He broke up with me..how can I help him to forgive me...please help

[ketiket]

Hello everyone,

 

I would appreciate your advice on this because I don't know how to make or not make a plan and what to do now.

 

My boyfriend (25) has broken up with me (28 ) few days ago, but basically I have initiate it and said it first in personal despair and anxiety but he is not willing to forgive me the harsh words (atm we are 1000 km apart & this was all going on on viber&skype).

 

We have both been playing "we are done" game all the time but just for hours or minutes… to get each others attention or to show that we were hurt (stupid.. I know). We have shared extremely deep and loving connection but there was lot of childhood emotional baggage so the road was rocky after his depression hit. We were together for 2 years and have lived together until February, when I moved back home (1000km away) to have some space coz of his stressful depression and his family constantly hatefully involving in our relationship. He had an internship there but we have been visiting each other regularly (for 2-3 weeks with a month of breaks in between). I have helped him a lot to deal with his depression which re-appeared after year of our relationship and I have been pushing him to therapy. He's been dealing with his depression much better now but my baggage had resurfaced. We were planing to move back together to his country but he got very hurt by my behavior over Skype in the last 2 weeks.

 

I was very non tolerant, pushy, stressing while he had been finishing his master thesis and I have been in some kind of anxiety state started to push him away because I so terribly missed him, couldn't bare the distance and because he didn't have time to talk to me I have been blaming him for that (unconsciously) and initiating the break up saying horrible stuff to hurt him (ex..it started that I don't feel good and I don't know what's going on with me..,I don't love you, you don't understand me, you are suffocating me, I will never love you, you can't make me happy, in this 2 years I have not been dealing with my problems just yours , I feel like I am your mother doing everything etc..). This things are not so true as I have dramatized them.. I feel so responsible to loose him and I am torturing myself not to realize how I felt and find a help.

 

He said we are over and I actually it was a shock and I couldn't believe it…I thought he will cool off, but when I have realized that he really means it and I have re-viewed what I have been saying to him, I apologized sincerely for horrible words and explain where this pain and pushing away came from and that I love him and didn't want to break up because of my emotional baggage of abusive father.

 

He said something in him broke and his feelings vanished and that he's just flying over to come to pick up his car and to tell me its over. Now his family is finally showing him some support and they are extremely happy with his decision and he looks very ego builded on Skype. They are the cause of his depression and they always made him suffer. His mum and his brother are a manipulative egoistic machines and they always are forcing him into spending time with them even if he didn't want it, have been stressing him on a daily basis for nothing. He is very sensitive and compassionate otherwise but I had to drag him out of the "I want to kill myself " situations numerous times and I have been hurt many times by his depression and now I actually don't understand his decision because despite our rocky road, I have been forgiving him constantly for being crazy&mean during the depression time and I have been lifting him up lots of times.. I understood this he didn't want to be like that and that he wants to change it, and I feel like I didn't have that chance.

 

I really want to try the 30 day no contact that everybody is mentioning on the get your ex back sites, because I really wish to get back with him and grow old with him. I am prepared to be patient and change to be a better person and handle this fears I have.

 

I am wondering how to deal with this handling the keys of the car on Saturday. We were supposed to have a talk in person this, and I had a lot of hope because of finally seeing my problems I thought I would be able to explain the whole situation to him, because he doesn't clearly see in what kind of anxiety/psychological state I was. I also think that because we haven't seen for 3 weeks he would feel differently when he sees me in person. But just yesterday he got very unkind and not sympathetic, he said he will stay in hotel for 2 days and just 2 days ago I have told him that I will take this part time job in his city that we were planing and now he refuses to share a ride with me&dog&cat to his country, to show me that THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US (sorry, capitals to emphasize his tone of voice). Now even his twin brother (which was is manipulating him always) is getting in the story to help him get his car back and he will fly over to Venice. His family was constantly trying to break us up by talking dirty about me. They all have a bit of manipulation and egoistic personalities.

 

Now I am confused if I should take this job and try to solve things out with him slowly because I really want to be back together with him eventually. But he made me feel like I would be a lunatic stalker if I move in the same city as he is now, but I just wanted to take things easy. Am I hoping for too much?

 

I do love him sincerely. Now I am even more hurt and a bit angry but I haven't been txting him like crazy or something…it was just one or 2 days of calls and txts to really understand that he is serious in his decision because I have been trying to see if he is just so hurt and he could forgive me by explanation.

 

I really wish for this 30 days no contact perido, do you think it should happen after the conversation in person, or can I avoid this talk because I don't want to be more hurt since he has made his mind clear that THERE IS NO HOPE, has locked his heart and first time in his life looks like he took a decision and he will respect himself and follow it no matter what.

 

I am afraid of letting him in the apartment because I feel vulnerable and that I would be more hurt, even if I wish him to come because he could soften up because constantly saying this was his home, and we got a cat when we were together and he loves my dog. Just 1 week ago he was saying he would be moving mountains for me and he has always been expressing and showing tons of deep and committed love, he always said everything he does is for me and we wanted to have a family together.

 

He'll fly over on Saturday morning and then head back in 2 days. Please help. I am devastated, I can't eat and I torturing myself every minute for what have I done.

 

How can I help him to forgive me and give us a chance for this strong love we've shared?

 

I appreciate it

 

Thank you!!

[mhowe]

You cannot fix this --- too many harsh words and accusations.

 

I would not take the job near him. You need to take time to heal.

 

Whether it is him or a relative that comes --- you give them the keys to the car.

You can pack his belongings and either hand them to him or ship them to him.

[ketiket]

Thank you so much for a reply.

 

;( We will meet alone and he wants to meet up and say it in person.. He said that he is afraid that I will try to get him back with my love and that is a reason why he doesn't want to share a ride. ok I accept that. But my point is I have been in some kind of delirium when saying this things and I have been telling him for a week before that I do not feel good and I don't know what is going on with me. But I was expecting him to forgive me now because he had a 3 week period like that in February and many times he has blaming me that I am a reason for him depression, his misery, that he hates me etc... He has been much horrible with his depression expressions then me now but we truly felt this deep love that I cannot believe it's over... He was saying literally he is breathing for me. I am devastated to hurt him.

 

I do accept that he doesn't want to be with me now, I am just wondering if I explain him exactly what was going on and how I felt.. will there be any chance in future for us again, a different one. I have been so patient with his depression, jealousy and other issues and he has started to work on them...why I don't get that chance?

[mhowe]

You cannot explain away your hurtful words with a "I was in some kind of delerium" excuse.

 

And relationships don't work like "I was there for you and now you have to do this for me".

 

From both sides, there has been too much drama and hurt. You need to let him have his things and you need to let go.

[journeynow]

Take a favorite cup of yours, smash it with a hammer. You can't unbreak it by wishing it otherwise or expecting forgiveness or having once loved it. It's broken. This relationship is broken, too. Broken over and over just makes it more broken, whether you call it a game or delirium. Let it go, and start healing, stay out of relationships until you are fully healed so that you don't bring the same patterns into your next relationship. Take care, and move forward, one step at a time.

[ketiket]

Thanks to everyone for replying. I really do appreciate it, since I feel so alone now. I do feel enormous guilt and I am literally torturing myself. My mum has brought some pills for anxiety and panic so I am at least able to sleep. I have never taken any pills and it's hard for me to even take them. I am fully aware of guilt and the only thing holding me up right now is a hope that he could forgive me once and after time and space there might be a chance for both of us to get better and heal. I will definitely go to see a therapist and I do need to work on these problems, but I believe that distance has triggered them. And I am aware I was hurt by him many times as well. But that damn hope, I can't get rid of it and realize the situation...I guess it takes a time...

[ketiket]

and about taking a job... atm in my country there is a huge crisis and most of young people are unemployed, I have been searching for a job for over a year..so moving there would be to improve French and to be finally able to work again. Not just to be in the same city as he and hoping, but to actually keep myself busy and progress in my career.

[journeynow]

Yes, it takes time, and healing work, step by step. Hope is a tricky thing, doesn't help. Let go of hope and have faith in yourself that YOU will get to a better place. This is about you, not to pile on guilt, but the kick you need to grow and learn and become a better person. Look forward to being that healed future self, imagine how great you will feel and the wonderful thing you will want to do. It's your life, and 3 cheers for that. It will get better, and that's a good thing.

[abitbroken]

You cannot play the "we're done" game again and again and then be shocked when one person bows out for good. I would get sick of that. I would disconnect a little each time. My first bf was shocked when I broke up with him after months of him saying I am "too good for him" and I should "just leave him" because he's pathetic. What did he expect??

[ketiket]

We were talking a lot about the "we're done" game and we were both aware that we need to stop and change that, but there was a moment of weakness and I blew everything. I am aware that there could be the other way around as well. He was always saying "you don't love me" and he had this fear that I would cheat on him. I have never even thought of that, but his father and brother are like that and he has been bringing that in a relationship. Oh did I mention even more painful contribution to torturing that what I have written when I finally pushed him away were not my words...horrible..I was visiting my friend, telling my side of the story (like he is not giving me enough attention) and then have had a whiskey and just crashed him influenced by her critical words. I don't know how I will ever be able to forgive myself what have I done to me, him and us...

[Ms Darcy]

This wasn't a moment of weakness; this is an unhealthy long-term pattern indicating incompatibility. It sounds like it's better that you are apart.

[ketiket]

thank you for your insight.

 

I know myself enough that I know I am weak in some situations, like distance and no contact. We all have weaknesses. And that is not an excuse. What have I done was a horrible mistake, but being aware of my problems and being willing to change them for myself and others doesn't indicate incompatibility but growing. Especially in relationship if you decide to be on this road together, and we had. For me it was a misunderstanding and his reaction to misunderstanding, because if there wouldn't be any distance he would see how I feel a week earlier and we would gone trough this hard time together if it would even appear! I am aware he will not forgive me in the next days and I have no intention forcing anyone, but hey who in this world can say that is not advisable to follow your instincts and heart.

 

I am thankful for all the comments, and I appreciate your effort, but I can't agree with your metaphors, they are passé and some sayings need to be rethought. I see that a broken glass is just a broken glas and nothing more. I didn't broke a glass, I made a mistake. And a glass can't forgive or get hurt but people, yes we people, we have that capability. I am thankful to see things clearly and being able to decide to take time and space for myself, after all the comments but at the same time I see I don't have to throw away my wishes and hope, because I am a human and my heart is true. Forgiving and overcoming differences and fears brings us closer and makes us grow. I know I am a good person and I know I am extremely compassionate but I didn't had a choice of my childhood experiences and neither did he. I do feel I can wish for him to forgive me and if that happens I will know that our love was strong and that was always very important to us. I did help him on his road, his mistakes, my mistakes and forgiving is humane. No-one is perfect and why do we even have a feeling of forgiveness if we can't use it?

 

Thanks to everyone for everything!

[mhowe]

When your instincts and heart are in opposition to reality it is futile to follow them. If it hadn't been for the distance" is meaningless because it was a long distance relationship....thus distance is part of the reality!

 

He does not have to forget nor forgive your words.

[ketiket]

We weren't in a long distance relationship, this was something temporary. I see it is hard for me to accept his decision but I had accept it. He doesn't have to forgive, I understand that but am I still allowed to wish that? Reality is always full of hope and dreams and it does not need to be raw and harsh. At least my world looks like that...

 

Maybe I am a dreamer and maybe I have forgiven to many times but I see people make mistakes and they regret them, so that's why I have been forgiving and compassionate to him, when he had insecurity problems like that. He has appreciated that and loved me more for accepting him with all his mistakes and given him space to grow. We are always changing, we are never perfect, so why this high demands or standards of perfection. So you can have a relationship only when you are 100% you will not make a mistake? But the world is still turning...and there is no perfection...

[mhowe]

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

[mhowe]

Your OP asks how to help him forgive you. You can't. It is up to him and he shows little inclination to do so. He doesn't "owe" you forgiveness.

[ketiket]

I had to google that, since English is not my first language

 

I see I might be not enough experienced or just too determined now to see this situation differently..I guess everything changes in time...

[ketiket]

I understand, that he doesn't owe to forgive me, I was writing that first post when I was very emotional, I have been reading and trying to be as calm as possible now. I understand that the choice will be his now.

[mhowe]

You are seeing this from your perspective...which is natural. But the situation from his perspective is very different and the real situation is somewhere in between.

[Ms Darcy]

I think your defensiveness is normal for dumpees. Like it or not unhealthy behavior on both sides can kill a connection. All you can do now is to accept his decision and work on your own self improvement.

[abitbroken]

You need to find a relationship where you and the guy BOTH really want to be together. People who really want to be together and are in a healthy relationship never tell the other person they are "done" like that. You guys were not compatible enough for your relationship to survive the difference.

[ketiket]

Yes I am accepting his decision now and I will work on myself.

 

I also have a problem with this decision of moving to his city now or not, its 1000 km away from my family and friends, but I could move in with a friend who is wiling to give me the emotional support. Atm in my country there is a huge unemployment rate, and I have been trying to find a job here for more then a year. It's just nothing at the moment. And I know myself that I will just torture myself at home, when I will have nothing to do. And in France I could continue to improve my poor French and keep myself busy with this part-time job working with kids. I am thinking of flying over and if it is emotionally to hard for me, I am thinking I could still go back. But at this point I know making some money and keeping myself busy would help a lot. I am just so afraid that I will not have as big emotional support as here. And of course a part of me wants to go there to see if the damage can be undone but I have no plan to stalk him or force him into that. I just feel like if we are 1000 km apart, he will definitely not think about forgiveness because I am so far and it would eb too much of an effort to fix anything. Am I a fool to follow my instincts, feelings and intuition? Am I a fool ;( ?

[ketiket]

I didn't see you reply a bitbroken, but thanks for your comment.

 

We both wanted to be together, and we were aware of emotional baggage and we wanted to work on it, just mine has started to develop more in this last months. And because of some distance it was hard to see it clearly. We wanted both to have a happy and healthy relationship and we were changing our bad patterns for our love. I do know him very well and he shuts down and becomes apathique after being hurt (by others or by himself) and when he said it's the end, he was txing me, and crying and asking how am I doing and "please reply", I do think he cares a lot, just that he is to afraid to be hurt again. Saying again do not plan to force him to be with me, but for that love which was eternal to us, is that not worth waiting around and seeing if he could go past his walls, towards understanding and forgiving? You all see..I am desperately trying to catch any hope even if it need time. I am not ready and I do not want to have any relationship now, I need to work on myself. So during that time maybe he could forgive me?

[abitbroken]

I just feel like if we are 1000 km apart, he will definitely not think about forgiveness because I am so far and it would eb too much of an effort to fix anything. Am I a fool to follow my instincts, feelings and intuition? Am I a fool ;( ?

 

You do not understand forgiveness. Someone can forgive and let go and not speak to the person again. Forgiveness does not mean that you get back together or ask the person for forgiveness. Is there any training or classes that you can take to get a job in your country, or would you be willing to do a job you normally wouldn't find pleasant in order to just find work? Even if that meant cleaning at a farm or mopping floors? I would not move to France for ONLY a part time job where you don't really speak the language and you will not have enough money to support yourself on. It is not fair for your friend to financially support you.