Dumped a few months shy of third anniversary and feeling miserable.

[Mending Heart]

(Lonnng story, bear with me) My boyfriend(can't even bring myself to say ex.) and I were long -distance but we saw each other every two months or so and we had serious plans for the future and talked about marriage, kids, etc like it was only a question of when, not if. He was so gun -ho the relationship and was extremely sweet and caring and committed and took care of me and was always there for me. We were like the perfect match and we joked about being twins. We were both kinda anti-social and were like two peas in a pod and we talked non -stop and we both didn't smoke or drink or do drugs, and he knew I was uncomfortable with female friends from a previous relationship and he didn't care and said he wanted me to feel secure and stuff.

 

Then everything changed when he entered university. He was suddenly social and he didn't include me or tell me anything about his new friends, not even their name. And he began drinking and he decided that I was controlling and he wanted female friends, and the ones he had previously added on Facebook he had originally reassured me it was just for school. He was rougher but still him, and I tried to accept the changes best I could. But it was hard with the distance and him being busy all the time and trying to adjust and him not really involving me. I was scared about him liking a female friend and they were strangers to me so I got insecure and always asked questions about who he was with and would get upset if there were females there. I know it was excessive now, but I was just scared then because he had changed and gone about things not in the best way and I was feeling insecure.

 

And he said he was unsure of being with me and after a few days he came around, but that had made my insecurity even worse. He had unsure moments a few times after during this whole thing whenever something would come up or when I'd get upset, but always coming back around. I got to meet his friends and I did feel better, but one, a female, was rude to me and she was one whom he used a wink face with in private chat, though he said he didn't mean it flirty, and he had lied to me about messaging her one time because he said he didn't want to hurt me. He also told her I was the jealous type, which he said he meant as a joke but I still don't see for what reason he said that at all.

 

Even though he didn't like how she treated me he was reluctant to back off from her and just be a acquaintance, and he said he tried but that he wanted to be her friend and he defended her and the way she treated me. It was really hard to hear and it was upsetting, and I tried to accept it and reassured myself that he didn't like her that way and then he told me that he kinda did like her. I actually threw up. He said that he wouldn't act on it and that I was the one he loved and wanted to be with, and he didn't want it to change anything and he felt like he should still be able to be friends with her, but it changed everything with me and I was extremely insecure with every interaction with her.

 

Through all this I know my insecurity contributed and I pushed him away being upset all the time and always needing reassurance, and he felt like he had to report to me and like I didn't trust him, and after counseling I realized all that and etc, but at the time I thought my feelings were justified because of stuff that happened, and I tried to word things better and not assume and to let him know I trusted him, which I did even if he didn't feel like it. Plus I was always willing to work through stuff and change for the better. I know he felt like if something came up again though that nothing had changed, but I was still healing and working on it and it wasn't always the same thing or in the same manner, but just if I was upset about it at all he'd think it was the same as before even if it wasn't the same. Plus with all the unsure times and the distance and his lack of communication and feeling uncomfortable with the one friend it was really hard for me to get that security.

 

He did always reassure me at first, and I always told him how his love and support helped me to heal and let go of stuff, but sometimes he'd just get defensive and I would just feel worse and then act worse. Eventually he seemed to get rebellious and have a I can do whatever I want and I see nothing wrong with it attitude, which was upsetting because while I overreacted it was still a reaction to something that really bothered me or something that wasn't the best thing for him to do or go about it, or even if there wasn't a reason he could be understanding of why I might be feeling insecure after everything. And while sometimes it was just me when I didn't need to worry, sometimes it was him too and my worry stemmed from some of the things he did or was doing, and while he always told me he understood, he still just saw it as a whole as me getting upset and would go back to being unsure like he carried it in the background and a few wrong moves and he hopped on the unsure bandwagon.

 

He also said he felt desensitized to everything and that he felt pressured to live together because my family situation wasn't the greatest and he took it as me needing a place to stay instead of me wanting to live with him when we had originally decided that if it came to it that it made more sense to move up with him then for me to move around here. And our last visit we actually decided that when his brother moved out that I would move in, and he was the one to always say when are you going to move up here already? At first I was actually the one who wasn't ready.

 

So one night after a miscommunication he just said that our chance was missed and he tried and it didn't work and he broke up with me. He had just promised me that he wouldn't do that and that we'd see each other next month and he said I was his end goal, and just a few hours before we were all lovey. He just said things change. I was blindsided and devastated. And then he decided that it was more of a break than a breakup and he just needed time to evaluate and see if he was still okay with things and that he had changed and felt differently about stuff. But then he said he wanted an extended break and wanted to be single and experience being alone and see how things were without me. It hurt and I didn't like feeling like I was on pins and needles like I just had to wait around. He was sorry for putting me through this again and in the past he said he always hated feeling unsure and didn't want to feel that way.

 

I left him alone for the first some days and he would messsge me and ask how I was, and he said how he realized he needed space but that he didn't want to not hear from me at all. But I said how I can't be his buddy while he decides if he wants to be with me or not. But some days I slipped because I love him and miss him and talking was so natural, and I wanted to help him feel better and talk about our issues and resolve them. He told me that he'd talk to me when he thought about it more and that he'd talk to me before making a decision. He said it could still be a official breakup and that he didn't want to give me false hope or string me along. He also said that he thought we could be friends if we did breakup, which I told him I couldn't handle that because it's not the relationship I wanted.

 

I sent him a thinking of you message one day and he did the same, and then we would do that back and forth and he would send one without me even sending one. And he said he was hopeful things could be worked out, and that he just needed time, and that he still loved me through everything. And he talked to me about one issue about needing time to himself which is fine and it felt better like we were working through stuff. He told me he'd talk about the rest once he thought about it more.

 

Then I hopped on Facebook for the first time since it happened and in my feed I saw he replaced the picture of us with one of himself, and that one female friend had liked it and he had liked her picture and it was weird because they'd never done that before. And his status said single. I was hurt and asked why he changed his status so quick and why it still said single if we were just on break, and if something was going on between him and his friend. He said he changed his status out of frustration the night he broke up and that there wasn't anything going on between them and that he just liked the picture because it was silly. He took off his status completely and said once everything is settled and if we get back together he'd put it back up, but he got weird about it at first and was so negative about the status in general and was saying it was like putting it in people's faces and advertising and he didn't need it to make his relationship official. I just thought it was something nice to show who you love.

 

And we got into a mini argument about liking the picture because I felt like there needed to be some boundaries with her after everything with her and it made me uncomfortable and he was just like no, I can like something if I think it's funny or silly. And I tried to step back and be like okay, I hear your side and I wasn't saying in general you couldn't like what you like of course, I was just saying hey this kinda makes me uncomfortable with her because it's hard to see it as not meaning anything after knowing he sort of had feelings for her. He said he understood how it could seem but that it was in the past (little over two weeks ago) and to stop seeing her as a threat. He said he saw more of a future with me, even through everything, and I had more to offer. So I felt better but shaken and there was just so much he suddenly wanted me to be okay with and he understood it was an adjustment but he always took it personally and that hurt.

 

Then a couple days ago after trying and trying to keep busy and be social myself and having a failed attempt, he tells me he's going out with friends and he was going to be seeing friends the next day too and he had been doing a school activity every week and sees them at school all week and I just lost it and got depressed and said how I really wanted to sit down and talk about everything with him and work through stuff and I hated this and missed him and it was really hard on me. He said how it was hard on him too and he wasn't going out to spite me or make it hard on us and that he thinks of me every day and that he would talk to me.

 

And then he stayed out later than he usually does and I hadn't heard from him and I was worried naturally so I asked if he was okay, and he just said he was on his way home and going straight to bed and wouldn't be able to talk much tomorrow. I felt a bit hurt and said how I felt blown off and it seemed a bit fishy, and of course he was like why, and I said how because it's like he's shutting off communication and without saying why and is being cold and I don't like being treated like a stranger. And he said he just had things to do tomorrow and was tired after drinking and how he didn't mean to hurt me and was just being cold to see how it feels with distance. And I was like well of course being cold would hurt, and there's a difference between being on break and being mean and etc. And he was just like, I'm breaking up with you for real. And I asked what sprung that on and what happened to talking to me first and all the hope he had and etc? And he said he talked about it with his mom and with his friends and got it all out and came to a decision. And I was like how come you told me you'd talk to me and you went and discussed it all with them instead? I had been waiting to talk to him and wanted to, and he kept telling me we'd talk, and he told me he would talk to me before making a decision. And why is he talking to others and making a decision about us without me?

 

He just said how he had changed and his views and what he wanted was different and things he thought he wanted and was okay with changed and it wasn't me it was him. And I asked him to help me understand what was different, and he said he couldn't explain or something. And I asked what was different when just a couple weeks ago it was the same. And he said certain things about how he felt about things was different, but they were things I felt the same about and had told him previously I felt! And he said about feeling pressured for me to move in and I said how I told him we didn't need to and I didn't need him to rescue me, and I only suggested it because we planned to already and he was the one to first suggest it and always mentioned it. And then he said the drama with my family he didn't want to pop up with us or have similar things happen and he didn't want his worries now to be amplified in the future. I can't help if I've had a hard life, but whenever I was with him I was carefree and happy and we always talked about having our own healthy family, so I don't see how it interfered or would. And he said he was not okay with my jealousy, and I understand I overreacted at times and needed lots of reassurance and struggled with stuff, but I was improving and started counseling and made changes. And it wasn't always that I was just jealous, it was that sometimes he'd do things that weren't the best thing or way to go about it and he didn't always communicate well and he would overlook things because he just thought that if I trust him that nothing should matter when even so he still needs some healthy boundaries or respect for what makes me uncomfortable.

 

I had told him what my struggles were at the beginning of the relationship so it wasn't like he didn't know how I felt or what I could or couldn't handle, and he really went about it wrong at first and not with love and expected me to be okay with so much all of a sudden and took it personally when I wasn't. And then he never came to me with what he was feeling and he would tell me after being unsure like when it was too late.

 

I know I contributed and I shouldn't have overreacted so much, but I drive myself crazy thinking would we still be together if I hadn't gotten so upset when stuff happened, and is it all my fault. But I wasn't that way before and only became that way after stuff happened, and he contributed too and he still changed regardless and still did the things he did and there were plenty of times where I didn't get upset over things. And he shouldn't want to only be with me if I don't step out of line. He had his own issues he'd do continuously so it felt unfair that he'd want to leave me for mine when I wanted to change for the better and made efforts and always wanted to work through things.

 

I just feel so hurt and so betrayed and abandoned and strung along and I don't understand how he could be so cold and it hurts that he doesn't want to be with me when we were so close and in love. Like how could he plan to spend the rest of his life with me and then just drop me? I feel like we invested so much into the relationship and I gave so much of myself and all I ever did was love him and try to make things better. He knew his reasoning was illogical but he still did it anyway. And it hurts thinking he's trying to rationalize it all with things that he had wrong and that were workable or not warranted.

 

I realize from his side that it was hard on him me always getting upset about things that he didn't mean badly, and how I could come off hostile or demanding or not want him to do stuff that really wasn't so bad, that he just wanted me to never worry, and I feel really bad and I had always tried to explain to him where I was coming from and that I really didn't mean it as an attack on him. But I am only human and I can't ever not have a worry and especially with the distance and his one friend and the way he went about things. He didn't help the situation and he didn't do anything to resolve it past reassurance and just saying don't worry, and my worries and insecurity stemmed from him first doing things and changing and being unsure about me, so what he first did was kind of the catalyst for how I reacted to everything after. I was always just trying to get back the security and trust that I lost.

 

The night of the first breakup we had just been talking about not giving up and learning to have a realistic love and about not giving into fear and doubts and what if's and not walking away from hardships and he recognized what he needed to work on too and during the break he actually admitted that he does have an issue and he gets cold feet. So it was just kind of a mindf*** going from talking about commitment and lasting love and wanting to learn to be better and make our own happiness and then this.

 

I don't know how to get over this and I can't just stop loving him. I only remember how close we were and the love I felt and the way he was before. We were really serious and I never expected it to end, even through hardship, even through the break. With every fiber of my being I felt like we were meant to be. I wanted to work through our issues and get better. We had already improved and he saw how we had, but I guess it wasn't enough or he couldn't handle the commitment. I thought he loved me and that our love and what we had was more than any issue and that it would survive changes.

[Man with Dog]

Had he not gone to university and entered a more "normal" or more usual young person's environment, it is quite possible, maybe likely, that you would have lived together, married and lived happily ever after. Unfortunately for you, he did go to university and lived the life which is more normal for a young adult and against the sort of life you want to lead. Worse still, for you, he liked the environment at university and was no longer the "boy" he was. Although it is possible that he may have cheated, there is nothing in your post that suggests that he did. People in LDRs often form close friendships with people of the opposite sex, especially if they are also in a LDR. That way, they can give each other support and encouragement. Not everyone handles distance well. For example, I would never have got into a distance relationship in the first place, it's just not me.

 

But he did change and what he said is right. Sometimes people change and their partners can change with them or stay with them but reluctant to embrace the new person. It is not nice for you but it happens. At least you had not moved in, married or had children. You are still young and have plenty of time to meet a life partner but, for now, just concentrate on the healing process.

 

Take care and good luck.

[Mending Heart]

Thank you, yeah. It was so difficult because past the friend adjustment which I was working on, I accepted the changes and reassured him I'd always want to grow and change with him, and that I'd be by his side and support him. And the reasons he used for why we were now different weren't actually true, and I had told him previously I felt the same, but for some reason he suddenly didn't believe it. And he acknowledged it was a bit messed up but still proceeded, and normally the things he was always unsure about were very workable things and he admitted he realized that they weren't as bad as he thought. I just don't know.

[mhowe]

Many young relationships (teens/early 20's) don't survive the move from hometown to university ----- whether only one or both go off.

 

Because it is a time of great transition, being away from home, new experiences. So the best of pledges and promises fade under the light of a "new" awareness of the new surroundings and life experiences.

 

It wasn't that your relationship was false, or that he didn't mean what he said when he said it.

 

It is difficult to accept, but accept you must. And you will find love again after you have healed.

[Dcgent]

People change, especially when their environment change and they take on new challenges in life. It is called growing. While the relationship may have worked earlier on...it wasn't meant to last. He grew up and you find yourself clinging to the familiar. I am sorry you are going through these struggles, but simply put, you are both young and will face great challenges in the years to come that are going to shape you into adults. Love is plentiful. Identify who you want to be in the future. Don't worry about him or other potential mates, figure out what YOU want to be in the future.

[Mending Heart]

Thanks everyone. I'm actually in my mid-twenties and he in his early twenties, and this was his second time in college for his bachelor's, so I guess I didn't expect him to react so differently this time. Long distance and a younger partner weren't the best mix.

[Man with Dog]

Many young relationships (teens/early 20's) don't survive the move from hometown to university ----- whether only one or both go off.

 

Because it is a time of great transition, being away from home, new experiences. So the best of pledges and promises fade under the light of a "new" awareness of the new surroundings and life experiences.

 

It wasn't that your relationship was false, or that he didn't mean what he said when he said it.

 

It is difficult to accept, but accept you must. And you will find love again after you have healed.

 

It seems to work better when they both go to uni (in different places) than if one goes and the other stays at home. Neither my wife nor I have been "distance people" but our daughter has managed to negotiate it. However, she has not made any plans for the future: no engagement or plans to move in. She won't even consider committing until they have finished their studies.

 

I guess we're not all the same.