Regrets for not going for it...

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Ok look all you shy people out there. I apologize in advence for this long post. i tend to babble when I write.

 

I had three chances within the past 3 years to talk to three different girls. Take note that these three incidences happened at the same time, from December 2001 until yesterday.

 

Girl #1: I noticed her beauty in a crowded room, as I always do with damn near every girl I see. But she was different, somehow. I had my silent crush, sneaking peeks at her and making sure she didn't know that I liked her. Then one day our eyes met, and strangely after that moment, began to notice that her actions copied mine. Now she was catching quick glances at me. As the days/months/years went on, I could not muster the courage to speak to her. I couldn't even look at her. I would try to get that definitive hint that she liked me. I could not fathom the concept that a girl that I picked from hundreds of other girls could do the same. Everytime I looked in the mirror, I questioned what she saw in me. If I had the courage to speak to her, I would've had my answer. I don't know where our friendship/relationship would've gone, or even if we would've had one. But maybe I would've enjoyed that new love feeling which could've blossomed into something special. But I'll never know because I was too shy to talk to her and now she's out of my life. for good.

 

Girl #2 gave me obvious signals. But why me? What was it about me? I couldn't even look at this girl either. I was just too shy. There was this one day where my friend kept telling me that this girl was looking and looking and looking at me, yet still I couldn't look at her. I was/am so ashamed of my looks, I thought I was merely dreaming. But if I had made eye contact just once and smiled, things could've developed. I would've had what I always wanted, a woman who found me attractive and expressed her like of me. And I could return her passion tenfold! But I'll never know because now she's out of my life. for good.

 

Girl #3 game me lukewarm signals. The way she looked at me, the number of times she looked at me. She gave me vibes that I can't even describe. But how can this pretty woman like me, when there are hundreds of other hunks that surround us? Why me? Why not him? Or him? Or him? They all look better than me. They all make more money than me. They don't live with their parents like I do. Well, if I had acted on those vibes she gave me, I would've had my answer. But today I found out that she left the company. Did she really find me attractive and wanted to get to know me better? I'll never know because I never spoke to her and now she's out of my life. for good.

 

All I could've done was say something to these three women. ANYTHING! But I said nothing. And now that's what I have: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!.

 

So to all you shy people out there, if you see someone you like, don't just admire them from afar for eternity. Do something about it. Even if they say no, you will be out of the Matrix of What If's and I want to talk to him/her but they may not like me and such and such. Forget rejection. Just do it. After all, you do not want to be brooding every minute of every day wondering what may have been, while wondering if you'll ever be lucky to have someone miraculously find you attractive.

 

The more you hesitate, the more you masturbate. Take it from this Jerk Off!

 

I want to have all those who are shy with boys/girls that they like and have trouble approaching/talking to them, post here your most recent experience with approaching that person and give us the reason(s) why you couldn't. I will bet you a million dollars that all of those reasons are mere excuses, silly excuses at that. And I bet you they won't even make sense.

[Caldus]

Hmmm...

 

Well I've become a lot less shy recently, but I still tend to be shy in certain situations.

 

The last girl that I liked on campus I eventually had the courage to meet her. The first few times that I saw her walk by afterclass I would tell myself "no no don't do it yet, you aren't looking all that great today anyway" when I clearly just took a shower and all. Eventually I met her but that was much later in the semester. Don't think she was really interested but hey now the mystery is finally over.

 

The bottom line is that we convince ourselves not to meet a girl simply because we are insecure about it. We all hate rejection. But what's so important to know about dating is that it's full of rejections! So many people get rejected every day!

 

Stop trying to get signals from a woman and just go up and meet her! If she likes you, great. Trust me it's so much better to at least know that she isn't interested instead of wondering for a long time whether she might be interested.

[dreamweaverdude]

Kyoshiro Ogari,

 

All my life for the most part I have fought what you fight and that is not making the move on something i should. For me it boils down to two things in my life....

 

1) Insecurities - I've never been a 'lady's man', never had the confidence to do so. I was the 'nerd' that everyone made fun of socially so that doesn't breeed alot of confidence when you are young. Hasn't helped as I've grown older. I'm better about that now. I truly believe now my chances are as good as anyone's but over the years those insecurities COSTS me lots of possible relationships I'm sure of it.

 

2) Fear of Rejection - Like most people, no one likes to feel rejected and if you don't ask then you aren't hurt and rejected. So NO action becomes safer than action. Not taking a risk hurts less than taking a risk.

 

What i have learned in recent months and recent weeks is this. There are times in your life, especially in relationships or potential relationships you have to step out and take that risk, put your pride and confidence on the line. If you don't you'll never have the relationship you desire in life. SOmetimes you have to take push that sense of adventure and take a chance on being turned down in hopes that you won't. The one thing i have noticed is that as my self-confidence has improved so has my willingness to take risk and be more forward with my actions. Lack of confidence is an absolute killer. I will say this in reading yur thread you ask the same questions as me, Why would any attractive girl want me when there are so many others more attractive, maybe better educated, et etc. I was always looking for excuses why someone might like or want someoneelse, rather than looking at what i had to offer someone I looked at what i thought I didn't have to offer. You must believe in yourself if you ever expect someone to, and that definitely includes potential dates. If oyu have the attitude I'm not good enough, you know what.. they will think the same thing. Take that leap of faith and begin to like youself for who you are..... and i think like me you'll be surprised at the results.

 

I can tell even in the last month or so in my life, my confidence in myself has helped me in so many ways. I've taken personal risks that i would have never taken, expressed personal opinions that would effect longterm relationships, and it really all boils down to me 'confidence'. That I am someone desireable. you need to develop that feeling soon... or you will be home alone alot.

 

Good luck.... as they say been there done that.. got the T-Shirt.....

hang in there. ANd if there that someone special never take a chance and let them go. I did once with someone and was given a second -chance and i consider myself very lucky. You dont always get a second chance. Express yourself.... at least that way at night when you lay your head on your pillow you have no regrets. Having no regrets only comes from taking a few personal risks in life. Step out dude...... before it is too late.

[Mun]

Very good post Kyo and I have to admit that I was very shy when I was younger--still am in some circumstances. Now I realize I might have come accross as standoffish, because I was very quiet and a bit withdrawn. It's just something you have to keep working on constantly. It won't go away overnight.

 

That's a pretty good article Dreamweaverdude. Thanks for sharing it.

[Santa]

I admit that I have been situations like those described.

 

One time I thought I had something with this girl, and I hesitated, and was asking myself those same questions like you did, and when she asked me to the prom, I thought she was winding me up, because I have seen like 'nerdy' people been basically humiliated by nasty girls before, and I wasn't sure if this was happening to me. Anyway, after rejecting her unintentionally, she moved on, and then a few weeks later when I knew she wasn't joking, I asked her, and she was like speechless, and then eventually said she moved on, and was going with someone else. I was like so confused, because at the time it wasn't clear.

And then the next girl after that, well I hesitated to make a move, although she clearly had a crush on me (her friends kept telling me to make a move on her etc), but I was still feeling weak from the girl before, and was generally anti-girls. However, once I learned what really happened with the first girl (I didn't know if she liked me and then moved on or if she was just saying that, as she didnt actually say she liked me, and i was very pessimistic), I decided to make a move. Trouble was, so did 3 other boys in one week. I was like such a chicken, I didn't want to be drawn into the game, and potentially hated by these other guys. She got with one of those guys, who may of kicked me @$$, and then there has always been that weird 'should of been' between us.

 

I learnt from this, and i've more or less made a move everytime since. Believe me, that 'should of been' feeling is so frustrating. Thanks.

[7CardStud]

I use to get rly shy around girls, but at some point i was like.... Who cares...

 

WHO CARES

 

Think about it... Lets say im at a dance with some friends...

I see a girl that i want to talk to...

why not ask her? only thing that could come out of it, is getting to know a girl better...

If she rejects u...... it doesn't matter! because ur still going to dance!

 

So its like, u have nothing to lose and everything to get....

[corvidae]

Santa! You must be really good looking, you always seem to talk about girls approaching you or asking you out!

 

Svenman, I'm afraid I don't agree with the nothing to lose. Being rejection feels awful, it lowers your self-esteem, and is really embarrassing. I've only ever been rejected so I don't approach women any more because every rejection is a nail in the coffin, and I already feel like I'm ready to be buried!

 

In response to the post in general, I never approach girls at all. When I was in school I was one of the smart kids, so I used to get a hard time from other guys and a lot of girls. During my time in school girls refused to talk to me because I didn't have sufficient 'social status'. I got a very bad view of girls from this. Since going to Uni it hasn't been a problem getting women to talk to me, but no-one has ever shown interest in me on any other level. After all those years in school I really needed a confidence boost, I really needed women to treat me like a normal guy, but it never happened. At 26 it still hasn't happened. I always say that confidence is a gift given by others. You can't be treated badly and feel good about yourself. In this one respect I feel that in my whole life no one has treated me like an attractive guy with something to offer. Santa sounds like he has it pretty good, having girls ask him out or approaching him. This has never happened to me. Not once. Ever. Despite this I try to be cheerful, and when I go out I go to have a good time! Such is life. We are but straw dogs to the gods..

[Strandysmommy]

I was the female version of Ralph Wiggum in grade school, this pretty much knocked out any oppertunity for social skills I ever would have had. In fifth and sixth grade I was crazy about this boy who (by jings!) was into me too, but I couldn't talk to him! I was so shy! He would come and talk to me about Dungeons and Dragons (I TOLD YOU I was a geek!) and I couldn't look at him or say anything.

 

In high school I had a lot of guy friends who were very good looking and easy to talk to, and flirty too...sounds great...except all my guy friends were gay! They were! I was STILL uber shy and unable to talk to people. Fast foreward to 2000-2001, my friend and I were getting really close and to the point where we were going to see chick flicks and cuddling and holding hands. Everyone wondered if we were dating, so I musterd up the courage to ask him...oh BIG mistake. He slapped me with the "Lets just be friends" thing and proceeded to become disatant for the next 3 months.

 

Dated another guy who was flirty with me...trouble was he was flirty with every girl, and once J-term was over, conveninetly decided "his depression is back and he can't put me through the turmoil of dealing with that" ha. I won't even get started on my big ex. The one who dumped me over the phone. I have a thing for a guy right now...I know he's very outgoing and social and kinda flirty with all the girls. He has more friends that are girls than guys...and the majority of these girls are HOT. I mean like model-hot. Me? I'm plain, at best...save for the mint green streak in my hair. I am usually just expecting to get shot down, I know that's a horrible attitude to have, but it seems like I have some sort of mark upon me that turns guys running and screaming in the other direction. I mean I am not ugly, I am still a geek, and I'd like to think there are some guys out there who can appreciate a storm chasing, simpsons watching, artsy geeky girl!

[69_king]

Every time you get rejected it just lowers your confidence even more. So you have to somehow build up a big reserve of confidence before you start approaching girls/guys.

 

It's the same with applying for jobs. I was the top of my class in High School. In my last year I won $1500 for having the top marks in various subjects. I thought I was The Man! I was going to go to university and immediately get a $100,000 a year job when I was done. Well, I was in the Co-Op program at uni (school one term, work the next) and I had a hell of a time getting any kind of good job in my co-op terms. In fact, in the last 2 terms I could not get any job at all. There were so many smarter people at uni. I went from the top of the class at HS to below the middle at uni. I left uni feeling like an average joe and in the 3 years since I have not found a real job. I've only applied to a handful and didn't even get an interview at any of them. Now, I can't bring myself to apply to any good job because I just don't have the same confidence I used to have. I also have this fear that if they do hire me then I will end up not being able to do the job well enough. Its the same thing with girls. I fear that if they do go out with me then when they get to know me they will start to lose interest because we have hardly anything in common.

 

Its also really annoying when people say to me "Why don't you have a girlfriend? You should have a girlfriend. If I had your looks I would have a different girl each night!" or "Why don't you have a good job? You're so intelligent. You should be earning big bucks by now!"

That stuff just makes me feel guilty. Like I'm wasting what I've got.

[7CardStud]

haha, man, it doesn't.... I'm sure it does if u let it...

 

Nothing To Lose... Sure it might feel bad few times, but dude, If you can find the one person you love... Don't you think it was worth it?

 

The greatest things that you can get, are usually the ones that come with pain.

[Pyralis]

I feel that I can relate to a lot of the posts that have been made here so far and then some. I was the geeky loser at school as well and girls never noticed me at all. The very few times that I managed to suck up enough self-confidence and self-esteem to make an attempt to ask someone out I was met with rejection and humiliation. I think that I can safely say that any self-confidence and self-esteem that I may have once had has now been completely destroyed.

 

Now whenever I find myself in a situation where I could have an opportunity to get to know a woman better, or ask her out, or whatever, I simply do not have the resources to make the effort anymore. I truly feel as if my reservoirs of self-confidence and self-esteem are not only empty, they have been completely shattered as well. Completely preventing them from ever filling up again. I have had a few conversations about these problems with people and they all struggle to understand why I've never had and probably never will have a girlfriend.

 

One of the people that I have talked to actually envied the fact that I've never had a relationship. She said that I managed to spare myself a lot of heartache and drama. That statement, needless to say, really annoyed me. I felt like replying by saying that at least you have had those experiences. All we ever really have in life are our experiences. At least you have gone though some of the good times as well as the bad. Imagine a "love life" that is filled with nothing but loneliness, rejection, regret, and bitterness. How dare you say that you envy my situation? I would never wish my "love life" or any aspect of my life on even my most worst, most hated enemy. No human being deserves to be sentenced to the life I've been forced to lead. No human being should be forced to endure the feelings of utter hopelessness and worthlessness that I endure everyday. I realize that the grass may look greener on the other side to you, but believe me, it's all crab grass and poison ivy.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to feel loved and wanted but everyone I come in contact with either seems to hate me or they just plain ignore me. I think that it may be my jaded view that has developed slowly over the years, but it feels as if everyone around me rubs his or her relationships in my face as well. It's like whenever I'm around they talk about their great girlfriend or great boyfriend and how wonderful they are together and how great their sex life is and they talk about their plans for the future and blah, blah, blah, blah… I know that most people would be happy for them, but for me it's the emotional equivalent of rubbing salt in my wounds. I wish there was a way to start taking action again and hopefully find someone, but with no fuel for the fire I'm going nowhere fast. I gave up a long time ago and I don't think I can take this life of mine much longer. There's just no point. In life we have to play the cards that we have been dealt, unfortunately for me I was dealt a losing hand.

 

Sorry for my rant. It's all just built up to the exploding point and I had to let it out. I'll go back to hiding under a rock now.

[wlfpack81]

I echo your feelings exactly Pyralis.

[Caldus]

Going to copy from another post of mine:

 

 

 

The whole point of this is that no one should feel like getting a boyfriend/girlfriend will complete their life. No one should be completely responsible for anyone else's happiness. The most likely reason some of you are having no luck with women is because you unintentionally show that attitude you have in life towards women. Some people can easily tell if you're unhappy with yourself or not and that will not be attractive to them at all. It's hard for others to see the good traits in you when you don't show them! Read the above paragraphs and hopefully that will put some people in the right direction. I'm working on all of this myself too.

[traz]

Just thought I'd post my recent experience with "shy silence"...

 

There's this girl who I"m really starting to like. We were always in the same group of friends, but I never really talked to her or noticed her much despite this. That's up until a couple of months ago, when I realised how sweet and great she really was. She's a really quiet person to most ppl, and rarely talks. So over the past 2 months, I've been trying to talk to her and just become a bit more friendly, since we used to never say a word to each other. And I've definitely succeeded...we talk to each other all the time now, and she's really talkative if she's comfortable with you. It's great.

 

So today after school, I was there alone, and she just came up to me and hung out with me, and spoke to me for about 20 minutes. It's REALLY unlike her to do that, as she's usually really shy, especially if I"m there alone, so I was really surprised. I was really really really close to asking her out at that point...but I choked. Instead I didn't do anything. I was too scared that she wouldn't like me more than a friend. BAH...but if I don't try, it'll never happen!

 

Just thought I"d add that in since it was related to the original post...SHYNESS 1 - COURAGE 0

[Strandysmommy]

it feels as if everyone around me rubs his or her relationships in my face as well. It's like whenever I'm around they talk about their great girlfriend or great boyfriend and how wonderful they are together and how great their sex life is and they talk about their plans for the future and blah, blah, blah, blah… I know that most people would be happy for them, but for me it's the emotional equivalent of rubbing salt in my wounds.

 

Heh, try this one: ALL of my closest friends are married now. I had a circle of friends and they all got together with each other. I was the ONLY ONE with nobody. I watched as my first set of friends got married and dropped off the face of the earth. Then the biggest sock in the jaw was when I had recently gotten shot down around christmas 2002, and then christmas eve at the candlelight service my 2 closest friends grinned eagerly and flashed their engagement rings in my face. Of course! How could I blame them, they were excited they're getting married to the guy they wanted and got. I should have been overjoyed and clapped my hands in glee for them. SHOULD HAVE. But did I want to do that? HECK NO. And then they proceeded to squeal and giggle about the things that engaged WOMEN talk about. (even though they're 1 and 3 years younger than I am) This instantly put them on a different plane than me.

 

One time, summer 2001, there was a pool party, and I was the lone single one (surprise surprise!) and I got so sick of it, especially due to this one guy who loves being a jerk. He couldn't keep his hands off his girlfriend. I left, and he was like "poor you...you're the 7th wheel!" and everyone laughed. And so he repeated the line like 8 times before I left.

 

The only friends I have left now are married, but they don't shove it in my face. The rest of them have dropped off the face of the earth, in favor of being around other married couples. I guess as a single girl, I couldn't POSSIBLY relate to such mature matters as being married.

[wlfpack81]

^usually ends up that way. When friends get married you're left out if your single. Why I now prefer to hang around single people only. If a potential guy friend or girl friend is in a relationship then I don't bother hanging around b/c being a 3rd wheel etc. sucks.

[Caldus]

Pretty much all of my friends are single so I guess I don't know what it feels like to be surrounded by friends who have a boyfriend/girlfriend. But I do see lots of couples in college. It used to affect me but not anymore. Don't worry guys your time will come. Don't lose hope or anything now.

[corvidae]

I appreciate the advice, I really do. I think it's nice people try to help, and I'm not arguing just to be difficult! But I have a history, everyone does, and it makes us who we are. An event, like a rejection, isn't a one off thing, it comes on top of everything else we've experienced, and how we deal with it is dependent on how our life has programmed us to deal with it. In school I was very successful academically, and the culture in our school was such that if you did well then everyone thought you were a geek, and you were not respected. It was an all boys school, with a girls school next door, but because of my social status girls would not speak to me, and would insult me. For a long time I felt I was 'ugly' even 'deformed'. It has taken a lot of work and support from friends for me feel 'not ugly'. Physically speaking. You see? That's me! Maybe you understand and maybe you don't, but that's me. It isn't you or him or anyone else; this perfectly balanced psychological construction that is my mind is me, and the things it experiences are unique to it. Just like the things you experience are unique to you as you have your history! We are all unique. Svenman always say 'just go fo it, it doesn't matter' but I think he must have had a mixture of successes and failures, so for him a rejection is something different. Plus, I am bitter! I'm bitter at women (on a very subtle level, I don't go around being rude or nasty) for all those years of being ignored! I don't see why I should give them opportunities to wound me further!

[1899]

Man, I just dont understand! I cant go with most women my age because they are not of my religion, I have to hear "do no become unequally yoked" from my clergy but most of you? Why not try dating services like ... (or is it dating?) Some hot women on there. Post your picture, post your aboutme essay, and practice dating over the internet in slow motion. Its great!

 

I dont think im uphill with women in general, Heck, one girl over heard my converstion trying to find a book i needed and gave me her number to sell me a book while i was in the campus book store.

 

My only problem is most of the girls in my religion wont flirt, smile or play hard to get. even tho you see them every sunday, so you cant go too far without looking weird. Im just trying to get out to other congregations more.

 

And Strandysmommy,

That was very childish of him to do that to you! I think he may have been trying to get back at you for somthing. You really need to not hang around people like that and hang around groups of people in your situation.

[Tex1907]

this is a great post man....im going thru a simiar dillema right now....

[1899]

I read your post and ill say that if you like her you should definatly ask her out because she really stepped out there to ask you out in the first place. At this point she probably is waiting for you to make the next move. Shes not going to do all the work! Think of it like this. Ask her to join you at an event. If she makes excuses and dosent try make up for it, then Id say shes probably not interested. Otherwise if she agrees, well... But I wouldint wait around too long, its your turn!

[kailola]

hungryhippo is right I think.

 

To quote myself shamelessly, for pyralis and the others:

I am in your situation, and the hurt you describe I used to deal with every single day for years. At a certain point however, I've made peace with the fact that it could still be a long, long time before anyone would show any affection or interest in me. I'm not saying I gave up, not yet, but if it doesn't happen, well, I'm prepared for that possibility. It gives me a great sense of peace and patience, although there are still bad days when despair breaks through that mentality. However, on the whole I can say that mindset has saved me from day in day out agony, and I am able to normally go to school, go to work and social functions.

 

I don't know if it helps any, but perhaps it provides some insight.

 

And I still believe that this might help for some. Society is heavily based on having relationships. If you don't have any for an extended period of time, the loneliness, rejection, regret, and bitterness could literally kill a person. I've seen it happen. Hence why I believe in preparation and acceptance. For some, affection is simply not in the cards. But we can still try to do good and be valuable in other ways.

[LifePak]

good post, keeping this post as references

[Ceema-k]

People who have never dealt with chronic shyness will never understand that being shy is not just about feeling anxious around people and being afraid of social situations. It often affects how we think about ourselves, our self-esteem, determines our interests and hobbies, increases the likelihood of depression and limits our chances of meeting good people for friendships and other lasting relationships. All of this stuff has a huge impact on a shy person's life, from top to bottom.

 

It takes a loooong time to get over your shyness enough so you can pursue a life that you want. So the sooner you start chipping away at it, the better. Yes, beating shyness takes work... a TON of work and persistence.

 

Which is sorta why I feel Kyo, and shy people like him, are putting the cart waaay before the horse. They are shy and they are trying to find a girlfriend and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's pretty good practice and should help with dealing with their shyness. BUT, if you're still shy, chances are you aren't ready for such a big step. If you can't even look someone in the eyes with confidence, it becomes very hard to build up romantic energy. And I noticed with Kyo that there is a huge disconnect between what he wants and how much he feels he deserves it. In short, Kyoshiro, you don't truly believe you deserve the attentions of a beautiful girl. You simply do not know your own worth. As Caldus as said time & time again, you need some confidence in yourself... it's not just about being able to approach sometime. Having confidence will enable to deal with the outcomes of approaching a girl (or anyone), whatever they may be.

 

I want to end my overly long post by saying that everyone here should take pride in their own struggles. Just be careful not to let it become a pathological obssession, where you become addicted to your own misery and failure. We make mistakes and we suffer so that we can learn from them, not so that we can beat ourselves up about it.

 

And btw, i'm gotten over my shyness but it's not like my life has magically transformed. Yes, it has improved dramatically, but many of the struggles are still the same. I still get lonely, I still search for love, stress, social anxieties, worries about the future... everything. And once you think you've found something right for you, the struggle continues, because relationships are hard work and they will open up a whole new can of worms for you to deal with. That is why it's so important to be confident and to know and love yourself, because heavy stuff will happen that will really test you as a person and past problems like your fear of approaching someone to talk to will suddenly seem very small & trivial in comparison. It's a journey, this whole thing. And it ends when you end.

 

Sorry if I sound preachy in this post. As someone who is longer shy but remembers almost everything about being a shy person, I feel like I have a lot of helpful advice to give. Feel free to PM me if you need a sympathetic ear or whatever.

[al7]

 

i'm gotten over my shyness but it's not like my life has magically transformed. Yes, it has improved dramatically, but many of the struggles are still the same. I still get lonely, I still search for love, stress, social anxieties, worries about the future... everything. And once you think you've found something right for you, the struggle continues, because relationships are hard work and they will open up a whole new can of worms for you to deal with. That is why it's so important to be confident and to know and love yourself, because heavy stuff will happen that will really test you as a person and past problems like your fear of approaching someone to talk to will suddenly seem very small & trivial in comparison. It's a journey, this whole thing. And it ends when you end.

 

I think it would be interesting to her HOW you've gotten over your shyness?

 

Did you use any medicine by the way? Speaking about it..since old times guys have been used to drink in order to relax and get rid of excessive shyness to approch girls. Unfortunately, I am not a good drinker: I do not enjoythat stuff and it does not affect me much, beside sI hate drinking alone.

 

There is that thing..amoryn. It is just a mixture of some herbs,

mostly St. John Wort. Maybe it is helful in the loong run, but I doubt it is strong to help right away..

Does anyone try anything like that with any success?