Is 6 months enough time to decide long term prospects?

[whitwhit]

I started dating someone new, I have only known him for 2 months and we have only been together/intimate for 1. We both live abroad, but are Americans. He blows me away. Its crazy how compatible we are.

 

Before I met him, I made the decision to move to another Asian country in April. When we originally met and started being interested in one another- I had only intended to stay friends and maybe have a few beneficial experiences with him. However, the sex was so amazing... and we started talking constantly, it became very clear to both of us that there is a HUGE spark.

 

We have the trifecta:

1. Chemistry to kill for

2. Complete emotional openness on both sides

3. Similar interests and views

 

Literally, my heart races every minute we are alone together. It boggles me because initially, while thinking he looked interesting- I could have easily passed him over. He's a huge dork, but so very emotionally mature and kind. We also seem to have the same energy levels. Really happy I didn't overlook him!

 

The thing is that he lives 3 hours by train from me currently. Which is why after we discovered we had this connection- I put off formally committing to him... but the more time I spent with him the more difficult it became to keep this resolution. Finally, I gave in (because he'd been asking to be my boyfriend since the 2nd night). And my feelings for this person have blossomed and constantly astounded me. We have made plans to regularly visit each other as often as funds and time will permit (weekends basically). We also talk daily more than once, if not thrice.

 

HOWEVER- he is going to stay in Japan for one more year, its a done deal. He doesn't want to move to China (where I will be going), but has already made plans to visit me. He says, (volunteered these suggestions to me) that he would be willing to do an LDR if things pan out between us while I still live here, so long as I promise to move to an english speaking country (NZ, Australia, Scotland...etc) with him the following year. At the moment, I do not think I am prepared to move back to the States for financial reasons... I need to save a greater amount to go back and deal with my debts; and have enough to get a car, place to live...etc. Which is why he's really keen to go to New Zealand- also because we both love the outdoors.

 

The last time I saw him, we spoke about this for nearly an hour and a half. He seems very serious about this. He says he hasn't ever felt so strongly about anyone.

 

Is 6 months enough time to determine whether such a thing would be a smart move? The romantic side of me says yes- but a dark corner in my mind worries about going either way on this... We have both had experience in long term relationships (2 or more years), him longer than I... I guess I am just afraid to trust my judgement again, and to have to rely now on a judgement I will have to make so far in the future.

 

I am crazy about him now- but I have been here before... Am I really going to make a mature decision at that point? The correct decision, or am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?

[Mischa234]

I think it's great that he's expressed so much interest in you. If you feel he's genuine, I'd say go for it. Make sure you listen to your gut if something happens to make you question things, but not over your own insecurities (this post for example is you just wanting to protect yourself but he hasn't done anything as far as I can tell to make you worry?).

 

6 months is long enough to make a commitment to someone, yes. Whether you see that commitment through is a continual choice that you can only make in the future if it comes to a crossroad. If you like him and you're prepared to take the pitfalls of a long distance relationship until you can be reunited, then go for it.

 

I think it's an amazing opportunity that you've found someone to travel with and share so much with. You seem quite positive about it so I'd say it's a green light.

[Snny]

He says... that he would be willing to do an LDR if things pan out between us while I still live here, so long as I promise to move to an english speaking country (NZ, Australia, Scotland...etc) with him the following year.

...

Is 6 months enough time to determine whether such a thing would be a smart move?

My personal opinion is no. The way I interpret his deal is pressuring. It's understandable that he is moving somewhere else and wants to feel that the LDR he will have is real and not a waste of time. On the other side of the coin, it's a heck of a commitment to put on the table when you haven't know each other for a long time. It is too risky to move in with a guy, someone you haven't known for over a year, to another foreign country and live with if there is no talks of marriage. There have been many posters who have moved to foreign countries with their boyfriends/girlfriends and end up stuck and unhappy because they made the move way too soon in the relationship. This is not something to do and take so light-heartily.

 

You are putting your neck on the line and throwing out a lot of trust into this person when you still barely know him. It is way too soon to strike that deal considering the level of commitment you guys have now. Like you said, you have financial concerns and may not even be able to go with him... then what? A year is a very long time to hold someone to when you all haven't even known each other for a year. And this is coming from a poster who has been in and out of a LDR for a few years before getting married.

 

Be aware that as of now, you are just going through the honeymoon phrase of the relationship. Everything seems like roses and rainbows until you both face real problems together- thing you cannot do until you live closer together.

 

So my advice is to slow down and enjoy the relationship for now. It hasn't been a year. Give it time to grow and see what happens with it.

[DancingFool]

If I understand correctly, he is staying in Japan for one full year? Correct? So, if you go on to China, your relationship will be an LDR for one year and only after that, you both have to make a decision on where to move in order to close the distance. So at this point, there is not much in the way of decisions other than keep on dating and getting to know each other. Let the initial lust of sexual attraction cool off and see how the relationship looks going forward. In short, you have plenty of time to keep getting to know each other and a year of LDR is a long time. Your relationship may grow stronger or falter and end. No crystal ball to tell the future. You just have to go live it.

 

My other advice to you is whatever path you choose, make sure you can live and work independently. Do not became a dependent. For example, if you choose to move to NZ together and live together, live modestly. Meaning that either one of you can afford the rent solo. So if something happens, you are both free to walk. Give yourself a thorough out so that staying and letting the relationship grow is truly a free choice and not a trap you are stuck in.

[whitwhit]

 

So my advice is to slow down and enjoy the relationship for now. It hasn't been a year. Give it time to grow and see what happens with it.

 

Give it time and see what happens, meaning what alternate outcome should things be going well?

[Mischa234]

My other advice to you is whatever path you choose, make sure you can live and work independently. Do not became a dependent. For example, if you choose to move to NZ together and live together, live modestly. Meaning that either one of you can afford the rent solo. So if something happens, you are both free to walk. Give yourself a thorough out so that staying and letting the relationship grow is truly a free choice and not a trap you are stuck in.

 

Wiser words could not have been spoken! Don't move straight in with him - travel with him if you will, but where ever you settle for a while definitely live apart! I'm not sure if you have lived with a partner before OP but it is a hugely stressful transition even if you know the person well and love them deeply. My partner and I went through a really rough transition when we moved in together, even though we had basically not spent a night apart for 6 months or more. It's a huge commitment to be in someone's face everyday, and when you haven't seen that person face to face for much of your relationship, potentially disastrous. Once it comes to the move, planning and caution are definitely your friends!

[Capricorn3]

I started dating someone new, I have only known him for 2 months

To be brutally honest, I think all of these plans/discussions are way way way too premature. You have only known him for 2 months - that's hardly time to really get to know a person (imo). Even 6 months is still too early to make such a big move as going to another country with someone.

 

I also agree 100% with Snny's post. Please read her post several times and don't make any rash decisions too hastily. You really need to give yourself a LOT more time to get to know this guy before contemplating moving to another country with him.