Not sure where this should go...I got the " I need space" talk

[bhbull]

Ok so the GF of 4 years gave me the 3 little words "I need Space" will try to keep this short but will try to give all information. About a month ago her grandson became ill. Not serious but the common flu issues. Her daughter is living with the GF ex-husband. the daughter has a new born at home as well that has issues from birth so the GF decides she needs to move back to the ex-husbands place to help with the daughters kids. The GF is living downstairs with the daughter and kids and the ex is upstairs....she has repeatly said there is nothing going on with the ex and I do believe her when she says it...yes in the back of my mind I question it but have been told by her sister you have nothing to worry about...the GF mentioned a couple weeks ago that all this could have been prevented if we would have gotten a house together a few months ago as she could have had the grandkids at our place....so what actions should I take...give her space??? give her space for a few days and then contact her about getting a place together??? She says she still loves me just needs space...says she doesn't want to split up...what does all this mean???

[mhowe]

Do you want the whole damn family living with you?

[bhbull]

From a females perspective...what does "I need space" mean?? Having done some research on the net most women seem to they need time to think of the relationship issues. That the relationship is basically on hold. Should a guy contact her maybe like once a week to ask how she doing??

[chickadeedee]

OK, she is trying to force your hand. She does NOT need to be living with her daughter, her grandkids, and her ex-husband just because one of the kids gets the flu a month ago. And her daughter is popping out more babies for her own parents to parent because obviously the daughter is not taking care of herself.

 

I think what your GF wants you to do is have get a house big enough for her, her daughter, and any kids her daughter might have and have you pay for and take care of the whole lot of them. She wants to play Mommy rather than playing Grandma, and wants you to pay for that and provide a house for her to do that in.

 

I suggest unless you want to be stuck with her daughter and multiple grandkids for the next 25 years, that you do nothing at this point. And definitely don't get a house big enough for her kid and grandkids to move into or you'll be stuck with the financial and physical responsibility for the whole lot of them.

 

Right now she is doing this to try to force your hand, i.e., what she REALLY wants is for you to buy/get a house and let her daughter and grandkids move in with you and you support them. So she is 'holding out' and doing something she knows makes you unhappy in hopes you'll cave and give her her own way, which is getting a house big enough for them all to live in with you.

 

If you are not interested in that, then i suggest you find a new GF who doesn't have all that baggage. Some mothers never want to cut the apron strings and will raise irresponsible kids who stay kids (and the mother's like it that way) and live with their parent forever and let the parent raise the grandkids. I think you probably have such a woman on your hands here.

[bhbull]

Chickadeedee, Exactly...you hit it right on the head..I will give you a little bit more information to see how you read in to this...her oldest grandson is her pride and joy..she has a total of 6 grandkids but the grandson in question is what whole family focusses on....her grandson is 4 and 2 week ago I asked her if she had her own place would she be living where she is...her response was "NO" she would have the grandson at our place all the time. She really don't pay much attention of the other 5 but, will babysit once in awhile and the other times tell the parents no she will not babysit....but never tells the grandson mom no...now a little bit of a twist here...the grandson mothers boyfriend will be moving in on the Dec. 19 and is the father to the youngest grandson but not the father of the 4 year. He has lived with them before and I felt has been a good father figure to the 4 year old. Now the 4 yr old has no set schedule...stays up till 1-2am sleeps till noon or later...when the boyfriend was there he had the 4yr old going to bed by 9pm if he acted up he disciplined him but never spanked him...the 4 yr old had manners...now he does whatever he wants...swears terribly, now back the grandmother(the gal I am seeing) she is 45...has made the comment several times if he does anything to the 4yr old she will do whatever it takes to destroy the SOB......I am thinking the only reason she is there is to protect the 4 yr old...I don't see it as protecting but as destroying her daughters wishes..the GF's ex-husband kicked her out of the house about 6 months ago....so its an ongoing battle....I have discussed having our own place and she felt that is what she has always wanted...so then she could have her grandkids and kids come and visit...she has said that's all she wants is her own place........

[mhowe]

Then let her get her own place. If you get a bigger.place...you will soon find your gf, her daughter and 2 kids living with you. For free. And your gd seems to want to keep the father of her 2 yr old out of the picture. Her life is all wrapped up in being with her daughter and 2 yr old. You are just a means to make that happen.

 

Time to bow out. This isn't about space... It is about manipulation.

[Mesemene]

the GF mentioned a couple weeks ago that all this could have been prevented if we would have gotten a house together a few months ago as she could have had the grandkids at our place....

 

Give her her space. And take that time to consider how YOU want your relationship to head, direction wise. If you're not prepared to parent her grandkids as well as take care of her grown daughter indefinitely, you need to be prepared to set some basic ground rules you consider reasonable as far as what her daughter will be expected to do, effort wise, as soon as her childbirth trauma is healed should you decide her living with you is even on the table. If you guys don't agree on even the basics, you may not have any options but to either date and live apart, or let the relationship die. But you can't get manipulated into a situation you're not ready for or don't want - or resentment will end things a lot less kindly. And having a grown child with grandkids living with you isn't a decision that should be only one partner's - but agreed on and boundaries set by both.

[bhbull]

received a text about an hour ago from her....said "Happy Birthday"....I did not respond...thinking no contact is best to see what her next move is...

[bhbull]

ok....so now the Gf tries to call me....I don't answer...more NC....see where it goes from here

[bhbull]

So today sometime I am thinking of finally texting her back and states "thanks had a great night"....and leave it at that ...let her think...did he go out or what does he mean?? Whats all your thoughts??

[mhowe]

Game playing.

 

You need to decide if you want to play this ridiculous "space" game or become a total patsy and buy/move to a bigger house so you can live with her, her daughter and grandkids...all on your wallet.

[1a1a]

Don't know about the game playing, think it's a bad idea. I think if she says she needs space take that at face value and give it. If it turns out that her need for space is incompatible with you feeling a sense of interconnectivity with her then let the relationship go, you aren't compatible. (I speak from experience).

[bhbull]

Game playing???? Guess from all I have read about No Contact is different from what your saying here...it states in no contact is that if they call or text your not to answer right away...let them think what is he doing??? is he going out?? its called making yourself unavailable as they are the ones wanting the space...now she is reaching out just like it states in NO CONTACT

[chickadeedee]

No contact is what you do after you break up with someone... it is meant to put your ex firmly in the past where they belong rather than keeping them active and visible and slowing down your healing because you are focusing on the ex rather than letting the ex go.

 

You need to make a decision what kind of life you want... do you want a live-in partner? And if so, do you want someone who will have her children and grandchildren constantly in your house and running wild and using your financial resources to support?

 

If you don't want to live with and support her kids and grandkids, then i suggest you find a woman who wants to live with you and NOT have her kids and grandkids live with you.

 

I think people are telling you that you need to decide whether you can live with her kids and grandkids constantly enmeshed in your life and living in your house. If you can't do that or don't want to, then this is probably a waste of time trying to have a relationship with her because she has made it clear she intends to live with them and let the grandkids run wild and that she considers spoiling them more important than your own happiness.

[bhbull]

So when they say they need space from what I am reading here is...if they call or text we should answer??? But doesn't space mean....give them space but we should be available when she needs me??? Thats not giving them space...she is the one that wanted space by telling me this...maybe I am wrong.....

[mhowe]

The big picture:

 

She said she needed space. However, as you have given more info ---- what comes to light is that she is living at her ex's place (where you cannot go) because of the daughter and grand daughter. And if YOU bought a bigger place ---- everyone could live with you. ON YOUR DIME>

 

So ---- it appears that what she wants is you to step up and fix HER problem.

 

If you want to do that, let her know.

If you don't want to do that ---- then this "space" will be indefinite.

[jul-els]

Tell her you're going to give her space and then do so. Lots of it. In other words, you should end this relationship and then go no contact and move on with your life without her in it, permanently. Unless you're interested in being a meal ticket. In that case you can stay with her and give her what she's pushing you for. I recommend the former. You'll be a lot happier that way.

[1a1a]

Yes you should answer. "I need space" is not mutually inclusive with "I want to be ignored by you".

 

I'll give you an example, it might not be her scenario but it could be someones. My boyfriend (now ex) of 4 years drew a line and said all this social interaction was burning him out. (He's on the autistic spectrum and an introvert). What that meant is, he needs to spend more time home alone recharging his social interaction batteries in order to interact socially. Why in the world would I want to start ignoring his texts when he is actually in the headspace to be social and wants to spend time with me? Unless I had lost interest and didn't want to be with him anymore!

[bhbull]

Ok so...to set boudries on question I have for the GF...what type of questions should I approach her with???

[Mesemene]

How about starting with some honest self-questioning - are you willing to help out her daughter and grandkids?

 

What limits is she setting, if any, on helping her daughter and parenting the grandkids? What are her expectations if you get a place for both of you - does she foresee letting her daughter and grandkids living there indefinitely? Does she expect her daughter to use that assistance to get her life together and move out and be independent, or is she comfortable with her family living with you guys with the daughter contributing to rent etc?

 

There's more than just the black and white of living together or not, helping the daughter/grandkids or not - and before talking to her, to be fair to her, you need to really think about what you're comfortable with, what you think is fair - and if you're ok with them living with you, if the place you want to look for will consider their needs (for example, houses with small studio guest houses or MIL suites are pretty common out here and offer some separation for families combining resources.) It's a LOT to consider - and if you are considering just how much to take on - I'd let your GF in on it. Let her know you're taking the space she wanted to really think about what you're willing to offer to her and her family before talking out details. And if she hasn't considered, you might want to bring up the same ideas to her so SHE can think in the long term as well as the immediate "I must help my child!" impulse.

 

When you sit down and do discuss things - if you've both really thought things out, it's much easier to lay it all on the table and see where compromises can be made - or if there are just some things that will be major issues. And it's much fairer to have the basics thought out than rush in - and clash after you're under the same roof.

[bhbull]

Mesemene, that's is exactly what I was looking for...what your saying is making sense for what my purpose for being here is. Am I will to help her daughter and grandkids...yes we have discussed it before..back in June of this year we looked at rental houses...I have no issues as long as there were boundries and conditions set before hand. Her daughter wants her own place and has applied for housing assistance and was told she is on the list but could be upto a year wait...so yes she doesn't plan on living there forever.

[mhowe]

If she moves in with you...meaning daughter and child...she will never leave.

[bhbull]

So I have not talked or texted her since friday last week...do I call her??? How do I break the ice without sounding needing??? Mhowe I disagree with your thoughts but, I do appreciate your opinions.

[bhbull]

Or do I just leave her alone as she needed the space...wait till she contacts me??? From the things I have read its says to call her after a week to basically to see that she is doing good...keeping it simple and short.....and not to be over bearing, keep it upbeat...no arguing....Any thoughts???

[bhbull]

After I posted the 2 previous posts this came to mind....when the GF and I have discussed issues we had in previous relationships she has told me when she breaks up with a guy she flat out says....Were done I no longer want to be with you so please leave me alone....the reason I guess I still have hope is she never said anything like this...it was just "I still love you I just need space"....so is there hope...I feel there is