I'm doing ALOT better, but still sad and in need of a bit of support

[IDer89]

So most of you will be familiar with my story by now and I think this will be my last thread on the matter (hopefully). Just to recap:

 

We were together almost three years. We lived in the UK for a year (where I'm from) and the US for two years (where she's from). I couldn't get a new visa so had to come back and five weeks in to long distance she decides to end things and completely cut me out. It's been technically 17 days NC, I say technically because I sent her some congratulatory flowers 10 days ago but she hasn't said a word to me in those 17 days.

 

I think I've come through the worst of it all, I don't feel like I've had a limb severed anymore and I'm not pining to win her back or find answers. I understand the initial reasoning she gave for breaking up but I don't agree with the way she acted following. I found out she made a few dating profiles like Tinder and such and may have even gone on a date or two, I wouldn't know. Theres also some fishy behaviour with her family, but it's not important anymore.

 

I've been doing better, I'm starting to get my life back on track by making plans and executing the most tangible ones. I've started taking driving lessons which is a big positive (I'm 24 and can't drive), I'm continuing the job search so I can get settled back in my own country, I'm starting to get fit and will be starting running again, I've already lost a bit of the puppy fat I put on in the relationship, I'm planning a trip to Tokyo which I've always wanted to do and most importantly the gigantic empty feeling that was in my stomach left by her is starting to fade.

 

The part that I'm struggling with right now is actually being mad at her and slightly angry - coming to terms with the person that I didn't think capable of harming me has in fact caused me a great deal of suffering. On the one hand I think to myself "she's been a bit of a b***h" but then I start to see the girl that was crying at the airport begging me not to leave. We were each others companions through a lot of the things that are going to shape our lives to come and the love struck puppy that I can be thought we'd be together forever.

 

Theres just a lot of ghosts that bring memories flooding back, I know its normal but it takes me a minute or two to pick myself up but I can't shake the feeling of "how did we end up like this?". There's just things that we've experienced together that I find it hard to fathom that someone would be able to distance themselves from - for example on two occasions both in the UK and US she had to be rushed in to hospital and I was the closest person to her at that time to go with her, it was a real test for us as I saw things no girlfriend would want their boyfriend to see but I love(d) her and stuck by her.

 

It's just hard y'know? I said I don't have questions anymore but I guess I do, I keep asking myself if things will suddenly hit her and she'll remember what we had and try to come back to me. Not necessarily to reconcile but to try build something. It pains me to think I may never see her again, let alone talk to her.......

[ChiBrunette]

Dating from two different countries is hard.

I can't quite compare, I have an ex fiance in Canada (hardly a distance, but the visa thing - still sucked).

 

For her to simply up and leave hints that she was already on her way out, she was just looking for an excuse. You needing to go back for 5 weeks gave her the out she was looking for. She didn't have to feel guilty about leaving you in a different country because you were back in your own country with the familiarity and comfort of your own culture.

 

As for her coming back, youre going to go through the denial phase where you aren't ready to accept that its over... and thats okay. But just remind yourself, someone that can leave that quick - is not someone you want to be with. The trust there (for me anyhow) would be gone. I don't know that I could look at someone like that and truly believe whole heartedly that they were going to stay.

 

You're young at just 24... and you've not even been a month without contact. Those are some pretty fresh wounds.

 

If my experience with Canada can help any - I will tell you that after about 6 months (seems like a long time, I know - but I assure you, it starts to go by fast) I didn't care anymore. I think of him time to time - like when my current boyfriend likes to tease me about needing to be an international dater lol but for the most part - I dont think of him. Theres no emotion there, and he's just a blip on the radar of my past. - Point being, give it time, grieve, feel the pain, embrace the pain, and know that in the end, she too will be a blip on your radar. (:

[IDer89]

Thanks for the input but I'm not really looking for reasonings for the break-up. I've hashed that topic out on this forum, with my family, with my friends, with a therapist over and over. I know my ex, and so do a lot of people I've spoken to and we don't believe she was looking for an excuse, she was still as loving and attentive as she always was right until I went through security at the airport. Truth be told we've had to deal with visa's far too long and I understand the strain it put on her and us, realistically our relationship just wasn't practical anymore.

 

I don't think its a matter of guilt either, truth be told my own country feels a lot more alien to me coming back after living in the US for the period of time I did. I do know it's over, like I said I'm not thinking she's coming back to reconcile. This is really frustrating to get accross on a forum because people just keep coming back with the same lines. I'm just more thinking a long the lines that my ex may one day realise that she wasn't so great to me and that we did have a lot of history, it might be in five years time but it could hit her.

 

Anyway, the main points I'm struggling with at the moment is coming to terms with not thinking so fondly on someone that I once considered my everything

[SpottiOtti]

Anyway, the main points I'm struggling with at the moment is coming to terms with not thinking so fondly on someone that I once considered my everything

 

I don't know that any of us on the forum could tell you what to do in order to deal with taking off your rose-colored relationship glasses. It's a normal part of a breakup. You just have to deal with it the way you've been dealing with it all - talking about it, writing about it, exploring your feelings about it, and owning those feelings.

[IDer89]

I'm not really sure what anyone can do either, I just need a place to talk when times get tough.

 

The mornings are still difficult. My sleep pattern is a lot better than it was, when this first happened I was waking up in a panic three or four times a night in sweats. When it finally came time to get up I'd end up savouring the last half hour and try blank out my mind like nothing had happened. But even though I'm not waking up multiple times when I do come to wake up I'm still in a panic and feel lost, I instantly reach my phone expecting there to be a text from her, saying this was all a mistake.

 

I thought my ex was an amazing girl who was also my best friend, was honest, kind, caring, loved me with all her heart and would do anything for me. I'm finding it so hard to accept that she really could do this after everything and then just leave me alone and act so cold hearted towards me and the memory of our relationship. That I love and cherish with all my heart someone who could toss me aside like a piece of garbage. I still can't believe it is true and I think I am slowly taking her off the pedestal.

 

I also find it hard to understand why she does not contact me. I know that she wanted this and its her doing, that she's moving on with her life but I picture the girl that used to cry when something wasn't going so right.