bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 the ex is no longer family...you have an ex because you could not get along...so why go back and try and be SUPER MOM... Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Are you now questioning her love of her grand kids? Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 ladies, here's a twist for you...if it was about being with family...could they have not came over to her house....without the ex...I think so... Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Dude...let it go. Depending on how you look at it, you won! You are free. Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 my issue is not about her daughter or her grand kids...she has a home and they could have came over...but instead she insists she need to be there...again if they were really sick...not a problem...she divorced...that means she is no longer part of that household and family...she has her own place, Yes she has kids and grandkids there...she does not need to be sleeping there Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Dude..it's not your problem anymore. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 ...but to be there for 4 days and only lives less than 10 minutes away????? that's my issue You dumped her for this?!!? To each his own, but that's a lousy reason. Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 The way I see it is if she wants to continue to disrespect guys...she will be alone... Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 There is a lot of arguing happening on this thread between just a few people and it's quickly going to "run it's course" and be closed down. bhbull, there will be others who will chime in with other opinions if it doesn't get shut down, so if you want more opinions instead of the few you've received to be changed, then please be patient and accept that some won't be to your liking. Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 ok I will chill out...sorry for ruffling there feathers Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 mhoe, I sent you a private message Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 bhbull, MHowe has a "w" in her name, which was starting to bug me since we were getting stuck on ways people show respect. I don't think there is an issue here. Your own posts point out that there are lots of fish in the sea, that after 4 years starting over isn't daunting to you, that you would just assume find someone else anyway. With 1200 miles between you, it can be easy to feel insecure about situations that you can't observe first hand. I recommend you take responsibility for being sensitive about the ex's presence in the house, acknowledge that you are confident she won't be intimate with him, express appreciation for her devotion to her daughter and grandchildren, and then muscle through this by giving yourself a lot of positive self-talk. Remind yourself why you chose to stay with each other, remind yourself how lucky you are to be with someone who would be welcomed into a home under these circumstances, and who would willingly serve her family in this way. This is not something either of my parents would have done; nor my in-laws. In our family, sick kids are clearly the parents' job, and the parents alone. Your (ex) GF is generous with her time and affection for her daughter and her daughter's children, and I think that is lovely and to be applauded. If what I have just written doesn't work for you, as it seems in yesterday's posts it doesn't, then I suggest that your values are in conflict with your GF's values, and that long distance is difficult for you. Acknowledge those two irreconcilable differences, and find someone local with similar values. Getting advice means stretching ourselves beyond our current skill set, beyond our current comfort zone. Advice is used to grow and change and meet goals previously unattainable. If the advice does not agree with us, we are free to continue as previously intended. The value of ENA is providing those other perspectives in case we choose to change. The choice has always been yours. Good luck to you. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Tee hee --- I must have overlooked the misspelling or passive/aggressive purposeful misspelling. I figured he was using some liquid courage.... Anywho ---- he did PM and ask for further advice. I will be interested to see if he returns. Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 No...no liquid courage. I don't drink and yes I did PM mhowe for further advise. I will admit after reading all the responses that 3 ladies gave here...I was wrong for what I did...will I try to change it with her...Yes I will and I think mhowe will attest to that as that's what the pm was about...when I said will I try to change it with her...yes....I will call and visit with her and apologize for what I have done...not afraid to tell myself...hey dude your wrong...will she accept it...guess there's only one way to find out Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 MHoe, IthinkICan, and others...ok so I asked for your opinions...now I ask for advise...I know a couple on here are going to say "she is done with you" rightfully so....how and what do I do??? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I would doubt that one stupid fight/disagreement will end a 4 yr relationship unless it was already on the rocks. You apologize sincerely, which means you have to figure out why it bothered you so much ---- and ask HER what it will take to put this behind you. Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 No it was not on the rocks...just stupid insecurities...you know us men and then you put distance in there.... Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Good gawd...then I still can not spell your name right Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Here's what you don't do: You: I am sorry. Her: Ok....what are you sorry for? You: I am sorry that what I said upset you. That aint an apology. You apologize for your behavior, for your intent (lack of trust, YOUR insecurities) ---- not that you upset her, or that she got angry. I am not one for over the top gestures --- but perhaps a get away weekend is in order. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Good gawd...then I still can not spell your name right I just figured you are a bad typist....I am not worried about the "w". Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 ok....will see what I can do...meanwhile back to work....keep everyones advise coming... Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 bhbull I am impressed by your ability to re-evaluate and change course. Nice job. As MHowe described, take responsibility for your feelings, and acknowledge how they impacted your behavior. "I apologize for causing such havoc between us. I was really insecure about your visit this week, for no logical reason, and I let my insecurities rule my thinking and cause both of us pain. I really am sorry I did that. Instead of showing you my insecurity, I lashed out against you. It is as if lashing out against you was better than showing you I was threatened. Trying to control you is not right; I need to control myself. I was protecting myself from getting hurt. If I want this relationship, I am going to have to practice having faith in our ability to stay together. I am sorry I doubted you and doubted us." Of course this is not how you would say it, but maybe reading something will help you as you put your thoughts together. Learning how to be vulnerable is hard; I notice I hit a bump in the road when my feelings escalate to another level, especially if that escalation coincides with some interference. What feels like a desire to reject the other person is actually a reflection of me feeling even more attached. I am hoping I will remember this next time I lose my footing. Maybe you are ready to find a way to live closer together? Link to comment
superfan Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Here is some advice from someone who was in a long distance relationship for about 3 years prior to my husband moving to be with me. He is from Scotland and I am from Canada, so there was a HECK of a lot more distance between us than 1200 miles. When you are far apart, your insecurities become magnified. I have remained friends with two of my exes (and their wives) and hang out with them occasionally. When we first started dating my husband had some trouble with this. He didn't flat out tell me not to hang out with these people, but he did express discomfort with the friendship. I tried to mediate that discomfort by making sure that I always told him when my friend and I were hanging out, as well as making sure that we did not hang out in any "date like" scenarios such as dinner or drinks. I kept our hangouts to public places, etc. Once he got here, and met them, they formed a friendship and now we all hang out together - the insecurity has disappeared. You might not have accused her of cheating, but it is obvious that you fear that possibility. However, as others have pointed out, this is not a matter of her hanging out with an ex and you feeling uncomfortable about it. This is her family. It doesn't matter how close by she lives, or how long she stayed or whether they could have come to her place. It is not YOUR place to dictate how she spends time with her child or grandchildren. She is not disrespecting you by putting her kids first or her grandkids first. I think if you want to get her back you need to fully realize this as well as the reason why you were bothered by this. If you truly trust that she would not be unfaithful (and you need to be for long distance to be successful) then you need to confront just WHY this bothered you. I think it sounds like you resent the fact that the ex is so physically close to her and you are not. I think part of you also resents the priority she places on her family that she is incapable of placing on you. If you want this relationship to work you need to not only apologize but make a plan for one of you to be closer to the other, otherwise the relationship will never progress. It sounds like she has a lot of ties near her, so are you willing to move to be with her? Or are you going to stay in long distance limbo forever? My husband sold his house, quit his job and moved to Canada. It was a BIG move, but necessary. Link to comment
bhbull Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 ok people...want this to work...give me the steps you feel will work...Ie: text message first to kinda break the ice...phone call...whats the best way?? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Review the last 2 posts...calm yourself and call. No text. Link to comment
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