Fear, confusion, and doubt about where things are going

[fonoma]

This is long but you can skip the detailed section as it was me getting my thoughts out on the details.

 

I've been seeing this guy now (who's almost 27, I'm 24) for a little over 4 weeks and started having some anxieties pop up after the first week or so because, ironically, things were going so well. He was way into me and we spent a lot of time together. Ever since our first date, we'd go on 3-4 (what I'd consider) dates and spent most of our Saturdays together. Our first full Saturday together a week after our first date, we slept together. Sundays have tended to be days where he'd have to study for a test he's just finished or to his mom's house who he is close with (and I'd go be with my parents, who I'm also close with.) The reasons my insecurities began were because of his texting habits, as petty as it may be. In the first week of course there was the excitement and the wanting to get to know each other, so there would be a lot of back and forth, mostly a "How are you" "What're you up to?" etc to get conversations going– once in the morning once we settled into our routines, and once in the evening.

 

He still does that but much less, and my insecurities start to come through wondering "If he's as into me as I am into him, shouldn't he want to get in touch by now? Isn't he wondering what I'm doing or want to see if we can at least briefly see each other at lunch since we work accross the street from each other?" Well even through 3 weeks of those kinds of thoughts, when I was with him all of those feelings and memories went away and I'm pretty sure it didn't get accross to him. What I'd discovered was that he preferred talking to me and making plans when we saw each other, often at the gym, or making plans for another date while on a current one. So even with the much less texting, we still saw each other just as frequently and he initiated about 2/3 to 3/4 of the dates, expressed a lot of interest and affection to me in person, and insisted on doing many things for me like opening doors, paying, and guiding me with his hand on my back.

 

I know he's typically more of a loner and is in fact leaving on a 10 day trip by himself to the mountains to go fishing, running, and hiking. This is where I'm starting to stress out a little though but am not sure if I should: (scroll down for TL&DR)

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Last week after he finished his test on Monday, I suggested I take him out (before that day) but when it came to it he wasn't so sure until he found out if he passed or not because he was tired. I chalked it up to stress because he was a little more open to it after he found out he passed and it was the first time he flaked out.

 

On Wednesday I saw him at the gym in the morning and we were excitedly talking about all the events that were going on that week. We met a client of his that he thought was interesting for lunch and then he came over to my office party even though he didn't know anyone there and we stayed pretty late. Everyone assumed we were a couple and he seemed ok about it. He asked me how I felt about sleeping on the ground for 9 days (he's camping) but I don't know how seriously it was to be taken and so I didn't say much.

 

On Thursday there was a pub run that he was excited about, which we did together and continued hanging out at my place after, which led to sex and almost a sleepover, but he didn't have his stuff for the next day.

 

Friday I didn't really hear from him all day but he had suggested dinner and a movie at my place. He came kinda late but insisted on buying most of the ingredients even though I was already at a grocery store, was affectionate and kissed me all during the cooking, and even during the movie, which was one of his favorites he wanted to share with me.

 

He stayed that night but I had to be up extremely early on Saturday. When he woke up he had the most excruciating migraine and couldn't even go on his run, which he's never had before, and left to go sleep for the rest of the day. By evening he wasn't sure if he still wanted to go to a BBQ with his running group that he invited me to and made sure I was coming to several times but changed his mind. He was obviously still feeling bad but said he was doing better when he came over. I suggested I drive but he drove over first, which I assumed meant he wanted to stay over after. However, by the end of the night his migraine was getting worse and when we made it back to my place he said he was going to go home instead because it hurt so much.

 

Sunday I ask how he's doing and he said "Meh. Not much better" and didn't respond for the rest of the day. I left him alone but felt a little sad. By the end of the day he was at his mom's and feeling a bit better but he didn't text me until later in the evening about a scheduling question regarding me (he works at the gym).

 

I saw him Monday morning at the gym but while he was sort of talkative to me like he usually is, when we parted he seemed a little aloof and not as warm. In the middle of the day he sent me a group picture we took at the BBQ that I said I wanted to edit, which I did later and sent it back, and he said thanks. I texted him later in the evening about how his day was and what he was up to and he seemed a lot more enthusiastic and warm by text, telling me he was having dinner with his mom. I reminded him I owed him dinner since he missed last Monday's and he said "we need to do something before I leave anyway!" I tried to make plans for Wednesday but he asked if it could be Tuesday since he had to pack Wednesday and wanted to leave for his trip on Thursday.

 

Tuesday morning he came over to sit with me at the gym and I suggested a place to go in the evening. I didn't hear from him until he finished his group workout in the evening, when he called saying he'd be ready soon as he had to go shower at home. I went over to pick him up and we went to the restaurant. He seemed super distracted the whole time, though he did ask me about my weekend plans and asked about who i'd be doing some of the activities I mentioned with. I asked him a lot of questions about his trip and at the end he started to warm up a little more and look at me and smile while enjoying the food. I tried to ask if he wanted to watch something together but he said he needed to pack since he didn't get any packing done during his several-hour lunch window like he said he'd try to so he could spend time with me and went out to lunch with coworkers. I told him I still wanted to hang out with him and he said of course and held me and was back to normal for a little while. So we hung out, made out and slept together again where he was very affectionate during, but afterwards he got straight to packing and was very focused. He said it was ok if I stayed but I could tell it made no difference to him whether I did or not so after lingering a while I left and he walked me out and left with a few kisses.

 

Wednesday midday he texted me asking how my first group workout went as I wasn't at the gym and didn't see him. I went into a lengthy description about it (since he does with his and I was excited about it) and he responded with "Nice!" Shortly after I asked "How was packing" and he just responded curtly with "Not home yet." I thought he'd be home already since it was late into his break and asked if he was still working and he just said "Worked ran and worked out." It was pretty short for him, but I could be reading into it. I didn't really respond and never heard from him the rest of the day.

 

Today is the day he said he might be able to see me for breakfast after his early session is over but I feel like he might flake out on this.

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TL&DR: We spent a lot of time and late nights together from Wednesday through Saturday and he was very attentive and present during those. I hardly heard from him Sunday and he had an awful migraine. Monday I asked if he wanted to do dinner before he left because I was afraid he might not do it and he seemed really excited to, but on the actual date itself on Tuesday he was very distracted until I drew attention to the fact that I still wanted to hang out with him. I wanted to sleep over but he was focused on packing so I left which he probably preferred. I hardly heard from him Wednesday and even though he initiated the text, he was very short.

 

I can't explain his distance from me as I don't think any of my behaviors (that I expressed to him) were needy or too much and, in fact, he initiated most of these dates and hang-outs. I know he likes me still, but I'm afraid he is spacing himself away, or is he really just that focused on his vacation? (He said he's mentally checked out of everything.)

 

He's expressed interest in doing many things with me and "taking me" to many places well into the future, some with definite dates as far as next spring. He told me he wants me to go out of town with him when he goes to meet his best friend recently.

 

Am I going crazy or should I worry that he didn't initiate any conversations or ask to meet me during the last few days before he leaves for 10 days?? Is he pulling away or are our interest levels or communication styles so off balance that we're not going to be compatible? I really want to have these discussions with him but felt they were too early and now that I feel they need to happen he will be gone. Should I just wait until he makes plans to see me when he gets back? (He's probably coming back on a Sunday now, as opposed to earlier in the week so he probably won't be seeing me that weekend.)

[Ijustcant]

Wow, chill out girl XD You'll give yourself a heart attack! And I know you THINK you didn't give off needy signals but these things have a habit of leaking out... What you worried about? That he has lost interest? If he has what can you do? I don't think he has, sounds like he is a busy guy and especially if he is planning a long trip etc... What do you want him to do while he is packing XD

 

I don't see anything wrong with anything you wrote... Sounds like a busy guy that doesn't have time to text constantly. Pretty reasonable to me. And of course his mind is going to be on his trip somewhat. Relax...

[missmarple]

I also think he's just too busy and he's planning a trip, too. But if you keep worrying so much over a guy you've only been dating for a month, you'll drive yourself crazy,

[Man with Dog]

Not everyone texts all the time. It is simply not possible for many of us to text while working and many of us have difficulties multi-tasking.

[fonoma]

Well he does get busy and so do I, but I remember to check in and don't mind if I shoot off a quick text, go and work on something for two hours and come back to reply to the conversation. Do other people find this annoying? I actually enjoy text conversations as it keeps me in touch with people I don't see on a normal basis, but it seems like some people don't prefer this type of interaction?

 

He came up to me this morning at the gym to ask if I still wanted to get breakfast, but just wanted something quick accross the street. He was in a hurry to leave which I sorta get, but not really– he can leave whenever he wants and come back whenever he wants so I don't know why he was in such a rush to get out and was checking his watch a few times. He couldn't bare another 10 or 20 minutes with nice conversation? Traffic would have been even lighter too...

 

It was nice that he wanted to see me before he left, at least. He asked about what I did the night before because neither of us texted each other which was unusual and what I was going to do tonight, so maybe he was wondering why I didn't talk yesterday? He said he'll send me pictures during his trip, though, so that will be nice. I don't expect any more contact from him though since I get he'll be out in the mountains and not staying in hotels and wants his "me" time. I guess I'll just wait it out until he's back and see if he missed me at all.

 

I am thankful for the break because I am having some personal issues I need to pull through on my own without distractions, so this will give me a lot of time to try to go back to being the happy, secure person I was before he asked me out and I made myself into this mess. I just got swept up by how into me he was at first and he got away with the "I can't wait to spend more time with you"s and "I wish we were hanging out but I feel if I said stuff like that then he'd think I'm clingy.

[Man with Dog]

Nothing wrong with being clingy and nothing wrong with being independent. The problem is if one of you is independent and the other clingy. In my experience, that's a dealbreaker.

[fonoma]

Update:

Last Thursday he came up to me after his last morning session ended to ask if I still wanted to get coffee but seemed a little surprised/bothered that I wasn't done with my workout and showered and almost didn't want to wait for me to shower first before we went to breakfast (I said it'd only be 15 min to get all my things.) He just wanted to grab a quick coffee and tacos accross the street before driving out.

 

He was friendly enough and offered a few times to help me carry my things and was looking out for me but was generally pretty neutral the whole time. He asked if I had gone out the night before (it was the first time we went so long without texting and not seeing each other face-to-face at least) so maybe he was wondering why I didn't text while I wondered why he didn't? He also seemed a little curious about my plans for the evening/that weekend. He checked his watch a few times and seemed in a rush to leave but I don't know why he couldn't spare another 10 minutes as the drive was only 6 hours and it was not even 9am. I didn't worry much about it and wished him a good trip and we kissed goodbye. He told me twice he'd send pictures.

 

That night pretty late he sent me one of his friend's place he was staying at for the night with a description of some artwork and that they were drinking. I was out late with friends and didn't respond until later the next morning with just a general "haha awesome!" response. Sunday night he sent another photo of a mountain he was going to climb the next morning with a short description of it and that he was at a hostel (so he had wifi/signal for yesterday and today), to which I responded to an hour later with pretty generic enthusiasm. I didn't want to ask any questions as I didn't want to make him feel pressured to respond.

 

Today I saw that he liked one of his friend's photos on instagram and uploaded some more from his hike and a brewery he was chilling at but he didn't like anything I posted recently (some of which I thought were pretty nice and that he'd appreciate from my own adventures). I get he doesn't really need to chat with me while he's on vacation, but I was hoping I wouldn't see him interacting with social media at all while not talking to me. Am I still worrying too much? Is he expecting me to say anything to him or should I keep just leaving him alone and only responding to his texts (assuming he bother sending me anything else at this point)? I'm still having a hard time reading his communication styles.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, again you are worrying too much.

[fonoma]

Thanks I'm certain to an extent that I am, but I don't feel like it's right that now he's uploading pictures to instagram and even responding to them but he doesn't text me anything personal. I even saw that his ex that he was very recently on/off again with has been liking them. Later in the week should I text him anything– at least a non-question "hope you're having a good trip" sort of thing?

 

I spoke with one of our mutual friends/his roommate today and she said that his aloofness was the problem in his relationship with this girl... so maybe it won't work out anyway. But she did say he talked about me pretty often.