Started dating and having sex with my ex again, but she is still involved

[RelationDilemmas]

Hi,

 

So I started dating my old girlfriend again which first lasted about a year and half. The original relationship was predominately on the physical side and we both agreed that we did not let each other in the first time around. Nothing went wrong in the the original relationship and faded out for a 4 month period. After dating other women I realized how much I appreciated what we had.

 

We met up to chat and both agreed that we should give each other another chance. The issue is that she is now seeing someone and doesn't know how to break it off. The person that she is with has done nothing wrong and she doesn't know how to let him down. Shortly after our re-initiation conversation, we began having dating and eventually having sex regularly again. We have talked the other guy and she has just said she is unsure what she would like to do. From my perspective, based on the time we have been spending together and positive experiences it feels like she is learning toward me. However, although she says its not fair to either one of us, she is still going on with the other relationship.

 

From my perspective its pretty hard to not feel like I am constantly competing with this other person and also question future trust in our relationship (what is to say that she wont do this again with another person if/when we're exclusive) In addition he has no clue I am in the picture.

 

I guess i'm curious how to play the situation. I do really like the girl and genuinely feel that she has feelings for me, but I initiated everything at a bad time.

[journeynow]

As she says, it is not fair to either of you, but she must be ok with treating you unfairly, since she is continuing. But then, she has two guys, which is like having her cake and eating it, too. Let her go, she's unavailable.

[Iggles]

From my perspective its pretty hard to not feel like I am constantly competing with this other person and also question future trust in our relationship (what is to say that she wont do this again with another person if/when we're exclusive) In addition he has no clue I am in the picture

 

So you're starting things up again with a girl you only connected with physically (in the bedroom, going on date activities) and wondering why you haven't gotten back to full boyfriend status yet? You see a future and she seems keen to try again but maybe she isn't sure yet if you'll click on other levels.

 

I guess i'm curious how to play the situation. I do really like the girl and genuinely feel that she has feelings for me, but I initiated everything at a bad time.

 

Inconvenient time or not -- when you want to be with someone you end other commitments. That's not what's happening here.. She is dragging you along either because she's too weak to break up with the other guy (thus has POOR boundaries and next to zero assertiveness) or she likes dating both of you for different reasons and prefers to keep it going (thus she is non-monogamous and deceitful to partners about this part of her nature).

 

Either way, it's not a good outlook for the future or supposedly having "genuine" feelings. Someone who cheats and lies doesn't respect her partner, so why would she respect you -- you're her side piece! (With you she gets good sex and fun times. He's the one she's having a full time relationship with.)

[catfeeder]

She's not being held hostage, she's making a decision. You get to make your own decision as to whether you have enough self respect to remove yourself from this situation until she frees herself of other ties.