Please Help me........ive got a good girl

[aries]

you hit it right on the nose SASHA..

[lady00]

First of all, try not to be so hard on yourself...you're not shallow. We all need passion and a sexual connection/attraction in a relationship and that's sometimes a reason why relationships have to end. You need to have your needs met otherwise you will eventually become resentful and that will be unfair to both of you. You are stuck in a rut and you have two basic options: 1) work through it 2) break up. Only you know for sure. I think in this situation you need to go by your gut feeling. Does your gut tell you to stay with her? It may be as simple as that.

[Rosa]

Abacab I have a fear that I will get there if I don't do something about it now...i had already read your post before and I feel that you should try to focus on you, i think you already focused on "us" for a while and it didn't work, its 20 years....its a long time I don't even know if you can ever remember anything before then....but you are still young and can definitely make a move, try not to be afraid to do what your heart tells you, sometimes is the right thing to do. its never too late... I guess I can see myself in you in the futureif I marry this guy, (he's ready, i know) but, how can I tell him and not hurt his ego? I don't know

the thing with me is that I think HE THINKS that he is "all that" in bed....i think i'm even loosing my thouch......OHHHHH NOOOOOOOO , I GUESS YOU GOTTA LAUGH A LITTLE you know what to do.............................

[Abacab]

Hello Rosa,

 

As sasha points out correctly and as I have experienced it first hand, sexual compatibility is something not to be taken lightly in a relationship; especially if this relationship is heading towards marriage...

 

Can a relationship survive without sex? Maybe.... But I know that I'm not the type who can continue with that forever.

 

If your SO is marvelous in every aspect other than sexual compatibility, your future will eventually look as bleak as mine. I have a daughter and although I'm really pissed off by my situation, at least I have the priviledge to call myself a decent parent for having sticked around for so long.

 

I would urge anyone here who do not have children yet to look closely into the matter of sexual compatibility with their partners and reach a decision better sooner than later.

[kipster]

Hello.....Im 27 years old. I have been with my girlfirend for the last 3 years now. She is a GREAT person.....has done so much for me. She has also never judged me. I LOVE HER.....SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND...BUT......I think i want to break up. I believe that we are not on the same level sexually and am completely bored in that department of our relationship. I am a little wild and adventurous......and she is totally not. I dont know what to do........i feel i know what i have to do...but dont know how to go about it. I know she has been talking to her friends about marriage(seriously).

 

Sounds to me like what really has you second guessing this relaitonship is a fear that you're headed toward the dreaded 'M'. That is, marriage. Seems like that committment is what's really behind this. I've dated women that were extremely sexual and some that were prude, that doesn't make or break a REAL-ATIONSHIP. Seems like at 27 you see the 'wild and adventurous' side in jeopardy, particularly in terms of marriage. But I have news for you, many of the girls that I met that were really 'sexual' had alot of practice in getting to that point and weren't the good girls, in terms of the one's that you'd be proud to take home to mom and that you could trust. Many of them I couldn't trust as far as I could throw them and with the diseases out here these days, trust is big. Plus, you might never meet a woman that's as "wild and adventurous" as you're looking for. You might, but you might not, so keep that in mind. I can tell you from experience, women/men come a dime a dozen. But good ones, are hard to find (don't mean to sound cliche).

 

With all the positive qualities that you've expressed about this woman EVEN YOU KNOW that she's a catch. I know she must be beautiful and intelligent as well. A real killer combination, but apparently that's not enough for you and that's O.K. Doesn't make you shallow, just picky about what you're looking for and you have that right. HOWEVER, ask yourself one question. Could you stand to see that 'good girl' with the next man enjoying herself, potentially having the sex that you desire with him, and having his children and marrying him, and never once speaking to you again? If the answer is yes and you're A-O.K., with that be honest with her and tell her why you're dumping her and then move on. If its NO, then really ask yourself what you really want and need in a woman and take a second look at what's in front of you. Either way though, you should be honest with her and communicate with what SPECIFICALLY bothers you about her and her willingness to engage in sex. Personally that can be fixed. Perhaps, she wants to be married before she opens up. Actually, I'd respect that alot. Or perhaps there's something about YOU that doesn't bring out the BEST IN HER? Have you ever asked her that? Anyways, think about this and BE 100% HONEST WITH HER in how you feel. It doesn't make you weak to discuss you're feelings with her expecially if she's a friend in the manner you described above. She at the very least deserves that, as would you if SHE was thinking about leaving you. Hope this helps....

 

Kip

[aries]

Thanks for the insight KIP...........She is wonderful. Update....I think we broke up tonight. Seems as if the displeasure in my LOVE life has spilled into other areas of my relationship. I like wild Lov'in...but am not really a CRAZY guy. I dont really want to go out and deal wiht all the B.S. of dating and finding someone. Goin by what you said...she is a PRUDE. So i dont have the romantic connection with her that i would like to have. I dont know what to do at this point. SHE MAY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN AFTER TONIGHT>

 

Thanks again for the response.

[aries]

KIPSTER........one other thing.......im not affraid of marriage at all. What i am affraid of is getting married and being miserable for the rest of my life or getting divorced.

[kipster]

Thanks for the insight KIP...........She is wonderful. Update....I think we broke up tonight. Seems as if the displeasure in my LOVE life has spilled into other areas of my relationship. I like wild Lov'in...but am not really a CRAZY guy. I dont really want to go out and deal wiht all the B.S. of dating and finding someone. Goin by what you said...she is a PRUDE. So i dont have the romantic connection with her that i would like to have. I dont know what to do at this point. SHE MAY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN AFTER TONIGHT>

 

Thanks again for the response.

 

You 'think' you broke up tonight? I don't quite know what that means really. Either you did or you didn't. Did you initiate or did she? And if so, what were the particulars?

 

Also, one other quick note. I think a 'romantic' and a 'sexual' connection are two different things aries. A romantic connection deals with sharing more of an emotional connection that may not even consist of sex. Sometimes sex may be viewed as a way of showing affection or romance, but the two things are not necessarily related. For instance, you can have sex with a woman that you have no feelings for or no 'romantic' interest in. So I don't think just because she's a 'prude' means that you don't have the 'romantic connection with her that [you'd] like to have'. Honestly, I think you don't have the sexual connection with her that you'd like to have. And the ironic part about that is, with women, the romantic connection is what will generally get you the 'sexual connection' that you'd like. But us men, like you and I, generally don't understand that and then become frustrated when a woman doesn't just want to rip off her clothes and get it on at the drop of a hat. But the 'romance' is the most important part and women need that, especially if you want them to open up and grow with you. Trust me, its taken me along time and alot of heartache to realize that and generally that only comes when the 'good girl' that you took for granted is getting that 'romance' from the next man. That's why I asked you to really consider your decsion carefully.

 

Also, please don't take what I'm saying personally, I'm not trying to judge you, i.e., considering you a 'crazy guy', in any way. Indeed, I can empathize with you referring to all the 'B.S.' involved in dating and finding someone and the things you mentioned. I've been there and done that, and have the t-shirt to prove it. And although relationships/dating can be fun at times, you also have to remember that to get a prince/ess you'll have to generally kiss a few toads along the way. And when you finally get there, you realize that in alot of instances what you had was generally a good thing had you invested and worked on it. A relationship is work and it has ups and downs, but you get out of it what you put into it. Even when you do find 'Mrs. Right' you probably look back on this experience and say, "you know my X wasn't that bad of a girl to begin with and those 'sex issues' that I thought were so big, were really nothing." I'm just trying to save you the trip since I've already been there (but by the looks of your post above, maybe its too late). And remember, your woman can read you and knows when S*it is going downhill long before you do. Its a gift they have. They know whether your the marriage type, whether they'll sleep with you or not, whether you're a gamer or not, long before you can even begin to come to those conclusions. Its a 6th sense they have that us guys don't. So don't be too worried about the dumping part if that's what you really want to do, I'm sure she might even be able to see the signs as we speak (or should I say as we had spoke in our last post, given the recent developments).

[aries]

UPDATE: Well we have spoken and will continue speaking through out the weekend. We have been plainly explaining what it is that we both want from each other. I am at ease knowing that if we decide not to continue....that we love and repsect each other...will be friends....and ended our relationship with positive communication and hopes that she will be moving on to something that may be better for her own happiness.

[iamwhoiam]

when both people are mature about the situation and honestly communicate their needs, then it is that much more likely you can end on good terms with no hard feelings.

 

in the future you may one day be able to be good friends again. regardless, i hope things work out for you both, whether you stay together or not. keep us posted.

 

take care,

t

[aries]

Update.....at this point....she has sadi that she DOESNT want to break up. Ive told her we should take a few days to think clearly. I love her...but cant decide if i should forgo the passion I desire in favor of all of the other positive qualities.

[iamwhoiam]

when you discussed the break up, what reasons did you give her? does she understand that you are unhappy with that aspect of your relationship?

[aries]

Yes she does know that I feel there is no passion in our relationship. Her reply is "I am who I am.". Until i mentioned it....she has never even asked what it is that i wanted and on what level in order to try to understand my argument. She thinks i focus to much on the sexual part. I really dont. I just want to know that something satisfying is there when those moments come. Im just really confused casue everything else is great. Im just not happy wiht this part of our relationship.

[striderhiryu81]

I would stay with ther. She seems to be true to you and the only problem that you guys have is that you are on different sexual levels. Thats almost a silly problem to have in light of the other things that make you happy.

 

I said thats almost silly not because "its just sex", I know exactly how important that love-making and sex can be in a relationship, but many many people end relationships to find that one missing ingredient, and then when they find it, all of the other good qualities of the old relationship are completely absent. Its ,ike a never-ending cycle.

 

I would suggest that you go to some type of counselor who can help you work out some kind of a sexual compromise. She sounds like a great girl and I'm sure that she could be open to a little change also. She probably just has to hear it from someone other than you. Its probably a deeper rooted problem than she even knows so professional advice could help.

 

Don't just go and say "I think you should go to a counselor" though. That would only make her REALLY upset. Just say that you have a great thing going and that youd like to make it work. You would like to work out some kind of a compromise and that you think a professional opinion would be valuable. Then ask her what she thinks about it.

 

I'm sure you are not the only couple to ever come accross this problem and I'm sure that not all of the ones that do reach this point decide to call it quits. There is always compromise.

[iamwhoiam]

on one hand, i feel that when you have a beautiful person in your life, a best friend, who possesses all of the wonderful qualities that you have mentioned, then it is worth waiting it out a little longer and trying to make some changes. as the previous poster said, maybe counseling is a good option. if you go to a counselor and discuss these concerns, maybe he/she will be able to help you both reach some sort of compromise about your sexual needs. solid relationships are difficult to find, and to keep them strong, both individuals must be willing to put forth the effort to make it work.

 

on the other hand, i have a very good friend in your same position right now. he is currently living with his girlfriend of 5 years. she has all the amazing qualities he could possibly desire, yet the sexual aspect is lacking. needless to say, he is extremely dissatisfied and unhappy, sticking around in hopes that things change.

 

my question is, what if things don't change? will you go on living the rest of your life asking "what if?" or being resentful because you stayed in a relationship, unfulfilled? and then what if you two get married? it will be that much harder and "stickier" to break it off then.

 

these are qestions that only you know the answers to, and i hope that you can look within yourself and figure it out. none of us here can tell you what to do one way or the other. we can only offer our advice from what you have shared.

 

but you have continued to question this and it obviously bothers you very much. unfortunately, unless SOMETHING changes (i.e. counseling, break-up, etc.), it is likely that you will grow more unhappy in this relationship.

 

take care,

t

[aries]

As you posted:

 

""on the other hand, i have a very good friend in your same position right now. he is currently living with his girlfriend of 5 years. she has all the amazing qualities he could possibly desire, yet the sexual aspect is lacking. needless to say, he is extremely dissatisfied and unhappy, sticking around in hopes that things change.

 

my question is, what if things don't change? will you go on living the rest of your life asking "what if?" or being resentful because you stayed in a relationship, unfulfilled? and then what if you two get married? it will be that much harder and "stickier" to break it off then. ""

 

Tis is how i have been feeling. It has been an issue for a long time. We have been toghether for 3 years now. We dont really argue///and are on the same page when it comes to finances, and compromise in other areas. I will speak to her today and see if she thinks this all would be to much for her. At this point I really feel it is something necessary for me in a relationship. I dont want to live my life suffering in silence.

 

JUST TO LET YOU ALL KNOW.....I APPRECIATE EVERYONE'S INSIGHT TO MY PROBLEM HERE. YOU HAVE ALL HELPED ME THINK MORE CLEARLY ABOUT THIS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER///// KEEP POSTING

[iamwhoiam]

two questions...

 

are the two of you living together?

how old are you both?

 

ok...back to the game.

 

t

[aries]

I am 27...she is 28. We do not live together. I will give u the latest update later today/tonight......

 

for all the help.