advice please

[jake1992]

I met this girl at a fire, we got along really well and started seeig eahother everytwo weeks for about 9 months, i was sleeping with other girls roo and she knew that, she was a lesbian for a year before she met me, she kept sticking around me calling me and having sex and . Before i new it nine months had gone by and i was at that piint of really deciding to take it to the next level, i knew she loved me and i was keepig my distance cuz i wasn't sure if i could commit at this point in life(im 22). At the begginig of those nine months i had told myself i didnt have time for anything els besides school. Thus girl made heraelf my best friend, we would go out together danxe our asses of adventure around town ahoot pool cab home and then lay together and listen to music or talk philosophy our childhoods and spiritual and metaphysical discours. Wewould crack jokes watch comedy, share music. We ate slept played and loved together when we could. I was so busy with school and other such things i disnt have enough time with her to develope feelings fast enough. Near the end she tells me shes met someone named mel. I tell her that if its important to her and shes curiouse about it she should try it out. I didnt think it would get between what we were doing, she switched her perspective of me to just friends and before i knew it my heart was broken. I chased and chased and tried to move on but nothing stopped the hurting inside, the anxiety frustration jealousy and pain was overwhelming my capacity for understanding. Tried to let her know that i love her. all my actions must have seemed needy, however she never put distance between us no matter how many times i tried to convince her we should go for a relationship or how pathetic i seemed. She says she loves me platonically now, but she doesnt know how shell feel in thr future, she still admits we have a very special connection, one sge shares with no one else. She thinks we would be perfect together but her feelings are not there for me the way i need them. I cant be around her. Im taking time away. I dont want to be her friend, i want more from her. if i had been two weeks earlier letting her know how i felt none of this woukd have happened. If i had been more sure of it id be with her now, and we coukd finally see if we have what it takes. Im tired.... And sick of the loop iv been putting us through for 3 months. Iv been stressing her out. I told her we cant be friends because i want more, is that selfish? Shoukd i bite the bullet accept my mistakes with her as a leason and be friendzoned for life!? You only get one ing chance at life, i want her back. Any advice? What should i do? Weve had so many intimate moments so varied and intertwined with my life she is. She pushed heself in, i didnt want it but she made me want it, then she walked away guilt free. I cant blame her or myself. Its was all a matter of timing and circumstance. Shes mylover, i know i can be her man and we can so this life thing together. Help me people, give me your perspective. We never actually got together so its still a possibility, we never tried the fedelity thing. Anyone ever been heartbroken over a friend with benefeits?

[Mellie]

I think you've handled yourself well. You've made sure she knows how you feel, accepted her decision, but said no to the friendship because it's too hard for you. I think that's absolutely the right thing to do. It wouldn't be a true friendship anyway, not at this point in time with your feelings as raw as they are, more like you waiting around for scraps. I think you've acted in a dignified way, and there's a lot to be said for that - bargaining and begging will get you nowhere.

 

The next step for you is to make a new life for yourself. I've been broken up before (and you may not have had the label of boyfriend and girlfriend, but this was a relationship between two people all the same). I know you'd give your right arm to get her back and it feels like you've had your heart ripped out. What you have to do now is not wallow, hoping and praying for her to come back (it rarely happens like that). It's hell now and you're going to have good days and bad days but the pain will fade eventually. Go out there and make something of yourself. Take up a new sport, a new hobby, go on vacation - whatever. I realise you won't feel like it but you need to be busy, busy, busy. And I'll admit, I wasn't doing it for me, not initially. It was more an "I'll show you" kind of mentality. And I did, in the end, and I showed myself too, much more importantly. Fake it till you make it I say.

[jake1992]

I cook, i write songs, i run, i work , im about to start school again, i would love to pick up and leave this town, but im too comited to tied down here right now ro do that. I went through that period of barganing without giving uo my dignity, sent a bunch of stuoid texts tho, went over it a million times with her, they say you should fight for the one you love, i can only proceed by being as consciouse of the thought process and disrupting it with intent, but i feel lime im throwing it all away, all the growing and acceptance and ego destruction i went through to give it a chance, i hate ing losing. I spent the last 4 years building myself and she destroyed me in one day. Mam the heartache is insane, i didnt kmow people could feel this stuff, what are we? Shes my ghost, follows me everywhere, and i swat at her but my hand just passes through. She would always try and grab my hand i would tell her that that was for people who were together and reject her, now its the part i miss most, i want her to want me again and thats why i jave to get better, im scared tho, i have to let go of that and do it for me, but even tho i tell myself that, im scared that my unconsciouse brain iabonly giving me strenghth cuz it thinks itl bring her back, i feel like i need to wait untik she contacts me and if she does question qhy she wants to see me. If its cuz she misses my friendship ill continue not seeing her if she wants to explore do we syart over?? All of this will be answered in time, i just cant find any similar stories. In my 7 years of meetigad sleeping with women, i havnt met anyone who has infected me like this chick has. Thanks for your advice, i never thought the internet would be the thing to help me cope with this. ing life eh? Blows me away.

[jake1992]

Its pretty cool tho, the knowledge you get by going through life, i feel like there is a whole universe of people that understand exactly what im going through and i dont feel so alone, i feel like doing it for them too, i want to become a success story, however, easier said than done. Hopefully i can be you to someone who needs help someday, ill visit this site more often for that reason.