trying hard to kill all hope

[Kaiser_Soze]

There's no doubt slumpbusters can boost the ego but he was just obsessing over the girl that left, wanting her to see how he is planning on changing, then less than a week later he is going out on a date. Some situations, that's the perfect answer, not this one. It's destructive behavior, probably more about burning the bridge with the ex and making it his doing than feeling the pain of being left. Then the added ego boost of landing another girl quickly. My point is it's just kicking the ball down the road for him and/or his new girl to deal with. It doesn't take courage or strength to do that. On the other hand if the depression was severe or he was suicidal, kicking the ball down the road maybe buying enough time to eventually deal with the problems when things get better.

 

No offense OP.

[rich1]

None taken! In honesty I went in to see my therapist Monday thinking the same. She thought me getting back out there was a good think as long as I continue to work on the issues we agreed on.

 

She gave me a book - the secret life of love and sex by Terrance watts- which was excellent and i read cover to cover in 2 days.

 

It taught me some excellent coping mechanisms, gave me an insight unto my personality and an understanding of the opposite sex.

 

I'm not going into this date expecting anything other than to have fun. If she wished to take it further I'd be fair and explain how I'm just out of a LTR.

[chamachama]

None taken! In honesty I went in to see my therapist Monday thinking the same. She thought me getting back out there was a good think as long as I continue to work on the issues we agreed on.

 

She gave me a book - the secret life of love and sex by Terrance watts- which was excellent and i read cover to cover in 2 days.

 

It taught me some excellent coping mechanisms, gave me an insight unto my personality and an understanding of the opposite sex.

 

I'm not going into this date expecting anything other than to have fun. If she wished to take it further I'd be fair and explain how I'm just out of a LTR.

 

I think that's a great idea. I am totally for it. Just don't put too much weight into it and know what you want from it. You DON'T want a relationship. You want fun for now. Make sure the girl knows that. If she's cool with that, then go forth and have a blast with her.

 

My advice would be to not be too caught up with her (take it for what it is, just fun) and make damn sure you are doing new things for yourself as well. Have you joined a gym yet? Are you getting into good shape? Joining any link removed groups? Volunteering? Any new fun physical activities you might be interested that are in a group atmosphere where you can meet new people and progress with them?

 

That is how you really start to move forward and heal. By filling the hole in your chest left by your ex, with new cool fun healthy experiences that have everything to do with YOU, and nothing at all to do with your ex...

[rich1]

Oh yes, I'm definitely not ready for a relationship. I got a big Xmas bonus today and a promotion, as well as life is going the hurt still sits off in the distance that I can't share this excellent news with her.

 

I'm lifting weights, playing more sport (lost a stone in 3 weeks) and forcing myself to socialise.

 

I even looked at my bills and I have an extra £1000 for myself now that she is gone.

 

I'm looking at the positives and edging towards acceptance, but the loneliness tells me I'm not quite there yet. Compared to last time we broke up though, I'm in a better place after 3 weeks than I was in 3 months!

[rich1]

OK this past 24 hours has been hellish.

 

We still have bills to pay - my emails to her on that subject fell on deaf ears. That coupled with my desire to share my good news with her yesterday ,(I didn't) lead me to do a silly thing today.

 

I won a bottle of champagne at work in an Xmas draw. I immediately went upstairs, plonked it on her desk and said "well done on your new job" (she got promoted too)

 

IDIOT! "Oh wow she will see I'm still a sweet caring guy"

 

No. She said thanks and that's it. She sent a pic of the bottle to a mutual friend who told me. Now I'm convinced she is laughing at how pathetic I am.

 

Setback.

[chamachama]

Remember that in a few months, this entire thing will be behind you. And she will be GONE. How you choose to react in front of her and the impression that you leave is up to you. You can be the weak pathetic puppy that she broke up with, or you can be the strong decisive resilient man that she had no idea was there...

 

Either way, by then she will be memories and gone from your life whether you choose to be one way or the other. Result will be the same. Choose wisely... your self worth, pride, and self respect depend on it.

[bellemort]

I have since seen a member post the same advice - NC all the way as much as you possibly can (but I'm sure you already know this). And re-programme your brain for when thoughts of her pop into your brain, just changing the channel and think about something else, this is hard at first but will become easier and the less you obsess and question, the less it intrudes your thoughts. Obviously when you get really sad and youre hit by it, you should wallow in it for a bit, cry or do whatever it is lads do. But then pick yourself up and crack on. Don't beat yourself up about this action, don't think she'll see you as pathetic, because all this will be a distant memory to you both in time, just make sure you start being strong now.

[rich1]

Yeah I guess that's the thing that I'm still struggling on most of all.

 

As the thread states - the killing of the hope. I know it will die off in time, its just hard when friends who were recently in my situation said that the time apart did their relationships the world of good. Add that to the fact that my ex came back after a month NC last time and I'm setting myself up for a fall lol

[chamachama]

Just an opinion here after reading some of your posts about what went on... not that it matters, but I think there is a third party involved. And if that's the case, dude, get the heck out of there as fast as humanly possible. There is no going back man either way though.

 

And stop being nice, sad, happy, angry, depressed or any emotion at all in front of her. Indifference....that is all she should get. Every time you come in contact with her (which should ONLY be regarding the house and nothing else EVER) and you pull off complete indifference... you will totally walk away and feel better and better every time you pull it off. Try it, you'll see what I'm talking about.

[rich1]

Bumped into her today going into the office. She has gotten wind of my date through a mutual friend and asked how it went, I told her that it fell through (no point lying).

 

She told me last week she had an appointment with the bank on sat to she what she could do regarding splitting our debt, so I asked how that went - she told me she ended up not going.

 

She has emailed me a few times this morning about money too.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am focussing on getting better. But things like this bring back the old false hope thing. Why is she asking about my date? Does she care and is scared it went well. Obviously there's no way to know but my rational head says yes.

 

I've told her that I don't want to push for selling the house and that I'd rather focus my energies on my counselling and getting better. But at the same time I know in my heart I'm stalling for time so that she can see how much I'm trying to change.

 

Bah, thank goodness I can vent here. I was very tempted to go off on one again to her about how I'm trying etc...

[rich1]

This feeling won't last I'm sure. But I'm done with this.

 

I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done pining over what's gone. I'm done obsessing over every little detail.

 

I love this woman. I know I have made mistakes. I am trying to be a better person.

 

From this day forward my life gets a royal kick up the arse. She fell in love with an awesome guy. I will be him again.

 

Scratch that. I will be BETTER. I will learn from this experience. And if I'm lucky in that she can see this change, I won't repeat my downfall. If she doesn't, I won't repeat it with the next girl.

 

My new life starts today.

 

Thank you everyone for your time reading and your advice. You have all helped me through some very dark times. May you all find the happiness you deserve.

[AutumnBorn]

Rich, your last post is so great. When I decided that what I was doing wasn't working for me on any level, when I made the decision to be happy and took action, my life completely turned around. You are on the best track possible. Your life is about to open up into a million possibilities. Enjoy the ride.

[chamachama]

Wow man, its pretty hard to read that you refuse to listen the good advice on this forum and that you are steaming toward making things much much more difficult for yourself. You are stalling on selling the house because you are hoping that she will change her mind. Do you know how delusional, disrespectful to her, and pathetic that is? I can say without a shred of a doubt that eventually she will decide to take things into her own hands and lawyer up... at that point you will know why we told you to move quickly regarding the sale of the house.

 

When she asked about the date, you should have said "that's not something I discuss with you. I talk about selling the house with you. That is it." Which is the only thing you could have said that she would have respected at all. She won, you lost. She gets to dump you (most likely for someone else) and gets to have you speak to her like she isn't turning your life on its side. Must be nice for her. Just wait until the inevitable happens and she is gone from your life completely.... you will feel like the biggest pathetic loser for being sweet to her while she cared about one thing and one thing only....moving on from YOU. Basically by you being pathetic and answering her "it fell through you basically validated who you are in her mind. Inside she said "yup, he is exactly who I thought he is and I am right to leave him". Don't you get that man? How can you not see that?

 

She is GONE man. Every time you drag your feet because of hope thats not at all there, she wrecks you a little more. Every time you speak to her like she isn't about to toss your heart in the toilet and relieve herself on it...she wrecks you a little more (and validates why she broke up with you).

 

She doesn't want you to "get better". She wants you gone from her life and her sight. As hard as that is to come to terms with, that is what the reality is. Can you imagine being stuck in a house with a girl who you did not want to be with anymore, and she wont work with you on selling the house because she's set on trying to get you to see her in a different light than you currently do? You would get pretty angry with her wouldn't you... That is what you are doing to your ex now.

 

You are set on learning the hard way and it will suck beyond comprehension when she finally feels cornered and stuck enough to do what she MUST do and roll over you and get the house sold so she can move on with her own life. And trust me when I say that it will NOT feel good for you at all when she does that to you.

 

You've been warned.

[chamachama]

She asked about your date because she is completely indifferent toward you. She would rather know that you're moving on, rather than being mortally wounded. If she wanted to be back with you, she would be. She doesn't though. And she doesn't care at all that you were with someone else and moving on. Maybe he was hoping you were with another so that she could come clean about her own new guy.... which is much more likely than her not wanting you to move on...which if that was the case she would surely stop the breakup.

 

Wake up man.

[AutumnBorn]

t's his life and he knows his ex better than anyone. Telling him what we think he should have done, as opposed to what we might have done, and what she will do is akin to our saying "I know you, her, and your life better than you do, so do as I say". We can't protect him from the pain he has to go through. Sad, isn't it?

[chamachama]

He is in denial of what's occurring. And yes, him being weak in front of her will do the opposite of what he wants. And being anything but a strong driven man intent on living a happy life for himself regardless of her, is weak. She won't respect that, unless she is attracted to weak men... which if that's the case, by all means continue being nice and sweat to her while she trounces your heart.

[chamachama]

He is in denial of what's occurring. And yes, him being weak in front of her will do the opposite of what he wants. And being anything but a strong driven man intent on living a happy life for himself regardless of her, is weak. She won't respect that, unless she is attracted to weak men... which if that's the case, by all means continue being nice and sweat to her while she trounces your heart.

 

Minimal contact and indifference as much as possible is the best possible way to react in the face of his situation. Anything else will end up hurting him.

[rich1]

Youre absolutely right. My previous post about not letting this define my life still stands. But yes, I was in denial big time.

 

Today was especially rough. When I have hope, NC is impossible. So I decided to do the only thing I could: smash it to bits. I told her I want to sell the house asap, that our communication should be about the house and that alone, that I'm not putting a "let's not talk until Jan" rule in place - I'm done. Finished.

 

I called my therapist who gave me good advice: "don't waste your breath an energy on apologies and false hope because she probably doesn't care. Focus on making new memories"

 

That's what I intend to do.

 

I couldn't care less about appearing weak. Yes I want her back. But I don't want to want her. She has left me twice, she bought a house with me knowing how she felt. She dumped me the morning after my birthday. Her opinion of me no longer matters. It sucks but there it is

[chamachama]

Good for you man. I'm betting it felt better saying that than all the kissing of her brown sheriff badge while she wipes her feet on you.

[rich1]

Good for you man. I'm betting it felt better saying that than all the kissing of her brown sheriff badge while she wipes her feet on you.

 

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't feel good in the slightest. But it puts me in a better position to heal.

 

My attitude towards all of this has almost been bi-polar, and that's no good for me. Time for a reality check

[rich1]

She contacted me today about money (also wished me a merry Xmas but I think she was merely being polite).

 

She basically said that the car that she decided to take off me is too expensive. She can't afford the tax, MOT and new tyres. That she feels lumbered with it and feels I should pay half as the finance on the car is in my name.

 

She has me over a barrel as if I say no she just hands it back.

 

I knew it was only a matter of time before the knife began to turn

[chamachama]

She contacted me today about money (also wished me a merry Xmas but I think she was merely being polite).

 

She basically said that the car that she decided to take off me is too expensive. She can't afford the tax, MOT and new tyres. That she feels lumbered with it and feels I should pay half as the finance on the car is in my name.

 

She has me over a barrel as if I say no she just hands it back.

 

I knew it was only a matter of time before the knife began to turn

 

The faster you sever ALL ties with her, the better your life will start to be. The longer you have ties with her, the more pain and anguish will continue.

 

Her money issues are not your problem anymore. If she doesn't want the car, then it should be yours, period. If she believes she is entitled to half the car (and you agree), then sell it and give her half the proceeds.

 

She will try and get the upper hand by using you and getting every bit of help from you that she can get. She will use everything at her disposal too. She might be nice to you and make you think there is chance when there isn't. She might talk you into bending on things and little by little get the best of you. But in the end, whether she talks you into helping her with money issues and whatever else or not....she will be GONE. Either way...GONE. Remember that.

 

And once that happens expect to be completely and utterly removed from her life. As in blocked, deleted, ignored. You will be left with yourself and that's it man. Whats left of yourself when she's gone is up to you. And whether you drag your feet or not she will STILL be gone....

 

I said it before man. This is war. She is firing the first shots by changing things to suit her. "Merry Xmass! I can't afford the car on my own, so you have to pay for half of it. Thanks! Seeya!"

 

I'm telling you man, get this all behind you as quickly as possible or you will be severely regretting it.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't have even wished her happy holidays back. I would have simply and calmly asked "are you calling about the house?" And if not I would have told her I had to go. Period.

 

That shows her that you are not going to be manipulated and that you are now looking to move on. That you're not pathetic guy pining to get her back. Show her some freaking reality in her face man! Get things done! Ram it down her throat! Be the catalyst for forward progress man! Don't let her take that from you!

 

Shes gone man. Regardless she is gone! Get it? Now be a man and make good stuff happen! Make your new life happen. Don't let her force the new life on you. Take it for yourself!

 

If you ever want her to have any respect at all for you, then you will start behaving in this fashion.

[rich1]

Yeah, she got no holiday wishes from me. Nor did she get anything of the sort when she text me early this morning about taxing the car and said "I hope you're OK" I answered her question and left it at that.

 

I'm going to message her shortly informing her that Im going to put the car up for sale and get a loan to cover the rest of the finance.

 

You are right that she will try to use me. At no point have I rolled over. I'm merely being polite so that she doesn't throw her toys and lumber me with all of the finance

[chamachama]

nix the "hope you're ok's" next time. She doesn't care that you hope she is ok. Just sticking to logistics is not at all rude or impolite. Her leaving you and thinking that you should care about her money issues is impolite. The times that you just keep it completely to logistics even when she tries to manipulate you and be nice to you, you will notice yourself feeling better and better each time you do that. Indifference man... It is the best possible way to react. That and moving swiftly and being the catalyst for any forward progress in regard to selling the house and the car etc...

 

She started this YOU finish it! You will be SO much better off if you react this way...

 

 

Typical conservation should go similarly to this:

 

Her: Hey how are you?

You:

Her: So anyway, I would like to know when you plan on meeting with the Realtor

You: I already spoke to the Realtor, I left you a voice mail asking what days you're free to discuss showings

Her: Oh, sorry I forgot to check my VM. My fault!

You:

Her: Well, ok I will let you know the times I am available. Have a great day!!=)

You:

 

 

Get it? Logistics, that is ALL you should discuss with her and nothing else from here on in.

 

Another example:

 

Her: Hey Happy New Year!

You:

 

She shouldn't be given the support anymore. Being nice and sweet to her supports her. She's throwing you out... its about time that it felt that way to her. Right now she gets to wipe her feet on you while she gets nice guy that she's used to getting. No more of that stuff mang. Indifference. No emotions. No showing her the inside of you anymore. Save that for the next girl who sticks around and deserves it. She does NOT deserve it anymore.

 

Keep it strictly logistics. And watch how much better you feel when you pull it off every time you do...

[rich1]

Yeah - I didn't say I hoped she was OK, she said that to me. I ignored it and answered her question about the car