Making the drive... Now what?

[klambert918]

Hello!

A few weeks ago I began posting about my situation. Long story (very) short, my boyfriend moved out of state to be with his daughter. We had discussed a long distance relationship but decided it was ultimately not the best decision because he wasn't planning on moving back. We tried to not communicate, thinking it would be easier on us both, however it was the most difficult thing we'd ever done. Harder than him leaving. We talk all the time, skype regularly, and I'm planning on going down there to spend the coming weekend with him. It has essentially turned into a LDR.

Currently he has been there for 3 weeks. He is quickly running out of the money he had saved and has yet to find a job. He had 3 interviews with a company that ended up turning him down and has had no other offers. He was pretty crushed when he didn't get the job he had interviewed for and told me that he is worried he is going to run out of money and then not be able to come back to our state. Of course I told him I'd do whatever I can to get him back here, if that's what it came down to. He is very sad, lonely, and really just doesn't like it there, despite being closer to his daughter.

I am considering talking to him about coming back, before he runs out of money. Obviously it hasn't been very long, but the fact that he can't find a job is a huge factor in him staying there. What I want to do is tell him to come back with me (he is living month to month) and we will make it work with his child. I am going to offer my complete dedication to him seeing her at least once a month (it's about a 700 mile drive, and plane tickets aren't outrageous), and once she is older, her spending the summers and holidays with us. He misses our state terribly, misses the mountains, his lifestyle here, and his family and friend base. I don't want to present this to him as an ultimatum, because that's not what it is. More of an alternative to him being there.

I'm worried it might push him away and I'm obviously setting myself up for potential heartache - even more than i've been going through. He is very determined but it's just not working out how he had planned.

I guess I'm more just writing to lay down my thoughts and get anyone's input on it.

I want to support him in every way, and that includes financially while he gets back on his feet here. And I would have no problem contributing to him seeing his daughter, even if it was just him that went. I don't really know where I'm going with this... maybe just looking for confirmation that this is the right way to go.

[CatsMeeoow]

He made a decision to be near his daughter and he is not moving back.

 

Was an offer ever extended that once he is settled you would also make that move to be with him? If the answer is no then why did you continue the relationship?

 

Right now he is overwhelmed that things are not going as planned and he is leaning on you as a friend. What happens when he gets a job? He will need you less as a support system are you prepared for that?

 

Be very cautious about this notion that you will contribute to him financially for him to get back on his feet including his responsibilities to his daughter. What are you going to get out of this? Are you prepared for the moment he doesn't need you and he walks leaving you broke? I think if he had had half the commitment that you have you would have been included in all his planning to be closer to his daughter. You are not on this earth to save this man when he chose to leave.

 

I see no commitment from him to you... he left, he wasn't coming back and I see no plan in place for you to move to be with him.

[Supernova1607309611]

Are you going to diaper and powder and burp him too?

 

Seriously, he is a grown man and made a decision to be near his daughter. And if he was stupid enough to do it without a job and not enough money to support himself, then that is his problem, not yours, and he needs to figure it out himself rather than you acting like his mother.

 

And if you do try to entice him back before it is his own decision to leave, then he will spend the rest of his life every time he is unhappy with you saying, 'I moved back here for you and it is your fault that I miss my daughter or she's a juvenile delinquent (or whatever) and you promised we could spend your money on my daughter so you need to cough it up'.

 

He's a grown man and not a baby or your child. He needs to make up his mind and also live with the consequences of his decisions, and hopefully learn from them if he behaves impulsively or makes bad decision. You don't need to be waiting there with his bottle and binkie to mother him and tell him what to do, especially when it is your own self interest trying to entice him back rather than letting him work this out and work out what is best for him and his daughter.

 

You're also setting up a really bad dynamic here, where you're playing a motherly role while busily trying to tie him to your apron strings and take over for him financially etc. because you are so desperate not to be alone. You may think it is fine with you now, but how will you feel if you strike a devil's bargain that in order to get him back and lure him away from his daughter, you're going to subsidize him and these trips from now to eternity. You're desperate to get him back and may feel happy with the idea now, but just wait til these trips start cutting into your own family time and lots of money is going out that could be going to you and your own child in order to finance these trips all the time, that you've agreed to finance in perpetuity.

 

And frankly there's something kind of skeevy about a grown woman trying to lure a man away from his child. If he wants to make that choice that is it OK to live in another state from his child and see her rarely, then that is his choice. But if YOU are trying to lure him away from her, that shows you are clearly willing to totally change a child's life in order to finagle him away from her and back into your bed. I would never do that, not in a million years, and you should think long and hard before you try to tempt him away with promises of money and taking care of him rather than letting him take care of his daughter.

 

If he makes that choice ON HIS OWN that it is best to move away from his daughter then that is fine, but you're behaving very selfishly if you try to take this little girls' Daddy away from her everyday life for your own self interest.