what exactly does she want?

[beemersv101]

Okay, my ex and I have been separated for about 4 months now. When we broke up, I wasn't aware of this site or NC or any of those other tips, but after the first week of emotional conversations after the break up, I tried to get back my dignity by not bringing the relationship into conversation anymore. I still wanted my ex back, but I just figured it wouldn't help to be constantly harassing my ex about getting back together when I was the one who messed up in the first place.

Anyway, I tried to "move on" a few times but there have been several obstacles keeping me from that. First of all, I still love my ex dearly and I don't want to just move on. But secondly, it seems my ex can't seem to make up her mind. Our contact has been limited to emails and online messaging ever since the breakup, and our "relationship" is really sketchy. Sometimes I'll write her a decent sized email only to get two or three sentence responses, or nothing at all. But then out of nowhere, she'll write me and ask how things are going and how it's weird not to hear from me. Or we'll talk online and it will be almost like normal, but then she'll disapear for a week only to pop out of no where and send me a link to something she knows I would enjoy. I was starting to think that she practically hated me, but then in a conversation she asked if I hated her now, I told her no of course, and I asked her the same, and she said no, that I was actually on her list of people she liked.

Another thing that confused me, has to do with the fact that while we dated I was trying to teach her some spanish and she would teach me some french. So one day I was really surprised to find her online (but away) and her name had been changed to "Te amo" which basically means I love you, which is something I taught her. I didn't ask her about it, and she didn't mention it either. It happened only a few weeks after the break up, so I doubted that she had found someone else so quickly to be saying I love you to, but I can't be sure.

Something else: her profile, which was last updated a few days after we broke up, still contains refrences to me and our relationship. Who knows, maybe she's just been lazy and hasn't changed it.

Or maybe all of the things I've mentioned are just coincidences, but I hate this because I can't try to move on and let my heart recooperate until I'm sure that she doesn't love me anymore. But how can I be sure of it when she acts so weird?

Any advice?

[GettingOverIt]

I have been going through something very similar with my ex-gf. At first, I thought they were some kind of hints or something to get back together, but sometimes, it's just a way to show you that she still cares about you, though she may not feel the same kind of 'love' she once did. It took me a LONG time to see that. Now, we both do things that we know the other enjoys just because.... And, it can mean even more between us (as friends) because it may be something that only she and I would 'get.' I used to read way too much into that, and I spent many hours (ha! days!) over-analyzing every little thing.... Then, somehow I realized that these were just ways she had of letting me know she still cared about me, but not in the same way. So, even now, when I know I am going to see her, I will wear something I know she liked. Not to start something up again, but to let her know that I respect her decision to move on and that I still care about her very much....

[melrich]

Yeah I agree with gettingoverit, you are reading way too much into things. Your ex does still like you (as do most when break ups don't descend into the whole begging, please take me back scenario).

 

Your ex is just being friendly. If this is difficult for you to handle because of your feelings for her, let her know this and tell her you want to cease contact with her to allow you to get over your relationship. You sound like you need to go through this process. You can always resume contact when you feel you have moved on and no longer have feelings of wanting to be in a relationship with her.

[beemersv101]

Well, I was trying for the whole "lets be friends thing" but she can't seem to handle that either. I've asked simple questions before, just to make sure she was okay after stressful events, or other things that a "friend" would ask, and it's like she doesn't know how to respond, whether she should open up and tell me or if she should pretend like I didn't ask at all.

I feel like there's more to the situation than maybe I included in my first post, so you can get more of the story here:

 

I am always trying to correct myself for over-analyzing things, but I'm not so sure about it this time. I know her and have that information to fall back on in my "overanalysis".

[melrich]

If you are both having trouble dealing with being broken up then you should definitely not be in contact with each other. Things will only turn ugly.

 

I read your previous post. You do not say what the lie is but assumimg it was nothing major then it has just been an excuse to end the relationship with you.

 

People do not break up with people they are in love with over one little lie or omission. It just does not happen that way.

[beemersv101]

I did say the lie. I lied about my age. I was a year younger than she thought. And actually, I thought the same thing you did. After we broke up, I confronted her about it and said that she must have not loved me, and that she was lying to herself and to me about her feelings. That was probably the low point of the whole breakup thing...she was extremely hurt that I even considered that and me saying that prolly hurt my chances just as bad as the lie itself.

[melrich]

No then I think you were right. There was more to her reason for breaking up than that. The lie was just an excuse to hang on to. Truth is she probably can't even put her finger on the reason herself. Sometimes we break up with people because we know it is just not quite right without being able to work out what is not right. It is just instinct.

[detox5]

Sometimes we break up with people because we know it is just not quite right without being able to work out what is not right

 

 

lol i hope my ex thinks that with her currect bf, actually shes said it in her own words tbh.

[SilverManic]

Makes me wonder if that was the real reason for my ex dumping me. I think thats pretty much true. If something is not quite right then there shouldn't be a realationship. But then again and I know it's not that important but can a relationship really be built with out trust?

[beemersv101]

Okay, so you think I should just tell her that we each need our space for now? How do I go about saying that? "Oh, I think you're still messed up over our breakup so we can't talk"

[melrich]

I think you should tell her that maintaining contact with her is not helping you move on. You need to try and get over the residual feelings you have. You think it would be a good idea if the two of you styaed away from each other for the next 6 months or so.

 

Simple as that.

[beemersv101]

is there even a chance that she and i can be friends after that?

[beemersv101]

Because I think that's a difficult point for me...to just be like, okay, all that time and energy and effort is gone, because if we can't even be friends, that whole period of my life (in terms of my love life) and what I went through, sacrificed, etc was useless and whatnot. How does one cope with that?

And if she truly isn't ready to be "friends" with me either (which I suspect is true), what does that say about her and what she's going through right now? Cause basically, right now I'm clueless because she practically refuses to tell me how she feels about anything concerning our breakup.

I feel like I just need a difinitive answer from her and why...but of course, I don't think that'll happen. So possibly the whole no contact thing for a few months would be good...

[rich46]

Because I think that's a difficult point for me...to just be like, okay, all that time and energy and effort is gone, because if we can't even be friends, that whole period of my life (in terms of my love life) and what I went through, sacrificed, etc was useless and whatnot. How does one cope with that?

It's incredibly difficult to begin with. No doubt about it. But it does get better as each week passes if you use your time wisely, and keep yourself busy. Trying to be friends is near enough impossible in my opinion, and will only lead to even more heartache.

 

I was with my ex for 3.5 years and the first couple of months of NC were hard. The last few months have been a lot easier and I'm feeling good right now. Just keep posting on this site and you'll get some great advice, and before you know it, months will have passed by and you'll be feeling more and more like your old self. Don't believe me? Read some of my posts from back in July and compare them to my recent ones.

 

Good luck...you'll be just fine!

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[beemersv101]

Thanks for your input Rich. I appreciate it I'm usually a pretty steadfast person who doesn't get upset over much, at least not for any extended period of time (obstacles in life tend to teach us to be that way I think). So this whole thing with my ex was such a blow to me...you know, not only having to deal with the heartache but then being angry at myself for even letting it have such an affect on me. And it didn't help that I thought the end result of the situation was kind of unfair ( I had to deal with serious repercussions from my family because of this relationship while my ex's family remained in ignorant bliss). So my ex gets to move on and there are no remainders or reminders of me in her life, while I have family stuff to wad through now.

But I guess that all really doesn't matter...and it's nice ot hear that in a few months that I can be practically back to normal. I'm looking forward to it.

[DragonGirl724]

If you are both having trouble dealing with being broken up then you should definitely not be in contact with each other. Things will only turn ugly.

 

THANK YOU RICH! a friendship can not develop when both parties have alterior motives. stop thinking for 2 people youre gonna kill yourself trying. she probably doesnt mean 1/2 as much as what youre thinking shes thinking...see how complicated that sounds...arg! save yourself the trouble.

 

live, learn & let go.

 

-DG724

[melrich]

Yeah you need to put some space between the end of your relationship and the point where you can be friends.

 

Yes one day you can undoubtedly be friends. I remain friends with all my ex partners with whom I had longer term relationships (5 of them) but in each case we had an extended period where we did not have any contact at all. Don't force it and if you both want friendship in the future it will happen.

[beemersv101]

For some reason, I'm feeling kind of insecure about having to admit to her that I need time without contact with her before I can be friends with her. She was always more "zen" than I, and I'm guessing that she'll just think I'm being overly emotional or something. Like needing a break from her is a sign of weakness or something. Then again, you all thought that maybe she wasn't ready to go into a friendship either...but it's not like she's admitting that.

I can't just stop responding to her emails without any explanation, so I guess I have to say something. I'm just nervous about it for some reason.

[Mix Maxster]

Or maybe all of the things I've mentioned are just coincidences, but I hate this because I can't try to move on and let my heart recooperate until I'm sure that she doesn't love me anymore. But how can I be sure of it when she acts so weird?

 

and that's EXACTLY what has gone through mine and probably a billion other people on this forum, but guess what... you'll never know that she doesn't love you anymore. Because they didn't know they loved you when they first met you either, but it didn't mean they couldn't. And that's just it, you'll never know because she could come back even after you're sure she won't. It sucks, but it's life.

 

Max

[beemersv101]

Yeah...you're right. But it kind of sucks that you can't be sure of things like that. But like you said, that's life.

[GreatGuy]

We live it and we learn. Time for you to begin a bigger relationship with YOURSELF. You have so much more to do for yourself...you don;t even have time for anything else. How many years has it gone since you told yourself how proud you are of that Entity that is within you, that caresses you, hugs you, loves you, and has been with you since the beginning?

 

Hang in there and be your best Self!

[Mix Maxster]

Yes YES!! GreatGuy, yes!

 

This is more of the focus we now need because I feel that in everything we have neglected ourselves the most. Out of everything, we have ourselves to rely on, fall back on and enevitably be with. We'll never leave ourselves for anything and we have us until we die, use that to your advantage because I wouldn't trade it in for the world.

 

Now is the time to be REALLY selfish and do your own thing, live your own life and not care about other peoples thoughts or opinions for the time being. Just go out there to find yourself, that's what I'm really focusing on right now and it's paying off big time.

 

Later,

Max

[beemersv101]

I've been thinking a lot about what you all have been saying and I agree that I need to take the adaquate steps to get myself over my ex. I have this other question now though...while in the process of getting over someone, is it acceptable to start a purely physical relationship with someone else? I know that sounds an awful lot like a rebound, but does "rebounding" like that really have a negative effect on your chances at emotional recovery?