Need input: Should I move cross-country for her?

[scheme]

My girlfriend and I were together for 3 years. Our relationship seemed pretty healthy, although I had noticed the last year, she had become more selfish in term of making decisions that were just only in her best interest. At the beginning of our relationship, she had some baggage and was more of a "giver" and I noticed that now she is more of a "taker." Anyway, not that it matters to me for my own reasons, it's just a pattern and change I had noticed. During those 3 years, we became best friends, great lovers and everything felt perfect. For once, I pondered "maybe this is the one!"

 

Fast forward: Two months ago, she came home from work and said she applied for a job back "home" accross-country where her family was and where she grew up. I have known over the past 2 years that she missed home and missed her family and that she had rekindled a relationship with her father who was an alcoholic while she was growing up. I told her if she got the job, we should discuss our options. The following day, she came home and basically said she had just quit her job and was moving home in 30 days. I told her that I did not want to be in a long distance relationship, but I support any decision she makes.

 

She moved two weeks ago and over the past two weeks in our conversations, she has stated she "wants" me to move there, only after I said that I would move there to be with her. I was going to fly out next month to look at some areas I might want to live around. Over the past few days, her contact has been less than normal, and I have noticed on Facebook that an old flame who she was hurt over a long time ago has recently (past 60 days) to like and comment on all of her hometown posts. I don't know what to do. Part of me says "I love her, give it a go", and the other part of me says "cut her loose." Can anyone give me some good insight on my situation? It would be greatly appreciated.

[SooSad33]

Awww, that's sad

I sure hope she doesn't turn that corner. WHY is this guy even able to contact her etc?

None of my Ex's are on my FB.

 

I suggest you have a heart to heart with her. Say you are not going to drop all & move there IF she is feeling ANY doubts about you two now.

See how things are over the next month BEFORE you actually go out there to look around.

IF she is still showing signs of 'confusion' be sure to bring up what's mentioned..

[lavenderdove]

OK, she isn't making decisions with you like you're not a true couple. She basically came home one day and announced she was moving. So you had no real input into that decision other than either agreeing to toddle along after her or not. So it was clear that she had other things she considered more important in her agenda and priorities than you.

 

I suggest you not do anything rash at this point. Plan to visit her, and not only check out the area, but also have a look at her relationship with her family and father to make sure it is something you want to get enmeshed in. Sometimes children of alcoholics can be rather confused about boundaries, and she may feel the need to 'take care of' her drunken father or get really enmeshed in his life in order to try to reclaim the parental attention she didn't get as a child because he was drunk at the time. So it could be a really toxic situation you are walking into where her attention gets more focused on her family due to her daddy issues and being the child of an alcoholic than it does on you and creating a healthy and normal family with you.

 

So do more investigation to find out what is going on. And also make sure the job market there is healthy enough to get you a job that you will like and one that is good for your career. If it doesn't all line up exactly the way you are comfortable with, don't do it.

[catfeeder]

What kind of job, friends and family life would you be ditching for such a move?

 

I wouldn't change my whole life for someone who could take me or leave me.

[Stay_home]

I wouldn't move.

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps what you are viewing as her becoming more of a taker is her now prioritizing her own needs over the needs of others?

 

Why hasn't marriage been discussed? I think after so long you should be able to discuss if you see a future together. The lack of this conversation may explain why she didn't include you more in the decision making process.

 

I would not move for someone unless we were engaged.

[scheme]

I think that during my trip there, I will not only be assessing if I want to me enmeshed with her family relationship, but if it's something I want to carry on with someone who is such a drastically different person than when we met.

[scheme]

What kind of job, friends and family life would you be ditching for such a move?

 

I wouldn't change my whole life for someone who could take me or leave me.

 

I'm self employed in a trade, so I could realistically create new clients in my work of expertise. My family is scattered about the country, so I feel like I would like to be somewhere new anyway. But I definitely dont want to drop everything to be with someone who isn't so wish-washy.

[scheme]

Perhaps what you are viewing as her becoming more of a taker is her now prioritizing her own needs over the needs of others?

 

Why hasn't marriage been discussed? I think after so long you should be able to discuss if you see a future together. The lack of this conversation may explain why she didn't include you more in the decision making process.

 

I would not move for someone unless we were engaged.

 

I am sure that your first statement is entirely true. However, I am not the type of person who needs someone to cater to me. However, there are certain expectations of a relationship that I think people should to be mutually respectful of while sharing part of your life with someone. My issue is that she swung SO far to the other side and is only looking out for her short term best interest. I would have not invested over 3 years of my life to someone who would just ditch me out of the blue. Is that someone that I want to be with? This is my main confusion at this point. We were on the same page for marriage, we were both not immediately looking to get married. (Although it was not off the table for me, for the first time I though that she may be a good fit for marriage.)

[scheme]

Here's an update:

 

I just got done with a webcam talk with her. I told her that traveling back there for a week next month to look at possible areas was a big deal with me because I wanted to be sure that's what she wanted just as much as I did. She then said I look too deep into things and that me visiting for a week wasn't such a big deal and that I need to take things slow. At this point, I feel more confused. I will not let this eat me up inside, but I think the plan of action I'm going to take is to go visit for a few days to take it all in (and to see my dog she left with!) However, I feel like when I return, it will probably be best to just move on. That's what my gut is telling me

[lavenderdove]

Take things slow after 3 years together? If you get any slower, you'll be crawling.

 

She doesn't want to get serious with you. She's willing to let you move there as a backup plan for herself, but she isn't really thinking 'relationship' at this point though she'd like to keep you as an 'option'.

 

There is absolutely no way you should uproot your life and move cross country if 'go slow' is the best she can offer you after 3 years together.

 

And if you actually own that dog she took (i.e., yours originally, not jointly owned), then get it and take it back home with you. It will be a better friend to you than she has been.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry but you do sound like a backup plan for her. Taking it slow after three years is ridiculous. I think your gut is right about moving on.

[scheme]

UPDATE: The last few days were very weird, not much contact on her end unless I initiated. After a long deep think, I decided to break it off for good. I called her and told her everything that I was feeling. She stated "I'm sorry, but I can't give you 100%." That was all I needed to hear, I told her that I invested over 3 years and I knew she had fallen out of love with me. She started crying and told me she had to go.

 

I thought maybe something urgent happened while we were talking but she later text and said she was really upset and had to go. I said ok and that's it. I'm done, and I feel much better than not knowing what was going to happen.

 

 

There will be no contact from me, but I will respond in a nice and professional manner to get her furniture cross country when she has the cash for the movers. Today I sent her mail and some jewelry she accidentally left, no notes or anything, just dropped it in the mail. I feel pretty good right now, why get depressed over someone who doesn't want to really be with me, right?!

[jacksonbrowne]

Dude... This sounds familiar to my ex. I would be cautious here. This is a critical stage in your relationship and she is withdrawing. She should want you to be there and reassure you, not tell you you're looking "too deep" into things. Watch yourself here.

[jacksonbrowne]

I'm sorry to hear this, but this sounds like the right\ move... Be sure to take some time to grieve and not try to "tough" your way through this. If you're in love with someone, you are going to be emotional and it will likely be a difficult and long road. Be gentle with yourself and take some time.

[catfeeder]

I feel pretty good right now, why get depressed over someone who doesn't want to really be with me, right?!

 

Glad you're feeling some relief--it's sort of like the feeling you get after leaving the dentist's office after a difficult procedure.

 

You'll have your grief, but it's likely that you've worked a lot of that out in order to come to your decision. You'll go through some lousy spells, but this isn't a set-back, it's just part of the process of healing. Three years is significant, and my heart goes out to you. You did the right thing.

 

Write more when it helps, and head high.

[Ms Darcy]

Congrats on your decision. I think you made the right choice. Definitely take good care of yourself and process your feelings as much as you need.