. Pick yourself up and invite them to your's for a holiday cocktail and a bite to nibble.

 

Use anger to help you to understand that you're far better off without her and her alcohol issues and if you can't do that then DO get yourself to an alanon meeting or to codependents anonymous to find out why you stayed so long with someone that you knew was not a good partner for you. You'll get over your addiction to having her in your life far quicker if you understand why the only reason you stayed with her was due to your own addiction to her and your need to caretake which is the unhealthy opposite to caregive.

 

Here's a couple of links that pertain to what I mean:

 

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Good luck. Feel better soon... do that by working on you and being the best you that you can be so you'll be ready when someone more healthy comes along.

[can1328]

Thank you for this. We actually went to a few sessions of couples counseling before she gave up completely. I went to the last one by myself. The counselor actually recommended I go to an alanon meeting as well. She noticed issues with my ex and her denying she had an issue in the 1st session. I came up with several scenarios that proved she had a substance abuse problem from the beginning of the relationship. I see that part of the relationship and all the heartache that I had dealing with some of her sporadic episodes that embarrassed me. I'm happy that will no longer be and I can find another person who respects me and wants to have a happy and healthy relationship.

 

The other side of this is the life I had before is tough to let go. Even with this issue, I cared for the other side of her deeply. The side of her that was able to get her masters degree and succeed in getting a good career, our good friends, etc. It was the life that I felt was going to lead to marriage and children. That marriage would be doomed from the start if this issue never got handled... But putting that aside, I'm devastated that it's ruined. I feel like she put me in a position I never wanted to be in. I wanted to be married in the next year or so and start a family like most of my (our) other friends. Now I'm debating when is a good time to go on a dating website. It's terrible. And I guess the thing that baffles me the most about this is that the feeling was mutual. She wanted it with me too. She talked about marriage, she called me on the way home from work just to talk. We spent great quality time together. We owned a boat and enjoyed it the marina life together. We also had a golf membership and every Tuesday this past summer would be our standing golf night date. I miss that part of her which was 80% of the time. The other 20% was filled with drunken nights with friends and surrounding herself with single friends that didn't compliment her well. It all just fell apart and now I feel like my entire life has been ripped from me. I was all in but I guess she wasn't and that's why she jumped ship.

 

I'm trying to make sense of it all but I can't. I will try to look toward the future and not the past.

[ThatwasThen]

This is why you'd do well to get your own personal councelling with a therapist proficient in codependency issues or go to an alanon/CODA meeting and see if its your cup of tea... I'm more then sure you're like most codependents and you ignored red flags from the beginning due possibly to you having no or weak personal boundaries. You should get help working on those (personal boundaries) so that you have the inner confidence and good self-worth to know that you quickly get yourself away from someone who is displaying red flags... that you do so because you have the love of self to know that you deserve better then someone who is displaying behaviour that generally goes against your grain.

 

Don't try to make sense of anything she has done... she has her own set of issues that will only get worse as she ages and her addiction gets worst (which is surely will) instead think about what you can do to be the best you that you can be so that you don't pick another one just like her (but with her own set of unique issues) in the future.

 

I don't think she "jumped ship" because she wasn't all in like you were, she jumped ship because being in a relationship with someone that didn't have her alcohol issues was cramping her from getting her drink on, guilt free.

 

You can do better and I hope you learn to realize that. You'll not agree at the moment but I'm glad for you that she broke up with you. In your codependency you never would have been the one to leave her (for good) and you'd be sorry in the future when her problem caused you worse pain then you're currently in.

 

Be well.

[can1328]

Great advice Thatwasthen. I've read it over and over and that is really sinking in with me. You're right, I would've never left her. I would've tried to fix her in hopes that it will get better. Obviously I know that's the wrong outlook. I shouldn't have to fix a partner.

 

Another update.. Last Friday I received a text from her asking if I got the dog that I had been planning to get. I ignored the text. A few hours later another came in... "guess not". I ignored that as well. Then around midnight, two calls one after another come in while I'm home. I didn't answer that either. Then 20 minutes later my doorbell rings. Here she is, at my door. I'm not the type of person to get any police involved because that is unnecessary. I went to the door and told her to leave and that I don't want to see her. I then shut the door and luckily she left without a fight. We did text slightly after she left. I caved and answered her because I was really startled by her showing up. She said something that really stuck with me. She said "you are doing all these things I wanted. fixing up the whole kitchen, knocking down the wall, getting back into running and getting a dog. You did all this after I left, it's like a slap in the face." This was all stuff we were planning to do but she left. Why is she blaming this on me? I guess I just don't understand and shouldn't try to understand it. It still makes me think though. If she's still showing up at my house and she's so upset about seeing me do all these things, what is making her leave for good? Don't get me wrong..not that I want her back. I just really want to understand.

[Clinton]

Let it go.

[sky09]

the more you try to understand - the more you will be confused. there is no rational explanation. stop focusing all your thoughts on her and her actions - that's the road to nowhere.

[ThatwasThen]

Its all about HER ego. Believe me, she's not got your interests in mind at all. There is absolutely nothing good to come of trying to figure out what is going around in the thought process of an alcoholic or any other type of addicted.. It's mainly related to them trying to manipulate you in some way actually.

 

Good for you for not answering her. Now... don't let her rent space in your brain for free. When you're ready, block and delete her so she can't keep screwing with your head. Going zero contact is the fastest way for you to get to the blissful stage of indifference to her.

 

Cheers.

 

P.S. Don't let her hoover you back to her just for you to go through all the same issues with her yet again. She has no interest in changing or quitting drinking. That should be the only reason why you'd even consider a do-over with her.

[can1328]

I got a text from her the following Wednesday (last Wednesday) asking if she can stop by and see the new dog I adopted. I told her I was busy that night and the rest of the week in very short, to the point texts. She kept texting me saying if you come home early tonight, I'll stop by..etc. I never texted her back since I did come home later that night. I haven't heard from her since.

 

Tonight is a party my friends and I put on every year. We rent out a bar and all get together. She's been to the last 6 years. I assume she will feel badly knowing she's not going to be there this year. She also mentioned that when we spoke a few months back. I feel bad too. As I say in many posts... I recognize I can't have a healthy relationship with the girl as she is now. But I miss the companionship with her. If there was anything good about our relationship, it was that we were very close and shared so many things together. Tonight's party and the Holiday is one of those things. I'm going to have to put a face on tonight but deep down I'm feeling really badly. The constant pain has gone away but I still get the stomach pain occasionally when something pops in my mind. I look forward the the day that goes away forever.

 

Happy Holidays everyone.

[sky09]

Dude, check out some Eckhart Tolle books to put some perspective on leaving your life in the "Now." F her, she is not worth your feelings nor your thoughts anymore. Stop engaging her in meaningless conversation that sets you back.

At this point, you have nothing to discuss with her after what she did. Not even reconciliation. If she were ever to come back, she'd have to be able to see her actions from a third-person view. That requires months/years/decades of meaningful work.