Regrets for not going for it...

[al7]

Ceema-k:

I think it would be interesting to her HOW you've gotten over your shyness?

 

No drugs, alcohol or herbs. My goals in university forced me into situations where I would have to interact with people. Back then I thought I wanted to major in film studies, so in my sophomore year I somewhat reluctantly started volunteering on student film shoots and taking film production classes in order to build up my application resume. It should be said that film students are typically not shy people, quite the opposite. It takes a lot of hustle and people skills to make it in the entertainment/media industry, so most of the people I met in my 2nd and 3rd year of uni were pretty ambitious, wacky, competitive or all of the above.

---

I have been mostly interested in how to overcome a specific aspect of shyness.. when you cant walk up and talk to a female strangers.

Have you overcome that as well?

[al7]

LycosV:

I have to agree with al7 and 69_king on the not many women in classes comment. In an engineering field you've got maybe four women who have been in all of your classes through college. They all got snapped up in the first semester by the hundreds of other engineering men with more social skills

---

It is not only classes...today I went to a student club. 3 girls, 3 guys...

no girl was a model, but two were maybe even more shy than I was.. and one was just talkative, spunky and extroverted. This was very attractive... (she was not cute or pretty though but attarctive!).

And you know What? sure she is already married in her 1st or 2nd

year in uni. So what is we shy people supposed to? Gor for shy girls?

Ohhh.....

[Ceema-k]

LOL.. yeah, what IS wrong with shy girls? I sure wouldn't mind meeting more of them, if I knew where to look

 

al7: when you ask about how to overcome a specific aspect of shyness, that is actually very difficult to answer. When I was still really shy, there were more than a few times that I did approach someone cold and talk to them. And sorry to say, there was very little technique or planning involved. It's one of those "here goes nothing" moments where I didn't give myself time to hesitate (very important) and I just dove in. A cheesy comparison would be like someone getting ready to bungee jump or dive out of a plane with a parachute. When I did this, I'd either have a really good feeling, or I'd reflect and think, wow I don't believe I did that or I would be embarrassed and shake my head at myself.

 

BTW, I spent the time writing about my past experiences of being shy because i strongly believe everything had a cumulative effect of building up my confidence, improving my ability to communicate and using constant exposure and habituation to make social situations less scary for me. It's never been about, Oh, i've discovered the secret trick: Here's what you do, follow steps 1-2-3.

[ShySoul]

Okay, maybe I'm "lucky" to have so many females in my classes. But thats just one example of where girls are. Girls are everywhere. You never know when you will be meet one. It doesn't matter if you don't interact with a lot of females, at some point I'm positive you will. In the meantime, don't worry about it. There is more to life than girls and relationships. Yes, I know how lonely it can feel. I sometimes doubt I'll ever find anyone and it really brings me down. And quess what. Even with all those girls I'm around, I still can't find anyone. It doesn't matter how many girls you are around. You could meet one girl in the next year but connect so well with her that you end up living happily ever after. Meanwhile I may get to be around dozens of girls but not have anyone that I really connect with and so I'll stay alone.

 

Love is fickle and unpredictable. It's best to not think about too much or you'll just start feeling sad and lonely. Everyone's time will come, it's just a matter of having patience and waiting for that time. Sure, patience is a quality alot of people struggle with, but patience is a virtue.

 

And yes, I'd keep this attitude no matter how old I am. I've tried thinking like you are. Here's what it got me: tears, sorrow, and lonliness. I was so focused on the fact that I needed to find someone, needed to get a girl, that I only felt worse off when I didn't find someone. But when I starting thinking this way, a dark cloud that hung over me disappeared. I can be happy just being me and making sure my life is on the right track. Should an opportunity present itself, I'm not going to pass it up. But I'm not going to go out and try to force opportunities to happen. I'd whether have the clear mind then the weight of this great burden of finding someone, even if I was 42.

[Caldus]

Well, you know, you live once. You will never be young again. Now is the time to do something about your shyness. Do you want to spend your whole life being afraid of talking to girls? I think there's a deeper problem than that though. The problem is that you feel like you aren't in control with certain aspects of your life. To me, gaining confidence after you get over these fears feels almost as good as finding the right girl. However, nothing is going to change unless you do something about it. ShySoul makes a good point. Don't try to force love to come to you. Just take it easy and see how things go. Whenever you meet a girl, get her number, take her out somewhere, and see if she's right for you. Don't just settle with a girl just because she looks good. I'm assuming that we're talking about a relationship, not just sex.

 

I know how it is with the whole cold approach thing. I think the best way to meet women is through social events or through clubs. I've done quite a few cold approaches in the past but none ever got anywhere. I've gotten some phone numbers that way but usually the date would go bad or she would make an excuse on the phone. Cold approaches may work for some, but I'd rather not try to rush things so to speak. There's no rush in this but you do need to get out there and start meeting some women one way or another. Who knows, you may make a friend or two in the process.

 

Let me try to remember some of the cold approaches I've done in the past. This may help you al7. I'm sure I missed a few approaches but here are some instances that I remember well.

 

Last summer, I was going to the pool a lot and I became interested in the lifeguard there. She was definitely around my age and she seemed real nice. She would always smile and laugh when other people conversed with her. So one day I mustered up the courage to get to know her. Before entering the pool, I noticed that her car had a sticker that said my university's name on it. So I already had one topic to talk about with her. When it was adult swim, I decided to go meet her. I had one of those "let's see how this goes" moments like another poster mentions:

 

Me: Hi, how are you?

Lifeguard: (Looks up but doesn't really smile) Hey, I'm doing fine. You?

Me: Great. Hey I was just curious, is that white car with the UNC Charlotte sticker yours?

Lifeguard: Yes it is. (Smiles a little.)

Me: Awesome, I go there too. What's your major?

Lifeguard: Oh, just nursing. Yours?

Me: Computer Science

Lifeguard: Ah, cool.

Me: Oh, by the way, my name is Andrew. Your name?

Lifeguard: Ashley.

Me: I heard nursing is real competitive there. How is it working out for you?

Ashley: Not bad, just a lot of work. Hopefully I'll make it through. (Laughs a bit.)

Me: I hear ya. School is like that no matter what field I guess.

Ashley: Yeah.

*Brief Silence*

Me: Hey, I was just about to head out. I would like to get to know you more. Can I have your phone number?

Ashley: Sure. (Gives number and so on....)

 

OK, here's another time I approached someone (or rather, two girls this time). I was at school getting some lunch when I notice these two girls (both had glasses on but looked really cute) sitting nearby. Intelligence really turns me on so you can see why I turned over to them.

 

Anyway, here's how it went:

 

Me: Hi, mind if I sit with you guys?

Girl #1: Sure.

Me: I'm Andrew. What are your names?

Girl #1/2: Blah blah blah.

Me: That's cool. I'm on lunch break right now and just wanted to talk to kill some time.

Girl #1: Oh really? What class you got after this?

Me: Blah blah blah.

Girl #1: Oh I took that a while back. It's not bad trust me.

Me: Yeah it doesn't seem too bad at all. Professor seems nice, etc.

*Brief session where one girl asks the other a question about something I don't know but I'm eating my food anyway.*

Me: So what are you two majoring in?

Girl #1/2: Blah blah blah.

Me: Hmmm...yeah...I heard that was competitive. I wish you two luck.

Girl #1/2: Thanks...

Me: What classes you got this semester?

Girl #1/2: Blah blah blah.

Me: Oh wait I took last semester! Did you have ?

Girl #2: Yeah, he was great.

Me: Oh I know. Hah, easy A!

Me: Hey, well I better get going. We should hang out some time or something. Can I get your email addresses? (I know bad mistake. I've learned from this one, LOL)

Girl #1/2: Sure....

 

So you see? I made mistakes in every approach but it's no big deal. Do you notice how I usually have one topic ready and then for some reason the conversation all of the sudden shapes into something else completely? That's what we mean by that "let's see how it goes" thing. It usually goes well! That's what. I hope this helps you al7 (as well as others).

[al7]

"So what is we shy people supposed to? Gor for shy girls?

Ohhh....."

 

whats wrong with shy girls?

 

Imagine that: I am shy. And she is shy. What kind conversation we will have? About shyness?

So nothing is wrong with shy girls, but I guess shy people are more compatible with non shy extroverted people.

[al7]

Caldus:

Well, you know, you live once. You will never be young again. Now is the time to do something about your shyness. Do you want to spend your whole life being afraid of talking to girls?

---

No, I dont! I just seem cannot overcome that fear...

 

I think there's a deeper problem than that though. The problem is that you feel like you aren't in control with certain aspects of your life. To me, gaining confidence after you get over these fears feels almost as good as finding the right girl. However, nothing is going to change unless you do something about it. ShySoul makes a good point. Don't try to force love to come to you. Just take it easy and see how things go.

Whenever you meet a girl, get her number, take her out somewhere, and see if she's right for you. Don't just settle with a girl just because she looks good.

---

Haha, you are funny. I thought you would say" dont settle with a not pretty girs just cuz she is a girl". believe me, Good looking girls are extremely high maintenance and I think they should be avoided.

Imagine: she is a model. Even if she giave you anumber and you asked her out you had a date with her.. what are teh chances you will develop any kid of relatiinship with her? Every day, ecery second thousond of dudes r hitting on her. Competition makes her very picky.

I'd personally even didnt look at girls like 8-10.

 

I know how it is with the whole cold approach thing. I think the best way to meet women is through social events or through clubs.

---

Sure, it is good. I went to toastmasters club yesterday. Oh man, most of folks there have sales gigs... so they naturally confident and talkative.

There were 5 women: two out of age. One is very chinese (pretty but i guss she is not willing to make friends with anyone except chinese), another one is not cute. So from about 40 people only one girl was really really cute. I am sure she is married already.

Besides even if she is not... the competition is... huge.

All those dudes speak 1000 times better than I do. Have better jobs etc etc.

So I need to find "women" clubs.....

[al7]

ShySoul,

Okay, maybe I'm "lucky" to have so many females in my classes. But thats just one example of where girls are. Girls are everywhere.

---

Please read my previous post about toastmasters. Almost no girl were there...I can find girls my uni but I have to approach them just walk up and start talking...

Toastmasters have table topic speeches: when you get a topic (a question acyallu) and withoin a minutes have to speake about this topic for abotu 2 minutes. That was SCARY!! They all got question about Valentine's day..

I was terrified - I would not be able to say anything especially on that topic that I even cannot relate to.

I suck at improvisation. And exctaly improvisation is required to make an approach....

 

You never know when you will be meet one. It doesn't matter if you don't interact with a lot of females, at some point I'm positive you will. In the meantime, don't worry about it. There is more to life than girls and relationships. Yes, I know how lonely it can feel.

---

I definitely agree to just learn how to approach without any other further goals. That makes sense.

[Double J]

I disagree with you. I do think that by approaching a girl, you have nothing to lose. Only gain. If I wouldn't have approached my ex g/f, we would have probably never met. Usually a girl will warm up to you, but it's usually up to you to do the approaching. I have to admit that I've met a lot of friends in college, but it's only happened because I took the initiative to start a conversation with the majority of them. The reason why people are afraid to approach is because they're scared of rejection, and that stems from lack of self confidence. When you think of approaching a girl, don't be concerned about the outcome - just think of it as meeting a girl and making a friend.

[al7]

Double J

 

I do think that by approaching a girl, you have nothing to lose. Only gain.

---

Welll, right - you may gain some rejections. if you gather enugh of them this buildup might just stop you from approaching further...

 

The reason why people are afraid to approach is because they're scared of rejection, and that stems from lack of self confidence. When you think of approaching a girl, don't be concerned about the outcome - just think of it as meeting a girl and making a friend.

---

You are right about that. But how do you deal with that accumulating rejections?

[LycosV]

Rejection may be what we're afraid of becuase it hurts but the: "Regrets for not going for it" as the thread starter put it build up until you realize that those regrets are worse than the rejection. As the old saying goes: "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

[69_king]

Me: Computer Science

 

Wow! You admitted that!

 

I never admit that I studied computer science any more. As soon as I say that immediately the girls are like "Geek Alert"! Seriously, I have had girls immediately lose interest as soon as I brought that up. And now, the way the market is, its worse! its like "Unemployed Geek Alert"!

 

(just joking )

[Caldus]

Me: Computer Science

 

Wow! You admitted that!

 

I never admit that I studied computer science any more. As soon as I say that immediately the girls are like "Geek Alert"! Seriously, I have had girls immediately lose interest as soon as I brought that up. And now, the way the market is, its worse! its like "Unemployed Geek Alert"!

 

(just joking )

 

Well a ton of guys at my college are engineering or computer science majors, so I don't see a problem with it. I am a decent looking guy with a good personality so it's not like it matters. If a girl wants to judge me by my major then I'm going to ignore her too. Her loss. I have yet to run into a girl who is immediately turned off when I tell her my major. Plus I like to be upfront and honest from the start. No point in beating around the bush about anything.

[Ceema-k]

LOL...

when i tell girls I design web sites, I usually get a good reaction... something just shy of saying "oooh aaaah". I find that surprising, since most any 12-year old kid with a brain and a computer qualifies as a web developer these days Not what I consider a sexy profession...

 

Still, there's nothing to be ashamed of with the comp sci stuff. as Caldus said, if that bothers a girl enough to not want to date you, then why bother with her? 8)

[Double J]

Double J

 

I do think that by approaching a girl, you have nothing to lose. Only gain.

---

Welll, right - you may gain some rejections. if you gather enugh of them this buildup might just stop you from approaching further...

 

The reason why people are afraid to approach is because they're scared of rejection, and that stems from lack of self confidence. When you think of approaching a girl, don't be concerned about the outcome - just think of it as meeting a girl and making a friend.

---

You are right about that. But how do you deal with that accumulating rejections?

 

Rejection is part of the dating process. If you feel like you're getting rejected too frequently and you don't know why, maybe you have to work on some part of your personality, the way you approach them, etc. Just try not to take it personally - rejection happens to everyone. It's perfectly normal for a girl not to find you their "type" - there will be one who will.

[Caldus]

Listen to Double J everyone. 8)

[al7]

Double J

 

You are right about that. But how do you deal with that accumulating rejections?

 

Rejection is part of the dating process. If you feel like you're getting rejected too frequently and you don't know why, maybe you have to work on some part of your personality, the way you approach them, etc.

 

I have been working on it, but seems nothing is working..I've tried online dating, and there seem girls are extremely picky due to huge competition: imagine all guys can constantly hit on all girls online, and no shyness is involved...I guess there they judge only two Parameters: you pics and you income.

 

Just try not to take it personally - rejection happens to everyone. It's perfectly normal for a girl not to find you their "type" - there will be one who will.

---

Yes, but how "not to take it personaly" when you collect rejection is massive amounts?

 

Honeslty what kinda guy you like in term sof introvert-extrovert?

[al7]

weirdrabbit:

Imagine that: I am shy. And she is shy. What kind conversation we will have? About shyness?

So nothing is wrong with shy girls, but I guess shy people are more compatible with non shy extroverted people.

 

I disagree shyness doesnt mean you wont have anything to talk about.

Shy people still have things to say but maybe are initially scared of saying them. But once you get to know a shy person you will have plenty to talk about. You are really cutting out a lot of girls here.

---

I am sorry I didnt make my pint clear. It is not so about have somethign to say... it is about 1. How you say it (loud, fast, with high speed!) 2. Extroverts appear more confident and they are cuz they speak more and have a better voice 3. Extrovert think faster and make decisions faster.

So extroverted are definitely more capable of surviing in a society.

Introverts are often reserved, somtimes shy and speak less, and in a more quiet voice. No spunk involved here!

 

 

By your theory, the extroverted girls might think the same about shy guys and would prefer to go out with more "exciting extroverted" guys that have something to say. The girl may think she would have to do all the talking and it would be a one sided relationship, thus extroverted girls are more suited for extroverted guys.

---

Absolutely. You are right. Any girl would prefer an extrovert guy to a reserved shy intorvert or just an introvert. Extroverts are social, more bold, spunky so obviosly they have huge advantages over introverts in terms of likability for girls.

It is not the same for guys: some guys prefer reserved intorverted "modest" girls...

[al7]

Rejection may be what we're afraid of becuase it hurts but the: "Regrets for not going for it" as the thread starter put it build up until you realize that those regrets are worse than the rejection. As the old saying goes: "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

 

so what your syaing we have to move our butt out of not of fear of rejection but out some other fear, the fear of regrets?

[al7]

LOL...

when i tell girls I design web sites, I usually get a good reaction... something just shy of saying "oooh aaaah". I find that surprising, since most any 12-year old kid with a brain and a computer qualifies as a web developer these days Not what I consider a sexy profession...

 

Still, there's nothing to be ashamed of with the comp sci stuff. as Caldus said, if that bothers a girl enough to not want to date you, then why bother with her? 8)

 

Guys, I dont think you have to emphasize what you do at all. Why? Cuz then would inadvertently make her think about you in terms of you wallet.

"He is a lawyer, wow, he must be rich.. or with good perspectives.. cool, i'll date him.. all my friend would love to hear about my such new date!"

Anything you tell her about your job, would just make her think about how much you can earn...she thinks why else he is telling me about it?

He doesnt expect me to get any interest in his work.. so he is trying to show off! and for all of us guys who are not lawyer\doctors talkign about work cannot be a showoff.

Just dont dwell on work, better not to say any details at all.

"I work for "J&J systems", they are awesome people."

Thats it. Much later you can tell her what you actually doing.

[LycosV]

so what your syaing we have to move our butt out of not of fear of rejection but out some other fear, the fear of regrets?

 

On one hand you have the fear of rejection which basically stays the same, on the other you have a fear of regret/living alone for eternity which grows eveeytime you don't do something. Never underestimate the ability of fear to motivate.

[al7]

LycosV:

 

so what your syaing we have to move our butt out of not of fear of rejection but out some other fear, the fear of regrets?

...

On one hand you have the fear of rejection which basically stays the same, on the other you have a fear of regret/living alone for eternity which grows eveeytime you don't do something. Never underestimate the ability of fear to motivate.

---

I see what your saying. I just think fear as the only stimulus is not gonna do the job. We gotta find something that we enjoy and use it as out main stimulus.

Example: we work out of fear we'll have nothing to eat... but at teh same time we managed to find something interesting at work, capitalize on it and grow, expand and get a promotion or two. Yes, the fear is a motive..a powerful one, but not the only one.

It just seems unlikely I would learn how ot approach girls simply out of some other fear (regrets you may say). We gotta find positive things and use them to learn. Maybe I am wrong but that what I think.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Listen you guys, just go for it! Look at me, I'm a perfect example at regretting. There was a girl that I had a huge crush on for two years. Not once could I look her in the eye. I had suspicions that she liked me by the way she and her friends looked at me. The clues were there, but I couldn't fit the pieces of the puzzle. All I had to do was ask and I didn't. Did I miss something special? Probably. Future girlfriend/wife/life partner/soulmate? Maybe x 4. But I will never know because I did not ask and it hurts all day everyday. There are times when I want to punch myself because it's not like I have opportunities banging down my door every day. This was my one shot and I blew it big time. If she rejected me, I would've been hurt badly and probably taken months to recover... but I would've been over it now because I knew I didn't have a chance. But not knowing that you may have a potential girlfriend at your fingertips is downright awful! For those who have been rejected, you do not want to go through what I am feeling right now and everyday of my life. It won't go away until I finally do have a woman in my life, but since my chances have run out, I'll be feeling like this for a long long time.

[ShySoul]

If she rejected me, I would've been hurt badly and probably taken months to recover... but I would've been over it now because I knew I didn't have a chance. But not knowing that you may have a potential girlfriend at your fingertips is downright awful!

 

Words to live by Kyo. Rejection may hurt, but not as much as wondering what might have been. If you get turned down you'll eventually see that is wasn't meant to be (hey, that rhymed ). But if you say nothing then you'll always wonder what could have happened and if you would have had a chance.

 

And on two shy people not having anything to talk about, not true at all. If both people are shy then they will be able to relate to each other better and will be more comfortable around each other because they know that the other person understands how they feel. This will make it more likely that they would open to each other. And when the two people understand and care about each other, even the silent moments can be golden.

[Ceema-k]

Kyoshiro.. I've been there. As have most people. Regret sucks. You've got to compare the pain of rejection vs. the pain of regret and decide which one you can live with more easily.

 

If you took the leap and asked that girl out, it would have been intensely stressful for you, no matter how it would've played out. If she'd rejected you, then yes, it would have hurt. But the pain would be almost cathartic... like a sudden rush of emotion that comes and goes in a very short amount of time. Regret isn't as intense.. but it sticks with you for days, weeks, months or years. It hangs over you like a cloud. I personally prefer getting rejected over feeling that sickly regret.

 

My best friend once gave me awesome insight into rejection. We talk about rejectiong in dating all the time, but my friend doesn't buy it. He's convinced that REAL rejection is when you've dated someone for a long time and one day, they decide to break up with you. For someone to know you well, then to reject you, is a hundred times more painful and damaging than the rejection you get from a stranger.

 

That's why people always say to not take rejection personally. That cute girl who turned you down for a coffee date? She didn't reject you. Why's that? Well, because She Just Doesn't Know. Right? She doesn't know jack about who you are. Should you still feel bad? Why not, it's only natural to feel bad whenever we dont' get what we want. But after the initial disapointment, it's OK. The world hasn't ended. You still have your health. And you have a resolution to your predicament (You like girl, asked girl out, girl said no. The End).

 

But this is all theory to a shy person. This is just me talking about how it's not so bad & yadda yadda. Until you test it out for yourself, it will always be me (or anyone else on the forum) just talk talk talking.