Accepting What Is

[thinking2much]

Hey all,

 

This is the first time I've posted in one of these but I feel I need some advice.

 

For a while I've had a crush on my friend. We're both adults (I'm a little older, though) so this isn't one of those "teen romance" kind of posts. But yea, I've liked her but I never said anything because most of her guy friends do that and also, I enjoy the time spent. But recently she said she made out with this guy friend of hers (who've I met...and no, he's not a bad guy. He's quite nice, actually) and it's made me realize that any feelings are just coming from me. It was hard hearing that because usually the term "make out" implies reciprocation. She also say she's not sure how to feel about this guy. There's a lot more to this but that can wait for another time. Basically, I've been trying to separate fantasy from reality and see things for what they really are rather than what I want them to be. Everyone says "Oh, you got SO friend-zoned!" but we were always friends to begin with.

 

That's the thing I need help with. I don't want to lose a good friendship. Has anyone been through something similar? If so, how did you handle it and were you able to remain friends afterwards?

[Edmund Exley]

You lay your feelings out there. If you are in the friend zone (which you feel you are) you will be told how she likes you, but not like that. You will continue holding on hope that you can persuade her, so you will want to spend even MORE time with her. She will continually reject you but hang on to you for attention. Eventually you will resent her and it will get nasty and you will no longer be friends.

[thinking2much]

I guess I have to find a way to do that. Even if she's not dating this guy, what's to say I won't feel like this with the next guy or the guy after that? I don't want to resent her. She hasn't done anything wrong. Like I said, all this is coming from my end. It's even more weird for me because we'll both be at the wedding of our mutual friends in a couple of a months.

[BigKK]

Usually girls will tell you things like "my guy friends always hit on me" or "they are always trying to get together with me" (it's a gentle way to put you in the friend's zone) so you think gee willikers I better not be like one of THOSE guys, so I better just be nice to her. Awwh man, but she's so pretty and I like her a lot, I'd love to kiss her, nope nope, better be her friend. Then after awhile she shoes you in as her friend, while you constantly wish and dream for more.

 

Welcome to the friend's zone, please take a number.

 

 

You do one of two things, get over her, or make a move and go with it, whether you're rejected or not.

 

 

good luck

[thinking2much]

I really think getting over her is the best option at this point. Like Edmund said, I don't want to end up with false hope for the future. I'm NOT going to change her mind; that I've started to see the kinds of guys she goes for.

 

If this experience has taught me anything it's to be more upfront with a woman when I like her.

[BigKK]

I really think getting over her is the best option at this point. Like Edmund said, I don't want to end up with false hope for the future. I'm NOT going to change her mind; that I've started to see the kinds of guys she goes for.

 

If this experience has taught me anything it's to be more upfront with a woman when I like her.

 

It's a learning process, when I got out of my last relationship. I kept "falling" for girls, but never making a move since I was a little bit too scared at first. Some of these girls are still my friends, but I see them for who they are, and not this initial "perfect girl" that I first thought they were. I'm sure all guys have been there. Hell in one case I actually made a move, kissed, cuddled, and was still filed into the friend's zone

[thinking2much]

That's comforting to know, at least. I guess what I'm most worried about is losing my friend. I don't want to not be friends with her. We have a lot in common and we get along very well. And I've been trying to not idealize her and to be more realistic with myself. I've even thought about what it would be like if we did get together and...I don't see it ending very well. That's very much a case of "be careful what you wish for" because I can see a lot of issues.

[SoulTaker]

That's comforting to know, at least. I guess what I'm most worried about is losing my friend. I don't want to not be friends with her. We have a lot in common and we get along very well. And I've been trying to not idealize her and to be more realistic with myself. I've even thought about what it would be like if we did get together and...I don't see it ending very well. That's very much a case of "be careful what you wish for" because I can see a lot of issues.

 

The question is whether you want to pursue this, or not? Is the risk worth the reward? If you want to pursue this, then it's a matter of how to go about it.

[thinking2much]

The thing is, SoulTaker, the more I think about it, pursuing it isn't a good idea. The risk isn't worth the reward. Like I said, even if I'm lucky enough that she would feel the same way...a relationship would be difficult. That's one of the realities I had to really examine when thinking about it this week. It seems nice in theory but really thinking about it, I start to see a horde of problems that would come up; a lot of them that would cause us not to be friends anymore.

[SoulTaker]

The thing is, SoulTaker, the more I think about it, pursuing it isn't a good idea. The risk isn't worth the reward. Like I said, even if I'm lucky enough that she would feel the same way...a relationship would be difficult. That's one of the realities I had to really examine when thinking about it this week. It seems nice in theory but really thinking about it, I start to see a horde of problems that would come up; a lot of them that would cause us not to be friends anymore.

 

Understood. You value the friendship more than risk losing it, even if the two of you gave it a try and it didn't work out.

 

We're all different in how we go about this. If I feel that she's the one for me (after being around her for years), and she feels the same, then I'll take that chance.

 

If it doesn't work out, then hopefully, we'll be mature enough to take it back down to the friendship. At some point down the road, the friendship will probably lose it's strength when one of you gets into a deep relationship, or married.

[thinking2much]

Thank you. I'm trying to handle this as maturely as possible. It's been difficult and I've certainly gone through a lot. But I want to do the right thing...not just for our friendship but also for myself. I don't want to be the lonely martyr and I don't want to have an epic blow-up, either. Especially with her birthday coming up AND our friends' wedding, the sooner I get my head clear, the better.

 

I've been reading up on other people who have had similar situations. Everyone really is different. In some cases I've seen friendships dissolve and in others I've seen they've been able to stay friends.

[SooSad33]

"That's the thing I need help with. I don't want to lose a good friendship. Has anyone been through something similar? If so, how did you handle it and were you able to remain friends afterwards?"

- Since you are appreciative of her & your friendship, I highly suggest you leave it at that.

Most often, NO, they do not end up 'friends' again afterwards. as it is VERY awkward and it is NOT easy trying to be friends with an Ex.. as those feelings are there.

It does end up making quite a rift between those that were once 'friends'.

 

So, how about you see her as just that.

[eskimobobseal]

If she made out with a "guy friend" - and you're also a "guy friend", why can't she make out with you too?

[thinking2much]

If she made out with a "guy friend" - and you're also a "guy friend", why can't she make out with you too?

 

Because I think she's attracted to him. Sitting down and really thinking about it, I think I was just the friend you hang out with to have fun and forget your troubles. I don't think she see's me that way.

[Slimpee]

I think you should make your move. If you get rejected, tell her that you respect her decision but cannot be as good of friends as you used to be. You then distance yourself but be friendly and polite if you interact with her. Dont be bitter.

 

After you've had some time to move past your feelings for her perhaps you can be friends again...true friends.

 

Keep in mind that once you developed feelings for her, your friendship was tainted by the hope of something more. Id bet dollars to donuts that if she rejects you, the friendship wont mean quite as much...

 

Good luck!

[thinking2much]

Update:

 

Well, I'm now 100% she just see's me as a friend. A mutual friend of ours confirmed it for me this past Friday when we all hung out. She told me "I'm sorry, man. You're just a friend" It did hurt to hear that and that next day I was just breaking down dealing with my feelings. But now I know for sure and that will help me to move on.

 

I really want to thank you all for your advice. It showed me that moving on is what's best and it is possible to remain friends. Yes, that will take some time on my part as I deal with what I'm feeling, but knowing that it's possible with time and effort makes this not so bad.

 

Again, thank you all.