Missing my cheating ex? :(

[Gaynor]

My ex and I were together for a year, I split up with him in march because of his anger problems. after a few months he got back in contact and we met up, I thought we would get back together... then he suddenly said he wanted to be on his own. I found out he was lying and had met somebody else. I also found out he cheated during our relationship. This all happened back in June and I'm still really upset and missing him, and I feel like I want to text him and see how he's doing. He's not with that other woman now. I know it sounds pathetic of me and I shouldn't want him back, but I can't help how I feel. I've never contacted him or vice versa for almost four months now. Should I try? Or am I just being a fool? I'm 31 and he was my first love. Iv been feeling better lately but suddenly my feelings have come back. He started following me on Twitter lately and I think that has made me think of him.

[pblack]

Please keep strong during these times, He had anger issues he cheated he didn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated in life I think if you look at it from an out siders point of view what advice would you give yourself and that has to be the answer to this. I know letting go of love is a very hard thing to do but you have to keep going the way you are with NC. Every time you start to think of him in a good way close your eyes and imagine him with his other girlfriend he cheated on you with think of all the lies he told you and before long your brain will start to think differently and then one day he will be a distant memory. You have the ability to do this and I wish you all the luck in the world

[lavenderdove]

You miss who you thought he was, not who he really was. You know he is a cheater, so that even if you got back together now, it wouldn't be too long before he was cultivating new women on the side, and dumping you again when an attractive enough one showed up.

 

At 31, you need to be investing your time in finding a steady and loyal man who is not a cheater and who is a good candidate to be a husband and father. This guy isn't it. You need to work harder at seeing him for who he really is and realizing that won't work long term. Sure, you could get him back for a while, but the trick would be keeping him, and tolerating his cheating and lying which you already know he does, and will certainly do again because that is who he is.

[Gaynor]

It's just that the cheating and lying seems so different to the image he presented to me. The cheating was in the first few months of our relationship..and the second woman, I still see it as cheating even though we were not technically together.i just feel so lost lately. I just keep hearing about him and I get to thinking about him again. know he is not the man I thought he was but I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting things. My heart won't listen to my head.

[tmp171014a]

Hello,

 

The best thing you can do right now is to go into No Contact mode. That means to drop ALL contact with him as much as possible. Delete his number. Remove things that remind you of him. If you can, remove/block him from Twitter. It may sound cold, but the fact that he cheated on you in the first place wasn't fair to you. Personally, I would never take back a cheater. EVER. No matter how long you two have been together, if he decided to be unfaithful and go to this other woman behind your back, it shows that he is weak and insecure with himself and wasn't ready to deal with possible guilt or handling long-term relationships. This second woman he is seeing with, however, does not count as cheating. He is either in a rebound relationship or has moved on for good. You can't control it. This was his decision.

 

You need to accept the situation and start working on improving yourself, not for him but for you only. Never do something for the sake of someone else. Don't think that using no contact will get your ex back. The point of NC is to improve on yourself and learn from your mistakes and being able to finally move on. If he tries to come back into your life, gently reject him and say that you have bigger, better things planned for your future and that you have moved on. It will really shake him if my assumption about him is right. And if he tries to beg, don't take him back. Don't back down. Stand up for yourself. He hurt you, and it's about time he got the same treatment.

 

So advice: do no contact with your ex, focus on your needs and want you want, go out with your friends and have fun, work on improving yourself (work, exercise, etc.), and learn to live without depending on someone else for your happiness because the only one who can make you happy is YOU.

[Venture]

I want to say that I understand your pain as I recently went through a similar situation. Its plain to see that you hold him in high esteem regardless of his infidelity. No doubt he has great parts to him as we all do but the fact of the matter is that he cheated. Why? Could be for many reasons, weak convictions, insecurities, being greedy and selfish which may have caused him to juggle you and someone else, etc. This might even be normal for him.

 

My ex lied to me when I know she cheated on me. She avoids that sort of confrontation so that the other person does not feel guilt but also so she does not have to take responsibility. In doing so she may lose friends, be ridiculed, and have to face the harsh reality of who she's become and who she will continue to be. This might be similar to what your ex is going through. You have this image of him which is that of a noble, loyal man who, for a time, made you very happy. But, in the end his own bad tendencies got the better of him.

 

You are worth more than how he treated you. Use this time to work on yourself and grow. Keep yourself busy and tired. It may get worse before it gets better but trust me when I say it does get better but YOU MUST make a consistent conscious effort to better yourself.

 

"In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions.

 

When did you stop dancing?

 

When did you stop singing?

 

When did you stop being enchanted by stories?

 

When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?"

[ParisPaulette]

You miss who you thought he was, but the fact is who he IS is someone who cheats and will leave you whenever he thinks someone "better" or "different" comes along. You can contact him and sure he'll probably come back if he's in between other women, but will that make him a faithful good partner? Nah, it'll just mean he knows you'll take him back no matter how badly he treats you or how much he risks your life with STDs including the fatal ones. And so he will feel safe and secure in being able to cheat on you and dump you whenever he feels like it then reel you back in when he needs an ego boost after more discerning women have dropped him.

 

Yes, I'm being harsh here, but you need to take the rose-colored glasses off. The man cheated on you and left you for someone else for Bleep's sake. Block him on everything and get yourself something that bumps up your self-esteem to the point you won't tolerate anyone who mistreats you like that. And yes, cheating on you is mistreating you.

[Gaynor]

I know, I need to see him for what he is...and I do..sometimes I feel really strong and would never contact him, but then I get weak times like this. I feel really depressed about it all. What makes it worse is that he has never tried to make things right, when we initially split and he came back he wouldn't talk about the issues, and then this happened with the other woman. And this true personality of his, is so at odds with the person he seemed to be. He seemed very honest, trustworthy, loving and protective of me. But his actions speak louder I guess. His anger problems were quite bad, he tried to kick in my door after I had gone to bed without responding to his texts,and had started to throw things in temper on occasion. I guess I should never have gone back in the first place. I am just going to keep in mind the bad things he did, and I do hate liars and that's what he is. Just the whole thing seems so twisted now, even if I was back with him I could never trust him. I just wish I could keep my head straight about it and stay strong.i think maybe it's because I was single for a long time and I thought my relationship with him would be the one that lasts but guess I was wrong.thanks for all the advice it helps keep me strong.

[ParisPaulette]

Whew, you dodged a major bullet. The anger and all of that speaks to more than just a cheat, he could potentially have become abusive. Oh, who am I kidding, he did become abusive to you. You don't throw a temper tantrum and try to kick in someone's door and throw things in anger and not have the potential in you to hurt someone, you just don't. All the good things you saw were essentially an act to get you to stay and look the other way. Most people who are abusive and/or players get very good at verbally being great, they employ tactics like it's just in the little things like follow-through and actions they show their true nature.

 

Plus it's only been four months and that's still fairly new in terms of breaking up. Give yourself some more time, list out all of the scary things he did, look at it whenever you start to feel nostalgic or like maybe you didn't see and hear what you saw and heard. It will help. Also, I'm sending you a link to a really great article on the types of manipulation tactics some people employ and I bet if you read it you'll see some of the things he did. link removed Educating yourself on these things isn't a bad idea, it can help a whole bunch.

[Ms Darcy]

At 31, you need to be investing your time in finding a steady and loyal man who is not a cheater and who is a good candidate to be a husband and father. This guy isn't it. You need to work harder at seeing him for who he really is and realizing that won't work long term. Sure, you could get him back for a while, but the trick would be keeping him, and tolerating his cheating and lying which you already know he does, and will certainly do again because that is who he is.

 

This.

 

At 30, I got out of a tumultuous relationship and the reason I moved on so quickly was focusing on the future. I knew I wanted children with a reliable husband and I would be wasting my time with someone who didn't pass muster.

 

I would suggest that you stop talking about him in the past tense. you will become a broken record that speaks only of the past. And then before you know it, you'll be 35 or 40 and "desperately" looking for a husband to have kids with.

 

Btw: He's not a psychopath; he's an emotionally abusive cheater and a jerk.

[Gaynor]

You are right, I think he was becoming abusive. That behaviour alone was what set the alarm bells ringing for me when I initiated the split in the first place. There had been a few othe things beforehand too, unexplained damage to my car and when he drive he got quite bad road rage which unsettled me. All this was before I knew he had cheated,and later leaving me for someone else.the next woman also decided she did not like his ways when she got to know him better, and dumped him too. I guess cheating was really just the tip of the iceberg. I will take a look at that link you sent, it looks interesting!

[Gaynor]

Yeah I will do my best to put him out of my mind and continue as I have been, maintaining no contact. He's probably done me a favour by not getting in touch. Hopefully soon it will all be out of my system so I can move on. This week has just been a bad one I suppose iv been feeling low generally and it makes me think of things a lot more than I usually do.

[Gaynor]

I just read your link. Quite a lot of it does apply to our relationship.feeling belittled, not allowed to talk through any issues, displays of anger to put me off contradicting him, loads of stuff. And yes I also felt like I was wrong for being on the defensive, and that the problems were all my fault! Argh. Guess I did dodge a bullet!