Confused and lost

[river man]

I have been dating an attractive/flirty girl since April that has a past of cheating &/or sleeping with "too many men" as she puts it w/ supposed little ability to control it (I suspect she's bipolar for this & other reasons). A month ago she broke up w/ me saying she felt too much pressure to commit and didn't know what she wanted (things had gotten tense between us). That following week she txted me everyday & finally came over under the pre-text of returning a sweatshirt. We went right back into acting like a couple, except I played it more casual. Things felt great and natural until she started pulling further & further away, imposing more & more rules about what we could and couldn't do (things that had once been fine to do suddenly were not). This created tension again until there was a very bad argument last weekend & by this past Monday she said that things could never work between us & she wasn't even sure if we could keep in contact. I gave her room, not initiating contact. A few days later she txted to tell me that she had been tested for STDs that day & would let me know the results. That's the last I heard from her.

 

Why bother sending me that message? Why not just wait until she has the answer (she may have forgotten, but I knew that she was going to the doctor that day)? I would take this as a sign of her having attachment issues, except that today she "un-invited" me via FB to her party 3 hrs before it was to start (I wasn't going anyway, under these circumstances). As ridiculous as this may sound, I really don't know what to do. I miss her & at least wanted things to end nicely if we couldn't remain friends, but this just seems to be getting worse. Any insight to this?

 

Please forgive the long, confused rant- all my friends live too far away to hang out and I just needed to talk to someone- feeling very miserable

[BentGattling]

This created tension again

 

This part of your rant is the most telling. She's a drama queen. The confusing mixed signals put people off guard and seduce them. Cut her off now. She is going to be throwing curve balls all the time. Girls like this are dangerous. Keep playing with fire and don't be surprised if the "R" word comes up one day.

[river man]

Thank you for your insight- I think you've hit the nail on the head. Forgive my naiveté, but what is the "R" word?

[BentGattling]

"R" is for rape.

[catfeeder]

w/ supposed little ability to control it

 

The first time you walk into a propeller blade you're supposed to learn to not do it again.

 

You saw this coming. Your best bet is to grieve now, but keep on walking forward so you can heal. The girl is a mess--don't let her take you down again.

[BentGattling]

Actually catfeeder woman like this are not easy to spot if you are in the situation because they prey on emotions. Push-pull/mixed signals are the essence of seduction.

[catfeeder]

Actually catfeeder woman like this are not easy to spot if you are in the situation because they prey on emotions. Push-pull/mixed signals are the essence of seduction.

 

Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're bored or lonely enough to rationalize picking up the snake to play with it.

[Ms Darcy]

Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're bored or lonely enough to rationalize picking up the snake to play with it.

 

Completely agree. OP do you have a tendency to pursue highly chaotic women?

[river man]

Ouch, I was afraid that's what you meant.

[river man]

BentGattling: I was afraid that's what you meant.

 

Yes Catfeeder, a very good analogy w/ the snake- towards the end I kept thinking abt the story of the woman bitten by the poisonous snake she tried to help.

 

Ms Darcy: Most of the women I've been involved with were nothing like this. But the past couple of yrs I've been very lonely (was finishing grad school, etc.) & encountered a similar girl. Between my loneliness & the fact that I'm one of those "nice guys" that actually cares has made me a bit of a mark, I guess.

 

I think you are all correct & I'm starting to feel rather weird about this whole thing (which is kind of good, I guess). My concern now is that my abrupt absence may trigger her to chase (or do other things for attention). She told me how she tends to become more interested in a guy once he becomes disinterested. Ugh, what a headache- sounds like I need to run away, not walk.

[butterflyburn]

Honey, run far far away from that woman

 

 

A luta continua

[Jehst1987]

When you pulled away she lost and missed the 'comfort' that you offered her. It sounds as though she's used to having attention and when you stopped offering it she pursued to get it back. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets back in touch with you a few days/weeks down the line, but then again, maybe the 'game' is over for you both now.

 

You'll miss what you hoped she was, what you hoped you could have had, and obviously the physical attraction and excitement, but you won't miss the drama and the confusion that comes with dating a girl like this. I have been no contact with a very similar girl for two weeks now.

 

It's easy to put emphasis on the physical attraction and chemistry you have with these types of girls, and forgot that you can have that plus an emotional connection and understanding with someone else.

 

I'd take the advise of the other posters and turn your back on this girl for good if you can, otherwise you'll enter the push & pull cycle until the water runs dry and either she find another source of excitement or you completely cut her off to avoid the drama.

[river man]

Well, I've cut all ties- really is uncool to have to do that to someone. I just wanted to thank you all for the insight/advice, it helped convince me that there really was no other way. Take care.

[butterflyburn]

River man if you ever would like to read a book consider "calling the one" Katherine Norwood. The title and cover are both cheesy but do not let it deter you. It helped me understand my pattern of picking people who were toxic and not good for. Before I had no idea why my relationships always went south. Now I know and I have kept off making the same cyclical mistakes. Believe you me I have let a couple of potentials go because I knew exactly why and how those relationships would end.

 

 

A luta continua

[river man]

Thank you, Butterflyburn, I will definitely check that book out. I think I could use all the insight I can get at this point (any other books/suggestions by anyone would be greatly appreciated)

[catfeeder]

I think I could use all the insight I can get at this point (any other books/suggestions by anyone would be greatly appreciated)

 

Sure, research they psychological term 'Dance Away Lover'. This will help you understand why any reasonable relationship is impossible with people who seduce you until they 'have you,' then drop you or neglect you until you pull away and start healing. Then their ego kicks in and they seduce again...

 

It explains why you can never 'win' by allowing this person back into your life--you'll only keep getting your heart broken over and over again.

 

Once you're armed with what you're up against, it becomes apparent why all the analysis and trying to excuse them for their wounded psyche or myriad of pathologies is a wasted exercise.

 

Be strong, and head high.

[river man]

I didn't expect to post again on this thread, but something is nagging me. When I said that I cut ties, I never told her I was going to do that- I simply unfriended on FB & deleted her Skype contacts on my phone/computer on Monday. I figured w/ her uninviting me to the party w/o an explanation, on top of telling me a couple of times during our last conversation that she didn't know if we could remain in contact, that it was finished. She txted Wed asking how I was doing. In light of everything that happened, I really didn't expect to hear back from her. I didn't reply, didn't know what to say. I go from feeling bad for not telling her about my decision, to feeling mad for all the antics she put us through. Even though I still miss her & think about her too much, I really don't want to talk/explain this to her (scared I'll cave, plus there have been too many serious conversations between us). Is this wrong of me to just silently walk away, leaving her to wonder? A big part of me tho thinks this might be a non-issue now- that she has since figured out that I cut ties, & she won't contact me again.

[catfeeder]

Is this wrong of me to just silently walk away, leaving her to wonder? A big part of me tho thinks this might be a non-issue now- that she has since figured out that I cut ties, & she won't contact me again.

 

It's not wrong, it's smart.

 

When someone mistreats you, walk away. You don't 'owe' anyone who mistreats you any explanations.

 

Your questioning is based on the norms of school days when it wasn't possible to ditch a bad relationships without needing to share classes and social circles afterward, so silence had consequences. Adults are liberated from those forced ties. Keep yours broken with this flake, and you will thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think it's about you being a nice guy and thus being a mark. I think if you've been lonely she may have keyed in on your loneliness.

[Jehst1987]

No, it's not wrong of you to silently walk away mate. She knows why, you don't need to explain it. She might pretend she doesn't know, but don't fall for that.