Standoff

[shankumz]

I'm looking for some opinions about my current situation in my relationship. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a little over a year. He's probably one of the better men I've dated. We're best friends, have similar likes and interests, and to top it off he's very great with my children. I feel like he is just what I needed after the 5 year hurricane disaster of my last relationship and father of my children. I was at peace finally and starting fresh. I've never trusted someone as much as I have him. Which is a lot coming from me. As much as this may sound like rainbows and sunshine of course it's not. We have a very serious problem. And that is communication. I have seriously never experienced such a road block with someone like this. We can talk about anything for hours with ease but when a conflict arises it's a war that no one wins. He gets mad that I'm mad. He doesn't think the things I get upset about are worth the time. Which may be true at times but I try very hardly to explain why something made me upset and how it makes me feel. He does not care. If he thinks I'm wrong I'm wrong. He is that guy that does nothing wrong. Until we're both so mentally exhausted we just apologize and move on. This bothers me greatly. Nothing ever gets solved. I have a strong need for self expression and he will give me dead eyes as I spill my thoughts and feelings. He's a logical thinker. And uses his own reasoning for everything. I don't believe someone can tell me how I should react to something. Regardless. I'm blabbing alot. I feel we are soooo different in this area. I feel while he thinks and we clash so hard that I feel defeated and hopeless. It's a shame because other than that we are good. We both have talked about it and agree that we are too different sometimes. I just recently and calmly (wasn't trying to start trouble) asked if he thought we should break up. I would rather mutually than something dramatic. And he said I don't know...

 

I want to know I want to be with someone and fight till the death for it to work. I want the passion. And it seems like we're both sitting there twiddling our thumbs in indecisiveness. I do love him but I'm tired of ignoring things and would rather move on with my life if that's the road we are gonna take anyways. Another problem is our sex life. Moreso the lack of at times. I'm not as worried about that as I am communication.

 

I guess what I'm asking is are we just really too different? IDk what to do really... I'm restless and want answers. I've been waiting and waiting and I don't know how to clear this up.

[ThatwasThen]

Dating is to discover if who it is you've become smitten with is going to make a good life partner. You figure this out by spending time together and then figuring out if who you are with, you are going to be able to tolerate for the rest OF YOUR LIFE. You've discovered that you cannot. You've also discovered that after numerous attempts at communicating to him that he needs to change... he hasn't.

 

That being said, now you have to accept that you have found out who he is and that you can't change him. Can you tolerate him, as he his for a lifetime? Don't lie to yourself. The divorce rate in the free world is as high as it is due to people lying to themselves.

[ParisPaulette]

If what you're describing is affecting your quality of life--i.e. you are stressed and unhappy all the time--then yes you are too different. Remember, everything is always great in the beginning of a relationship. And bluntly speaking, it's not the good times that are the true test or indication of whether a relationship is going to work, but rather the conflicts and the hard times. Also unless you're cool with very little sex that's another major issue. And both the things you describe will get worse over time, already have gotten worse over time.

 

As good as he is in some aspects if you can't just relax and enjoy him and enjoy life together and solve differences then why would you continue? Relationships are not supposed to be a source of upset and drama and I think too many people either don't know or forget that. Unless you can get him to agree to couples counseling and you both can sort through your differences I don't know how you'll handle this. It takes two to want to do so and if he's totally fine with things and has no incentive to change then it won't change, only get worse.